This is a book about grieving, and for the most part it’s about the death of someone you care about. But it also covers losses in other areas that still have an emotional impact, such as the loss of a marriage or a job.
If you’ve picked up this book, it’s because you have experienced (or are experiencing) grief, or a person you care about is struggling with the loss of someone or something he or she holds dear. First of all, I want to reassure anyone who is mourning: you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. The kaleidoscope of feelings you’re experiencing is normal.
Because grief is often an unknown reaction, it catches us off guard. It’s similar to feelings that we’ve felt before, such as disappointment or sadness, yet it can be accompanied by even more emotions and reactions. Grief is also different in diverse circumstances. One of the benefits of educating yourself about grief is that sense of relief that comes from knowing what is normal. Being able to identify what you’re feeling and why you feel the way you do helps put your feelings into perspective. They aren’t any less intense, just more understandable.
You can begin your grief recovery right away. That doesn’t mean it won’t be a long and painful journey. For some, it will be. However, your journey starts with the belief that you’ll recover, even though right now you may fear you never will. It might feel as if you’ll be bogged down in grief forever.
The goal of this book is to help you understand grief, so you can find strength during your grief journey, cope, and eventually recover. You’ll adjust to the changes within yourself and the changes in your life.
I have been a marriage and family therapist for 25 years, and a corporate grief counselor for 10. In that time, I’m heard thousands of people share their grief with me. I’ve heard stories that have brought me to tears, and ones that lifted my spirits. I’ve been privileged to help so many. They’ve taught me so much.
The grief journey isn’t easy. For the majority of people, it’s probably the most difficult time of their lives. But it’s not one we can escape. Sooner or later we will lose people, circumstances, and things we love. Those losses will throw us out of balance as we struggle to find our way through the pain and other reactions we feel.
The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving is a basic overview of grief, intended to familiarize you with the mourning process so you can understand what you are going through and better cope with the rollercoaster of emotions you’re experiencing. It’s also helpful for the people around those grieving to better learn how to support them. In addition, this book will provide other resources to enable you to delve deeper into the educational and recovery process.
The book is divided into four parts:
Part 1, Loss and Grief, offers an overview of grief, grieving, and loss. You’ll learn the reactions you may have when you’re grieving, and the challenges you may expect on your journey. You’ll learn what you’re feeling is normal—perhaps painful and horrible, but normal.
Part 2, Bereavement, is about death—mostly of people you love—and bereavement. But you can also grieve the loss of co-workers, classmates, friends, neighbors, celebrities, and pets. You’ll learn how to (and how not to) support the bereaved.
Part 3, Loss in Other Life Circumstances, is about relationships, but not just romantic ones, such as marriage. This part also covers the failed relationship with your work that leads to job loss, and the relationship with your body as it changes due to aging and illness. It also discusses the loss of your home, another powerful relationship loss.
Part 4, Recovery, is more than self-care, although that’s included here. It’s also about what you can do to support yourself in your grief. These chapters can set you on the path to recovery, help you open your heart again—to love and be loved—and give you the courage to take on new life challenges.
Book Extras
Throughout the book, you’ll see additional pieces of information in sidebars. Here’s what to look for:
These tips give you advice for coping with grief or helping other people cope with grief.
Check these sidebars for definitions of words or phrases that may be unfamiliar to you.
These quotes will help you understand and relate to others who are grieving.
You’ll also see a fifth, name-changing sidebar that presents interesting facts, case histories, or other extended background information you should know.
A Last Word Before We Begin …
My wish is that this book gives you hope that you’ll eventually recover from your grief. You’ll be forever changed by the grief journey. The information here will help sustain you through your grieving experience and guide you to recovery. Your life will be different, but perhaps even better in some (or many) ways. You can feel joy again.
Acknowledgments
It sometimes takes a community to write a book, and I’m blessed to have a lot of people to acknowledge:
My acquisitions editor, Paul Dinas, who with patience and humor guided me through this process. My development editor, Lynn Northrup; production editor, Kayla Dugger; and copy editor, Jan Zoya.
My agent, Jessica Faust.
My boyfriend, Don Napolitano, who’s cheerfully allowed me to retreat to my office and work, instead of spending time with him. Thanks for all the support, the wonderful dinners, and cleaning up the kitchen afterward.
My wonderful family, immediate and extended, has always supported me. I’m more grateful than I can express to have them in my life. Special thanks to my uncles, Peter Junger and Larry Codner, who’ve rescued me from computer issues many times over the years. Thanks also to my beloved grandparents, and my father, Robert Holland, who taught me about bereavement.
I’ve had so many friends support me in writing this book. I can’t mention you all, but you know who you are.
To Louella Nelson, writing teacher extraordinaire, who taught me how to write fiction, and thus (hopefully) made this nonfiction book a better read.
To the writing community of RWA, especially the women (and a few men) of the Fantasy, Futuristic and Paranormal chapter. Whenever I had a question, someone on the FF&P online loop had an answer or something to contribute. Thanks SO much.
To my critique partner, R. J. Sullivan. Bob, thanks for setting aside your own work to critique my chapters. I appreciate all the help you’ve given me over the years. You’re definitely the Comma King!
Some other friends have read some chapters and given me feedback. Joe Maizlish; Bart Palamaro; Ottilia Scherscel; Heidi Telpner, R.N.; Charity Gallardo; Linda Leszczuk; Kelly Whitely; Delle Jacobs, LCSW; Charlotte Maclay; and Mary Ellen Bowman, I’m so grateful for your help.
To friends who contributed some ideas, Pastor Bob Mooney; Shannon Holland, LCSW; Raphael Gunner, Ph.D.; and Terry Jordan, LCSW, thanks so much.
My church, Messiah Lutheran of Yorba Linda, including Pastor Bob Mooney and Pastor Ron Baesler.
Adventure boot camp and my fitness instructor, Suzanne Stringfellow, and all my friends in class, especially Wendy Swarts, kept me sane and in shape throughout the intense process of writing this book. Thanks, ladies.
Thanks to Shihan Brad Wenneberg and my fellow blackbelts at American Martial Arts Academy for teaching me how to get through intense experiences. I thank Mike Oats and Steve Hoppel, for taking over my morning karate class so I could write. Now it’s back to training for third-degree blackbelt!
To two special women, Jonna Lannert and Kathleen Givens. You left too soon, and I miss you.
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