Johann didn't need too much emotional intelligence to spot that all wasn't well with Debra as the normally very well-presented 30-something year old burst into the room, hair akimbo and obviously flustered, her jacket collar askew and three minutes late.

“I'm so sorry I'm late,” she panted. She sat down and fumbled with her bag, finding and turning off her phone, before patting down her hair and fixing her collar.

Johann waited until she was settled. “All OK?” he enquired.

“No, no it isn't. I've had it up to here.” Debra indicated a level far above the top of her head.

“What happened?”

“I just can't keep having the same conversation, again and again.” The colour rising in Debra's cheeks grew more apparent as she spoke. “Ali just gave me a really hard time because I wasn't at the last weekly meeting. I tried to explain that I needed to be at a very important client meeting with Viren but she wasn't having it. I mean, what am I expected to do? Tell my boss ‘no?’ I can just imagine Viren's face!”

Johann grinned. “Sorry,” he said immediately. “I wasn't laughing at you. I was just thinking about the matrix and how this is such a typical example of the difficulties. Let me step out of ‘mentoring mode’ and make a guess? You have two different people you have to do things for – two ‘bosses’ in effect, who both tell you everything is ‘high priority’ and expect you to be completely up to date on, and totally devoted to, their latest thing without considering the impact on you and your ability to get things done, not to mention your ‘work/life balance’.” He made the hand gesture signifying air quotes as he finished the sentence.

“Amazing,” Debra murmured with what could have been a soupcon of sarcasm. Or perhaps she was merely annoyed by Johann's apparent delight in, or at least lack of concern about, her predicament.

“And, for my next trick,” Johann bowed his head slightly, “I'm going to further guess, based on what we discussed last time, that you haven't said anything to either of them but have silently fumed, thinking ‘they should know this’ and ‘I'll do better at this when I'm charge?’”

Debra nodded. She did recognize herself, reluctantly, in Johann's description.

“Remember, not speaking up means that nothing changes. You're missing a great opportunity to help yourself and your colleagues at the same time. As well as demonstrate your leadership ability by fixing, or at least trying to fix, a problem even when you don't have any authority. By not speaking up you fall into the same habit of not having the difficult conversations, of ignoring things that annoy you about your bosses.”

Debra didn't respond. She was thinking. After a few seconds silence, Johann asked: “So, Crucial Conversations then, what did you think?”

“I enjoyed it,” she said. “I hadn't thought about a lot of the things in there and there were some great tools. Especially for having what you call difficult conversations. And I accept the need for them. The thing is …”

She stopped, unsure whether Johann wanted to hear her concerns. “Yes?” He prompted her.

“Well, it's not exactly brain surgery. I mean, the things they suggest aren't difficult. It seems like there should be more to it?”

Johann smiled. “Yes, I know what you mean. It's not difficult but it is hard. The way I think about it – it's like giving up smoking or not eating chocolate – it's not actually that difficult to do, mechanically at least. Just don't light up or open the bar! But it is hard because the behaviours are ingrained. They're tied to emotions. The only way to do it well is to practise. Practise breeds habits, and habits become unconscious behaviours. In that way you always have those tools at your disposal. But that takes time and the only way to get there is with practise – so to begin with let's start with planning your conversations with your tardy colleague and two ‘bosses’.”

Debra sat forward and pulled her notes together. “One other thought,” said Johann, “reducing your stress now might just help you in the future in a way that you hadn't considered.”

Debra raised her eyebrows.

“According to the very latest research – in primates, OK, but there are reasons to think the results will be similar in humans – it seems that chronic stress over time depletes serotonin levels (serotonin of course affects moods or emotions) and so leads to more spiteful decisions. Maybe by speaking up and taking control of our destiny we reduce our stress. Basically, we stop ourselves from becoming the people we don't rate.”

Debra smiled and continued, with Johann, to plan her conversation with her colleague. They worked through what Debra really wanted to achieve and practised separating the facts from the conclusions she was drawing. Debra scripted her opening remarks and then role-played with Johann. They even used video so that Debra was confident in how she came across. Johann reacted in a number of different ways so that, whatever happened, she wouldn't be taken off guard.

Before moving on to plan her discussions with the two bosses, they also agreed when and where Debra was going to approach Yulia so that Debra had a SMART action to take away. The preparation of the second and third conversations went much faster as Debra had begun to internalize the concepts and come to grips with their execution.

When they had finished, Debra sat back. “OK,” she said. “You've got me. I can see how – this exercise makes it obvious – being aware of my own emotions and those of others is important in having difficult conversations. But how else can emotional intelligence help in business? This all still seems a bit ‘wishy-washy’ – it's all very well in academia, but I want to get promoted.”

Johann debated internally. Should he tell her how high the stakes were for him too? How he had staked his reputation and the life of the mentoring programme on this very assertion? He decided against it – there may be issues of confidentiality and, in any case, why put more pressure on Debra?

“Let's look back at the definition, before I give you some examples,” he suggested. The two definitions, one from Salovey and Mayer and the other, his own, were still on the whiteboard.

“There's going to be some overlap because, obviously, you can't use emotions without understanding and noticing them and noticing emotions is not an effective end in itself. Imagine you were going into a negotiation or, to put it another way, a conflict resolution. And remember, managing conflict is pretty much most of the job after a certain level. You'd want to be aware of any behaviour that suggests emotions on the part of the other side and you'd certainly like to be aware of the impact your own, inevitable and biologically based emotions, are having on your own behaviour.

“For example, some studies show that when we are in a good mood our decision-making changes because we are more optimistic – we think we are healthier than we are, that the economy is improving and that Paris is a better example of a city than Calcutta. Remember, this happens to us all. But if we are very emotionally intelligent, we can be aware of it and can adjust for it or use it. I'd certainly want to be aware if I was being overly optimistic in rating the likelihood of a project succeeding just because I'd slept well, it was sunny and my kids had aced a test!

“It's not about making you more or less clever, in the usual sense. Rather it's about adopting a set of behaviours that allow you to notice, understand, and use or manage emotions.” Johann took a breath.

“Can you give me another example of ‘understanding emotions?’” Debra asked.

“OK, in that same negotiation you might also use your understanding to decide to use a tool like matching their body language, subtly, to manage emotions – yours and theirs – and to help build rapport that way and so be in a better position to build trust.

“It's about knowing how and why emotions occur, and knowing that this may be different across cultures and other potential ‘dividers,’ like generation or sex or race.

“For instance, emotionally intelligent individuals know that employees can become anxious when there is a potential threat, such as the possibility of further lay-offs because a recent round has just taken place. So what? Any normally functioning human being can work that out. But they also know that the fact that one of these lay-offs was a one-off and happened in a small company in Tokyo to a 43-year-old man, and the other was part of a restructuring after a merger of two multinationals means that the emotions in all the people involved are different. The messages they need to hear, how they will hear them, and the likely behaviours they will exhibit are different. They may not get the details right because they may not have culturally specific knowledge, but they will at least know what questions to ask.”

“The messages they need to hear? You're assuming people will even listen. Most people are just listening for proof that they're right.” Debra interjected.

“See how emotionally intelligent you are!” Johann teased. “You're right of course. Many corporate messages are listened to with something on the scale from indifference to contempt. And I think EI can help here too.

“People have been burned in the past by messages that went beyond not noticing potential and entirely predictable emotions to almost actively trying to annoy people. Think of all those people who get fired by SMS or are told that a redundancy is an ‘opportunity to start the rest of their career’. It may be true, but it's not exactly sensitive and it's not likely to win friends with the people who now don't have a pay-cheque.

“Would it be so hard to say, as is patently the case, ‘This sucks. I'm sorry’ and, if you mean it, ‘let me know what I can do to help?’. And wouldn't you be more likely to be believed now and in the future if you did behave like that?

“That's why the whole ‘authentic’ leadership is talked about so much. It's exhausting pretending to be someone you're not and, in any case, it doesn't last. No-one can keep it up indefinitely – especially under stress. Emotional intelligence is fundamental to authentic leadership.”

“OK,” Debra sensed they might be going off track. “What about using and managing emotions? Can you explain more about that?”

“I might decide to allow a negative emotion to stand, for example if my son is ashamed because he was caught cheating at a school test. I may be happy (another emotion!) to let him feel that because it will help reinforce the behaviour I don't want, that is cheating.

“Or, and this happened just the other day, I might use other information (maybe just past experience) to predict an emotion and then help another person to recognize it and manage it.” Before he continued, Johann paused to consider what elements he could share and still retain confidentiality.

“One of my team did a psychometric evaluation the other day which they shared with me,” he said.

Debra was amazed. She couldn't imagine sharing something so intimate with her boss or colleagues unless she was forced to.

“This report reinforced other information I had about his emotions. And the most interesting thing, or at least the thing my colleague was most interested in and I remembered, was that this colleague doesn't like conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it. This rang true to me. I had noticed that he usually stays quiet, preferring not to participate. That's bad enough, but eventually he will blow and there are warning signs just beforehand – he starts to stammer a little and his eyes close slightly. We were in a meeting just a day or two after he shared the evaluation with me and I noticed this happening – the stammering and the eyes. Because we'd discussed it and we had the assessment to refer to rather than just my own thoughts, I felt safe asking for a short break and took the chance to speak with him and tell him what I'd noticed. He had an opportunity to calm down and to raise the issue in a better way.”

“That wouldn't always work. I had a colleague who would have taken that as a personal insult,” Debra objected.

“You're right, of course. But I bet he wouldn't react the same way if his mother told him. Or his best friend. You need to have built a trusting relationship in advance. Especially because many people assume the worst intentions.

“And, look, even if you can help the other person to manage their emotions it might not be enough – to really get the most out of it the individual you help has to have a high enough EI to then use that information. In this case that didn't happen. The guy did calm down but he went back into silent mode and didn't speak up again. He didn't have the skills. I mean, he was capable of reacting well when I brought the evidence to him, but he wasn't able to own those emotions publicly and manage them. Instead he pushed them down so that they manifested themselves in the stammering and the eyes. It's as though he thought nobody would notice that he was furious. But, of course, we all did.

“None of us brought it up either. And I don't know why – what are we so worried about? Maybe it's because we're afraid of what might happen – if we start talking about emotions maybe people will cry or punch each other? We know we don't have the tools to deal with emotions and so we back away, scared. It reminds me of a recurring dream I had when I was a kid – fighting with my little brother in the back of a car and the car going out of control. I wasn't able to save us. I had that dream for years. Until I learned to drive in fact.” He trailed off.

“So you're saying that being the only person with EI gives you an edge but the real edge comes from everyone having it. The total sum is more than the sum of its parts?”

“Yes. And that's why the best leaders use this explicitly. They make it part of business as usual. Because emotions are part of business as usual!” Johann seemed exasperated.

Taking a chance, Debra ventured “You can see why people might prefer to just go on some technical training?”

Johann grimaced. “Yes. You go away and you come back and you've learned something and it can be tested. Absolutely. Much easier. But just because this is harder to measure it doesn't mean it's not valuable. Imagine the possibilities of improving your EI? Did you know that there are studies that show that pleasant emotions can make employees think more creatively, whilst, in contrast, unpleasant emotions can help employees focus on specific problems or issues? Think what I could do to the HR department at salary review time in the name of making them focus!”

Debra laughed. She was 90 per cent sure he was joking. “OK. But let's not get carried away – even if you could do it – it might be more trouble than it's worth? The effect might be small and how do you even know it'll work on the HR people? What is the validity of the study?”

“It's a great question. I've always liked the description of the social sciences as ‘where science meets art’ so of course you need to exercise some caution. Many of the studies you see reported are actually thinly veiled PR puff pieces and, when you look closer, you realize the sample sizes were tiny or insufficient in some other way. Or maybe there was no control group.

“And, look, even if the study is 100 per cent spot-on, there are so many things that can go wrong that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. The key is to focus on a few behaviours that will help you to improve your ability to notice, question and listen. In my experience you'll be amazed at the results of simply showing your interest in others. The key to success in the matrix is relationships or ‘friends’ and knowing this is important isn't new. Think about Dale Carnegie's famous quote: ‘You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you’.”

“In your opinion, which of the skills is the most difficult?” Debra asked.

“Hmmm. I think I'll have to say noticing because what we notice is so related to who we are. It's hard to imagine other people are noticing something else. I think this is particularly true across cultures.

“I remember walking down a road in Sri Lanka and noticing that there were a lot of different types of green, identifying three species of tree and feeling pleased with myself for spotting a budding Bodhi tree.

“I spoke to my Sri Lankan companion and asked him what he had noticed when walking down the road and at first he didn't understand the question. He didn't think of it as ‘noticing’ any more than I would think of it as ‘noticing’ to be aware of the next stop of the train I'm riding. It's just information I need to keep my life going.

“When he did understand my strange question it transpired that he could name 25 different trees and plants alongside many other things I had missed and that the Bodhi tree wasn't a Bodhi tree at all!”

“So even when you remember to look, what you notice might be wrong too?”

“Exactly. Like when Japanese people smile and laugh. Sometimes that means they're happy but it also can mean they're embarrassed. I suppose this means I think understanding is hard too.”

“All of the skills are hard,” Debra suggested.

“You're right. But it's worth it I think,” said Johann. “Think about it, we don't buy from someone we don't trust or like. So a person who has a high ability to recognize, identify and feel emotions in him/herself and others will be able to build up trust and a good relationship and so sell more easily. And we're all sales people, remember? We all have to sell something, even if it's an idea, to someone else. People with high EI will likely have more friends and mentors in companies and thus advance faster and be able to solicit more backers for their proposals than a person of equal (or perhaps greater) IQ.”

“It doesn't mean the proposal or the idea doesn't have to be good. Just that you're more likely to get a hearing if you have high EI.”

“Yes. And you are more likely to be able to frame the proposal so that it takes into account all of the concerns and ambitions of your audience.”

Johann looked at his watch. They needed to finish up soon if he was to be ready for his next meeting. “What's the alternative?” he asked. “To be owned by our emotions? It is self-evident that emotions impact our behaviour and I believe that leadership is about noticing these emotions and their impact while properly managing that information. We have to be able to do it first for ourselves and then, if we're really good, to help others do the same. All the time acknowledging that we're human and can always slip up and can always get better.”

“Do you know what?” Debra interrupted. “This is great news. It means that there is a key to success that I can now learn and so become fabulously successful!” She raised her arms diva-style.

“Hmm,” Johann wasn't sure he wanted to get into that discussion right now. “Tell you what, we seem to be out of time. You're all set for your conversations? Then good luck! I'm looking forward to hearing how they go. Give me a call if you need anything and, if not, I'll see you next week.”

They both stood up as Debra collected her notes and left.

Key Takeaways

1. People with high EI will likely have more friends and mentors in companies and thus advance faster and be able to solicit more backers for their proposals than a person of equal (or perhaps a greater) IQ.

2. If you can learn the mental skills that come along with EI, you will be able to get better at the behaviours that underpin success in the matrix.

3. Not speaking up means that nothing changes, meaning you miss a great opportunity to help yourself and your colleagues at the same time.

4. Being aware of your own emotions and those of others is important in having difficult conversations as well as in other key workplace situations.

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