chapter 15

Death of a Marriage

Grieving over a divorce is different in some ways than grieving over the breakup of a romantic relationship. In a marriage, you take vows to stay together for the rest of your lives. On your wedding day, you feel totally in love with your partner and believe your love will last forever. You have a dream of how your future will look, including an idealized relationship with your husband or wife.

The two of you build on those vows, creating a life together, which may involve children. A divorce shatters that life. You have to grieve the loss of your marriage, your life as it was, the shared plans and commitments, and the future you dreamed about. Everyone else who’s involved with the two of you—family and friends—may grieve as well.

Separation and Divorce

A separation and divorce causes a mass of emotional, physical, and logistical problems and complications. While you’re in the midst of grieving the loss of your marriage, you might have a legal battle over property, possessions, and income. You might also have a custody battle (which can get really ugly) over your children. You may need to divide up the household possessions, move, change legal and financial paperwork, deal with your children’s reactions to the divorce, and many other things. Unless you have full custody of your children, you have to deal with not seeing them every day, or even what you consider very often. Losing out on being with your children every day is one of the hardest parts of a divorce. It can take you a while to even get settled enough to allow yourself to process the intense emotions you may feel.

Breakdown of Communication

Good communication involves talking in a way your partner can absorb and understand, not in a way that’s critical, belittling, blaming, or condescending. When there are issues in a marriage, about half of the time the problem is unhealthy or ineffective communication. The more frustrated, hurt, angry, resentful, and upset the couple becomes, the more their communication worsens.

This happened in Shelly’s marriage. After her divorce, she realized the biggest issue with the marriage was that she and her husband had stopped talking about the important stuff. Their love never went away, but it became buried under too many other things.

When communication breaks down in a marriage, it can severely damage the relationship and is often one of the leading causes of divorce. People tend to equate communication with talking, and that is one way to communicate. Yet there are plenty of marriages where one or both people talk a lot, yet nothing is ever resolved.

Broken Trust

Trust covers many areas in a relationship. Some kinds of trust, like fidelity, are common to most marriages, and provide the structure for the whole relationship. In addition, you may trust your partner to love you, treat you well, keep her word, be a good parent to your children, and many other things, big and small. In a relationship there also may be ways you don’t trust your partner, for example, to be on time. These issues tend to be more annoying and perhaps hurtful than deal-breakers like an affair, but they can still wear away at a marriage.

A divorce often involves broken trust. Most people would agree that the greatest breach of trust comes from infidelity. Even couples who stay together after a spouse cheats suffer from the act of unfaithfulness. After the infidelity, the couple may take a long time to repair their marriage.

For many couples, cheating is a deathblow to the relationship. The trust is shattered, never to return. The betrayed spouse can feel profoundly hurt and bitterly angry. His self-esteem and self-confidence takes a hit. He can grieve the loss of the faithful spouse he thought he had.

When Tara’s husband had a fling with a co-worker while on a business trip, she was devastated and wanted to die. In the beginning, she curled up in a ball and wept for hours. She didn’t eat or sleep for two days. Although her husband was remorseful, he continued to work at his job, interacting with the co-worker every day. Tara was unable to rebuild her trust in him, and ended up leaving the marriage.

Even though a piece of paper says that you’re now single, you may not feel that way, especially if you didn’t want your marriage to end. You may still feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually married. Give yourself permission to grieve as you go through the difficult, and maybe agonizing, process of separating your self from the marriage.

Secondary Losses

The end of a relationship usually involves multiple losses, many of which can feel painful. These losses may be tangible or intangible. Some of these are the loss of …

• Your home.
• Your financial status.
• Living with your children.
• Your normal routine.
• Your relationships with extended family and friends.
• A shared identity.
• Your role as a husband or a wife.
• Companionship.
• A sexual relationship.
• Support.
• The meaning of the experiences you shared.

Struggling with Emotions

The breakup of a marriage can be excruciatingly painful, especially if children are involved. What started out as a bright, shiny marriage is tarnished and dark—a place of sadness and grief. You may feel as if you’re on a rollercoaster of emotions that go up and down and twist around. You wonder if the ride will ever slow down and come to an end.

If you don’t have children, a divorce can be a complete severing of the relationship. From the moment you know the relationship is ending, you can begin to grieve. The problems and grief can linger if you have children because you can’t make a clean break with your spouse. You are forced to put up with him or her for the rest of your lives. You have to find a way to be co-parents, no matter how you feel about the idea. The interactions with your ex can enhance or prolong your grieving.

Shame and Failure

Divorce often brings a crushing feeling of shame. You’ve failed at one of the most fundamental and important human relationships. It’s hard not to feel something’s wrong with you when you can’t make a marriage work. In some religious beliefs, you’re committing a sin by divorcing. You’ve broken the vows you made before God. You may be shamed and ostracized by fellow believers.

Negativity and Bitterness

Some people are dealt cruel blows by their spouse—the very person who was supposed to cherish them. Then during the separation and divorce, the ex continues his or her manipulative, hurtful, or distancing treatment. If this happens, there’s no doubt your spouse caused you profound pain and grief, and it’s easy to focus on everything your ex did to you (and perhaps to your children). The list might be quite long.

While you do need to spend some time processing your feelings about how you were (and continue to be) treated, dwelling on your ex’s wrongdoing for an extended amount of time may cause you to become stuck in negativity, bitterness, and even hate. Some people can remain in that place, never getting through their grief journey, for the rest of their lives. They cause themselves great unhappiness and make the lives of others around them miserable. In fact, their unpleasant attitude drives most others away and can keep them from finding love and happiness again.

Financial issues such as alimony and/or child support are also a major sort of frustration, resentment, and bitterness. It may seem unfair when you have to fight for what you believe you deserve. Or you may feel your ex is trying to take advantage of you, and you have to defend your financial position. You can be angry if your ex never does or buys anything for the children, or isn’t willing to split the cost of extras such as music lessons or sports clubs.

When you can’t have closure from the other person, you have to find it within yourself. Writing about your feelings helps you work through them.

Family Issues

A divorce isn’t just about two people. Families, both immediate and extended, are also caught in the rift and the chaos that may follow. They, too, may grieve. They can also choose sides and can inflame the relationship between the ex-partners.

Grieving for Your Children

When you have children, you know they are impacted by the divorce. You want to do all you can to keep them safe and help them get through it. Because of the divorce, there may be times you grieve for what your children are experiencing. You grieve that:

• They are grieving.
• They now come from a broken home.
• Their co-parent might not be as involved and caring as he or she should.
• You don’t get to see them every day.
• You don’t always see them for holidays or special occasions.
• Finances constrain what you can do with and for them.
• Their parents can’t get along.

The more you help your children cope, the more you ease their grief (and yours). Schedule holidays and special events well in advance so you and your children can prepare for them. Be flexible with your ex when it comes to visitation. For example, if his mother’s birthday falls on your weekend, allow him to take the kids to their grandmother’s celebration. Start new traditions that the children will look forward to and remember. Chapter 19 goes more into helping your children deal with a divorce.

Your Ex’s Family

When you divorce, you can lose a whole part of “your” family—the side that belongs to your spouse. For some people, this isn’t a problem, but others may love their in-laws, brothers- and sisters-in-law, and nieces and nephews. For most families, divorce means giving up much, if not all, of your interaction, with the ex’s family. It might hurt if they take sides (or your ex forces them to take sides) or if they see you as the one to blame for the breakup of the relationship.

Even if you grieve the family relationships as they used to be, as much as possible try to maintain them, if only for the sake of your children. (Hopefully your in-laws care about you, too, and are also grieving the loss.) Invite them to attend birthday parties and holiday get-togethers. Send them pictures of the children, with and without you in them. Mail them cards on their birthdays and anniversaries. Take your mother- or sister-in-law out to lunch. After the initial turmoil and withdrawal due to the breakup, they may connect with you again. Be patient. Sometimes it takes months, or even years, for it to happen.

Monty was divorced and had custody of his son. The boy’s mother had moved to a different part of the country and was estranged from her parents. Monty knew how important it was for his son to stay connected with his ex-wife’s parents. He sent them regular e-mails, updating them on their grandson, including things like pictures and report cards. He allowed them to come see his son and spend the weekend in his house. Every spring break, he drove four hours to the state border and handed his son off to his grandparents, who then drove another four hours to their home. At the end of the week, they reversed the process.

Extended Family Grief

You aren’t the only one who grieves when you get divorced. Your family may also love your spouse. They’ve usually known him or her almost as long as you have. They’ve seen the two of you through major milestones in your life. They had dreams for your future and that of their grandchildren. They may grieve the loss of the grandchildren you didn’t have, but they wanted. In addition to their grief, they worry about you (and about their grandchildren). They want you to cope emotionally and financially.

“One thing I found early on was that I needed to make sure that I spoke to people who listened, but who did not take sides, and who did not overly sympathize. I didn’t need to be made into a victim, and I didn’t want [my ex] made into a bad person. I needed support, but not someone who’d let me wallow in emotions. That was critical for me. Staying in the grief can get to be too comfortable a place. That’s where doing things helped.”

—Marty

Coping with Divorce

The intensity of the pain from the divorce usually happens within the first six months and may last two or more years. Your grief can be complicated by the following:

• How your ex treats you and/or your children
• Separation from your children
• Secondary losses such as lack of financial resources
• Your support system (or lack of one)
• If your ex is moving on and dating or is in a relationship
• If you’ve allowed yourself time to process your emotions

Self-Doubt

Self-doubt is often a part of the grief journey after a divorce especially if you …

• Were married young.
• Were married a long time.
• Were emotionally and/or financially dependent on your spouse.
• Had your self-esteem ripped to shreds by your spouse.
• Never had much self-esteem in the first place.
• Are left to work and raise your kids alone.
• Lose custody of your children (for whatever reason).

Self-doubt can be crippling if you allow it to take over. Keep telling yourself, “I can do this.” Surround yourself with “cheerleaders” who will encourage you. Take classes to enhance your knowledge and skill level. Seek counseling to help you process and heal. Don’t let self-doubt stop your grief journey.

When Your Ex Moves On

Even though you might feel you have recovered from your divorce, when you learn your ex is moving on, you may grieve anew because he or she is dating again, getting remarried, or having a child with a new partner. Your grief may be about nostalgia for what you once had, but now your ex has with someone new. You can still feel connected to him or her, and it hurts to see your ex move on. Or you may not feel connected, but you can feel hurt, angry, or resentful that you don’t also have someone to love. You can worry how the new relationship may affect your children, especially that he or she might take over your role as a parent. You can also feel envious of or sorry for the new partner.

You can’t do much, if anything, about your ex’s behavior. You can only change yourself. Changing yourself—how you feel, think, and react—might have a side effect of causing your ex to change, but don’t have any expectations.

Processing the Pain

A divorce can be just as painful—although in a different way—as a death. However, you may not receive the same support as those who suffer a bereavement. You may feel emotions you’ve never experienced before such as despair, terror, betrayal, or rage. Or your emotions may be more intense than ever before. You can fear you’ll never be happy again.

If you don’t process the pain and learn from your divorce, you can repeat your mistakes. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Write about them as well, especially the ones that feel ugly, dark, mean, or petty. Talk about your feelings with those who support you. You might need to tell your story (and its variations) over and over. That’s part of healing.

After Michelle was divorced from her husband, there were times she lost it—crying jags that seemed to last forever. Her mother and a few other close friends helped her through it. And she also attended counseling. “Talking, talking, talking!” Michelle said. “There really is a lot to be said for venting!”

Moving On

At some point in your recovery, you realize that you need to start moving on with your life. That doesn’t mean you have to get out and date. That might still be too scary at this point. Instead you have to engage in activities that you enjoy, that stimulate you, cause you to grow, and give you new meaning in your life.

Form new friendships. Your new friends won’t know you as half of a “couple.” They’ll know you as who you are now. You don’t have to talk about your divorce if you don’t want to. You might choose to focus on different topics of conversation.

Engage in new activities. There must be something (or many somethings) you’ve always wanted to do, try, see, explore, or learn. Or you might take suggestions from friends and family members. Now’s the time to try one or more different things, until you find the ones you enjoy.

Get in shape. Eating healthy and exercising is good for you. There’s nothing like a fit and trim body to make you feel younger, attractive, and good about yourself. (Plus, there’s the added satisfaction you receive from your ex seeing you look good.)

“I took up belly dancing. It’s very hard to be depressed with belly-dance music going. I also painted the house, and got back to my own roots. A lot of what led to the divorce was that I stopped putting myself first. If you don’t have a self to put into a relationship, you’re not going to be contributing much.”

—35-year-old Dina

After a breakup, one of the most common fears I hear from clients is: “Will someone ever love me again? Will I always be alone?” Often this fear keeps people in relationships far longer than they should stay. When you start dating again, you may feel discouraged by the selection of men or women you meet. Remember, all it takes is one person to fall in love with. He or she is out there, but you might not meet until you’ve done the necessary work to heal and are ready for a healthy relationship.

Essential Takeaways