chapter 8

Death of a Spouse

When you and your mate step into the rowboat of marriage, you prepare to set off down the river on the journey of your lives together. You each take an oar and begin paddling. Along the way, you learn how to row as a team. You may add children to your boat, make stops, go backward for a while or detour down a side stream, navigate around rocks and through rapids, weather storms, and enjoy lazy, sunny days on the slow-moving water. You look forward to your future destinations, and plan what you’ll do when you get there. You’re always together.

Then your partner dies, and you are left alone, attempting to row by yourself. You may be paralyzed with physical and emotional grief, and lack the necessary strength and energy to paddle on. Without your partner, your boat may go in circles, regardless of whether you’re rowing hard or drifting aimlessly, and you make what feels like no progress. At times, you doubt you can continue your journey without your mate. It may be a long time before you figure out how to straighten the boat and make your way down the river alone. But eventually, you will learn to navigate your way alone.

’Til Death Do Us Part

Whether your mate dies suddenly or after a long illness, your whole life turns upside down. One day you are part of a couple (and all that it meant to you) and the next day you are single. Not only has your mate passed away, but your identity as a couple has also died. And you’re forced to deal with your grief without support from the one you’ve traditionally turned to.

The loss can plunge you into a maelstrom of sadness, helplessness, longing, and other emotions. It’s not uncommon to feel angry or resentful at your spouse for leaving you, as well as guilty because you’re the one who’s still alive. This dark time of grief may feel as though it will never end. At times, you might even want to die so you can be with your beloved. Because you’ve never experienced these turbulent emotions before, there might be days when you feel like you’re going crazy.

Partners not only grieve the loss of their mate, but of familiar aspects of life. With the death of your spouse, you lose a role that you’ve had for (perhaps) many years—that of husband or wife. You also grieve alterations in your lifestyle. If the surviving spouse must deal with decreased income and other financial concerns, and perhaps must go back to work, or give up a home, he or she experiences more loss.

Depression and Marriage

Studies show that people who have a good marriage and positive view of their spouse have less depression four years after the death than those who have a difficult marriage or negative view of their spouse. Highly dependent spouses have more depression four years after the death than independent ones.

The Social Security Administration estimates that each year one million Americans lose their spouses. Many of these people have lived long married lives. Other couples lose their partners early, sometimes when they have children whom they must then raise as single parents. Parenting is challenging enough when there are two parents sharing the decisions, burdens, and joys of childrearing. These suddenly single people struggle with their own grief as well as their concern with the feelings and well-being of their children. They try to be both father and mother, as well as the sole provider for the family.

The surviving parent may be overcome with grief and not be there for the children. This happened to Maryanne, who was 24 and had a 4-year-old daughter, Kelsey, when her husband passed away. With his death, she thought her whole world had crumbled. She was dazed and couldn’t think straight for weeks. Her mother had to come live with her in order to cook and take care of Kelsey because Maryanne wasn’t capable of attending to her own needs, or those of her daughter. It took Maryanne six months before she was able to care for Kelsey, and her mother could return to her own home.

A partner’s death is devastating. For some spouses, the pain of the loss never truly goes away. Older couples may die within a year of each other, their will to live snuffed out with the life of their partner. For others, work and family, especially children and grandchildren, ease their grief by putting their own life into perspective. Finding the coping mechanisms that work for each individual is the key to mastering grief.

Yearning

After your husband or wife has died, it’s natural to be preoccupied with thoughts of your loved one, and wish for them to be back with you. During this period, spouses tend to focus more on the good qualities of the mate and gloss over the things that annoyed them. They often think back to their courtship and early marriage, remembering their loved one when he or she was younger. They dwell on the happy times of their marriage. This can be comforting, as well as make the bereaved spouse yearn for their partner and feel lonely without them.

“If only I could hold her again. I’d settle for five minutes. To feel her in my arms, lay my cheek against the top of her head, smell her hair, and feel her squeeze me back. What I wouldn’t give for that.”

—Mike, a recent widower, about his wife, Carol

In Mourning

The grieving spouse should recognize his need to mourn the loss of his spouse for as long as necessary. It’s a mistake to try to push the loss aside after too short a period of time. Many who are grieving benefit from a formalized period of “mourning” because they (and others) recognize that this time is set aside to feel their sadness and come to terms with (although not get over) their loss. As long as you are “in mourning,” others know they need to respect your feelings and support you. No one, including yourself, expects you to be “over it” in six months.

Of course, the mourning period is different for each person. There are many factors that affect it, such as …

• The length and quality of your marriage.
• The support from family and friends.
• Your ability to process your grief.
• The age of your children.
• How your spouse died.
• Your financial circumstances.

For most spouses, the mourning period usually extends beyond the first year, and for some, it lasts many years. You might spend much of the first year in shock and struggling to emotionally and financially survive. For some widows and widowers, the second year is even harder. The magical hope that their spouse might return has disappeared. The shock and numbness has worn off. Most people’s support at the difficult times, such as holidays or anniversaries, has also waned. The second year can be just as painful and lonely, or even more so, as the first.

It’s important to let go of any ideas of how long your intense grieving period will last. Your preconceived expectations can make things worse because you begin to think something is “wrong” with you. Or you can be too hard on yourself for continuing to grieve. Being kind to yourself is vital to easing the difficulties during your time of mourning.

Loneliness

One of the greatest struggles for those who are newly widowed is loneliness. Learning to function on their own can be a difficult process for widows or widowers. For all their married lives, and perhaps several years before, they were used to having a companion, someone to talk to, do things with, share memories with, and sleep with.

For a short time after the death, friends or family members often offer daily support. The bereaved spouse is inundated with calls, food, visits, and cards, so he or she doesn’t have much opportunity to feel alone. But as time passes, friends and family return to their regular lives, the calls, cards, and visits taper off. Loneliness sets in.

After the death, there’s an absence of familiar rituals like having dinner and talking about the day, doing tasks together, or watching TV together. Now for the bereaved spouse, these activities become reminders of the past. Many widows and widowers say it’s difficult to get used to coming home to an empty house, or sleeping alone. They find it hard to fill their lonely hours.

Most couples have a well-established social life—a niche they’ve made that includes friends and family, clubs, organizations, church or temple, hobbies, sporting events, and the activities of their children and grandchildren. After the death of a spouse, they can feel as if they no longer fit in. This is particularly true with other couples. You were used to going out with them as a couple. But the relationship has changed, and you might not be getting together as a threesome instead of a foursome. It’s always best to discuss your feelings with them if their friendship is important to you.

The attitude of some longtime friends can contribute to a feeling of isolation. Some of them might not be as sympathetic as you’d expected them to be. Often, grief at the loss of a spouse is very unsettling for some people. As a result, they withdraw from your company, or worse, they don’t understand what you’re going through. You may want to build your friendships with other widowed or single people instead of trying to focus your efforts on relationships with couples.

One woman reported that her longtime friend called several months after the death of her husband to see how she was doing. Used to sharing her emotions with her friend, the widow mentioned how hard it was for her to cope. Her friend became impatient with her, saying, “Well, isn’t it time you got over it?” The woman was stunned and hurt by her friend’s reaction. She knew her friend had been married for 50 years and couldn’t understand what she was feeling. Their friendship was never the same after that.

No matter how lonely you are, don’t rush into another relationship because you need companionship and/or want to stop the pain. Allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve and to heal. Take the time to get to know the new mate, or you might end up with someone who’s not the best partner for you.

Caregiving for a Dying Spouse

When a mate becomes seriously ill, most spouses become the primary caregiver. Watching their partner suffer from physical and/or mental deterioration is painful, stressful, and draining. Often their world narrows to their caregiving duties. It may be difficult for them to leave the ill spouse alone or find someone to stay with him or her. Normal activities that previously sustained them fall by the wayside. After their partner’s passing, it’s sometimes tough to resume their old friendships because they’ve isolated themselves from others for so long.

Many caregivers may feel as though their mate has already died because his or her “personality” is gone or changed beyond recognition. They mourn the loss of the partner that was and the life they lived before the illness. They worry about the financial toll the illness takes. They hate seeing their spouse suffer, and they’re not sure how much of the caregiving burden they can continue to bear. They may wish the ordeal were over. Even though these thoughts are normal, the spouse can feel guilty, as if he or she is a bad person and not a loving mate.

As horrible as this period is in a marriage, for many, it can still be a time of beauty and love. Neither spouse takes each other for granted. They know their time together is short, and they appreciate each day. They cherish each other and speak of their love. They share memories and spend time talking about what is important to them. And they, as much as possible, try to prepare for one spouse to die and the surviving spouse to live on.

Gina talked with me about her life with her husband, Jerry, in the time prior to his death from cancer. “It was the best year of our marriage,” she said. “We were forced to slow down, reevaluate our lives, and pay attention to what was really important. We had in-depth, spiritual talks, and we loved each other so much. The memory of that time has sustained me after Jerry’s death.”

It’s important for caregivers to make time for self-care. Ask friends if they are willing to visit with your spouse for an hour or two while you take a nap or go for a walk. Join a support group for caregivers. The government, as well as philanthropic organizations, have services that provide relief for caregivers. Ask your doctor, minister, someone from hospice, or go online for information. Also see the Resources appendix for suggestions.

Young Widow or Widower

A life-threatening illness or a sudden death usually takes a young couple by surprise. They may have little or no previous experience with grief and adversity. Coping with the illness and subsequent death of a partner is the last thing they expect at this stage of their lives. They’re full of dreams and plans for the future and believe they have their whole lives ahead of them.

It’s difficult for young spouses to believe that they’ve become a widow or widower. For example, when Stephanie’s 28-year-old husband died of a heart attack after playing a game of basketball, she walked around in a daze for months, unable to believe he was really gone. The first time someone labeled her a widow, she stared at the woman blankly, thinking, “I’m a widow? I can’t be a widow. They have gray hair.”

There are few people the bereaved spouse can lean on who understand. While young couples often have friends who are divorced, few have friends whose husband or wife has died. Their friends usually don’t know how to support the bereaved partner. The uniqueness of the situation is isolating.

In addition to the traditional grief platitudes, young spouses are told things that, while meant to be well-meaning, are actually hurtful. “You’re young. You’ll marry again,” is one example. Another is, “You are so blessed that you had him for a few years. You had a good marriage. That’s more than most people have in a lifetime.”

The bereaved spouses can also experience difficulties with their in-laws. If there are no children, the in-laws might pull away after a time, not feeling as if they have any real connection with their son- or daughter-in-law. Or even if there are children, the in-laws may detach from them because it’s too painful to talk to or see the grandchildren without the presence of their son or daughter. On the opposite spectrum, the in-laws might immerse themselves in the surviving family, interacting with their grandchildren as a way to forget their own pain. The parents and spouse can bond over their mutual grief. While the grandparent’s involvement with the family can be helpful to the spouse and children, it can also be intrusive and burdening. It is important to work out some sort of arrangement that will benefit all concerned.

If you have children, you’ll need to forge stronger bonds and find new ways to communicate with your in-laws. Because their child isn’t around to be the primary communicator and to smooth out rough patches, you’ll have to take on that role. Be direct with them. Let them know they are important in the children’s lives, and tell them what they can do to help.

Losing Your Longtime Spouse

The older the spouse, and the longer the marriage, the harder it is for the surviving mate to pick up the pieces of life and go on. It’s been a long time since they lived alone. Or perhaps they never have because they might have married during a time when it was more common to remain at home, rather than move out on their own. Their lives are so intertwined that they don’t know how to function well by themselves.

The elderly who have lost a mate are particularly vulnerable. By the time a couple is old, they have usually experienced multiple losses as their friends and family members die. Gradually, their support system whittles away. Grief becomes a familiar feeling, and they’re often in a state of mourning.

An older widow or widower may have other factors in their lives that become exacerbated by their grief over the loss of their mate. They might have their own health issues. They might live on a fixed income and have fewer financial resources for coping. Plus, they may have diminished mental and/or physical capacity to handle the challenges they now face alone.

Often after the death of a spouse, the relationship with the adult children changes. The surviving parent may become more emotionally and physically dependent on the adult children, both to help the parent cope with his loneliness as well as meet the day-to-day challenges of living without his spouse. The adult children might now step in with caretaking responsibilities, providing company, meals, and housekeeping; taking the parent to the doctor; or making sure the bills are paid. Sometimes this help is welcome. Other times the surviving parent may feel guilty about being a burden or resent the need to be taken care of.

Widows and Widowers

In 2008, according to the Administration on Aging, widows accounted for 42 percent of the 65-or-older U.S. population. Widowers accounted for 14 percent.

Living Without Your Spouse

After your mate dies, you mark time differently. Your life falls into two halves—a pre-death-of-your-spouse half and a post-death-of-your-spouse half. You’ll first count the days, then the months, and finally the years since your husband or wife died. Even though your life may be full with the actual business of living, you know exactly how long ago the death occurred.

Struggling to Adjust at Home

When a spouse dies, the reminders of her are all around you. You can’t escape. All your senses are affected—sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. You see the empty chair at the table, find yourself listening for familiar noises like the sound of the car pulling into the garage, touch the empty place in the bed next to you, or feel the absence of her presence.

You become familiar with the smell of your partner’s skin, soap, shampoo, perfume or cologne, cigarettes or cigars. Catching a whiff of a familiar scent can immediately remind you of your spouse. When a spouse dies, his scent lingers on the clothing he’s worn or on his pillow. It’s not uncommon for the bereaved to cherish some clothing or a pillowcase and use it when they need to feel connected with their loved one. They’ll clasp a pillow to their chest, or hug a group of clothes hanging in the closet. Sometimes they’ll cry or have a conversation with the deceased while they hold the article of clothing. Women may take comfort from wearing a husband’s sweater, coat, shirt, robe, or pajamas. After a while the husband’s smell will fade, replaced by hers or disappear through washing, but the idea of being wrapped in his clothes is still important. Men might keep a handkerchief or scarf with her perfume on it or sleep with her nightgown nearby.

Nighttime is often a private time for sorrow and tears. Those who grieve often have problems sleeping. Spouses have an even more difficult situation because the empty space in the bed is a reminder that their loved one will never again sleep next to them. No snuggles, pillow talk, or intimacy. Some women can even feel fearful without their husband. Noises in the dark can sound ominous, causing them to sleep lightly or startle awake.

Create a Personal Retreat

Because of the barrage of memories in your home, you might choose one room (or part of a room) in the house to paint and redecorate. Or you can replant a corner of your yard or change your patio. This can give you a place to escape the constant reminders of your loss, where you can nap, read, watch TV, work, or do hobbies. That doesn’t mean you won’t think of your loved one or grieve in that space, but you’ve created a personal retreat.

Learning Your Partner’s Tasks

Learning to live alone after the death is an arduous process. Usually, spouses divide household and parenting duties, with one person taking on the majority of a certain task, while the other might have little knowledge of how to do the job. For example, in a traditional household, a wife shops for groceries and cooks, and the husband is in charge of their finances or mowing the lawn.

After the death, bereaved spouses may struggle to master survival and other skills at a time when they can be weighed down by sadness and fatigue. In addition, their mental abilities might seem foggy, making it hard to learn new things or make difficult choices. Consequently, they might neglect these unfamiliar areas, and their health and financial well-being can suffer.

Bill had this happen when his wife, Doreen, passed away. Bill could grill a mean hamburger or steak, but that was the extent of his cooking skills. Doreen did everything else. After her death, his daughter and the neighbors left meals for him, but he didn’t want to rely on them. Yet going into the kitchen—the place of so many happy memories of his wife—was so painful that he avoided the room as much as possible. He lost so much weight that his doctor scolded him. Alarmed, his daughter took him to a cooking class so he could learn in a neutral environment. After several months in the class, Bill felt ready to tackle making meals in his own kitchen and became proficient enough that he regained some weight, and his daughter stopped worrying about his eating habits.

Many bereaved spouses welcome the diversion from their grief that extra work provides, even though they may feel overwhelmed. They bustle from one task to another, trying to keep their mind empty while their hands stay busy. They (and others) think staying busy is helpful. But busyness, per se, doesn’t usually aid the spouse because it can block the grieving process.

The need to do double duty can also take a toll on the bereaved spouse. They’re tired and may feel they don’t have the energy or space in their lives to grieve. Claire experienced this when her husband passed away. A friend inquired how she was doing. “I’m keeping busy,” Claire replied. “That’s good,” the friend said. “No,” Claire told her. “It’s not good. I’m doing the things my husband used to do and my things, and I don’t have time to grieve, and I need it. It’s not good that I’m busy.”

A surviving spouse who is feeling overwhelmed should not be afraid to ask for help. Most people are willing to help, but don’t know what to do or are too busy with their own lives to think of what someone might need. Don’t assume they don’t care. Often, if asked, they’re happy to lend a hand.

Difficult Choices

Part of the grieving experience involves making complicated decisions during a time that you’re grieving, stressed, exhausted, and not thinking straight. People in the throes of grief are in a highly emotional state, which can affect clear thinking and make them susceptible to the input of others. Be wary of making any significant decisions during the grieving process. Surround yourself with family and friends whom you trust because you know they have your best interests at heart. They can help you take care of some of the tasks that are difficult.

Financial Decisions

From the day of the death, decisions are thrown at you, starting with what mortuary to use. You are confronted with a bewildering array of forms to fill out and financial decisions to make, often accompanied by a sharp drop in income. For many bereaved spouses, the scramble to take care of financial concerns feels intrusive to their grief. While they might realize the necessity, they wish they could be left to their grieving, instead of being forced to deal with practical concerns.

The people at the mortuary should be helpful in guiding you through initial steps to take for the funeral and beyond. But keep in mind that mortuaries and cemeteries are a business, and the people who work there may try to pressure you into choosing a more expensive funeral package than you want or need. Take one or more trusted friends and family members with you who can support you emotionally as well as aid you in making sensible choices. There are also guidelines and inventories online that list financial steps for you to consider. In addition to friends and family, you may need direction from your estate-planning attorney, tax advisor, and financial advisor.

In addition, the death of the spouse may seriously affect the surviving partner’s income. Pension plans and social security benefits can be affected. Be sure to plan ahead whenever possible. In some states, jointly held assets such as a checking or savings account may be frozen as soon as the bank becomes aware that one of the joint owners has died. It may take a court order to release them. Therefore, you may find yourself without funds at a very vulnerable stage in your life. Be sure to know the laws in your state.

Get at least 10 copies of the death certificate because you will need them for a variety of situations, such as life insurance, bank accounts, and investment accounts. The more accounts you have, the more copies you’ll require.

Take the time you need to make important financial decisions, even though family, and others, like an insurance company representative, might try to pressure you into making immediate choices. You want to be fully informed and give careful consideration to your decisions, not make them because you were lonely, grieving, and suggestible.

Personal Possessions

The way people grieve the loss of their husband or wife will differ when it comes to possessions. Some need to immediately empty shared rooms, such as the bedroom, of all their spouse’s belongings, and maybe paint and redecorate. Others cling to their mates’ possessions for years, perhaps never letting go of anything. Sometimes, they hope that their spouse might return and use the stuff, even though they know their spouse is dead.

Personal tokens can also be used for comfort. For example, a wife might wear her husband’s watch, or a husband might carry a love note from his wife in his wallet. When they look at the token, they can feel as if their spouse is with them. The bereaved spouse might also take some satisfaction in distributing possessions to friends and family, believing that the recipient will think of the deceased whenever they use it.

There’s no one right way for anyone to deal with their loved ones’ “stuff.” Give yourself time to figure out what you want to do. Acting on impulse can backfire. As you recover, you’ll find yourself naturally cleaning out and letting go, although you’ll probably always keep some personal mementos.

Moving

People who are bereaved often make a move when they don’t have to. They might want to flee their home with so many painful reminders, or they may impulsively relocate to live closer to their adult children or other family members. However, this isn’t always the wisest choice. You will take your memories and your grieving wherever you go. If you give up your friends, your routine, your activities, or a job, it might be harder to start again in a new location. You’ll be grieving the loss of your home and lifestyle as well as your spouse. Plus, your children might not spend the amount of time with you that you think they will.

If possible, don’t make a physical move right away. Take some time to see what support you have from those around you, and give yourself the opportunity to engage with the previous activities you might have given up when you first lost your spouse or had to become a caregiver. If you make a decision that’s well thought out, you’ll have more success, regardless of whether you stay or go.

If you move to live near your kids, make sure you discuss your expectations with them beforehand. Just because you imagine having family dinners every Sunday doesn’t mean your child and his or her family will be able (or want) to do so.

Helping Your Children Cope

Children who’ve lost a father or a mother have to cope with a radical shift in their life. Their childhood will be far more painful and difficult than if their parent hadn’t died. They will struggle with their grief, plus miss all of the benefits of having two parents throughout their childhood. For the rest of their lives, they will regret not growing up with both their mother and father.

If your spouse is dying, involve your children in the process as much as possible. Don’t keep the fact that he or she is dying a secret. The children will have lots of questions. Answer them as honestly as you can, using simple, age-appropriate language. Children also need time to emotionally prepare for the death of the parent and say good-bye to their mom or dad.

The best way you can help your children cope with the dying and death of a parent is by being aware of your own feelings and actions. How you process your feelings, and the way you treat your children, will make a big difference in enabling them to feel secure. They are already trying to cope with their grief. If they feel you are overwhelmed to the point of neglecting them, acting angry or tearful, they will feel unsettled and probably act out in ways that will be even more difficult for you to handle, for example, becoming cranky, angry, or belligerent.

Recognize that you might feel impatient and irritable. Try as much as possible not to take it out on your children, and apologize if you do so. Let them know your feelings, especially if they see you in tears: “Mommy is sad that Daddy has died. I’m okay. I’m just missing Daddy.” As much as possible, keep to a normal routine. Children will need a familiar structure to their lives because so much else has changed for them. Prepare them ahead of time for any necessary life changes, such as a move. It may also help your children cope when you bring the deceased parent into conversations. For example, “Daddy would be so proud of the A you got on your math test.”

Keep the lines of communication open and watch for any attitude and personality changes. Stay involved in their lives, both by quietly being with them and interacting in their activities. How they do in school is another important indicator of their coping ability. Enlist the help and support of their teachers, the principal, and the school counselor.

One way to help your children deal with their grief is by drawing pictures and cards and writing stories, songs, poetry, and journaling. The drawing and writing can be about their feelings, stories about their family, or letters to the deceased parent. Music is also helpful. Learning a musical instrument and playing music that reflects their feelings can help them cope with their loss.

Coping with Your Spouse’s Death

Experiencing your grief is critical to working through your mourning. Often, spouses are so busy that they don’t take the time to grieve. Planning a funeral, making financial arrangements, and trying to juggle household and parenting tasks by yourself can leave little opportunity to process feelings. Your focus is on learning to adjust and survive. You can end up distracted and numb. Or, as you worry about your basic survival needs, your primary feelings can be fear and anxiety. After you solve problems, finalize your decisions, and stabilize your financial situation, you are free to more fully process your sadness and pain.

It’s important to set aside some time to grieve. Hold a favorite picture and talk to your mate. Take a walk and find a place to sit in solitude where you can remember him or her. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Seek out others, especially those who have lost a spouse, to talk with. Here are some other coping tips.

• Take baby steps. Some days, all you’ll want to do is stay in bed weeping or sit frozen in a chair. On those days, give yourself permission to take small steps. Break down self-care and necessary tasks into small chunks.
• Set up a place of remembrance. Many families find comfort in creating an area with pictures, meaningful keepsakes, and maybe a candle and vase for flowers.
• Play soft music or audio CDs at bedtime to soothe your mind and help you sleep.
• Join bereavement groups for spouses. Many widows and widowers find it helpful to attend a bereavement group. They take comfort from sharing their feelings with others who understand. (See Chapter 18 and the Resources appendix for more information on bereavement groups.)
• Be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for continuing to grieve, or fault yourself for what you can’t do. Criticism will only make your grief journey harder.

You don’t need to have had a perfect marriage in order to mourn the loss of your husband or wife. Your partner was an important part of your life, and you’ll still grieve his or her loss.

Even though it may seem like the pain of your spouse’s death will never end, it will. That doesn’t mean you won’t have times of sadness. Recovery is a long-term goal. When a few days or weeks pass without major grief episodes, you may think you’re okay, only to have grief hit you again, perhaps even harder, and you realize that you only had a temporary reprieve. With time, these episodes will become farther apart.

Kenny talked about the death of his wife, Lois, from cancer, six years ago. From outward appearances, Kenny didn’t seem to be grieving. He was a jovial man who’d had a live-in girlfriend for five years and a successful business and social life. But in private moments, Kenny admitted how excruciating it had been to watch his wife deteriorate. He told me he’d been there every step of the way with Lois, and a part of him died when she did. No one understood what it was like for him. The memories of the experience gave rise to the feeling of grief even six years later.

As you move toward recovery, you’ll take on the challenge of a new life, despite your grief. You’ll become more independent, learn new skills, make some important life changes, try other activities, and make new friends. Your life may become very different from the one you led before the death of your mate. Although you may continue to miss your partner, you can come to take pride in forging on independently.

Essential Takeaways