12
Learning EI
Debra continued to think about how she should learn EI. She asked an internal training expert for advice on what her options were. The trainer, Judith, suggested she enrol in a two-day public course on emotional intelligence, or she could wait and join an internal programme running in four months. She decided to talk to some of her colleagues who had attended the internal session in the past and, whilst all of them said it was interesting, few of them seemed to think that they were acting much differently as a result.
After this research, Debra's scepticism seemed well founded. It appeared that the traditional training courses either didn't share any of the background research, so the attendees weren't convinced of the importance of EI. Because of this oversight her colleagues didn't engage. Or the trainers explained the background in a very academic way so the importance of these behaviours was lost. People realized they weren't going to learn practical skills, so they returned to their phones and laptops.
Not to mention the content and delivery seemed a bit “fuzzy” to Debra's colleagues – not quite middle-aged ladies talking about “The Secret” but close enough to allow many to dismiss the subject outright. Elena, her colleague in HR, had even said: “I couldn't take it seriously. It was like they had discovered the holy grail. Which meant it couldn't be questioned. And if you did question them, they couldn't tell you what it was made of!”
All of the courses devoted a significant amount of time to practising behaviours which everyone seemed to think useful. But when people returned to their offices with a set of new skills that were thereafter ignored, sooner or later, the ability and even the knowledge behind those skills atrophied. Debra wanted something meatier. Something that would “stick”.
So you can definitely learn it, she thought. She had read some work by Daniel Goleman, the author Johann had mentioned who wrote about EI. He talked about a set of emotional competencies which are not innate talents, but rather learned capabilities. These capabilities must be worked on and can be developed to achieve outstanding performance. The problem is: no-one seemed very clear on how.
Debra thought about learning to drive: I certainly started at a low level there and didn't have much, or any, natural talent. The classes helped, of course. I mean, I learned the basics – the concepts and the theory – and I had a chance to practise the behaviours. But it took me ages to get good at it. Maybe it's like that with EI?
She was pretty sure she could pass a test like the one developed by Mayer and his colleagues. And, under ideal or classroom conditions, she was sure she could display the behaviours needed. Debra wasn't convinced, however, that it would really make a difference when under emotional stress. Would what she learned come back when she needed it most?
Debra remembered reading once that the best way to learn something was to do so in circumstances that most resemble those in which you will use the knowledge or skill. If that's true, she thought, then I need a chance to practise and debrief on real-life situations.
Debra remembered vaguely a “ladder of learning” or “ladder of competence” that a trainer had shown her years ago. Googling it, she found an image that clarified her thinking immediately.
So training can tell us what to do and give us some chance to practise, but the real key is trying new behaviours in real life or as close to real life as possible. That's exactly what I'm worried about, she thought: moving from stage 3 to stage 4. I don't see how even the best trainer can do that for me. And without that progress I think it'd be very easy to slip back to stage 2 again. And that's the worst of all worlds – knowing you're not good at something but not getting better. How depressing!
What I really need is someone to act as a cheerleader or as a sponsor like recovering addicts might have. That makes sense, she thought, recovering addicts are certainly trying to change their behaviour!
I need someone who will remind me what I'm supposed to do, who will keep me on the straight and narrow, give me confidence when I need it and a kicking when that's what will work. Interesting, she thought. It's like the advice they give you when you go on a diet or start an exercise regime – get a buddy!
But I don't just want a buddy, she thought. I want someone to teach me – who could do that?
Not my manager, that's for sure, she thought. She almost laughed out loud. When Johann had talked about people who would self-report as having EI but actually were as emotionally intelligent as a dead toad she had immediately pictured her current manager! Could a different manager do it? Yes. But they'd have to be very self-aware. And motivated enough to take the time necessary away from their day job.
How would such a manager behave? What would he or she have to do to help you get better at EI? Debra couldn't imagine where you would start to help someone get better at noticing, using and managing their own emotions. And then notice those of the people around them as well. She made a mental note to discuss this with Johann and went back to an issue that had been bothering her recently, although she was starting to see the situation differently as a result of her work with him.
Since learning about the matrix it had occurred to her that one of its advantages ought to be that it's easier to avoid group think because people move around, so norms don't get accepted over time. However, in one of the projects Debra was working on, there was a very strong project manager, Andy. He had lots of great points but he was very, Debra thought about the right word, forceful. The project had been going on for a long time – longer than anticipated – so most of the other people on the project team knew him well and they had learned to avoid giving him bad news because his violent reactions (mostly shouting and sarcasm) made it too dangerous. It was one of the reasons the project was so far behind!
A new IT guy had just joined the team and he challenged one of Andy's assumptions. He was very reasonable, not cheeky or disrespectful in any way. But Andy blew up. He turned on the guy and destroyed him. He didn't raise his voice but his tone and words were cutting and belittling so that he seemed almost threatening. Debra had watched this new guy deflate as he physically cringed under the assault. He hadn't spoken once at the next meeting. Debra hadn't known what to do at the time so, along with everyone else, she did nothing. She was determined to discuss this with Johann so that they could think about what might be going on and come up with ideas about what steps to take in order to fix the problem.
She also wanted to let him know that in the last few days she realized, simply by thinking about it and remembering to notice, that she worked best when she was under a certain amount of pressure. She further noticed that for her the “best” pressure came from having promised something to a peer. So, to avoid procrastination and being overwhelmed at the last minute, she had now set up a system whereby she had to deliver “first-stage deliverables” and “second-stage deliverables” to peers with whom she worked. So far it seemed to be helping.
Wow, she thought. Johann has really done a number on me. I've gone from not thinking about emotions to thinking about them, noticing them and using them too. I wonder where that puts me on that “ladder of learning?”
Key Takeaways