chapter 19

Children and Grief

Children grieve, and children are affected by the grief of their family members. Children grieve the death of relatives and other people who are important to them. They grieve when they have to move. They grieve when their parents divorce. They grieve the loss of a pet. All of these situations can be emotionally damaging to the child. How the parent(s) prepares them for the loss and helps them cope afterward makes a big difference in their resiliency. The grief of children isn’t necessarily going to look like the grief of adults. It’s important to know how children grieve as well as find ways to help them deal with their changed circumstances and their emotions.

Grief at Different Developmental Stages

In order to help a bereaved child, you need to keep in mind where he or she is developmentally. Each stage can have its own problems, conflicts, and adjustment issues. A toddler, for example, is going to react differently to a loss than a teen will. Children vary and so does their understanding of loss and reactions of grief. In addition to age, you need to consider the child’s …

• Cognitive ability.
• Level of maturity.
• Self-esteem.
• Life experiences.
• Relationship to the person, place, object, or pet.
• Level of preparation beforehand.
• Support network.

Telling the Truth

Truthful statements can diminish some of the child’s anxiety about the loss because he or she understands (as much as possible) what has happened and what will come next. When it’s time to break the news of the loss (or impending loss), have the person with whom the children are closest tell them what’s happening. If the loss involves the departure of one of the parents—for example, in a divorce—it’s best if both parents share the news as soon as the loss seems definite.

Children are sensitive to the stress and possible preoccupation or other changes in mood or behavior of the parents and other relatives. They may wonder what’s wrong or think they are the problem. With advance notice, the child has a chance to get used to the idea, to ask questions, to grieve, and to say goodbye.

It’s important to explain the loss in a straightforward manner. Use simple, age-appropriate terms. Be honest, but don’t give children so many details that they are overwhelmed. Then invite questions by saying, “Do you have any questions for me?”

Don’t tell children how (or how not) to feel. Saying “Be happy” or “Don’t be angry” only teaches them that their feelings are wrong.

Children can take things in a literal manner. When talking about bereavement, use the word “died” rather then fell asleep, passed away, was lost, or is in heaven. You can say, “died and went to heaven.” Don’t say, “God took (name).” For younger children, also make sure you explain that the person can’t come back home.

Sometimes the loss makes the child very emotional. She can cry or act out, or become dramatic, angry, or accusatory, all difficult reactions for parents to cope with during the best of times. But during a major loss, the parent is stressed, grieving, preoccupied, overwhelmed, and/or perhaps very busy. The parent may not have the patience, energy, and emotional fortitude to handle the child’s grief.

Many losses involve partings, and children need permission and encouragement to say goodbye. Brainstorm how they are going to miss the person, place, object, or pet. You might help them formulate what they can say. Encourage them to make a goodbye card. Then give them the opportunity to say goodbye. For example, drive to the friend’s home before the move, or the hospital to make a last visit to a dying relative. Afterward, talk to them about their feelings about the experience.

Like adults, children need to know that their feelings and reactions of grief are normal. Teach children the words for various emotions and what they mean. The larger vocabulary they have of “feeling words,” the more they can communicate when they’re upset and the less they have to act them out. Here are some examples:

• “Sounds like you’re feeling (emotion).”
• “Are you feeling (emotion)?”
• “When I make a face like you just did, I feel angry. Are you angry?”

Sometimes children do have the words to express the feelings behind their actions, but no one asks them questions to elicit the answers. They may need help expressing their grief. Look for their anger, fear, or sadness in their play and help them talk about it.

When Andy was 2, his 4-month-old brother died of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). For the next months, Andy spent a lot of time shooting his cap gun at the sky. Finally, his mom asked him what he was doing, and he told her, “I hate God for taking Sammy, and I’m gonna kill him.” By encouraging children to verbalize their feelings, you can see where they are struggling, and, like with Andy, if there’s a misconception that needs to be addressed. Andy obviously required more conversations about God and death. He also needed other ways to express his anger, as well as his other feelings.

Younger Children

Children 8 years old and younger almost universally react to a loss by regressing to a previous level. It’s their way of coping. They rebuild by going back to an earlier time when they felt more secure. This stage can last from a few weeks to six months. Some regressive behaviors are the following:

• Clinginess
• Baby talk
• Thumb-sucking
• Wetting their pants, either during the day and night, or only at night
• Crawling into bed with a parent or siblings

As frustrating as the regressive behavior can be to the parents or caregivers, it’s important for them to remain patient. Don’t punish or shame the child for this behavior. Continue to comfort and reassure him or her. Gradually the child will progress to more advanced behavior.

People may think younger children don’t need to be told the truth because they wouldn’t understand it anyway, or they might become upset. However, children are very sensitive to the feelings of those around them. They can have limited and inaccurate understanding, and don’t always get cause-and-effect relationships. When something feels bad to them, they might think their thoughts or actions caused the problem or situation. They need the reassurance that they are not bad and what’s happened is not their fault.

Children in the 3- to 6-year age range have concrete thinking, which is very literal thinking. Children at this stage don’t have the cognitive development to understand more abstract concepts. If you say, “We lost grandma last night,” they might wonder why you’re not going to find her. Young children also don’t understand that death is a final event. They can wonder when the deceased is coming back. They repeatedly ask questions such as, “When is Mommy/Daddy coming home?”

Tweens

When a loss occurs, tweens (9 to 12 years old) tend to shut down and not want to talk. They may not understand what they’re feeling and need some help to talk about what’s going on with them. You can leave them alone, but keep inviting them to talk to you. The invitation is what’s important.

When a tween has a major loss, many of their friends don’t understand what they’re going through, which makes them intensely lonely. Finding other children who’ve endured similar losses is also a way to help them not feel so isolated. Put them in activities where you know other kids have endured the loss, or get to know some of the other parents and schedule play dates.

Teens

Adolescence can be a difficult and complex time. Teens are trying to break away from their parents and assert their own individuality. Their bodies are developing and flooding with hormones. Because many teens appear physically mature, adults may think they can handle the loss like adults. Maybe adults don’t realize the human brain continues to develop until the early 20s. Adolescents can be especially vulnerable to losses and grieving because so much in their bodies and lives is changing.

Teens often hide their pain from others. They may look like everything’s okay on the surface, while on the inside they are in deep pain. Although they may confide in their friends (but sometimes with grief they don’t) their family may not realize the teen is struggling.

Sometimes children won’t come to their parent for help or to ask questions because they’re concerned about the parent’s pain. They fear the parent will cry, and the children try to protect them.

In the first weeks after the loss, adolescents can feel vulnerable from their grief. They may seek distractions to keep them from feeling, which can make them become stuck in their grief. Although some distractions may be healthy in themselves, such as sports or extracurricular activities, both, if done in excess, can suppress their pain. Even bigger problems come when the teen tries to push away pain—acting out in ways that can get them in trouble, such as drinking, doing drugs, and having promiscuous sex.

Kids may already have peer pressure to engage in these activities. A teen who feels empty inside, full of pain, and lonely is vulnerable to these temporary fixes and the lure of fitting in with a certain crowd. It’s vital to help these grieving teens understand that these behaviors won’t heal their pain. After the temporary “high” caused by drugs, alcohol, and sex, they’ll return to their previous way of feeling, and perhaps even feel worse. They then may continue to indulge as a way to flee their grief and shame.

The behavior of a normal teen and a grieving teen can look the same—mood swings, becoming argumentative, isolating from the rest of the family and maybe even friends. It’s difficult to know if she might be in trouble. Becoming too isolated—dropping out of activities or not keeping plans with friends—may be a sign that she needs more help. A prolonged (as opposed to a few weeks) drop in grades is another danger sign.

Not caring about anything is often a part of grief, and the teen should eventually move through these feelings. But the choices teens make while in this state may cause problems. Dropping grades and skipping classes can lead to further consequences. While they might not care about graduating and college now, when their grief passes they may be upset by the damage they’ve caused themselves.

Boys may have a harder time than girls because they may try to conform to the “manly” stereotype—macho guys don’t show negative emotion (unless it’s anger), and they certainly don’t cry. Plus their male friends may feel uncomfortable with the griever’s emotions and retreat or try to make him laugh, or pick on him, reinforcing the idea that it’s not normal or safe for a male to cry.

Many schools offer peer-counseling groups, which can be a good experience for grieving teens to help process their feelings. Peer counselors are specially trained students who lead the groups. Because the group only consists of students, teens have an easier time opening up.

Children and Bereavement

Children lose grandparents, parents, siblings, other relatives, teachers, friends, and pets. The way the person died, and the child’s relationship with him or her, makes a difference in how the child initially reacts. If the death was expected, and the child was prepared beforehand, the passing impacts the child differently than if the loss was sudden.

When a person (or a pet) leaves or dies, very young children may begin searching for him or her. They look for the presence of the person in various places in the house. Or they may wait at the door, or crawl into a favorite chair and sit. Around ages 6 to 9, children start to understand that death is irreversible. They comprehend that all living things die. But they think they won’t die. Middle school–age children understand death is inevitable, affects everyone, and is final.

Children have a primary need for security. They need to know they’ll be taken care of and loved. They need both physical and emotional comfort. Physical comfort consists of hugs, snuggles, an arm across the shoulders, a shoulder squeeze, hand-holding, or a touch on the arm. Emotional comfort is about positive attention, reassurance, and receiving answers to their questions.

When children try to share their feelings, as much as possible, give them your full attention. You want to send them the message that they and their emotions are important to you. Validate their feelings by telling them what you understand. Sometimes it’s not about the words. A hug, or the touch of your hand on their knee, arm, or shoulder, may be more important than what you say.

Children have a continuing relationship with the deceased, especially a parent. This relationship manifests in dreams, talking about her with toys or in play, talking directly to the deceased, thinking about her, and wondering what the loved one would say or do if she were present now. This relationship with the deceased isn’t set in stone; it changes as the child matures and grows in understanding. As the child reaches different life stages or has certain life events, he or she can miss the loved one in a whole different way.

Children may feel anger about their loss and tend to act it out, which is unproductive. They need a healthy outlet for their anger. Sports are good. However, not all children are interested in athletics, so you might need to be more creative in order to help them.

When 12-year-old Jason’s dad died, his mom could tell he was angry, but she couldn’t get him to talk about it. So she went to a thrift store and bought a cheap set of ugly dishes. She brought them home and had Jason put on safety glasses and a long-sleeved shirt and pants. Then she had him go to the outside of the garage where there was a corner that had cement walls and floor. She had him stand about 10 feet from the wall. She told him to think of his dad’s death, feel angry, and throw the dishes at the wall as hard as he could. (He had to sweep up the pieces afterward.) Then she left him alone. When Jason came back in the house, his face was red, although all he said was, “That was cool!” But for the next few days, his mom noticed that he seemed more like his old self and less angry. She told him to let her know if he ever wanted another box of old dishes. A few times over the following years, when Jason felt the anger build up again, he took his mom up on the offer.

It’s good for children of all ages to write about or draw pictures expressing their feelings. Parents and caregivers can use the writings and artwork as a way to facilitate discussion. Teens, however, may not want to share their journals or artwork with anyone. Encourage them to write a poem, eulogy, or song, which they can show to, or perform for, others.

Younger Children

When a death occurs in the family, it’s an intense and perhaps chaotic time of upheaval. Younger children pick up on the cues around them. They can feel frightened by the strength of the grief around them. They may not receive the comforting they need.

People are often afraid to bring up the loss to children. Some may even think it’s good they forget the person so they won’t miss him. However, the opposite is true. Children need to feel a connection with the dead parent. They need to express their thoughts and feelings about the parent and the death. Stories and memories are important to the child. The child needs the connection that stories provide to their deceased parent, both when they are young and as they grow.

Five-year-old Timmy’s beloved grandfather, Joe, passed away early Christmas morning. When Timmy went to his grandparents’ home, he hugged his grandma and told her, “Grandpa went to stay with God.” A few months passed, and Timmy began getting stomachaches. His parents took him to several doctors, trying to find out the cause, and there was nothing. Finally, at the recommendation of the last doctor, they took him to a counselor. Everyone thought that perhaps his stomachaches had to do with starting kindergarten. Instead, Timmy told the counselor that his grandpa had died, and he missed him. He also asked the counselor, “When you die, why don’t people talk about you anymore?” It made Timmy sad that everyone had forgotten about Grandpa.

Although the family still grieved for and talked about Joe, they rarely did so in front of the kids. It wasn’t intentional, but when the kids were around, they kept on happy subjects. From that day forward, the family talked about Grandpa in front of and with Timmy. The next year on Christmas morning, the family and close friends went to Joe’s favorite restaurant. They talked about Joe and laughed and cried. The experience felt so good, the family has since continued the tradition, and the attendees fluctuate every year, but the core group of relatives remains.

When Timmy was 12, he told everyone that his favorite part of Christmas was when he got to go with everyone for breakfast, walk on the beach and the pier, and remember Grandpa. He said it made him happy to know that Grandpa still spent Christmas with the family.

Young children can act out their grief through play. Sometimes they just do this a few times. Other times it lasts for a long time. The longer it lasts, the more they may need help in processing their loss.

After Lynn’s baby brother died, she, her sister, and the other girls in the neighborhood spent most of their time playing “dead baby.” They’d play with their dolls and give them diseases, kill them, and then have elaborate funerals. This went on for a couple of years. Once the girls were told to quit playing with their dolls and go do something else. So they moved the funeral and burial to the back alley where no adults ever came.

If the play continues for a while, talk to the children and try to help them process in other ways. Both Lynn and Timmy’s story illustrate what can happen if the death isn’t discussed in the family. In Lynn’s case, her parents didn’t talk about the baby’s death, nor did she ever see them cry (although they did privately). The lack of discussion increased her need to dramatize the family pain through her play. The duration of the play mirrored the length of her parents’ grief.

Create a way for the child to say goodbye, especially if he is younger. A good ritual is to have the child write a letter or draw a picture for the deceased. Then tie the message on a balloon that the child releases into the sky. The balloon is used as a symbol of letting go. It helps the child realize the person who died is apart from him. The balloon gives meaning to the death because it’s a ceremony at the child’s level.

Older Children

When someone they love dies, adolescents are often surprised at the level of pain they feel. They may have no reference for it. Nor do they have the experience of adults—which tells them that they will get through this. Adolescents need to be educated about grief, especially how everyone grieves differently. They need to know the grief journey may take a long time. Reassure teens of the following:

• Numbness is a normal reaction. (Adolescents are often confused when they see others being emotional, and they aren’t.)
• It’s okay to go on with their lives.
• Their circle of friends may change if others are uncomfortable with their grief.
• Going to a grief counselor or therapist is like going to any other doctor (except they don’t get stuck with needles).

When 15-year-old Tessa’s mother became ill and died after an emergency surgery, she didn’t know how to feel. In her family, she and her mom were close, and her younger sister was more connected with her father. She’d not only lost her mom, but the person in the family she felt was on her side. The balance between the four of them was gone, and the family was off-center. Part of Tessa’s grief journey involved working issues out with her father, and the two of them becoming closer. Although Tessa’s friends were caring, she knew they didn’t understand what it was like for her. She alternated between periods of acting like everything was okay, even though she felt empty and hurting inside. Other times, she could forget her pain, and just be a teenager with them. She welcomed the chance to forget her sadness for a while.

Older children have friendships that can be deep and intense. Often they feel more connected to their friends than their family. Therefore, they can feel deeply affected by the death of a friend. Even though they’re grieving, everyone’s attention goes to the bereaved family; the teens’ loss may be overlooked. Just acknowledging her grief is important. Say, “I know you’ve lost a good friend, and you’re grieving for him.”

Teens may suffer more from the isolation—no one’s talking about the death. Put yourself in your teen’s shoes. Ask yourself what it would have felt like if you’d lost your parent or other loved one at that age. Try to think about how your teen might feel. Then create opportunities to talk. Sometimes kids open up if you’re doing something together such as folding laundry, driving home from school, or taking a walk. You might try saying to them, “If you want to talk or if you’re struggling or having problems, I want you to tell me. The talk might make us both sad, but it’s still important.” Then you need to demonstrate that it’s safe to do so. It doesn’t help if they share something you don’t like, and you blow up. You’ve broken the trust. It’s doubtful if they’ll share with you again.

Besides talking, there are other things you can do to help your older children process their grief. Provide activities for them (and their younger siblings) to remember the deceased and perhaps share about him or her. Some ideas are to …

• Make a scrapbook.
• View pictures and movies of the deceased.
• Tell a story about him or her.
• Visit the grave.
• Light a candle for the deceased at church and/or at home.
• Plant and care for a memory garden.

Attending the Funeral

A funeral can be frightening, confusing, and overwhelming to a young child. They are not used to seeing adults cry. They may not understand what’s going on. They don’t grasp why adults are crying. They may be afraid of the body in the casket.

Don’t criticize children for playing after the death or on the day of the funeral. That will only make them ashamed and confused.

Invite children to attend the funeral if they have the capacity to understand what’s happening, but leave young children at home. A funeral gives children a chance to formally grieve and say goodbye. However, if children don’t want to attend, don’t force them. Make sure you prepare them beforehand. Explain what will occur during the funeral. Tell them they will see adults cry and become very emotional because they are sad and miss the deceased. Explain about the casket (if there is one) or the urn with the ashes. Don’t take children up to the casket during the viewing or the funeral. Seeing the body can give them fear fantasies and nightmares. Allow adolescents to make their own choice about viewing the body.

The child may not cry because she doesn’t have an understanding about the finality of death. It takes time and maturing before she understands and grieves. Younger child won’t grasp the finality until they’re older. Don’t feel bad about or reprimand the child for not grieving.

Have an adult whom the child knows and likes, such as a favorite babysitter, attend the funeral to be with and take care of the child in case his or her parents are overcome with emotion.

What Others Can Do

Children need trusted adults they can confide in about their feelings and concerns to help them emotionally, especially if they’ve lost a parent or if both parents are grief-stricken. They need someone who’ll encourage them to talk, won’t become upset by what they share, and will answer questions, such as a teacher, clergy member, babysitter, relative, or a parent of a friend. This person can also provide coping suggestions.

Other families, especially if they have kids of a similar age, can include the bereaved child in outings. It’s good for them to be around families who aren’t grieving and just have fun. And if they’ve lost a parent, they can receive some needed “mothering” or “fathering” that they no longer get at home.

Teens rely heavily on their friends for support. Yet many friends may not have experienced loss and may not know how to help. That’s why counseling groups for bereavement with their peers can be helpful (see Chapter 18). They have a safe place to share with other kids their own age. They can see others who are going through what they are, so they don’t feel so alone.

Helping Kids Cope with Divorce

Children need to grieve the loss of the intact family. Even if they knew things were bad between their parents, they might still have wished for one or both of them to change and get along. They grieve not having a mom and dad in the same home. They can grieve not seeing one parent as much.

Often there are secondary losses the child has to grieve, such as the loss of their home, and thus a familiar neighborhood and their friends. It’s also common after a divorce for a parent to have a lower financial status. If money is tight, they might not live the lifestyle they had before and consequently may have to give up activities they enjoyed (and the friends they made through them). There might also be a loss of a planned-for future—for example, going to college—that now might not be affordable.

Sometimes parents don’t know what to say to their kids about the divorce, so they don’t say anything. This is the wrong reaction, and may cause some emotional damage as the kids are left to wonder what’s going on and struggle to cope on their own.

Parents may have a hard time with a child’s grief, especially if they’re angry with the ex or feel good about moving on without their former spouse. They can take the feelings personally and become hurt or angry. They can direct their reactions at the child. When they behave in this way, they don’t provide their child with the safe haven he or she needs to process the grief.

Taking care of yourself emotionally helps you help your children. The more you practice emotional self-regulation, the more your children will feel secure about you and about talking to you about the other parent. Make sure you have people you can talk to so you don’t have to make your child your confidante. Seek counseling to process your emotions and learn healthy coping skills. That doesn’t mean you can’t tell them, “I’m feeling sad about the divorce today.” You can. It’s good for you to explain why you might be in a certain mood around them. Just don’t dump your thoughts and feelings about your ex on them.

The best way to help your child cope is to have an amicable relationship with your co-parent. You might hate your ex’s guts, but you don’t show it—not to your ex and not to your kids. Avoid putting your child in the middle of parental arguments, or forcing your child to take sides with one parent. As much as possible, explain any hurtful behaviors on the other parent’s part in a matter-of-fact, but not disparaging, way.

Parents need to reassure the child that the divorce is not their fault. They didn’t cause it, nor can they fix the parents’ relationship. They need to discuss the changes that will be taking place. They must reassure the child that, no matter what, he or she is loved.

When the parents of my 4-year-old goddaughter, Lauren, first separated, I took her for a walk to find out what she understood about the impending divorce. She told me her mommy and daddy weren’t going to be married and live together anymore. We discussed how she felt. I talked about how mommies and daddies can sometimes stop loving each other. I made sure she knew the divorce wasn’t her fault. Then I reassured her that while mommy and daddy had stopped loving each other, they would never stop loving her. I also let her know she could always talk to me if she had questions or something she wanted to talk about.

If the child’s response is extreme, goes on for a long time, and/or the parent or caregiver is concerned, seek professional help.

If the children’s other parent is no longer very involved (or at all involved), the kids can take that personally. Children can easily feel unlovable and believe that’s why daddy or mommy left. They need assurance that the problem isn’t them, but the other parent’s. Also reassure them as they grow older. They have the right to grieve the fantasy mom or dad—the one they didn’t have, but still want.

Children are resilient. With the love and support of their family, caregivers and teachers, and others, they can get through their loss. It will always be a part of them and shape who they become. They may re-experience their grief at other stages in their life. Yet they’ll know they can recover because they have before.

Essential Takeaways