chapter 13

How to Support the Bereaved

We feel so powerless when those we care about grieve. It’s a natural human desire to try and “fix” the griever’s feelings or painful situation and/or make the person feel better. Yet we also feel helpless. Most of the time, we can’t replace the loss, especially of a loved one.

Most people are uncomfortable with those who are grieving. We have no formal education about grief to make it easier to interact with the bereaved. We don’t understand how to be there for them. Many people make the mistake of staying away because they don’t know what to say or are afraid they’ll say the wrong thing. Or they want to hurry the grievers into “feeling better.” They don’t realize how, by listening and caring, they sustain the bereaved as they mourn.

Negative Messages

Usually, when people give negative messages, they don’t intend to come across as critical or hurtful. It’s just the opposite. People mostly have good intentions. They want to console, support, or direct the bereaved. They often have little or no personal experience with bereavement and what’s really comforting as opposed to what they think is helpful. Because they don’t know what to say, they fall back on clichés. Or they’re so uncomfortable that they say something, anything, to fill the silence. They might also have a personal belief that it’s better to remain stoic than to express emotion. As I’ve mentioned in previous chapters, attempting to suppress your feelings isn’t a healthy way to handle grief. It can lead to other problems.

“Be Strong”

As I discussed in Chapter 6, after a death, a pervasive message that’s often given to the bereaved is that he or she must be strong. Other people feel better if they think the bereaved is strong or appears to be doing okay. They don’t feel so helpless to fix the unfixable. Sometimes the bereaved are told to be or stay strong. Or they’re admired for how they are handling the death—for being “so strong” or “so brave.”

However, this can lock a mourner into acting strong because everyone else believes it’s an admirable response to the death. Therefore, you can be trapped into a show of strength because others admire you for “being strong.” This reinforces the belief that’s how you “should” be. You don’t feel strong inside, but because people are admiring you for it, it must be right. In addition, it’s hard to admit to someone who’s commented on your strength that you’re not so strong after all. You might even feel ashamed because you think breaking down makes you weak. Or you might be afraid that others will judge you as weak.

It is important to be strong for your young children and adolescents because they need to know they can depend on you. However, being strong doesn’t mean withholding your feelings. You can let them know when you’re sad, and they can see you cry. Just make sure you talk about it, and reassure them that you’re there for them. Say, “I’ll be okay. I’m sad because I’m missing (name).”

Other mourners may feel that they, too, must be strong to support the bereaved. So they try to suppress their feelings so they can “be there” for anyone who might be more emotional. Everyone is so busy being strong, there’s no place for grieving. When there’s little space for expressions of grief and pain and tears, mourners are denied the comfort and healing that come from sharing their feelings with sympathetic others.

During a funeral, it would be helpful if priests, ministers, and rabbis would give permission for those attending to cry. They could say something like: “Grieving is a normal response to the death of (name) and your tears honor him by showing how much you cared about him. It’s also okay not to cry if you don’t feel the need. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or you didn’t care about (name).”

I’m often asked if something’s wrong because a person doesn’t feel like crying. She cared for the deceased, yet isn’t outwardly grieving like everyone else. Usually this person is either numb or she has a less sensitive or emotional personality. It’s okay not to cry when everyone else is. You may cry later, or you may never cry.

“Get Over It”

One of the most harmful things to say to someone who is bereaved is “You should get over it” or “You have to move on.” Usually this means the speaker has a judgment about how long mourning should last, and he or she is uncomfortable because the bereaved continues to grieve. The problem is that grievers can start believing they are deficient or weak because they haven’t recovered from the loss. Grief isn’t something that can be rushed—there are no shortcuts. Everyone must work through his or her grief, not get over it.

Funeral Behavior

From the time of ancient humans, we have had some form of ceremony to mark the passing of loved ones and ritualize the grief of the bereaved. While the rituals differ depending on religion or culture, they serve the same purpose. They bring people together to acknowledge the passing of someone they knew and cared about.

Attending the Funeral

Attending a funeral is uncomfortable for many people. They don’t want to feel sad or see others cry. They may not know what’s expected of them during the service, but attending the funeral is an important experience. It provides an opportunity to do the following:

• Say goodbye
• Grieve with others
• Face the reality of the death
• Be there for the family
• Get to know the deceased better through hearing stories and eulogies
• Begin to feel a sense of closure

Many people avoid funerals because they don’t want to view the body in an open casket. You can still attend the funeral without viewing the body. When other people line up to walk past the casket, remain in your seat or step outside.

The number of people attending the funeral is often comforting to the family. Numbers seem to reflect the caring and respect others have for the deceased and for her family. The larger the attendance, the more the family sees the larger impact the deceased has had on her community. Having people attend who knew the deceased from various areas of her life is also important. This helps the family see how respected and/or important she was in those other places, such as at her jobsite. They might make statements such as, “She had 30 people show up from her work!”

What Not to Say at a Funeral

The basic fact to remember when someone is grieving is presence, not words. In the beginning, there really isn’t a lot you can say that will offer comfort to the bereaved anyway. They may feel shocked and overwhelmed, especially if the death was sudden. Much of what’s said to them doesn’t sink in. However, saying the wrong thing may make an impact—a bad one. What’s important is attending the funeral, demonstrating that you care, showing your sorrow, and spending time with the bereaved during their grief journey.

Don’t use clichés or platitudes, quote religious verses or share religious beliefs, volunteer your own grief stories, or state your expectations that the griever will get over the loss. These may come across as condescending and unfeeling. It can also stifle expressions of emotion, and could cause someone to question the legitimacy of his own grief. Later on in the grief journey, you can share about your losses, or quote poems or Bible verses that helped you through your time of grief. Now’s not the time.

If you can put it on a bumper sticker, don’t say it.

The worst thing you can say to a griever is, “I know how you feel.” Even if you’ve suffered a similar loss, everyone is different. Therefore you don’t know just how he or she feels. People who are bereaved, especially if it’s a unique loss such as the death of a child, may feel offended or hurt by that statement. Instead, using an empathetic tone, you can say:

• “I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. I just want you to know I’m here for you if you want to talk.”
• “I’ve been there, so I know what you’re going through. If you’d like my support, please contact me.”
• “I’ve lost my husband, too, so I’ve been through what you’re going through. If you need to talk to someone who understands, I’ll be there for you.”

Religious platitudes or sayings are often uttered at funerals and afterward. The most common religious cliché is, “He is in a better place.” Even though you may have that belief, the family may not share your religious faith. Or they may believe as you do, but don’t want their loved one to be in that better place just yet. Here are some other religious platitudes to avoid saying:

• “God knows best.”
• “It’s God’s will.”
• “Don’t be sad; she is in heaven.”
• “God doesn’t give you more than you can bear.”
• “He’s an angel now.”
• “God must have needed (name) more than you.”
• “With faith, you don’t need to grieve.”

Other comments or clichés to avoid are ones that tell the bereaved how to grieve:

• “Suck it up.”
• “Keep a stiff upper lip.”
• “Just get over it.”
• “Be brave.”
• “You should be grateful you had him/her for so long.”
• “Keep your chin up.”

Well-meaning platitudes are often intended to console, but they can come across as just the opposite. They can sound trite or unfeeling:

• “Good things come from bad.”
• “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
• “At least (name) had a good life before he died.”
• “It was (name’s) time to go.”
• “I’m sure you’ll feel better soon.”
• “It was for the best.”
• “What’s done is done.”
• “At least you had her for (amount of time).”

If the bereaved volunteers statements, like, “He’s in a better place,” or “She’s no longer suffering,” you can agree with them. Just don’t be the first to say it. They are using these statements to comfort themselves, and it’s safe to echo them.

If you feel uncomfortable, or don’t know what to say to the bereaved, it’s okay to acknowledge that. For example, “I don’t really know what to say. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you.” Or, “I can’t put into words how sorry I feel about (name’s) death.”

“Don’t ever ask to take away someone’s pain; just walk with him or her.”

—Maryanne, who lost her husband

Do’s and Don’ts for the Funeral and Reception

There are some things you can say to family members at the funeral and reception that will feel comforting. Family members want to know how their loved one made an impact on others. They want to hear stories about the deceased and know people will remember him or her. Here are some other do’s and don’ts:

• Don’t offer your own grief stories.
• Do give a hug, handclasp, or shoulder squeeze, where appropriate.
• Don’t try to “cheer up” the bereaved.
• Don’t say, “Call me.” Instead, reach out to him or her.
• Do talk about what you learned from the deceased.
• Do say how you’ll miss the deceased.
• Don’t assume you know how they feel and put words in their mouths: “You must be so sad,” or “You must feel terrible.”
• Do say, “My thoughts (and prayers) are with you.”

Stephanie, a woman with Down’s Syndrome who attended my church, passed away in her sleep. I didn’t find out until several weeks after the funeral. I didn’t really know her family, except to say “hi” to them, although we usually attended the same service. The Sunday after I learned Stephanie had passed away, I went up to her parents and told them I had just recently heard the news, and said how sorry I was. Her mom grabbed my hand and started crying.

I had a strong urge to say, “She’s in a better place,” which shocked me. I know better than to say that. I held back by reminding myself that they already knew Stephanie was in a better place. Instead, I talked about how I loved Stephanie’s enthusiasm for church—how her face would light up when she sang (using words and sign language) a familiar hymn. I shared my admiration for the way the whole family loved and cared for her. Their love had always been so obvious; it was a joy to see. Stephanie’s mother continued to cry and clutch my hand. She told me how hard it was to come to church and have Stephanie’s seat remain empty. I could see by the look on her face that she appreciated my sharing with her. The whole conversation took about five minutes, but I know we were all touched by it.

Helping the Mourner

There is a saying, “Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone.” When it comes to crying, in the beginning, the bereaved have plenty of company in their tears. It’s only as the journey goes on that others’ tears dry up. The grievers often continue on their sorrowful journey alone.

Right after the death, the family may be inundated with calls and people dropping by, often bringing food. Sometimes all the attention is welcome; sometimes it’s overwhelming and may feel intrusive. Usually, family members aren’t really hungry and have more food than they can fit in their refrigerator. If bringing food is important to you, think of something that doesn’t need refrigeration.

Right After the Death

If you do talk with family members, it’s normal to want the details about the death. Sometimes, however, they’ve told the story over and over and they’re sick of relating it. Instead of asking about details, ask, “Would it be too painful for you to tell me what happened, or are you tired of talking about it?” Then respect the answer.

Many times, offering your silent presence is the best way to comfort the bereaved. You can listen if they want to talk, and talk if they want to listen. There may be periods where not a lot is said. Sitting or standing next to them, offering hugs or handholding, giving them tissues if they’re crying, are all quiet gestures of support.

“It’s better to talk to the griever than to avoid them and pretend they’re not there.”

—Barbara, whose 2-year-old son died

Family members might not feel hungry. But at some point, you can encourage them to eat. You might offer to prepare something for them. Grieving people may have a “lump” in their throat or a “knot” in their stomachs. It helps to have foods that they don’t have to chew much or won’t have trouble swallowing. Bring over soup, protein drinks, yogurt, or smoothies. You might have an easier time coaxing someone to drink something nutritional rather than to eat.

After a death, you may want to call or drop by the house. Some families appreciate the attention and personal condolences. Having others grieve with them is meaningful. Other times, families retreat from the world and mourn in private. Or an individual in the family may shut herself away and not talk to the visitors. It’s important to respect the needs and wishes of the family. They may not directly tell you what they need, so watch for cues that show whether they desire company or not.

The family may have someone monitoring the phone and the door. Don’t try to force your way past this person. Just leave your name and a message. If no one answers the phone, leave a condolence message. Grieving families usually appreciate receiving cards. Add your own note to the card to make it more personal. You can also add a note to an online condolence website, which the family can read when they’re ready.

In the beginning, it’s common for others to tell the bereaved their own grief stories. People share these because they want the bereaved to know they understand how they’re feeling. They might not realize this isn’t a good way to convey empathy, at least in the first weeks of the grief journey. Allow the focus and attention to be on the bereaved’s grief story, not yours.

The day of my father’s death, I shared the news with two of my friends in separate conversations. Before I got far in telling my story, they interrupted me by saying, “I know how you feel. I lost my ….” For one, it was his grandmother, and another, it was her father. They then proceeded to tell me about the loss of their loved ones. I know they meant well. They were both desperately trying to convey to me they understood my grief because they’d experienced it, too. Yet, in so doing, they took the conversational ball away from me. I was aware of it, and I wanted to say, “I don’t want to talk about your death story because my dad died today, and I need to share my feelings.” I didn’t say anything because I recognized how hard they were trying and appreciated their efforts. Yet I made a mental note to never do this to anyone. Now in similar situations (after the person has told me of a recent loss or when I’m at a funeral) I say, “I know what it’s like to lose a father (or a parent). If you ever want to talk to someone who’s been there, I’ll listen.”

What could my friends have said or done that would have worked better? One thing would have been to listen without telling me their grief story. The other would have been to draw me out. By asking caring questions, they could have gotten me to talk more and helped me process my feelings. Following are some questions they could have asked:

• “How are you feeling?”
• “How did you feel about that?”
• “What was your father like?”
• “What was your relationship with your dad like?”
• “How is your family doing?”

You can use a few snippets of your experience with death as a way to relate and open the conversation, but make sure the other person doesn’t feel as if he must have the same experience. For example, “When my dad died, I felt numb for the first hour. How did you feel when you heard the news?”

In the Weeks, Months, and Years Following

After a few weeks, support from others drops off considerably. Relatives return home. Friends and neighbors become involved in their own lives. The loss (for the most part) can disappear off their radar.

The best thing you can do for those grieving is to remember your friend, relative, neighbor, or co-worker is on a journey that may last a long time. They will need your involvement more than just after the death. Touch base with them throughout the next months and first couple of years. Even as years go by, give them a call when you know he might feel sad, like around the deceased’s birthday or the anniversary of the death.

When you call the bereaved, don’t pressure her to respond. She might not be up to talking. Leave a message that says: “I wanted to call and see how you’re doing. You may not feel like talking, and I understand if you don’t get back to me for a while. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.”

Specific Ways to Help

When there’s a death in the family, many people want to help, but they don’t know what to do. They may say something like, “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.” This offer, while kind and (maybe) heartfelt, is basically useless. Can you imagine a bereaved spouse calling you and saying, “I’m overwhelmed and can barely function. My yard looks like a forest. Could you please come over and mow my lawn?” Or, “My kids are as sad as I am. We all need a break from each other’s pain. Can you please have them over for a play date with your kids?” You are going to have to make specific offers to spend time together, talk, do activities, or help with tasks.

Listening, Not Talking

As I’ve mentioned, one of the best things you can do for someone who is grieving is be there to listen. The bereaved have their departed loved ones on their minds, and often long to talk about them. They want their loved one to be remembered. They want to share about them, and they want to talk about what they’re going through without them. After a while, this can wear on others, so the bereaved don’t have a lot of chances to talk about the deceased.

When I talked with a mother whose teenage daughter died three years previously, at one point, she broke into tears. At the end, I thanked her for sharing with me, mentioning that I knew the interview had been painful. She told me that anytime she gets to talk about her daughter, it’s good. She just wished she had more opportunities to do so.

What most people don’t understand is that you can aid (although not fix) the bereaved by listening and drawing them out, then validating how they feel. Show patience and respect for their process. Acknowledge the tough time they might be going through. These are some other do’s and don’ts:

• Don’t ask, “How are you?” We’re conditioned to say, “fine” or “okay” or “I’m all right,” no matter how we really feel.
• Do ask, “How is it for you since (name) died?” Don’t just accept an “I’m fine” response.
• Do say, “I understand you’re feeling (whatever emotion they’ve shared about their feelings).”
• Don’t badmouth the deceased. This may cause the griever to have to defend him.

Lending a Helping Hand

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable yet still do something that you know is right or good. Don’t let your discomfort stop you from reaching out to the bereaved. If you don’t know what to offer, the best thing you can do is ask what they might need. People have differing needs when it comes to space, privacy, intimate sharing, and solitude versus a crowd. Ask them what’s helpful. For example, “Do you prefer silence or talking?” Or, “Would you rather be alone or with people?”

“One really nice gift I received in a sympathy card was booklets of stamps (to be used for thank-you notes).”

—Linda, after her father’s death

Here are some other ways to help:

• Offer to store some of the excess food that people have dropped off in your refrigerator or freezer.
• Offer to help with yard or housework, pick up groceries, and run other errands.
• Encourage the bereaved individual to feel included and wanted.
• Encourage (nag, if necessary) the griever to eat healthy, rest, exercise, and seek any necessary medical attention. Offer to go on a walk with her or cook a meal together.

Many people don’t want to be a burden, as if it’s shameful to need help. So they will suffer in silence as things around them deteriorate. A general offer of “Let me know if you need anything,” is often not accepted. But if you offer something specific, especially if it’s something you’re already doing, they might be more inclined to accept. “I’m going to the store and can pick up some groceries for you. What do you need?” Or, “I’m dropping off clothes at the dry cleaners. Why don’t I swing by and take yours, too.”

If you do offer help with a specific task, many may still turn you down, even if they need the help. Sometimes it works to tell them, “If the situation were reversed, I know you’d do this for me, and you’d want me to say yes. And maybe you will have to help me in the future. So allow me to do this for you now.” For people who are concerned about being a burden or accepting favors, it may help to let them know that accepting your offer doesn’t mean they are indebted to you. Rather it’s the other way around. You need to get them to understand that by your helping them, they help you—they do you the favor. These are some examples:

• “Your husband, Henry, and I used to talk about gardening, something we both enjoy. Since he died, I haven’t enjoyed working in my yard because I feel bad that he’s not here in his. I know you have your hands full. Please let me come over in the next week or two and mow your lawn and do some trimming. I’ll feel much better if I can do this for Henry and for you.”
• “I’m going to take my kids to the park on Saturday, and I’d love to swing by and get yours. The children all play so nicely together, which my two don’t do by themselves. I’ll be able to sit on the bench, watch them and knit instead of playing referee.”

Avoid Giving “Should” Advice

The bereaved are often inundated with unsolicited advice, both right after the death and all along their grief journey. Advice when it’s prefaced with a “should” or “shouldn’t” comes across as critical, even if that’s not your intention. No one needs negative feedback at any time, but especially when they’re grieving. Some common comments are these:

• “You shouldn’t dwell on it.”
• “You shouldn’t feel sad.”
• “Your loved one is in heaven now, and you should be happy.”
• “You shouldn’t cry so much. It’s not good for you.”
• “You should accept it as God’s will.”
• “You shouldn’t keep her photos out.”
• “You should keep busy so you don’t think about it.”
• “You should accept his death.”
• “You should go back to work.”

Although sometimes a bereaved individual may lash out at a comment like this, it’s more common for someone who’s bereaved not to say anything. He may have a reaction, but doesn’t share it. Instead, he feels hurt or angry and pulls away from the critical person. Rather than letting a “should” remark fester, here are some possible responses to this type of feedback:

• “Please don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.”
• “I know you mean well. You may not realize your advice is coming across as critical (or insensitive).”
• “Rather than advice, I’d like (what you want or need).”
• “It’s more helpful for you to do/say (what you need) than tell me what to do.”
• “I know you’re trying to help me, and because you haven’t lost a (relationship) you can’t really know what it’s like and what I need to do.”

In the last example, notice I used “and” as a transition word, rather than “but” or “however.” “But” tends to negate a positive first sentence. This causes people to focus on the second sentence, which is often negative. “And” is a milder way to link the sentences.

If the family posts about their loss on Facebook, feel free to respond (although leave out any details you may know about the death). However, respect their privacy if they haven’t posted. Send a personal e-mail or card instead.

Don’t make the purpose of a visit or outing to “cheer up” the grieving individual. This may force her to pretend to feel okay. If she shows or expresses sadness, you may feel hurt or offended that your company or activity didn’t “fix” them. Do make it safe for her to spend time with you and feel sad and cry.

Patience is the key. At first your efforts at getting together may be declined. Don’t take it personally, and don’t stop asking. Sometimes it takes a while before someone is ready for company or outings. If he keeps turning down your suggestions for activities, ask him what he’d like to do instead.

Helping Others Help You

If you are the one who is grieving, most of your friends may have concerns about saying the wrong thing. So you need to help them help you. Because others might not know what to say or do to support you, you need to be direct. Tell them you like talking about your loved one (if you do). Let them know it’s okay if you cry. Tell them they don’t have to fix your pain; all they need to do is listen. Your friends will probably feel relieved by the information. Many of them can handle spending time with you and just listening.

Don’t be concerned or take it personally if you don’t hear from the grieving person. Grieving people may need to temporarily withdraw from others. This gives them the time and space to process their emotions, reflect on what happened, and recharge. When they return to normal life, they have renewed energy and increased ability to cope with the changes in their life.

Bereaved individuals won’t emotionally move on before they’re ready. You can’t force them, no matter how well meaning your intentions. However, by supporting them in their grief process—where they are right now—you help give them solace. That, in turn, helps them slowly move on.

Essential Takeaways