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The Power of Uplifting Others

I wanted to be a collegiate cheerleader. Their fancy outfits, powerful moves, ability to bring joy to others, and the drive to cheer others on was inspiring to me.

Every game, they would dress up and show up. I mean, really show up as they bravely flipped into the air. I spent most of my life thinking I hadn’t done a single thing to make that dream come true (other than wearing one Halloween costume). But eventually, I realized I am a cheerleader, because you don’t have to flip over backward to cheer others on.

There’s real science behind cheering on and uplifting others. Research by Emma Seppälä of Stanford University and author of The Happiness Track shows how giving to others brings you joy.¹ She explains that sharing joy can come in the small moments of your day or the biggest relationships of your life. It starts with finding joy in the power of connection and embracing it.

How you connect with and uplift others may change over time as you enter different stages of your career and life, such as supporting women just starting their careers, working mothers, and grieving friends. What will not change is your ability to make a meaningful difference through your actions in caring for others, no matter what stage you’re in. Let’s explore different ways you can create uplifting connection for yourself and others in your life starting right now.

CREATE MOMENTS OF GENUINE CONNECTION

The very first step to creating moments of genuine connection is being present with others. Throughout any given day, you interact with many people. You have a choice in how you make those seemingly trivial encounters a bit more meaningful for yourself and others. It can be as simple as saying “hello” and “thank you” or engaging in a brief conversation. Research shows your happiness increases when you connect with others—and I think it might even have the power to do more than that.²

Back when I commuted daily, I often ran late for the train. (I run late for lots of things, if we’re keeping it real.) One day I did my usual sprint to the train home and watched the train doors close just as I arrived. The next train was nearly 30 minutes later, so I sat down on the nearby bench to wait. A well-dressed woman also sat down on the bench and complimented me on my dress. I could easily have let it be just a nice compliment and continued with my day, but something inspired me to keep talking with her. After all, I had a while to go until my next train. I asked her what industry she worked in and learned she was chief marketing officer at a global firm. We ended up talking about our work, families, and life. Before I knew it, the next train pulled into the station, and we exchanged cards before parting ways. I could have ended the connection at that point, but instead I wrote her an email that evening to say it would be fun to continue the conversation over coffee. She responded with an invitation to her club for breakfast, and we shared a meaningful dialogue about career choices, navigating office politics, working motherhood, and maintaining friendships as adults. For months afterward, I ran into her occasionally on the train or in neighborhood coffee shops, and we always exchanged pleasantries.

Over a year later, we bumped into each other again, this time while I was on one of my first masked outings after being allowed in stores again during the Covid-19 pandemic. Despite the face coverings, we recognized each other from afar and said hello. I could have maintained a surface conversation, as you do when you run into people in passing, but I talked to her about the podcast I had started during the pandemic and watched as she added it to her Apple Podcast library. We picked up our correspondence again via email, met occasionally for coffee, and Lisa was one of the first people I told when I got the book deal.

This story included lots of Bold Moves for me. Maybe your Bold Move is saying hello to a person you pass on the street or authentically complimenting someone on her dress. If this is new for you, that’s a big deal. If that’s something you already do, try asking a question more than the usual “How are you?” You can ask someone what they’re reading, which is usually aligned with what a person enjoys or values, to tap into something deeper with them. (You might end up with a great book recommendation, too!) My favorite question to ask is, “What has been the highlight of your week?” It leads to both sharing joy and finding meaning. Though it embarrasses my husband to no end, I even do this in the grocery checkout line when the cashier seems to want to engage in a conversation.

Making a proactive connection with others involves choosing to be intentional with your attention. Think about all the times you’ve had a conversation with the person at the table next to yours at the coffee shop. Or were you the person with your earbuds in? People tend to both underestimate how much they’ll enjoy connecting with a stranger and worry too much about how the other person will respond.³ The reality is the worst thing that might happen is the other person says no, ignores you, or looks surprised.

In fact, in one research study, participants were asked to interact with strangers once a day over five days, and in the end, 99 percent of participants found at least one conversation “pleasantly surprising”—and 40 percent of them communicated with one of the strangers again. Going forward, I hope you’ll consider the gift of a seemingly random connection with other people. And, just in case you need even more motivation to try this, research shows even minimal interactions with strangers leads to a happiness boost!⁴

You can get started with this today. In the bottom of your work bag, you can likely find a business card for a person you keep meaning to reach out to. Call this person or send an email to reconnect. Go ahead and initiate a conversation with the person you see watering their flowers while you’re out walking your dog. Ask the barista what his name is—and remember it.

You leave impressions every day on everyone around you, and when you share kindness with others it becomes a part of you and a part of them. Kindness creates a connection between people, and I think we can all agree that we can use more kindness in our lives.

SUPPORT OTHER WOMEN

Though I encourage joyfully connecting with everyone, there is a special power that comes from women supporting other women.

As a Xennial (microgeneration between Generation X and millennials), I grew up in a time when women didn’t always help other women.⁵ Or looked at in a different light, they supported other women in the best way they knew with the information they had at the time. Some women were afraid to help other women because there was a perceived (or real) scarcity of roles available. Others felt that women should not get extra support, because they hadn’t received any during their own careers. I always found this way of thinking troublesome. If I disrespected or undermined others because that had happened to me, I would not be the kind of leader, colleague, or friend I aspire to.

Instead, I want to be a part of changing the narrative—by opening every door I can for other women, even if those doors had been closed to me. And I’m happy to say that many others appear to be moving in this direction too.

Bring Other Women up with You

It is my responsibility to bring other women up with me and to work toward successful outcomes for all women.

Here’s what this looks like in everyday life:

Amplify other women’s voices in meetings when they get shut down. Point out when women’s ideas are missed or “borrowed” and redirect the conversation back to what they shared.

Give credit to women for their projects. Help other women shine by pointing out what their projects did to help your team or the organization.

Share salary information to help promote transparency and reduce the gender wage gap. To reach gender pay equity, women need to know what to ask for in the context of their industry and role.

Ask for an extra event ticket to bring someone you mentor or want to open doors for. Once you have made it to the place where you can open doors for others, help them get into the rooms that can advance their careers.

Talk with other women about your experiences. When you vulnerably share about what you’ve faced in your career, you can give other women insights they can learn from—and help them feel less alone.

If you’re looking for ways to connect with other women, consider joining a professional women’s network. I’ve been fortunate to benefit from many groups that have helped elevate my career and create opportunities for others, including Luminary, HeyMama, and Ellevate Network. In addition to the psychological benefits of having positive relationships with other women, it can also help you achieve your goals.

Beyond bringing other women up with you, this is about building other women up around you. When another woman chooses to make her Bold Move, celebrate her. We rise together.

Champion Working Moms

As a new working mother, I often felt I had to hide what I was doing to make it all happen at work and at home. I didn’t talk openly about negotiating with my husband about who would leave work early for the unexpected snow day closing. I didn’t share that I rearranged my business travel schedule to take the overnight flights to Europe so I could be home for one more family dinner. I spoke in hushed tones when school called (of course, calling me as the mother, even though my husband was also listed as a contact) about something that had happened that day. I meticulously dressed and did my hair and makeup each day so I would look like I had it all together—even on the days when I’d done enough parenting and household responsibilities that I had practically worked a full day before arriving at the office. Some of this was my perception about how women succeeded at having it all—and some of it was real gender bias. Joan C. Williams of University of California Hastings College of the Law and author of What Works for Women at Work (one of my favorite books!) created the term “maternal wall” to describe a type of bias when people view mothers or pregnant women as less competent and less committed to their jobs.

You don’t have to be a mother yourself, or want to have children, to champion working mothers. Whether a woman has just returned to work after parental leave or has been navigating working motherhood for years, she will benefit from your support.

Speak Up for Moms

Part of the bias of the maternal wall is that mothers aren’t perceived to be as dedicated to their careers. Correcting this means addressing what’s being said and what’s not being said. Shut down any comments about working moms who rush out of the office at 5 p.m. Truth talk: I once was that person who whispered about working moms leaving early and how they can’t possibly be doing their jobs. That memory reminds me of why it’s so important now for me to share with others how to support working mothers. Though you may not directly experience what others do as a working parent, show compassion—and advocate for them. It shouldn’t fall only to working mothers to speak up about office policies that negatively affect them. This isn’t about special privileges: workplace culture should prioritize everyone’s well-being.

Be Mindful of Scheduling

I’ve been known to swoop into conference rooms like James Bond ducking under a closing steel door as I tried to navigate school drop-off, commuting to work, and getting to that early morning meeting. In some workplaces, there are parameters on when meetings can be scheduled to be mindful of the demands on people’s time. Let’s be real, no one really likes rushing in for an early morning meeting, so this is more inclusive for everyone! Just as mornings can be a balancing act, so can the rest of the workday. Meeting times often need to be changed to keep up with unexpected demands of the workday, and though these changes can cause friction for everyone, they can be an added challenge for caregivers. Mothers may have set aside time to pump or need to leave early to get to parent-teacher conferences. If you’re changing a scheduled meeting, consider how it might affect everyone and give as much advance notice as possible.

If you’re not sure how to support a working mother, ask her! She will be grateful for the acknowledgment, even if she doesn’t yet have the answer figured out.

SUPPORT OTHERS IN TIMES OF NEED

As important as it is to share connection in moments of joy, there is also power in sharing connection in difficult situations. In moments of tragedy, illness, or death, you cannot take away pain and suffering, but you do have the ability to make things just a bit lighter or more comfortable.

You may feel unsure of how to help a grieving friend or worry you’re going to do or say the wrong thing. Preparing for these moments with grace is a Bold Move. Here are ways you can support a friend or colleague who is going through a difficult time.

There’s no perfect moment. It’s natural to feel nervous about reaching out. Don’t wait. If we’ve learned anything about life, it’s that there is never a perfect moment, and no moment is promised to us. Your friend or colleague needs you now—even your imperfect self. Show up for them.

Offer, don’t ask. So many times, well-intentioned people say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Or “How can I help?” But in the moment, it’s much more helpful to tell someone what you’ll do to be helpful. For example, say, “I’d like to bring you dinner every Wednesday night, or Tuesday if you prefer. This way you’ll have something you can count on. Does that work for you?” Something like this is a gift in so many ways, including saving the person the energy of having to think about these decisions.

Let them feel heard. Your goal is not to make them feel better. Instead, your job is to let them feel heard. You can’t erase what they’ve been through, nor should you try. If they want to talk, listen. If they feel like being silent, honor this. Whatever they need in that moment, hear them.

Don’t compare experiences. We’re taught that empathy means relating to what someone is feeling, but compassion is more important in grief. Even if you, too, have experienced something tragic and difficult, it’s best not to presume that it’s the same as what this person is feeling. Sharing your own story without being invited to could feel like comparison, or worse, competition. All experiences of loss are difficult. Focus only on what your friend is going through right now. That said, your friend may identify differently with people who have experienced something similar.

Be mindful of your own perspectives on grief and death. It’s safer to keep the comments to yourself about how everything happens for a reason or a person who is dying will be “better off.” There are many different beliefs about death and dying, and you wouldn’t want to unintentionally upset the grieving person by professing your beliefs. If they’re interested in your perspective, they may ask, but don’t offer.

Use language carefully. Pay attention to the cues from the person you’re talking to and try to emulate their language or tone in how they’re talking about their experience. Follow their lead and do the same so you can be what they need at that time. I also try to say the name of the person who is ill or has died. It feels like a small way to honor them and allow comfort for the person who is grieving to speak about them too, if they want to.

Grief and death make us uncomfortable, which is understandable. There’s so much uncertainty in these moments. It is this very vulnerability, of not always knowing the right thing to say or do, that connects us to others and is the reason we show up anyway.

CONNECT PEOPLE IN YOUR NETWORK

Whether in the happiest times or most difficult moments, our connection to others is powerful. Once you take the time to build meaningful relationships with others, you’ll be able to multiply this goodness by connecting people in your network with each other, too.

I’ve always loved connecting people. Many of my introductions have led to mentorship, jobs, and even marriages! I have a special place in my heart for connecting people I think would enjoy each other as friends. When you connect two people, you’re saying, I believe in you and want good things for both of you. I’ve connected two friends who live in the same neighborhood and work in similar industries. I’ve connected two friends who share educational backgrounds and personal values. I’ve connected a friend with someone who has the job she wants to be in someday. And I’ve made it a point to introduce team members to people in my network for coaching or job opportunities. As you grow in your career, it’s especially important to help others who may be just starting their own.

If you’ve been more of a reactive connector (when someone needs something specific), you can shift to being more proactive by offering to make introductions when there seem to be natural points of overlap. It’s a way to add value to people in your network, and I like to think it makes the world a better place.

Now that you’re ready to build connections within your network, it’s important to make these connections the right way, which includes the following:

Ask Permission to Connect

Earlier in my career, I would get so excited to introduce two people I knew would enjoy each other that I would write a thoughtfully personalized email introduction for two people and proudly send it out, waiting for the magic to happen—except sometimes it didn’t. I might unintentionally surprise someone with my request, or there might be nuances I wasn’t aware of related to the request. I learned the hard way that the most important rule of connecting two people is simple: ask first. Asking permission gives people the option to accept or decline without making things awkward.

Let’s say you’re talking with a friend or colleague who’s looking for an important connection to advance her career or business, and there’s someone in your network who could be an influential contact for her. Go ahead and reach out to the more senior person or the one of whom you’ll be asking a favor. Write to only that person and ask if they would be willing to meet with, connect with, or whatever it is that you’re hoping for with your friend. Include a two-or-three-sentence bio about the person, how you know them, and why you think they should be connected. You can further per sonalize this based on your relationship. The most important part: give the recipient an out clause. This might sound like, “If this isn’t the right connection for you or the right time, I certainly respect how much you have going on.” Including a sentence like this gives the person on the receiving end the opportunity to decline without having to explain themselves, and this approach preserves your relationship with them.

Host the Connection

After you get permission, send an email introduction. You’re the host of this connection, much like at a dinner party, so share something about each person to give the other a sense of who they’re being connected to and why you’re connecting them. You may include what makes them special, the things you admire about them, or how you first became acquainted. I take great pride in connecting people within my network, so I want my initial request to reflect that joy.

At the close of the email, I like to say, “I’ll leave it to you two to connect directly from here,” making it clear that the next steps are up to them.

Here’s a template you can use for this:

I thought to introduce both of you because [reason you’re connecting them/what the ask is], and I know [Person 2] can learn a lot from you, [Person 1].

I’ll leave it to you two to connect directly from here.

Best to you both.

[Your Name]

Follow Through on the Connection

You can differentiate yourself in the connection process by how you follow through.

Here’s something many people miss: establishing who follows up first after the email introduction has been sent and when. If the connection is to ask for a favor for you or you’re the more junior of the two people, you should reach out first—and promptly. It shows respect to the other person’s time you’re requesting and diligence to the host’s effort.

Following the connection, graciously acknowledge the connector and move them to the BCC line. This lets them know you’ve followed up and saves their inbox. It’s also always well received when you take time to send a note to this connector to let them know how much you enjoyed the conversation. You can let them know of any next steps or something you’ve learned. They’ll remember this the next time you ask for a connection.

When following these steps, you’ll be seen as someone who understands the power of positive connections.

• • •

You have the gift of bringing joy to the world, just by being yourself. Even to one person. Go share your gifts.