Chapter 9
Be Positive When Correcting: Fragile, Handle with Care
Disarming the Defensive
It is never their fault. And why not, I mean they've been told that they are special every day of their life while growing up, and then they come to work, and we say there's a problem and guess what, it's you! So what do we expect, of course they are going to be offended? It's just that you can't say anything to them without it blowing up.
—Shoe company manager
Sometimes I avoid giving feedback that is not positive because I don't want to deal with the drama.
—Real estate office manager
They kind of deflect critique. I just roll with the punches and guide them in the right direction. Normally it takes a couple of confrontations to get through to them, but you have to be patient.
—Country club manager
We don't expect them to be our best friends, but when they critique us, we want them to do it in a friendly way.
—A Millennial
Constant affirmation has undermined genuine recognition and left too many members of the Millennial generation without the sense of security required to tolerate criticism or even listen to it. In Taiwan, Millennials are playfully referred to as strawberries—because they bruise easily. (See Table 9.1.)
Table 9.1 Disarming the Defensive
| Disarming (Be Positive When Correcting) | Defensive |
| A proactive response to conflict. It involves de-escalating intense interactions, listening, being fair, and embracing resistance. | Millennials often experience anger, guardedness, offense, resentment, and shift responsibility in response to critiques and evaluation. They want to be told when they are doing well, but not when they are doing poorly. |
The Millennial Intrinsic Value: Achievement
Achievement is the intrinsic value that drives the Millennials' need to be affirmed. Feedback that is not interpreted as being affirming is met with anything from incredulity to counterattack—not only by them, but sometimes by their parents as well. In an article published in FastCompany,1 Danielle Sacks gives an extreme example of a situation that would have been considered unthinkable less than a generation ago.
A 22-year-old pharmaceutical employee learned that he was not getting the promotion he had been eyeing. His boss told him he needed to work on his weaknesses first.
The Harvard grad had excelled at everything he had ever done, so he was crushed by the news. He told his parents about the performance review, and they were convinced there was some misunderstanding, some way they could fix it because they had been able to fix everything before.
His mother called the human resources (HR) department the next day. Seventeen times. She left increasingly frustrated messages: “You're purposely ignoring us”; “you fudged the evaluation”; “you have it in for my son.” She demanded a mediation session with her son, his boss, and HR—and got it. At one point, the 22-year-old reprimanded the HR rep for being “rude to my mom.”
This case illustrates the powerful new mix of defensive young employees and interventionist helicopter parents confronting managers today. It is no accident that they are hitting managers together in a one-two punch. There are many factors contributing to the defensive posture frequently encountered among Millennial employees. The most significant of these factors is the parenting style that became popular among Baby Boomer parents in the wake of Benjamin Spock's revolution. Though extreme, the example is not as uncommon as one might think. We interviewed more than one manager who received phone calls from parents who were not satisfied with their children's performance reviews.
Defensiveness manifests as taking offense, unwillingness to accept responsibility for one's actions, guardedness, resentment, and anger. In the workplace, these are often seen in response to criticism and evaluation. Even minor critiques have been reported to trigger loud and emotional outbursts.
The word criticism itself has become problematic in our language. The word's origin means to analyze, but for many people—defensive or not—the word connotes a scathing attack. To a defensive individual, the possibility of criticism is especially threatening, even if the intent is constructive.
Millennials are under more pressure to succeed than their elders. Lady Gaga's Born This Way Foundation conducted a study asking high school students how they feel during the school day. The top three feelings were tired, stressed, and bored.2 They have been raised to excel at academics, sports, music, and their next big hit is work. They expect instant success, partly because the continuous stream of media content never shares with viewers the hard work that success actually requires. And they have been applauded and affirmed for every step they have taken. One of the authors recently was told “good job, Dad” by his toddler. At two and a half, she had heard it so frequently that it had become part of her vocabulary.
Modern affluence and ideas about child rearing might be creating a challenge for society through the mixed blessing of too much of a good thing. Parents have always wanted the best for their children. They want to make sure their children suffer no negative consequences, from the environment or their own actions. Economic prosperity allowed Boomer parents to indulge their protective and nurturing instincts to an extent not available to previous generations. Social commentators began to write about the helicopter parent last decade, though the phenomenon goes back farther. Parents were seen hovering like helicopters, ready to get their boots on the ground the instant an intervention was required. They deploy themselves just as readily in response to threats against their children's self-esteem as to physical danger. When their children are in preschool, they monitor to make sure that all social interactions are smooth, for fear that the toddlers might develop a phobia against further socializing. In elementary school, they volunteer as class parent so they can be on hand to ensure that no situation is too stressful. At the same time, they push their children into as many after-school activities as possible to ensure maximal broadening, rounding, and nurturing. The practice of doling out awards to all participants is one of the results of the self-esteem movement. Needless to say, helicopter parents heaved a collective sigh of relief—with a wink to one another—when each child received a trophy at the end of the season.
We should not be surprised to see parents experiencing difficulty in finally extricating themselves when their kids go to work, after having been actively involved in their children's lives, from infancy through college, and in many cases, graduate school. After all, unlike in prior generations, the children are not actually leaving to go to work. Young adult children are far more likely to live at home during their first few years after college than their parents were.
We're willing to bet that most readers will be satisfied if they can avoid having parents join the next performance review. This chapter is designed to help you disarm your defensive Millennial employees before mom or dad calls HR. Seventeen times.
The Bias of Experience
Skeptical managers say, “What success? Their grades are inflated; they got a trophy just for showing up; and anyone can be an American Idol! They still have a lot to prove to me.” Compare such sentiment to that of the Millennials in our survey who articulated feelings of being condescended to or disregarded for their lack of experience.
One of the more notable differences managers spoke about when comparing their experience to that of the Millennials was how their managers had reprimanded them. One manager put it rather colorfully, “They didn't care about our feelings or if we were going to quit. If you were lucky, they would shut the door, but people down the hall could still hear the ‘butt chewing.’” Several managers we interviewed thought there was value in the unsentimental way they were handled early in their careers. They did not think they would have become successful without having had a manager or supervisor who was willing to get tough with them. From their current vantage, our interviewees felt that in their youth they lacked skills and judgment, and they also lacked the perspective to see it. The people they worked for had to rattle their cages to open their eyes. For many of the managers in our focus groups, the rough handling they received while coming up through the ranks was a badge of honor or rite of passage. We were treated to more color from a focus group participant who summarized the changes this way: “Society as a whole is getting softer and gentler. Hard-nosed coaches are giving way to players' coaches. Drill sergeants are befriending recruits. Yikes, even librarians won't tell someone to shut up anymore.”
None of the managers we spoke with expressed a desire to return to the days of over-the-top confrontations. It is worth pointing out that the butt chewings, which were acceptable 20 years ago, are no longer considered appropriate. Those on each side of the generational divide have differing views of appropriateness in the workplace when it comes to politeness, expressing one's own feelings, and resolving conflicts. The differences even apply to subtle behaviors such as asking a superior why a task was assigned.
Keeping the following distinctions in mind is particularly important when disarming a defensive employee. Studies suggest that people admire vulnerability in their leaders. Use yourself as a negative example, as illustrated in this fictitious quotation: “Your mistake pales in comparison to mine. I lost the company $20,000 because I signed a contract that we couldn't get out of. I should have read it more thoroughly.” Talking about your own mistakes will help you to build trust with your Millennials. Not only trust, but also a greater confidence in your ability to lead. Even more important, employees (and their organizations) can learn by examining their failures in detail. A vice president we interviewed created a safe environment for hearing criticism by positioning herself as a learner, “It's a journey, and even though I'm your boss and a vice president, I don't know everything. I'm still learning and growing. Together as a team, let's take this next year, read through some books, and talk through what we want to be. We all have room to grow.”
Best Practices
Before class one day, a Millennial who was an assistant manager at a surf and skate shop approached one of his friends who worked for him, “Dude, why didn't you show up for work yesterday?” Evidently the friend's response was not satisfactory to the young manager, and so he continued, “We're friends, and we will always be friends, but if you ever hang me out like that again, I'll have to replace you. Now, where do you want to go for lunch?” The conversation took less than two minutes, but it revealed volumes. In some ways, it violated convention—done in public and confrontational. But the result was remarkable evidenced by the friend's response, “You are right. I get it. I won't let you down again. How about Chipotle?” Here's what we learned from this remarkable young manager through this one encounter.
The Less Pomp and Circumstance, the Better
The confrontation was not dramatic—it was both informal and conversational. In Millennial speak, it means that the manager did not make a bigger deal out of it than need be. The more dramatic and formal the encounter (as in your office), the more you can expect anxiety and defensiveness.
Assure Them about Your Relationship with Them
The manager began the dialogue by assuring his friend about the state of their relationship. Whether the job worked out or not, the relationship was intact. Relationships are important to Millennials, as they are to people of every generation. But they have been taught to emphasize slightly different aspects of their relationships. They are accustomed to coaches, parents, and teachers reassuring them that the criticism about to be delivered in no way affects the esteem and warmth that is felt for them. They are more concerned with the state of the relationship than they are the consequence of their behavior. Assuring a Millennial subordinate of the value you place on your relationship will help him or her to accept unflattering feedback. The more you put them at ease relationally, the more open they are to critique. This is true with all people, but especially so with Millennials.
Invite Them to Look Forward to Better Times
Asking his friend where he wanted to have lunch was an ingenious tactic used by our young manager. Not only did it affirm the status of their relationship, it was also an invitation to a more positive encounter.
Learning from Success
We have captured a few of the strategies that managers found to be very useful in helping Millennials keep their emotional balance so they could remain open to learning from their mistakes.
Suspend Snap Judgments
We invite you to try a simple exercise. Imagine yourself being asked the following question and then note the thoughts and feelings that arise in response: “Why do I have to make 250 copies?” Earlier we explained how our minds simplify decision making by use of pattern recognition and emotional tagging. In supervisory situations, the word why often alerts the listener to the possibility that his or her instructions are meeting resistance. Previous generations may have used “why” to signal defiance, but more often than not, Millennials really do want to know why. They have been encouraged to ask why at home, at school, and now they are asking why at work. How a person hears the word why, and the subtext intended by the speaker, are generationally specific. So suspend snap judgments, embrace the why, and even if you think it is resistance, embrace that, too!
Embrace Resistance
We have suggested that the points of tension experienced with Millennials can become places to connect. Disarming the Defensive is a great example of how to turn resistance into commitment. Gary Yukl argues that there are three possible responses to the influence of a managerial leader—(1) commitment, (2) compliance, and (3) resistance.3 Look at Figure 9.1. Where would you place resistance and compliance?
Figure 9.1 The Commitment, Resistance, Compliance Continuum
Many people place resistance at the opposite end from commitment. The reality is that resistance is closer to commitment than compliance. Resistance can be anywhere between compliance and commitment. It is common for lifelong friendships to have started with a conflict. Managers who accept compliance as a sign of commitment will find it difficult to develop others or to lead organizational change. Effective managers realize that resistance is better than compliance and embrace it. As one manager put it, “I really am one of those people that think rebellion every now and then is a good thing. I think it keeps things fresh and alive. That's really what I love.” Resistance indicates dissatisfaction. Recognizing that allows a manager the opportunity to engage their Millennial employees by giving them the opportunity to voice their concerns. It is much easier to channel energy than it is to motivate lethargy. Resistance is energy waiting to be channeled.
Step to Their Side
If you meet resistance with opposite force, it will usually end up in a power play. A great example for going with resistance can be found in the Japanese martial art of Aikido. Morihei Ueshiba's goal was to create a martial art that practitioners could use to defend themselves while also protecting their attacker from injury. Aikido focuses not on punching or kicking opponents, but rather on using their own energy to gain control of them or to throw them away from you. One of the first moves in Aikido is to position yourself so that you see what your attacker sees. The goal is to move with her, not against her. When you encounter defensive Millennials, step to their side and try to see what they see and use their defensiveness as a means for connecting with them.
“Step to their side” is a phrase that negotiating expert William Ury uses in his work. Anybody who effectively manages Millennials knows that it takes negotiation skills. Ury's advice4 is very applicable to managing Millennials when it comes to disarming defensiveness:
- Resist the temptation to argue.
- Acknowledge their feelings, their point, their competence, and your differences.
- Shift the encounter away from positional bargaining to joint problem solving.
- Help them to save face.
- Ask them for constructive criticism.
- Reaffirm the relationship.
- Aim for mutual satisfaction, not victory.
Be Fair
“I think if you take the time to actually be a good listener, try to understand, and be fair with them, they will take constructive criticism,” commented one of the managers in a focus group. Another manager challenged, “How do you determine what is constructive criticism and what is not?” The first manager responded, “I guess if you don't listen to their side of the story, you don't try to understand where they are coming from, and you are not perceived to be fair, then the criticism is not perceived to be constructive.” She went on to tell a story of an employee who worked under a different manager in her store. The employee wanted to talk about his poor performance with her. She asked her colleague if it was okay before consenting to meet. The young employee started, “You know, I can't talk to him. I can talk to you. I have a lot of stuff going on at home … I'm not trying to do a bad job.” She suggested that the three of them talk together and that maybe he should try and help his manager understand what was going on in his life. They met and it worked out. She reflected, “I feel good that I could help him out a little bit. I also got to explain to him what our job is, so he can better understand where we're coming from as managers. He's still here, he's happy, and he does his job much better now.”
It takes time to “be fair,” but it is not nearly as time-consuming as writing them up or having to replace them.
Learning from Our Failures
A company we were working with was experiencing high turnover. The positions were entry level and labor intensive. The managers were exhausted with their young recruits quitting after only weeks on the job. Some of the managers blamed the turnover on the fact that Millennials could not be counted on. Others suggested they were not effective at finding the right Millennials. The employees who were quitting expressed that they were tired of being yelled at for problems that were not their fault, “I like the tips and the perks, but I can't handle being yelled at.”
We asked management what issues they found themselves confronting the most and they replied, “It's all pretty much small stuff. Things they should know.” One manager asked a couple of employees what could be done to make their jobs more tenable. Initially, they were reluctant to answer candidly but were eventually convinced of the manager's sincerity. “None of us feel like we have been trained properly. The people who trained us were leaving and they never got trained. We really don't know if we are doing things right or wrong. We get that you are busy with your job upstairs, but you don't know what it takes to do our job down here. We don't need someone yelling at us, we want someone who can show us what to do.”
Nobody likes to be yelled at, but Millennials are more frustrated by the fact that they are perceived to be bad employees. If you decide to ask for constructive criticism, be sure not to be defensive yourself. The worst thing you could do is to minimize their input.
They do not know how to fail because they were never allowed to fail. Over time, through failure, we learn to accept ourselves as real people. Until that happens, we are likely to try to preserve images of ourselves that are unrealistic. We cannot expect, however, that young people will choose to fail because they understand its pedagogical value. That tough job belongs to parents, teachers, and coaches.
The manager who gets hooked by excuses, the blame game, or a poor attitude will lose their balance and ability to disarm the defensive. In the next chapter, we talk more about the concept of getting emotionally hooked and what to do about it.
In a Nutshell
Millennial employees' defensiveness is tied to their desire to achieve. If you correct them in a condescending way, they will not hear you. They respond to managers who care enough to listen to them, attempt to understand them, and assure them of the relationship. Once you have had to confront, be sure to invite them to look forward to their growth by regularly recognizing their progress, providing them with support, giving them constructive feedback, and showing them that you want them to succeed.