Introduction

The most powerful tool is the one that people will use. The techniques in this book are simple, easy to understand and use, and will not demand a great deal of your time. I understand and respect the fact that you have a life with many diverse interests and limited time. Although you may have a strong interest in emotional intelligence, it must fit into your world, not the other way around. This book offers simple, effective techniques that will take five minutes per day.

Success is not a quantum leap. It is the accumulation of small changes resulting from perseverance, self-discipline, and learning to get the most from your emotional intelligence. When asked if it is difficult to increase one's emotional intelligence, the answer is yes and no. No, it is not technically difficult. It does not require special knowledge, a high IQ, or a lot of technical know-how. Yet it is not easy to do. It requires the self-discipline necessary to continually keep working over an extended period of time, even if the results are not immediately apparent. We may have been subconsciously working under self-destructive default modes for most of our lives. Many of our behavior modes were born out of necessity and survival mode to get us through difficult situations in our past. Many of us rely on anger and other strong emotions to cope with and escape dysfunctional families and other unfortunate situations that we are brought up with. Once we are out of the original family situation, however, the anger no longer serves us well and works against us. At that point, it is crucial that we recognize that thoughts and behaviors that were once necessary are now obsolete and harmful to us. We must then make an effort to develop new ways of thinking about ourselves, others, and our environment. What we pick up through our formative years while growing up impacts us for the rest of our lives—in our workplaces, in our homes, and in all of our interactions in the world.

Although some of what we have learned is positive and will serve us well, some may be sabotaging our future and limiting our potential for a successful and fulfilling life. The exciting news is that we can change what we have learned in the past and learn new and better ways of interacting with the world around us. Unlike the intelligence quotient (IQ), which is pretty much set for life by the time we reach adulthood, we can change our emotional intelligence (EI).

The first step is identifying what our strengths are and what serves us well. In his book Go Put Your Strengths to Work, author Marcus Buckingham tells us that we should focus on creating a work environment that uses more of our strengths and spends less time on our weaknesses.

His theory suggests that it is much more beneficial to us to focus upon, and improve on, areas that we are naturally good at and have a talent for. This viewpoint goes along with the positive psychology movement, which tells us that we will achieve much better results in helping others if we concentrate on their strengths rather than on their weaknesses. This is a significant change from the past in which psychology focused mainly on weaknesses and how to improve on them. Overall, I think that focusing on our strengths is the way to go. Whenever I am giving feedback on an EI assessment with someone or coaching, I first identify and speak to that person's strengths before looking at areas that are challenges. While focusing on strengths, however, there are certain areas that we cannot afford to ignore even if we find we are not strong in them. These critical areas will sabotage us and negate our strengths if we don't manage them well.

The question of why some people become successful, while others struggle throughout their lives and achieve little has always fascinated mankind. During most of the twentieth century we were led to believe that it was our cognitive intelligence, or IQ, that determined how well we would do in life. Yet, our common sense and simple power of observation tells us that this simply cannot be the case—that there must be more to success than how well we do in exams at school.

In Successful Intelligence, Robert Sternberg looks at the case of two Yale graduates and how they fared in the real world. Penn was brilliant in his classes and creative, being able to come up with ideas of his own. He was, strictly in academic terms, the best to come out of Yale. There was only one problem, Penn was quite arrogant and almost completely lacking in practical skills.

Even though Penn was interviewed by all of the top companies, his arrogance assured that he wasn't called back with job offers. His only offer came from a second-rate company where he lasted for only three years.

On the other hand, Penn's roommate Matt was not as strong academically but had a great deal of social intelligence. Matt received seven offers from eight interviews. Although not brilliant, he has been a reliable performer and his social skills have allowed his career to flourish.

Think back to your high school days. Remember the bright kids who had great marks and everyone expected them to do great things in the world? Did they do as well as everyone expected? What about the kids whom everyone laughed at because they dropped out of school to sell used cars? Did you find in going back to a reunion that the bright kid is driving a taxicab while the dropout is a multimillionaire?

We all know versions of this story. All of us know people who were very bright, according to their grades in school, but have struggled to fit into society. The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, and the other infamous Ted, Ted Bundy, are just two of the many well-known examples of this outcome. On the other hand, we probably know someone who would likely not score all that high on an IQ test but is doing quite well. The notion, therefore, that there are other factors that come into play, besides IQ, in determining a person's success should not come as a surprise to most of us. We have watched this happen all of our lives.

For example, in Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman looks at the files of a consulting company to find the devastating results of a lack of impulse control. These case studies of wrecked careers come from the files of a consulting company that assessed each of these executives in the course of testing 4,265 people, from company heads to blue-collar workers.

Among the findings from Goleman's list is the case of a corporate controller who was quite aggressive with everyone with whom he came into contact. He was eventually fired because of a complaint of sexual harassment from a female employee who reported to him. In another case, an exceptionally extroverted executive, known for his outgoing, gregarious manner, pushed the boundaries of confidentiality and ended up being fired for publicly releasing confidential company information. There is also the matter of a CEO and his hand-picked CFO who were both fired due to mismanagement of company funds. Both were lacking in ethics and had little concern about the effects of their actions.

All of these people had a lack of impulse control, with little or no ability to delay gratification. With self-restraint, people can think through potential consequences of what they are about to do and assume responsibility for their words and deeds.

The consulting firm that did the study of self-restraint in professions recommends that “when selecting people for industrial jobs—at all levels—it is wise to reject candidates who are low or very low” in self-restraint, since “the odds of them creating problems of some kind are extremely high.” (The firm does note, though, that people can be helped to handle their impulsivity better—poor impulse control need not be a sentence to a dead-end career.)¹

Many an otherwise successful career, marriage, relationship, and friendship have been ruined by someone, in a moment of anger, speaking words on the spur of the moment that they spend a lifetime regretting. It is therefore crucial to identify areas that have the potential to sabotage us and at the very least neutralize them so that they do not become roadblocks on the road to our success.

Unfortunately, our minds are not programmed like computers; we cannot simply log in and change the settings within seconds. We can develop new defaults, however, by constantly practicing better ways of dealing with issues. Over time, these techniques will become easier and feel more like a part of who we are. As our new techniques become more natural and a part of us, the former thoughts and behaviors will start to seem unnatural and unfamiliar.

At this point we will know that an authentic, lasting change is taking shape within our lives and changing us for the better. Eventually these new patterns will become our new default, coming to us automatically and naturally.

Note

1. Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1998), p. 92.