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by MS. Debra Holland
The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Introduction
Part 1: Loss and Grief
1 The State of Grief
What Is Grief?
A Universal Experience
Not Just Sadness and Disappointment
Grief Is Different for Everybody
Misconceptions About Grief
It Will Pass
Everyone Sympathizes
Distraction Helps
Don’t Think About Sad Things
It Could Always Be Worse
2 Loss
The Relationship Between Grieving and Loss
Types of Loss
People and Relationships
Loss as Positive Change
Anticipatory Loss
Impact of Multiple Losses
Loss and Regrets
Type One
Type Two
Type Three
Secondary Losses
Financial Loss
Loss of Ideals and Values
Ongoing Loss
Bouncing Back
3 How People React to Grief
Grief Reactions
Physical Effects
Emotional Effects
Mental Effects
Behavioral Effects
Spiritual Effects
Moving Forward
4 Grief and Trauma
What Is Trauma?
Traumatic Events
War and Disaster
Primitive Responses to Fear
Thoughts, Emotions, and Trauma
Personality and Trauma
Reactions to Trauma
Physical Reactions
Mental Reactions
Emotional Reactions
Delayed Reactions
The Double Whammy of Trauma and Grief
Coping with Grief-Related Trauma
Part 2: Bereavement
5 Perspectives About Death
The Historical Perspective
Before the Mid-Twentieth Century
Modern Medicine Changes the Statistics
American Cultural View of Death
Attitudes Toward Death
Extending Life to Cheat Death
Concept of Fairness in Death
The Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Model
The Five Stages
Limitations of the Stages Model
Reactions to Circumstances of Death
Sudden Versus Lingering Death
Accidental Versus Natural
Suicide
Violence
Death from Active Duty
6 The Grief Journey
Each Journey Is Different
Feelings Associated with Bereavement
Guilt
Sadness
Loneliness
Despair
Envy
Frustration
Resentment/Bitterness/Hatred
Shame/False Pride
Fear
Hopelessness
Detachment/Numbness
Feeling Depressed
A Day-by-Day Journey
Holidays and Other Speed Bumps
Unexpected Surges of Grief
7 Death of Parents
Death of Parent(s) When You’re a Child
Death of a Parent When You’re a Young Adult
Death of a Parent When You’re Older
Guilt
Issues with Siblings
Grieving Difficult Parents
One Parent Remains
Losing Beloved In-Laws
Losing the Second Parent
Wrapping Things Up
Coping with Your Parent’s Death
8 Death of a Spouse
’Til Death Do Us Part
Yearning
In Mourning
Loneliness
Caregiving for a Dying Spouse
Young Widow or Widower
Losing Your Longtime Spouse
Living Without Your Spouse
Struggling to Adjust at Home
Learning Your Partner’s Tasks
Difficult Choices
Financial Decisions
Personal Possessions
Moving
Helping Your Children Cope
Coping with Your Spouse’s Death
9 Death of a Child
The Sharpest Pain
Wanting to Die
Guilt
Vulnerability
Reactions of Others
Shock and Survivor Guilt
Withdrawal
The Loss of Children at Different Life Stages
Miscarriage
Death of a Child, 0–12
Death of an Adolescent
Death of an Adult Child
Effects on the Family Unit
Marital Problems
Sibling Grief
Extended Family Members
Coping by Helping Other Parents
Life Goes On Without Your Child
10 Death of Extended Family and Friends
Grandparents
Siblings
Squabbles and Best Friends
Facing Your Own Mortality Issues
Aunts and Uncles
Loving Parental Figures
Parental Mortality Issues
Cousins, Nieces, and Nephews
Death of a Friend
When You’re Not Close
Coping with the Death of Loved Ones
Death of a Pet
Companionship and Unconditional Love
When Pets Die
Coping with the Loss of Your Pet
11 Death in the Workplace
A Work “Family”
Disbelief
Employees Helping Each Other
Management Escalates or Eases Tensions
Reminders All Around
Memory Slaps
Circumstances Contributing to Grief
Reactions at Work
Repressed Feelings
Lack of Focus and Concentration
The Job Must Go On
Management’s Responsibility
Coping with a Co-Worker’s Death
12 Death at School
Death Visits the School
Death of a Teacher or Coach
Affected Faculty, Staff, and Parents
Death of a Classmate
The Impact on the School Community
Circumstances Impacting the Death
Reactions of Grieving Students
Suicide of a Student
Bullycide
Handling the Suicide
Helping Students Cope
Handling the News
Learning and Sharing
Students at Risk
Aids to Recovery
13 How to Support the Bereaved
Negative Messages
“Be Strong”
“Get Over It”
Funeral Behavior
Attending the Funeral
What Not to Say at a Funeral
Do’s and Don’ts for the Funeral and Reception
Helping the Mourner
Right After the Death
In the Weeks, Months, and Years Following
Specific Ways to Help
Listening, Not Talking
Lending a Helping Hand
Avoid Giving “Should” Advice
Helping Others Help You
Part 3: Loss in Other Life Circumstances
14 Painful Partings
The Loss of a Friendship
Gradual Change Versus Sudden Endings
It’s Over, But They’re Not Really Gone
Are You the Problem?
Grieving the Loss of Groups of Friends
Loss at Different Life Stages
Coping with the Loss of a Friend
The Loss of a Romantic Relationship
Slow Death of the Relationship
Sudden Breakup
How to Move On
Disenfranchised Grief
Guilt and Blame
15 Death of a Marriage
Separation and Divorce
Breakdown of Communication
Broken Trust
Secondary Losses
Struggling with Emotions
Shame and Failure
Negativity and Bitterness
Family Issues
Grieving for Your Children
Your Ex’s Family
Extended Family Grief
Coping with Divorce
Self-Doubt
When Your Ex Moves On
Processing the Pain
Moving On
16 Transitions and Grief
Job Loss
Your Job, Your Identity
A Sense of Shame
Secondary Losses
Family Problems
Financial Concerns
Coping with Job Loss
Loss of a Home
What a Home Means
Selling the Family/Childhood Home
Coping with the Loss of Your Home
Foreclosure
Disaster
17 Grief Due to Physical Life Changes
The Aging Journey
Lack of Support
Coping with Aging
Chronic Conditions
Common Emotional Reactions
Secondary Losses from Chronic Conditions
Affected Relationships
Caregiving
Parental Grief
Finding Acceptance
Part 4: Recovery
18 Help from Others
Grief Counseling
Bereavement Groups
Internet Support Groups
Pastoral Grief Counseling
Psychotherapy
Picking a Good Counselor
Healing Experience
The Support of Friends
19 Children and Grief
Grief at Different Developmental Stages
Telling the Truth
Younger Children
Tweens
Teens
Children and Bereavement
Younger Children
Older Children
Attending the Funeral
What Others Can Do
Helping Kids Cope with Divorce
20 Self-Care
Caring for Your Body and Soul
Eat Well and Exercise
Limit Stress
Laugh
Being of Service to Others
Healing Tools
Find Comforting Rituals
Journaling
Reading
Embrace Spirituality
Organized Religion
Other Perspectives
Forgiveness
Signs of Hope
21 Healing and Moving On
The Power of Gratitude
Brain Changes
Mood Changes
Integrated Healing
Mentally
Emotionally
Socially
Moving On Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
Finding Meaning in Loss
Peace and Acceptance
Appendixes
Resources
Index
About the Author
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