chapter 9

Death of a Child

The death of a child is the most painful kind of loss. Our children represent our future. In them, we invest our hopes and dreams, love, time, energy, and money. We wish for them a happy childhood, a productive adulthood, and a contented old age. We want (and expect) them to outlive us.

The relationship of parent to child is different from all others. The love of a parent for a child is instinctive, powerful, and enduring. For loving parents, their children are the light of their lives. When death extinguishes that light, they are plunged into a deep, dark, and unbearable abyss.

The Sharpest Pain

The death of a child throws a family completely off balance, like a car that’s lost a wheel. There’s not only the loss of the son or daughter, but also the former stability of the family unit. The family feels incomplete. There’s emptiness now where before there was a person. The family will never feel “normal” again because someone will always be missing.

No matter how old your child, the heart-wrenching pain of losing him or her stays with you always. The passing of the child doesn’t sever the parental bond. In fact, death can intensify it. The connection continues on, even though the object of those emotions has died.

Most people experience grieving for their children in similar ways. They are overwhelmed with complex, intense, and self-absorbing emotions. Their life undergoes a shift, where their priorities change. They often struggle to function on two levels—the outer one, where they try to cope in their work and family lives, and the inner one, where they are engrossed in their grief. Theirs is an ordeal that no one who hasn’t been there before quite understands.

Even answering the common social question, “How many children do you have?” can cause confusion and concern to bereaved parents. They come to dread the question because there is no easy or comfortable response, and they never know if it will make them emotional. Where before a mother or father could take pride in stating, “I have (number) children,” now the answer only gives them pain, no matter what they say. Even though 30 years have passed since Harold’s third child died as a baby, he still struggles with telling people how many children he has. “My tongue gets tangled,” Harold said. “If I say four, I have to explain, and I don’t want to. I’ve learned that saying three is best.”

Wanting to Die

Often, bereaved parents think of dying. They are in emotional and mental agony, and they long to be with their dead child. They don’t want to live the rest of their lives without their son or daughter. It’s not that they are actively suicidal. For them the idea of dying means that they will be released from their pain. Those thoughts are appealing when you’re in the depths of despair.

After 2-year-old Max’s death, his mother prayed to die. She knew she couldn’t commit suicide because of how that act would devastate her husband and parents, but she wanted God to release her from her pain and reunite her with her son. These feelings stayed with her, even through her second pregnancy. It was only when she went into labor, and was on the way to the hospital, that she said to herself, “I’d better stop praying to die.”

Many parents cling to the idea that they will someday reunite with their child in an afterlife. Whether or not they had strong religious beliefs before their child’s death, the idea of being with their child again gives them hope for the future. Sometimes holding on to that hope will help them get through the dark times.

While depression and wishing to die are often a common reaction for parents whose child has died, if you start having suicidal fantasies, and you’ve figured out a way to kill yourself and have the means to do so, then it’s important to see a psychiatrist or a mental-health professional who specializes in bereavement right away.

Guilt

Parents are supposed to protect their children. Even if the parents didn’t cause their child’s death, they may still feel guilty, as if they somehow broke a primary rule of parenting—keeping their child safe. If one or both parents had a part in the death, through negligence or an accident, the guilt and regret becomes a prison sentence they will live with every day for the rest of their lives.

Nancy struggled with guilt for a long time after her 5-week-old son died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) while Nancy was sleeping. “I blamed myself for taking a nap,” she said. “Maybe he wouldn’t have died if I’d been awake. It was harder to bear, to not feel guilty, because there wasn’t a reason for the death. He was an apparently healthy baby, and then he was gone.”

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is the sudden, unexpected death of an apparently healthy infant, usually when sleeping (or thought to be asleep). SIDS is the leading cause of death of infants between 1 week and 1 year of age. Approximately 7,000 babies die of SIDS each year.

Parents can feel guilty about their parenting, especially wishing they’d spent more time with their child. It’s not uncommon for parents to work hard, then, when they’re home, focus on the tasks needing to be done, rather than actually spending quality time with their child. They assume that there will be plenty of opportunities in the future. When parents look back, they wish they’d stopped to play more and work less.

As I mentioned in Chapter 2, parents (and other family members) often have regrets about the death. They wish they had taken different steps to protect the child. They wonder if (or even believe) the child would still be alive if they’d done (or not done) something differently. Regret can intertwine with guilt. Parents feel guilty for many of the things they regret. With time, some parents are able to move past their regrets by realizing that their child was loved and brought up in the best way the parents knew how.

You can take control of your guilty thoughts, although it requires mental self-discipline. Visualize your child standing in front of you. (You might need to make your child older in order to be able to communicate.) As you look at your beloved child, ask yourself if he or she would want you to beat yourself up. Of course, the answer is no. Then imagine the loving and forgiving things your child would say to you, and try your best to let them in. It will take time for the guilty feelings to pass. Repeat the exercise as often as you need.

Vulnerability

After one of their children dies, parents lose their sense of security about life. They feel vulnerable and know how vulnerable their children are. They also realize there are families who’ve lost more than one child and become horrified and frightened by the idea of that happening to them. Parents become more protective of their remaining children, all the while knowing they’re powerless to safeguard every aspect of their children’s lives.

Your intuition is one of your best parenting tools, although it’s the least obvious. Most parents have a story or two of when they followed their intuition and prevented problems with their children. Many parents disregard their instincts, especially if someone else, such as a doctor, reassures or overrides them. If your intuition tells you something is wrong, or to do or not do something with your child, follow through.

Reactions of Others

The innocence of children touches people’s hearts. Almost everyone understands the close bond between parent and child. Even strangers, when learning of the loss of someone’s son or daughter, stop to mentally commiserate with the bereaved family. If they’re religious, they may send a prayer of support.

Shock and Survivor Guilt

Nothing knots the stomachs of parents like the thought of losing one (or more) of their children. It’s every loving parent’s greatest fear. The loss of a child they know sends a shockwave of fear through parents. When a child dies, all the parents who know that family put themselves in those parents’ shoes, imagining losing their own child. The idea is so painful, a parent can’t conceive what the reality must be like. They are heartsick for the deceased and their family. Yet at the same time, the parents may feel some survivor guilt because their own children are alive and healthy.

Recently a company asked me to lead a grief-counseling group. One of their employees had just lost her 10-month-old daughter, and all of her co-workers were upset. Her supervisor cried and told me, “I cannot even fathom what she must be going through. Even though my children are grown, the thought of having lost one when he was a baby … of losing him now ….” Her response is typical of what other parents think at such times.

If someone in your community loses a child, reach out to the family. Send a card or contribute to a fund for them. There are places online, such as a memorial website or Facebook page, where you can leave a message of condolence. The support of others, even strangers, means a lot to the family.

Make sure you stop and take a few minutes to appreciate your own family. Give everyone hugs and tell them you love them. Make calls or send e-mails and texts to others whom you love. Expressing your caring for others, and feeling theirs in return, will bring comfort to you.

Withdrawal

While it may seem unbelievable to those who haven’t experienced it, many people avoid families whose child has died. They often experience a subconscious (and irrational) fear that the tragedy is contagious and might spread to their family. Or they don’t know what to say, so they avoid making the attempt, although they first might make a token call, send a card, or attend the funeral before disappearing. Others don’t even make an effort.

Sometimes the avoidance is blatant. Friends will be in the vicinity of the bereaved parent(s) but pretend they didn’t see them. If they do speak with them, they’ll talk about everything under the sun except the death of the child. Or they’ll change the subject when the topic of the child’s death comes up.

The first time this happened to Lori, whose 14-year-old daughter, Megan, died of a previously unknown heart condition, she was in the grocery store. She saw the mother of one of Megan’s classmates. The woman pretended not to see her and ducked down another aisle. Then she must have hurried out of the store because Lori didn’t see her again. At first, Lori felt hurt, but after a few more similar occurrences, she realized some people just weren’t able to deal with her.

When you lose a child, you don’t feel normal; few, if any, of your peers have lost a child. Your family is now different from all others you know. You feel the distinction, and you often see the difference reflected in the stilted words and distancing behaviors of people. As family members, friends, and acquaintances avoid you, you’re left isolated in your agony.

Parents are lonely in their grief. They miss their child dearly. Their friends may not understand their feelings. Social activities become unimportant, and they have people (some whom they care about) pulling away because those people don’t want to see their grief. Friends also may be unsure whether to continue their regular topics of conversation, many of which involve their children.

It’s easy to feel hurt by the avoidance of others. Try not to take it personally. People are not deliberately trying to hurt you. They just don’t know what to say or do.

Other friends, acquaintances, or even strangers can step forward, offering the family much-needed support. Existing friendships can deepen. New friends, especially those who’ve lost a child, can become a lifeline. Long after the death, parents tell stories of how people helped them. The kindness of others benefits the family during the time of raw grieving, and it lives on in their memories.

The Loss of Children at Different Life Stages

As children grow, their relationship with their family also changes, gaining a greater intensity as they age. For most parents, the longer they know their children, the more deeply they love them. Interactions at each developmental stage bring both challenges and pleasures to the parents. Parents whose children die not only lose the physical relationship, but also their role with that child, and a chance for that role to grow as the child matures.

Saying a permanent goodbye to their child is one of the hardest things parents will ever do. Most are completely unprepared for the level of grief they feel. The child’s passing leaves a huge hole in their heart, one that will never be entirely filled. Many parents feel they’ve lost a part of themselves because of the death of their child. They’re forever changed by the experience.

Miscarriage

A miscarriage is an unexpected and devastating event. One day, you’re planning to become a parent to a special baby, and then the next day, you’re mourning the loss. It doesn’t matter how soon into the pregnancy it happens. A pregnant woman feels the fetus growing inside her and forms an intimate connection with the baby early on. She begins to imagine her baby, seeing herself holding her infant. She dreams about being a mother to this child, no matter how many other kids she has.

Fathers, too, experience prenatal attachment to their babies. A man will place his hands on the mother’s stomach and feel the child kick. He will talk to his baby, and think about playing with it someday. Even though a man doesn’t feel the baby within his body like a woman does, he has a relationship with it.

Following the loss of a fetus, a woman has to cope with the affects of both a birth and a death. Her body reacts physically. Her emotions fluctuate due to hormones and sadness. She might be numb or in shock, until a wave of grief hits her. For many young mothers, this might be their first experience with loss, and they don’t understand their feelings.

After a miscarriage, it’s normal for mothers to blame themselves. Even if the doctor reassures her, it’s hard not to feel guilty. Dozens of questions arise to haunt her. “Did I do something to lose my baby? Maybe I didn’t eat right or get enough sleep. Maybe I should have exercised more (or less). Maybe I was under too much stress.” So in addition to her grief, a mother experiences guilt.

It’s not uncommon for others to invalidate the loss of a baby because of miscarrying. Parents are told things like, “Maybe it’s for the best.” Or “You’ll have another one.” Although family, friends, and co-workers mean well when they make these statements, the message that comes across is: This event wasn’t a big deal. You need to get over it and move on.

“I hate it when people trivialize the loss of a child due to early miscarriage. To me, that baby was real, and her death still hurts.”

—Anne, about her miscarriage in 1996

In addition to the grief parents feel about their loss, they have fears for the future. “Will we be able to have a healthy baby? What if it happens again?” Most women who miscarry, however, go on to have successful pregnancies. By understanding the waves of emotion that can hit you after a miscarriage, you can help yourself heal.

It may aid your recovery to find a ritual to bring some feelings of closure. Write in a journal. Plant a tree in your baby’s memory. Write a poem about your baby or about the loss. Paint a picture that represents your feelings. Write a goodbye letter to the baby.

Death of a Child, 0–12

For most parents, a baby is a dream turned into a reality. The birth of the first child propels a man or a woman into the position of father or mother, experiencing a previously unknown depth of intimate, protective love. It’s a bond they believe will last all their lives.

After the death of a baby or little child, sometimes parents have a longing for another one to fill their empty arms. This is especially true when the deceased child is little because the parents are younger and the baby will be closer in age to his or her siblings. But children are not replaceable. Each child is different, in looks, personality, talents, and interests. A new baby will not take away the family’s pain, although the infant can bring joy and a new source of love. However, parents first need to give themselves time to grieve before they try to conceive.

After Nancy’s baby died, she and her husband tried to have another one right away. But she had two painful miscarriages. Finally her doctor told her she needed to rest her body. They waited a year before trying again, and then their son was conceived and born healthy. “Looking back,” Nancy said, “I can also see I needed that time to heal my heart as well as my body.”

Death of an Adolescent

The death of adolescents places an additional level of grief on family members. Teens are at a stage in life where they are showing promise of who they will become—the contribution they might make to the world. With their death, those around them must mourn their passing, as well as the loss of their potential.

Teenagers and young adults are often at loggerheads with their families. If the death happened during one of these times, parental guilt can increase. Or, if the young person has outgrown this difficult stage, parents can feel like they’ve put all this energy into navigating their child through adolescent problems, only to lose her or him.

Adolescents think they’re indestructible. This attitude is due to lack of life experience and the incomplete development of their brains. At this stage in their lives, they venture out on their own, without the parental protection they had as a child. Many teenage deaths from accidents happen because of incautious risk-taking, unwise choices, or influence of peer pressure.

The Teen Brain

According to the National Institutes of Health, the prefrontal cortex area—the region of the brain that governs judgment, decision-making, and impulse control (which inhibits risky behavior)—is not fully formed until age 23 to 26.

Although it may be painful to be around your son or daughter’s friends, you might also find them a source of comfort. It’s not uncommon for the friends to want to hang around the bereaved family, especially if you make them feel welcome. They have suffered a loss, too. As the years pass, they may still stop by and give you opportunities to reminisce about your child.

Death of an Adult Child

When children become adults, the relationship with their parents changes. Many times, parents have developed pride in and respect for their adult child. An adult child can become a friend, perhaps even a close friend. Still, the grief of parents who’ve lost an adult child is often discounted, as if the pain is somehow less because the child is grown. But actually, it’s usually the opposite. You have raised your children to adulthood and seen them develop lives of their own. You expect them to provide you with grandchildren (or perhaps they already have), then live to raise them. You think they’ll take care of you in your old age.

If the child was troubled (for example, they had a long-time drug habit), or the relationship wasn’t close, the parents can still hope that their son or daughter will turn around and live a happy, productive life, which will include a close connection with the family. With the death, that hope ends. The parents must mourn the actual death of their child, as well as the loss of hope for change.

When I was called to a company to counsel employees about the loss of one of their colleagues, Rhonda came to see me. She told me her co-worker’s death had brought up feelings about her son’s passing, and she wasn’t sure what to do about it. I asked her how long her son had been gone, expecting she’d give me an answer in years. Instead, she said, “October.” I counted back. “Four months ago?” Rhonda nodded and began to cry. She told me her 35-year-old son had been physically fit, but had died suddenly of a stroke. Then she asked me if something was wrong with her. Gently I asked her why she had that idea. She said that her husband (not her son’s father) kept telling her she needed to “get over it.” Although it probably wasn’t his intention, by trying to hurry her into recovery, he’d convinced her that her grief was wrong. When I asked her what she did with her feelings, Rhonda said she hid them from him.

I validated Rhonda’s feelings and let her know nothing was wrong with her. As she shared with me about her son, I saw her unwind. I told her she would mourn the loss of her son for the rest of her life, and needed to give herself permission to do so. I gave her some resources she could turn to for support. After our talk, she sat up straighter, confidence in her face. I’d provided her with the reassurance she had needed. Her feelings were normal, and she could take as long as she needed to grieve her son’s passing.

Like Rhonda, it’s important for parents of the deceased adult child to allow themselves all the time and space they need to grieve. If others, no matter how well meaning, try to invalidate or push you out of your grief, you need to set boundaries with them. Let them know that your feelings are normal, and there is no timetable for your grief.

“I lost my son and best buddy. We loved to go to baseball games together. We had season tickets. I can’t even watch baseball anymore without hurting. Sometimes I go to a game just because I know he’d want me to. But it’s hard.”

—Len

Effects on the Family Unit

A family is a community made up of people who are bonded emotionally. If something happens to one member of the family, the others are going to also be affected. Relationships and roles can change because of the death. For example, a parent who has lost an adult son may now take on childcare responsibilities so the daughter-in-law can go to work. Or the daughter-in-law may move away with the grandchildren, leaving the parents to grieve the death of their child as well as the loss of closeness with their grandchildren.

Marital Problems

A child’s death can strain a relationship to the breaking point. If a marriage is troubled before the death, it is particularly vulnerable. However, divorce is not an inevitable outcome. When a child dies, both parents are overwhelmed with pain and struggle to survive. However, as I said in Chapter 3, men and women often grieve differently. This can lead to misunderstandings that can cause fights and distance in the relationship at the very time a couple needs their bond to be strong.

Harold talked to me about the long-ago death of his baby son and how it affected his marriage. “The bad part of it was that I couldn’t help my wife,” he said. “I couldn’t handle my own emotions, and I withdrew. We never really did talk about his death. It was something that was always there, but we didn’t talk about it.”

Some of the ways a couple has always bonded may fall by the wayside. It’s not uncommon for one or both of the couple to stop engaging in activities that formerly brought them pleasure. In addition, a husband or wife (or both) may lose desire for sex due to the lack of an intimate connection, fatigue, or deep sadness. This can be especially difficult if one partner desires sex and the other doesn’t.

Often, there’s (spoken or unspoken) blame involved, which creates a rift between the couple. One parent can blame the other. They both fault each other, and/or one or both blame themselves. The feelings can be corrosive to an individual’s physical and emotional health, especially when the negativity turns to bitterness.

Partners can turn away from each other’s grief, instead of turning toward each other. Each one doesn’t know what to say to comfort the other. Hugging, without words or with few words, is often the best way to be supportive. Saying, “I understand,” “I know,” or, “I feel that way, too,” is often all that’s needed to establish closeness.

Sibling Grief

Children may have to process the loss of a sibling alone. Their parents are often too grief-stricken initially to be able to help them. Extended family members may also be incapacitated by grief. Sometimes, children try to escape to the homes of friends and neighbors, just to be away from their pain-filled houses.

However, children who’ve lost a brother or sister often don’t have a lot of understanding from their peers. They no longer feel “normal” because the death makes them different. Their friends and classmates (after the funeral) go back to a regular life, so the bereaved siblings may feel isolated. Their friends may not know what to say or do to support them.

Your children need to know it’s okay to talk to you, even if you become emotional. Tell them: “You aren’t making me cry. The sadness is always there. Even if I cry, it feels good that we are talking about (the deceased). It helps me when you talk to me because then I know what’s going on with you, and I can hopefully help you, too.”

Extended Family Members

When a child dies, the focus is on the immediate family. But members of the extended family suffer as well, often without the support shown to the parents. Grandparents can be very close with their grandchildren. The child might hold a special place in his or her aunt’s or uncle’s heart. Cousins might be good friends of the deceased. But relatives are often left to grieve alone.

Extended family members don’t just have grief from their own loss; the suffering of other relatives torments them. For example, a grandmother can grieve the loss of her grandchild, and feel pain for her adult child who is the parent. She might also suffer because she sees the sadness of her spouse, son- or daughter-in-law, her other adult children (the aunts and uncles), and grandchildren (siblings and cousins). The pain of each family member compounds her own.

It’s important for family members to draw together and rely on each other for support. At the same time, each one needs to understand everyone is in mourning and will be for many years. Some people’s grief might manifest in irritability, anger, or withdrawal, difficult reactions for the rest of the family to deal with. Try (as much as possible) to not take others’ behavior personally, but set limits if anyone is hurtful. Keep reminding each other that the reactions might be caused by grief.

Coping by Helping Other Parents

Most parents who lost a child report that the people who helped them the most were other bereaved parents. They felt only those who’d been through the ordeal truly understood them. Involvement in bereavement groups for families who lost children can become a lifeline. Parents help parents in an unending chain. When a child dies, other bereaved parents step forward. Then eventually, those parents reach out to others in the same situation. Often, someone who knows both families, such as a minister, matches up bereaved parents. Or one family might be acquainted with the other, and they offer help. Sometimes strangers extend a helping hand, knowing how important it is for newly bereaved families to receive support from those who’ve been there. (See the Resources appendix for support groups.)

Gail, whose 14-year-old daughter passed away from a sudden heart condition, described the drawing together of bereaved parents as “a club you don’t want to belong to.” Another mother in the community, whose teenage daughter died 15 months earlier from a similar condition, contacted her. Gail thought. “If she’s survived a year and a half of this, I bet I can.”

Life Goes On Without Your Child

As much as parents might want to die or disengage from reality, life goes on. For many parents, the fact that the “world” didn’t stop when their child died was a shock. For many months or even years, parents just struggled to survive the loss. At some point, which is different for each person, they gradually began engaging more in life. (Chapters 20 and 21 discuss more ways to help yourself heal.)

“The world gets older but he’s still two, And we dream of things he’ll never do.”

—From “The Garden of Stone,” a poem about Max, by Michael Kaner

Having other children doesn’t ease the pain of losing one. However, the presence of other children helps anchor parents. They know they must survive and make a semblance of living for their other kids. And their other children provide a source of pride and joy for them.

Children stay alive in their parents’ memory. Birthdays and the anniversary of the death are common times for parents to think of their deceased child. Many parents use rituals to mark the sad occasion. For example, they might visit the grave site on a birthday or light a candle in church on the anniversary.

Many times parents are able to use thoughts of their child to comfort and support themselves. A mother of a 9-year-old who died in an accident said, “I’ve been through the worst. Nothing else can break me down now. She’s my angel. I use her as an inspiration every day.”

While parents never “get over” the death of their child, they learn to accept the fact of the death and come to terms with their altered lives. They find ways to integrate the child within themselves. Often parents talk about that their child has become an internalized part of them, and they find that comforting. Eventually parents can come to a place in their lives where they aren’t in pain anymore—at least most of the time. There will still be sadness when they think of their child, especially for what might have been. However, the grief, fear, regret, and uncertainty can (for the most part) pass.

Essential Takeaways