chapter 7

Death of Parents

We only have two biological parents—a mother and a father (although others can step into those roles). Our parents were the first people who fell in love with us, and we with them. They were our primary teachers. We learned basic life skills and so much more from them. All our lives, they’ve been our biggest cheerleaders. We’ve basked in the pride they take in us. No one else knows our life story like they do. Our parents shape who we become. For better or worse, and often in between, our parents were the most formative influence of our childhood.

We know (even if we don’t want to think about it) that there will come a time when our parents die, and we will be left without them. We want our parents to remain mentally and physically healthy and for their deaths to take place in the distant future. Yet at some point, we must face the painful reality of our parents dying and death.

Death of Parent(s) When You’re a Child

The age you are when your parents pass away makes a difference in how their death impacts you. If it happens early in your life, their loss can be quite damaging. The death of a parent when you’re a child alters your whole world. Nothing is ever the same again. The structure of the family changes. You miss out on their loving care and guidance for the rest of your life. You’ll have emotional hardships and challenges that you wouldn’t have experienced if your parent had lived.

“My mother died in an accident when I was six. All I knew was that my life was happy and filled with love on one day, and the next it changed to sadness and confusion.”

—Lynne

Younger children may not remember much (or anything) about their deceased parent. They grow up with this gap in their memory where their mom or dad should be. Other people have to fill in the blanks, telling stories and sharing memories of who he or she was. But even that is an incomplete picture.

When one parent dies, the remaining parent is often grief stricken. He or she has to deal with funeral details and cope with unexpected and unwelcome life changes. Often grandparents, aunts, and uncles are similarly affected. There may be no one to focus on the child’s emotional needs.

Jessica’s dad was an Air Force fighter pilot and died in a plane crash when she was three. Her mom was only 27. Her mom’s grief shaped Jessica’s life. She grew up acting very responsible and careful because it was important to her mother that she stayed alive. Her mother sometimes told her that the only reason she survived was because she had a child to take care of. Jessica’s entire life was formed by the understanding that sometimes people just disappear and never come home. It made her want to hold on to people and possessions and keep life from ever changing.

Children can feel vulnerable without one of their parents. They may worry that the remaining parent will die. Younger children may become fearful and clingy. Older children might try to grow up fast so they can take care of themselves if something should happen to the remaining parent.

The oldest child (or children) can be pushed (or choose to step) into the role of caretaker for younger siblings, or even the remaining parent. There might not be a lot of space for him or her to grieve because of the overwhelming responsibilities of the caretaking role. An older child might also receive praise from others for being “the man or woman” of the family—a horrible burden to place on a kid. Few individuals (if anyone) make time for the premature little adult, taking her away for an outing to allow opportunities to be a child for a while and to talk about what’s going on with her.

The financial situation of the family often changes. It’s not uncommon for the family to move after the death. Either they cannot afford to remain where they are, or they wish to live closer to relatives or a job so there’s not a long commute.

Children can also lose extracurricular activities, due to the move, lack of finances, or lack of time or energy on the part of the remaining parent. The children might have to give up a beloved pet because no animals are allowed in the new apartment or the family can’t afford it. These losses compound the children’s grief from the death of their parent. (Chapter 19 discusses how to help children cope with the death of a loved one.)

Children who have lost one or both parents may grow up with abandonment issues. They may (consciously or subconsciously) fear losing someone else they love, and/or believe they aren’t lovable or don’t deserve love. When they grow up, this fear can play out in relationships. They can choose someone who fits their fear profile—the person is emotionally unavailable, or not the type to stay in a relationship. Or he or she chooses someone who would stay, but may end up driving the person away because of jealousies and insecurities. These failed relationships can reinforce their abandonment beliefs.

People with abandonment issues and a rocky relationship history should consider counseling, so they can work out their issues, feel worthy of love, and choose healthier partners.

Death of a Parent When You’re a Young Adult

When you’re 18 through your 20s, you may not be as equipped to lose one or both of your parents as when you’re more mature. When you’re a child, a lot of relatives and friends may step in to help you and your family. When you’re older, you may find yourself on your own. You may not know healthy ways to cope with your loss. You may feel all alone with friends who don’t understand and a family absorbed in their own grief. Your pain may push you into behavior and choices that are unhealthy. Now that you’re a “grownup,” there’s no one to curb your acting out. Therefore, you can get yourself into a lot of trouble, which can have lasting consequences.

Both of Cathy’s parents died when she was in her early 20s, and she tried to deny her pain, grief, and trauma. She partied and drank. She had sex with many guys. She spent a lot of money she didn’t have. But the acting out didn’t help. The destructive behavior just rendered her mindless enough not to think or feel. “The worst moments of stress and pain in my life,” said Cathy, “bring back that yearning to return to the days when my parents were there with a way to fix every problem and every heartache.”

Death of a Parent When You’re Older

As adults, we no longer depend on our parents for our emotional and physical survival. They’ve done their job. They’ve raised us. We no longer need them. Or do we? No matter how old we are, we have a child inside us that’s attached to our mommy and daddy. Our parents are friends, sources of wisdom and life experiences, grandparents to our children, and custodians of family history and traditions. We may have years with them when we are more like peers. When they die, so do their roles in our lives and in our family.

You can grieve bits and pieces of your parents as they begin to age, change, and stop participating in many family activities. You see them grow frailer, and your heart can ache. Eventually they decline to the point that you’re grieving your once-healthy mother or father—the one who’s no longer there. At the same time, you can have a tremendous appreciation for them just knowing they won’t be with you forever.

Our parents are deeply embedded in our emotional psyche. After all, we’ve known them all our lives. We’ve always been a son or daughter. When they pass, it’s often hard for our subconscious to believe they’re gone. For a long time after their death, we can have thoughts of them as if they’re alive. We forget they’re gone; then we remember and the reality crashes down on us.

This happened to Linda, whose mother died five years previously. She and her husband had finished a remodeling job on their bathroom. While Linda was admiring the room, she thought, “I should take a picture and send it to Mom. She’d really like to see how it turned out.” Linda went to get the camera. Then the realization hit—her mother was dead. For a few minutes, Linda felt stabbed with pain, like she’d lost her mom all over again.

After your parents pass away, you can miss doing things with them. They’re no longer a phone call or e-mail away. You miss getting their advice, approval, or love. As time goes by, you find you still have questions for them. You might want your mom’s recipe to a traditional dish that’s now lost. You might want your dad’s advice in an area of his expertise. You wish you had their knowledge of family history—not just about their lives and that of past generations—but also of your life. They’re the ones who can answer questions about your infancy and childhood, things you don’t remember.

Even if you’re ready to let go because of your parents’ physical or mental condition, after their death, grief continues to hit you. Just because you’re at peace with your parents passing away doesn’t mean you’re at peace with their physical absence in your life. You miss your parents at major life turning points—graduations, marriages, and births. You wish your children or grandchildren could have relationships with them. No matter how old you are, you can have times of missing your parents.

Guilt

Guilt is often a prevalent feeling with parents. After all, they originated guilt-tripping you. They know how to push your buttons. Secondly, at the end of their lives, parents are often hard to take care of. They can be demanding, critical, and complaining. Their needs can seem never-ending. You may feel like a bad son or daughter while they are alive (even if they never say so) because you can’t be there enough for them. Or, after the death of one or both of your parents, you can feel guilty, thinking you should have done more.

“After my parents died, I felt relief. They weren’t responsive (due to Alzheimer’s) for a while before they died. Then I felt guilty, as if I was a bad daughter for feeling that way. It took me a while to work through that.”

—Sharon

When your parents become elderly and in need of caretaking, sometimes you’re the one who guilts yourself. It’s common to tell yourself (and others) that your parents did everything for you as a baby and child. Now it’s your turn to take care of them. Sometimes, adult children can feel genuinely grateful to be close to and care for a parent. Others struggle. It’s not their choice to be in a caretaking situation—of course, they’d rather their parents were healthy and able to take care of themselves.

Your parents’ physical and/or mental condition can worsen to the point where you welcome the idea of their death, even though you might feel guilty about that. Or you can feel guilty for the relief you feel when they die because they’re not suffering and you’re released from caregiving responsibilities. It’s important to remind yourself that guilt is normal and not something you need to beat yourself up about.

Issues with Siblings

It’s not uncommon for sibling issues to flare up at the final stage of a parent’s life. There may have always been problems between brothers and sisters, which worsen now. Other times, new ones arise. Siblings have an acute awareness of fairness and that includes who does the most caretaking of mom or dad. The sibling who bears the brunt of the responsibility often feels resentful of other siblings.

Conversely, siblings can draw together at this time. Perhaps they reunite, traveling to be there before the death or to attend the funeral. Grieving together, sharing memories with their dying parent or with each other, can be a bubble of time when their focus is on their childhood family. They can feel a renewal of their love for each other.

Grieving Difficult Parents

Dysfunctional parents can be a primary source of irritation and pain. You may have always had troubled relationships with them. Or problems may have developed later in your life as you’ve changed and grown and/or your parents have changed for the worse. No matter how awful your parents are (even if you’ve cut yourself off from them), you may have the secret hope that they will change and finally become the parents you’ve always wanted.

Sometimes, when a dysfunctional parent is dying, he or she does soften, make amends, and open up. For a little while, you do have the parent you’ve always wished for. When he or she dies, you grieve the “good” parent you had for only a short time. You can wish for more months with that parent.

Your parents may die without giving you a chance to work through your issues with one or both of them. When they do pass away, you may feel empty, hurt, and resentful. For example, you always craved their approval, but now will never have it. With the death, the hope that your parent(s) will change dies with them.

Veronica was a critical, even verbally abusive, woman who seemed to have no soft side. She never showed her two children, Tom and Maria, love and affection, and she made their lives miserable. When she passed away, both Tom and Maria spoke at her funeral, talking about what a difficult, unhappy woman she was. They even said they weren’t sorry she’d died. Veronica had left behind a legacy of damage and hurt that her children had to live with and try to heal.

The death of a difficult parent can set you free from their drama, criticism, selfishness, abuse, or apathy. You no longer have to deal with their hurtful or destructive behavior. You can explore and heal from the damage they caused you. You can become a better mother or father to your own children, so you don’t pass on the dysfunction to another generation.

One Parent Remains

How your surviving parent handles the death of his or her spouse makes a difference to you. Your parent can be a “rock,” he or she can fall to pieces, or anything in between. Adult children have their own grief, and may also have to support the other parent who has lost a spouse of many years. They may help manage the logistics of the death and afterward. They may struggle to keep the remaining parent from giving up on life. There may be no one to support the adult child and help with grief he or she is feeling.

Interesting Fact

Forty-three million Americans look after someone age 50 or older.

Sometimes in a long-term marriage, when a spouse dies, the partner never seems to get over it. Something within him or her fades away. It can feel like a burden if you have to prop up your remaining parent for a length of time. You’re grieving, trying to live your regular life, and now you might have caretaking duties, in addition to trying to emotionally sustain your parent. You want him to move on and find new meaning and even joy in life. You don’t want your parent to grieve himself to death.

Grief can make an elderly parent become more frail, vulnerable, and helpless. He might not know some basic survival skills such as cooking, and/or there is some mental deterioration, which makes accounting and bill-paying difficult. Sometimes your parent finds his feet and eventually is able to go on. Other times he continues to go downhill, placing a greater burden on your shoulders.

Natalie took care of her elderly father, who was not doing well since her mother passed away two years earlier. Her father couldn’t get over his wife’s death. He seemed lost. He wanted Natalie to cook for him and do his laundry like her mom had. The burden had become too much for her. She couldn’t keep doing everything for him, and she felt guilty. She had a long talk with her father, and together, they decided to hire someone to help with housekeeping and fixing meals.

Don’t become so focused on comforting and supporting your surviving parent that you don’t allow yourself your own grief.

Many adult children have problems when their parent begins to date again. They may feel threatened by the new person in mom or dad’s life. They may worry that he or she will take the parent away from them, physically and financially. They can dislike the idea of someone else in mom or dad’s place. The parent may make it harder on the children. He (it’s more common with men) or she jumps into dating quickly, before the adult children have finished their grieving. They think their parent is acting foolish just because he or she doesn’t want to be alone or feel grief. It’s also difficult for the adult children if the new spouse is insecure, alienates the children, and/or forces the parent to give up old traditions and normal extended-family time. Adult children can feel hurt and bitter about the parent’s choices, which only compound their grief for the deceased parent.

However, not all bereaved parents rush into dating. Many take the time to process their grief and come to terms with their loss. When the time comes to date, they have a talk with their children, including them in on the decision and the reasons for it. Discussions can take place that involve each side expressing their feelings and fears. Because the children know beforehand, they can prepare themselves. They can understand more about their dad and mom’s loneliness and need for a companion. Maybe they can even participate in choosing people for the parent to date. They can have a more open mind about the new man or woman because they don’t feel as threatened.

Three years after my father died, my mother knew it was time to date, and she kept me in the loop every step of the way. When her friend introduced her to a man, Del, my mom accepted a date, even though she had initial reservations. One date turned into another. Soon my mother fell in love, and I got a kick out of her looking as smitten as a high school girl. She’d chosen wisely, a man whom the whole family could respect and soon came to love. Del has been a great companion for her, a loving father figure to me, and a wonderful “grandfather” for my nieces. I know my dad would approve of and be grateful for the care Del has taken of his family.

Losing Beloved In-Laws

In-laws can be a thorn in your marriage, people you have a polite relationship with, or people who are very dear to you, maybe even closer than your own parents. Your in-laws have ties of blood and love to your children. You’ve all become woven into a family. You may even become the primary caretaker as they age. When they die, you can feel profound grief.

In addition to your own sadness, you are impacted by the emotions of your spouse and children. You may worry about supporting your loved ones in their time of grieving. You may have to cope with some distancing, acting out, or depressed behavior on the part of your spouse and children. It may take a while before the family feels like they return to normal.

Spousal Support

The way you support your spouse before and after the death of her parent will make a difference in your marriage later on. Beyond the necessary help you give your spouse in her time of grief, afterward she will always look back and appreciate your care. Or your spouse can resent what you did or failed to do.

Madeline’s father developed a cough that he couldn’t seem to shake. Finally, he had extensive tests, and the doctor discovered he had stage-four cancer. From that point on, he deteriorated rapidly. During his shocking decline, Madeline felt like she was living in a nightmarish trance. She could barely function, but tried to spend every minute she could with her father. Her husband, Sam, was also devastated by the news. After 25 years of marriage, he’d come to love his father-in-law like a father. Yet he recognized that his distraught wife needed his support. Sam did his best to pick up the pieces of life dropped by his wife. He held her when she broke down in sobs several times a week, and stayed by her side as much as possible. Madeline’s dad died a month after his cancer diagnosis. Weeks later when Madeline had gotten over her shock, she was able to recognize and appreciate Sam’s contribution during that dark time. Even in the midst of her grieving, she felt more in love with her husband. Now several years later, she still feels appreciative of his efforts.

Due to the stereotype of difficult in-laws, you may not receive much support for your grief. Other people might not understand what you’re going through. They may even discount your feelings. Instead of holding your feelings in, try to find others who’ve lost a beloved mother- or father-in-law. It will help to talk to someone who understands.

Losing the Second Parent

For many people, the death of their second parent doesn’t double their grief: it can multiply it. They can have intense feelings from becoming orphaned. Although these emotions may be more intense if they’re younger when they lose their parents, it’s still a double loss that can rock their world in painful ways. There’s this vast empty space where before you had your parents.

“For me, losing my mother was shocking. It was unexpected. It opened a can of worms I had no idea how to deal with emotionally. When my father died, it was less unexpected, but the fact that it happened so soon after my mother hadn’t given me any time to truly process and no time to grieve because I was still dealing with the business end of her death.”

—Kristin

If there’s physical time (years) between deaths, it may give adult children a better opportunity to grieve and work through the issues. They can cope better with the second death because they’ve already dealt with the first one. If there are only months or a few years between the deaths or they happen simultaneously, your sense of being orphaned can intensify. You may feel like you want to “go home,” but you can’t because the two people who represented “home” are gone.

When we have grandparents and parents living, we can pretend they are barriers between death and us. In the usual scheme of things, we begin losing grandparents first. Then one parent dies, followed by the other. We become adult orphans. That barrier of protection is gone. No one stands between death and us. Our awareness of our mortality increases.

Wrapping Things Up

When you’ve just lost your remaining parent, you (along with your siblings) may have the responsibility of settling the estate. While you’re grieving, you have to deal with property and possessions. You may have to go through the house and garage—every single drawer, cupboard, and closet—and clean out, give away, and sell a lifetime of possessions. It’s a time-consuming and painful process. If you don’t have siblings (or they live out of state) the burden falls on you. You can be so busy organizing the funeral and everything else, you may not have time to grieve. It may hit you later.

If you didn’t have problems with your siblings before, they can manifest now as you struggle to divvy up valuable or meaningful property and possessions. This is also a time when unresolved issues with siblings can rear their ugly heads. Feelings (sometimes old) of unfairness rise up. Sometimes division of the estate just can’t be done in a way that feels equitable to all. What do you do when there’s only one heirloom vase and all three sisters want it? These problems can permanently divide family members.

If one or more siblings were the primary caretakers, they may feel entitled to more of the estate and become upset if their siblings don’t agree. Or the parent may have willed them a larger share. If siblings weren’t privy to this agreement beforehand, they can disagree or feel resentful now. Or they may think the caretaker does deserve more, but not that much more. The whole process can exacerbate the grief journey.

Coping with Your Parent’s Death

Like any death, coping can vary due to how your parents died. Your parent’s unexpected death can knock your world off-kilter. You struggle to find your emotional feet enough to organize the funeral and help other family members who are grieving, too. A sudden death might drop unexpected responsibilities in your lap when you’re shocked and grieving. Your grief journey might be longer and harder because you didn’t have time to prepare.

Sometimes parents live a long and full life. When the time comes for them to die, they’re ready. They may have also struggled with health concerns that make them (and you) resigned to the inevitable. After the death, you can feel sad, and/or you can have some guilt. But you may not have the intense grief others feel for different types of death.

A friend of Shawn’s sent him booklets about dealing with grief. Reading those, the main thing he felt about his father’s death was guilt over not feeling all those emotions discussed in the booklets. He was sad, but not devastated. His father had lived a good, long life. With all his health problems, his passing wasn’t a big shock. But in comparing himself to the people in the booklet, Shawn felt like some kind of coldhearted, unnatural son.

Aging and illness can take a toll on your parent, until he or she is no longer the person you want to remember. Sometimes the last stage of life and the dying process can be traumatic. You might keep flashing back to memories of those final days and moments—ones you’d rather forget. You can switch your thoughts to happier memories, but it might take some effort.

Sara’s mother, Vivian, was in a long-term-care hospital for four months before she passed away. Sara didn’t want to remember her mother looking so old, tired, and worn. She went through family pictures and selected ones showing Vivian’s beauty, liveliness, and happiness. She kept them in a basket for people to look at when they came by the house. Now whenever Sara thinks of her mother, she remembers her based on those pictures.

Losing a parent is a major life adjustment, and it’s important that you take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Seek support from others who have lost parents and understand what you’re going through. Be patient with your grieving process. It takes time to come to terms with the loss of a beloved parent. Recognize that for the rest of your life, you may have surges of missing your parents.

Essential Takeaways