chapter 2

Loss

Part of being human is our capacity to love and to bond with people, things, and places. In addition, these connections provide us with identity, ideals, meaning, purpose, goals, dreams, roles, and a sense of security. Some connections can be deep and powerful. When we lose them, we experience grief.

The Relationship Between Grieving and Loss

There are losses that disappoint us; make us sad, angry, ashamed, or resentful; and those where we simply shrug our shoulders and move on. Some losses motivate us to increase our efforts to overcome our problems. Then there are those losses, the most painful of all, which we grieve over. What differentiates grief from other reactions is the love and meaning we’ve given to the person, place, or thing we’ve lost. The more we love or need someone or something, and the more he, she, or it means to us, the more likely we are to grieve, and the longer and more intense our grieving experience.

Types of Loss

A loss can be a cataclysmic event such as the sudden death of your child or a tornado that wipes out your community, or as seemingly insignificant as breaking a sentimental heirloom. Many people can make a list of the losses, large and small, they’ve accumulated over their lifetime. Some people have lives laden with loss. Others lead apparently charmed lives, with little impacting them. Most people fall somewhere in between. The longer you live, the more losses you’ll experience.

Some people are more impacted by the losses in their lives. For them, it’s not just the losses they experience, but also the way they experience those losses. In other words, it’s not just what you’re handed, it’s what you make of it. Some people focus in a determined way on loss and negativity. Others are more balanced or optimistic.

Most people have busy, full lives. There’s no space for a crisis or a loss to drop on you with all the attendant tasks that fall on your shoulders, as well as the complex grief reactions you experience. People may be surprised and dismayed to find an important loss can cause emotions that are more intense than any they have felt before. Your new must-do list and the depths of your emotions often leave you overwhelmed as well as grieving. Some losses might involve more busyness than others. While you’re dealing with them, you may want or need to put some (if not all) of the rest of your life on hold. You’ll have to take care of the urgent tasks before you can process your loss.

People and Relationships

The loss of people we care about accumulates over our life span. For most of us, the greatest losses in our lives are the loss of close family members, the people we love deeply—children, spouses, parents, grandparents, and siblings. However, we can grieve the death of close friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, co-workers, and pets. We can also become emotionally involved with public figures, even though we don’t personally know them, such as professional athletes, movie stars, politicians, or singers and musicians, and grieve their deaths.

Beginning with the teen years, we can (sometimes often) experience the loss of love interests. Most people can still remember the pain they felt after the breakup of their first love or the pain of an unrequited crush. Although some people are married to their high school sweethearts, most people experience serial relationships, have their heart broken one or more times, and have to grieve the loss of multiple relationships. Aside from the death of loved ones, divorce is one of the most painful life experiences. Those who go through a divorce may grieve the loss of hopes and dreams and the good parts of their marriage for a long time.

Loss as Positive Change

Not all losses are bad. Some involve life transitions that put closure to something we’ve accomplished, or end a certain period in our lives. They may also move us to a different place. While we might be happy about the change, we can still grieve how our life was before. For example, you find a new job. Obviously, that means better pay, benefits, or opportunities than the job you currently have. Yet you might miss valued co-workers, work you’d taken satisfaction in, tasks and goals you’ve accomplished, a familiar routine, and other things you value about your current job. You know at the new job you’ll have a learning curve and new challenges, but it won’t be the same. Even though you’re excited, you may grieve for what and whom you leave behind.

Here are some other examples:

• Sending a child off to college and missing him—grieving that your “baby” has grown up and left you
• A young adult in her first semester of college who is homesick and grieving friends and former life
• Buying a new home and leaving behind friends in the old neighborhood, favorite haunts and activities, an organization you belong to, or the familiarity of your surroundings
• Grieving the single life and independence you’re giving up when you get married
• Having your first baby, and grieving the loss of freedom and peaceful nights
• Landing a job after being unemployed for a while, and missing the time you spent with your family and the projects around the house you worked on that you must now put aside

J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, struggled with grief after she’d finished writing the last book in the series. At first she felt ecstatic about the accomplishment, but then the grief hit her. She described the feeling as “a bereavement,” and said it was “huge.” Even though she had known the series was going to end, she’d lived with the characters for 17 years. And they were more than characters to her—they provided an escape from some of the difficult challenges she’d had in her life. When the grief hit her, she wept uncontrollably. The only time she’d ever cried like that had been when her mother had died.

It’s important to take the time to acknowledge and process your grief. Often, people think they shouldn’t feel sad or mourn because the next stage in their life is supposed to be (and actually is) a good thing. You can feel positive about your future and still grieve your past. By allowing yourself to process your emotions, you’re able to work through them more quickly. Then you’ll feel ready to take on the challenge of your new opportunity and appreciate and enjoy your changed circumstances.

Disenfranchised grief occurs when the person incurs a loss that he or she thinks is shameful (or thinks his or her emotions are shameful), and therefore feels it can’t be talked about, openly mourned, or acknowledged by others. Some examples are AIDS death, rape, testicular or prostate cancer, suicide, and losses due to gambling debts or drug addictions. The inability to openly grieve increases the impact of the loss.

Anticipatory Loss

Sometimes, when we know a certain loss is in our future, we can grieve before that event actually happens. For example, a loved one is dying of cancer, our company has announced terminations that will take place in 90 days, or our house is in foreclosure. Anticipatory loss involves foreknowledge that you, your circumstances, or someone you care about will change in a way that you’ll find painful.

Sometimes the stress before the event is so intense that when the actual loss occurs, we can feel relief. For example, when a loved one is slowly dying, we endure the heart-wrenching experience with him. By the time the individual passes away, we are relieved he is released from suffering. It’s not that we aren’t sad, or wish our loved one could be back with us, hale and hearty; we’re just relieved he is finally free from pain and suffering.

With bereavement, family members can become more connected with the dying loved one. They have the opportunity to make amends for past wrongs; share memories, stories, and love; and make the physical, mental, and spiritual preparations for the death. Even though they know the death is coming, their grief is still as strong (or stronger) when the loved one passes. However, they may have few regrets because they handled everything beforehand.

Often the anticipation of the loss, and what you and others are going through, can take a toll on family members. When someone is dying, for example, sometimes loved ones withdraw from him or her as a way to avoid seeing someone suffering. Or they become angry or irritable so as to keep their fear and sadness at bay. They may bicker with each other, or even become estranged.

John’s family had a hard time watching the big man wither away from cancer. The constant pain, frequent nausea, and exhaustion wore away at him and them. Most of his family rallied around him, spending a lot of time at his house. But one of his daughters couldn’t take the stress. She’d burst into tears as soon as she saw her father, and started avoiding family gatherings. This caused some upset feelings on the part of the rest of the family, which lingered after John’s death.

The relief you feel after the death may last for months. It’s not until we’ve gotten over the trauma of watching our loved one die that grief might appear. This might take several months, or even a year. (Chapter 4 goes into more detail about trauma.) Sometimes the anniversary of the death will jump-start the stalled grieving process.

Impact of Multiple Losses

Emotions from loss can accumulate, and with each one, the grief can build because the pain from the past contributes to your current feelings. It’s as though each major loss layers on top of the last one. This can cause people to feel like the recent loss reopens the old wounds. This is especially true with bereavement. People coping with multiple losses may say things like:

• “I’d just gotten over (previous death) and now it’s all come up again.”
• “I’m dealing with the death of my (relationship) and now I have to feel this (new loss), too. It’s too much.”
• “My mom died 13 years ago, and the loss of my friend has brought it all up again.”

Multiple losses can also make people feel as if life has given them too many blows, and they’re not sure if they can pick themselves up and go on. They’re tempted to give up, and perhaps actually do so (at least for a while). Other people may be more determined and keep forging on in the face of difficulties.

“I lost many of my friends after my daughter died. They thought I should be getting over her death.”

—Catherine, whose 14-year-old daughter died suddenly

Loss and Regrets

The grieving process often involves regrets. If you’ve lost someone or something, you think back, seeing your mistakes (or what you now judge to be mistakes). You wish you could turn back time, make changes. I usually see three types of regrets.

Type One

The first kind of regret focuses on prevention of the loss and usually begins with the words, “If only …” and regards actions you wish you’d taken (or not taken):

• “If only I’d dragged my husband to the doctor, he might still be alive.”
• “If only I hadn’t fallen asleep at the wheel, I wouldn’t have gotten into an accident and wrecked my car.”
• “If only I’d locked all the windows, my house wouldn’t have been broken into.”
• “If only I’d kept my teenager at home that night instead of allowing her to drive to that party.”
• “If only I’d worked harder at my job. My company might not have laid me off.”

Type Two

The second type also starts with “If only …” and involves actions you wish the victim had taken (or not taken):

• “If only my husband hadn’t stepped on the ice, he wouldn’t have slipped and frozen to death.”
• “If only my wife had worn a seatbelt, she wouldn’t have had the car accident that crippled her.”
• “If only my friend had eaten healthy, instead of subsisting on junk food, he might not have had that heart attack.”
• “If only my son hadn’t left the door unlocked, we wouldn’t have been robbed.”
• “If only the sitter hadn’t taken her eyes off my little girl, she wouldn’t have drowned in the pool.”

Type Three

The third type of regret involves wanting to change something about yourself or what you did or didn’t do in the past. You may wish you’d been a better person in some way. Or you can feel bad about something you left unsaid or undone. Conversely, you may regret some thing(s) you did say or do. People with this type of regret say things like:

• “I wish I had spent more time with my children when they were little instead of working so much. I didn’t realize how fast they’d grow up, and that I’d be left with an empty house.”
• “I should have told my wife more often that I loved her. I thought we’d have forever.”
• “I used to complain about my son—how messy he was, how inconsiderate, how I had to force him to do his homework. If I had him back, I’d never complain again.”
• “I never thought I’d get divorced. I took my husband for granted. I loved him too little, scolded, nagged, and complained too much.”

As life goes on without a loved one’s presence due to death, dementia, divorce, or abandonment, you can regret that a loved one is not present to witness your accomplishments or those of your family members. While most of the time you might feel fine, you can especially miss them when a special event or achievement happens.

While it’s normal to have regrets, especially in the beginning of the grieving process, it’s important not to dwell on them. The more you feel regretful, the more you can sink into self-loathing, depression, or bitterness. If you cling to your regrets, you can also become stuck in your grieving. Talk to friends, family, a grief counselor, or a psychotherapist about how you feel. Often others are able to put things into perspective for you.

Secondary Losses

When grieving a death or another type of loss, we must cope with the primary loss as well as secondary losses that accompany it. A secondary loss occurs because of the primary one. Any secondary losses probably wouldn’t have happened if the primary event hadn’t transpired. For example, you’re laid off from your job (primary loss), run out of savings (secondary loss), and the bank forecloses on your house (secondary loss).

Here are other examples of secondary loss:

• Relationships with friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers
• Our role in our family, community, job, or organization
• Our financial, social, or job status
• Income and/or financial security
• How we define ourselves
• A feeling of safety
• Our sense of control over our lives

Sometimes you might be aware of the secondary losses at the same time as the primary one. You may have to grieve all of them at once. Other times, you only gradually become aware of the secondary losses. Therefore, the time of grieving may be further impacted and extended.

You might also grieve the secondary loss. For example, your parents die, and you have to sell your childhood home. Or your secondary loss might not be about grief, but other things that may have an effect on your grieving. For example, if you wreck your car, you might have to deal with the physical effects, such as soft tissue damage and the resulting neck and headaches. You grieve the loss of the car, and also your sense of security. It’s also possible you might not be aware of any grief for the secondary loss. Either it’s too nebulous, or it’s swallowed up or overshadowed by the primary problem.

Financial Loss

For many people, an important crisis or loss also brings a financial burden, like medical or other bills, or a decreased income. Sometimes you have time to plan for the financial problem. For example, you have a 90-day notice of a layoff. Other times, events unexpectedly drop on you—you were laid off and escorted out the door of the company. Having to worry about money when you’re struggling with difficult emotions adds stress to your grieving process. Or financial stress might interfere with it altogether as you fight for a way to survive. Lack of money can also limit the choices you have for coping.

Six months after Angela’s mother died, all she was doing was struggling—with grief over the loss of her mother, to pay bills she’d never had before, and to keep her father from giving up on life. In the midst of all this, she realized she’d have to sell the only home she’d ever known. It was the only way the family could pay off her mother’s hospital bills.

Also, the loss may not be just about the money. Often it’s about a feeling of security and peace of mind. Now people have to deal with reduced income, and feelings of fear, anger, and betrayal in addition to their grief. In turn, financial problems can cause or exacerbate other situations or problems. For example, a couple can start arguing over money, thus stressing their relationship at the very time they need to team together.

Loss of Ideals and Values

Losses aren’t always about people or possessions. It’s not uncommon to grieve for intangibles. Sometimes these can be primary losses, like when you have to give up a dream you’ve worked hard for. However, it’s more likely that they are secondary losses. When someone you love dies, or you lose a job or a home, or your good health deteriorates, you can also lose the meaning those people, experiences, or things brought to your life, as well as your sense of purpose.

“How can I be a father if my child is dead?”

—Dan, about the death of his only daughter

Some other examples of intangible grief are the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations; a role or identity; innocence; a time and place; concepts and beliefs; and trust.

While writing this chapter, I took a break for lunch, preparing leftover soup and biscuits. I sprinkled the biscuits with water—a trick of my grandfather’s (who died when I was 9) to bring back their freshness. Suddenly I was stabbed by sadness, remembering the Sunday breakfasts my grandfather would cook. He’d make a special trip to the bakery to buy our favorite rolls. I could visualize their shape, the crisp outside, and soft middle. Tears came to my eyes, and I mourned, not just the loss of my beloved Opa, but of that time—surrounded by the love of my grandparents and other family members—as we ate a meal together.

Because these losses are more abstract rather than tangible, it’s easy to suppress or ignore them. Or perhaps you might not even realize you’re grieving one or more. This lack of awareness can cause a vague feeling of unrest or dissatisfaction. You may make impulsive or unwise decisions in order to escape the feelings. Stopping to pin down and process your grief will enable you to access your life with “clear eyes” and make healthier choices.

Ongoing Loss

Some losses are ongoing. Instead of an event, like a death or loss of your job, this type of loss lingers. Your grief can feel unending because you are living with the continuous loss. You cannot forget because the reminders are all around you.

Here are some examples:

• Living with a debilitating illness, loss of limb, or brain injury
• Living in a house partially destroyed by a fire, earthquake, flood, or tornado and having no money to fix it or move to another one
• Losing a community due to war or natural disaster and living as a refugee
• Losing a job and being unable to find a new one
• Losing a home and becoming homeless

These kinds of losses also cause ongoing stress that can cause mental, emotional, and physical problems. In these instances, you usually have multiple losses because, in addition to the ongoing loss, you have several (or many) secondary losses. You might be so busy struggling to survive (and taking care of your family) that your grief is suppressed.

Bouncing Back

A loss doesn’t always have to remain negative. A serious loss can force a person to grow. It can also cause people to acquire knowledge and skills they didn’t have before. Sometimes a loss propels people into a different situation that they wouldn’t have chosen on their own. For example, a job loss may cause someone to start his or her own business.

Steve Jobs, co-founder and Chief Executive of Apple, Inc., is an excellent example of this. Right after his 30th birthday, in 1985, Steve had a falling out with the Apple board and ended up being fired from the company he co-founded. He was devastated and felt like a public failure. After a few months of not knowing what to do, he created a new company, NeXT, Inc. He also developed Pixar Animation Studios. NeXT was later bought out by Apple, bringing him back into the Apple fold. What Steve learned at Pixar, he was able to apply at Apple, leading to the successful creation of the iPod, iPhone, and iPad. Without the detour forced on him by the termination, Apple would not be the successful company it is today.

In real life, people overcome many things. The human spirit is remarkably resilient and has a tremendous capacity for healing. People can recover from the most debilitating situations. We have the ability to develop and draw on inner strengths such as personal commitment, persistence, courage, a positive attitude, love, and understanding. As painful and difficult as life changes are, they can also lead to increased personal strength, lessons learned, and a recovery that’s different, and perhaps even better in some ways, than our existence before the loss.

Essential Takeaways