10

Your Bold Move Community

As you prepare to make your Bold Move journey, it’s especially important to consider who you want (and need) by your side along the way. Your journey will be more successful—and more joyful—with the right people supporting, guiding, and inspiring you.

Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage and professor at Harvard Business School, affirms that your social connections are one of the greatest predictors of your success and happiness.¹ That’s exactly why we focused on finding advisors and advocates to influence your career earlier in this book. But it’s more than just the people you surround yourself with at work. It’s about who you bring with you every day, too.

Your Bold Move Community is made up of the people you invest in and who invest in you. This Community includes your support networks, your family, your friends, your partner/spouse, and the next generation. Nurturing relationships with people within your Community is a Bold Move.

What your Community looks like will be deeply personal to you. You may not bring all of these groups with you at the same time. In some cases, you may not bring a particular group with you at all on your journey. When you make your Bold Moves and feel supported along the way, those will be the people who are right for you.

So let’s explore the different parts of your Bold Move Community—and learn how we can nurture them for happiness and success (for you and them!).

YOUR SUPPORT NETWORKS

A support network, which I define as “a group of people who are aligned around a specific shared interest,” can help you achieve your personal and professional goals. The group can be formally organized or informally gathered, and they’re different from friends in that they’re focused on a particular subject area or topic—which can range from women entrepreneurs to working moms to runners to writers, and more. Everyone needs at least one support network, though I recommend having several.

Think about it. If you want to climb the career ladder, you connect with advisors and advocates in the workplace. If you’re building a business, you connect with other entrepreneurs to learn from and offer support. If you’re raising a family, you connect with other parents to talk to and ask for advice. Those connections are all helpful for specific and different scenarios. You wouldn’t necessarily want to rely on the same person for their insights on parenting and starting a business. For that reason, you have to create support networks to nurture all of who you are.

To get started in understanding who comprises this important aspect of your Bold Move Community, jot down a list of the support networks you’re already a part of and the individuals you rely on within those networks. To get even deeper, I recommend having two columns on your list: the network or individual’s name and what superpower of theirs helps you the most.

If you notice that specific areas of your support networks are not as comprehensive as you would like them to be, make a plan to start building them up. When doing that, consider how each group contributes to and promotes your growth—this will help you find the right people. And when you’re ready to meet new people, you can connect through volunteering, sports leagues, and faith communities, among other groups.

It’s important to point out that women specifically need their own types of networks to be successful, too. Women-specific communities offer distinct benefits and tend to make those involved feel more empowered and willing to rely on others for social support.² In fact, one of my favorite stats shows that of the more than 2,500 women who attend a women’s focused conference (specifically the Conferences for Women), 42 percent received a promotion and 15 percent received a pay raise of more than 10 percent.³ If that doesn’t show the power of a women’s support groups, I don’t know what will!

In addition to women-focused networks, it’s also critical that you have access to a more diverse network of people who are not necessarily like you, which exposes you to varied perspectives and access to higher-level opportunities.⁴

Let me be clear: this is more than networking. This is building a support network—a true and important part of your Community. While the people in these groups may help you with your professional interests, sometimes even more important, they will be there for you personally as you grow through your experiences, too.

When I think about my own support network, I recall the same group of women who I turned to when I received multiple rejections from my first book proposal: four women I had met once. We initially spoke for a few hours at a professional women’s event, and after that we had a lunch here and a dinner there, but I didn’t know them for years like my other dear friends, and they didn’t know my whole life story. Yet we connected around a specific topic, and their superpowers of being ambitious women entrepreneurs who had also faced rejection were exactly what I needed in that moment and so many other moments since.

YOUR FAMILY

Your journey to who you are today started well before you picked up this book. It started before you even knew what a career was. When you were growing up, the very first people who were alongside you were your family members.

Who was the first person to tell you, “I believe in you”? That voice is often the one we internalize over time to believe in ourselves. I’m fortunate that I had many people in my family to encourage me at every stage of my life to pursue what I dreamed of, and I hope the same for you. This doesn’t, however, mean they agreed with every choice I made; rather, they gave me the foundation to make choices for myself.

Family relationships throughout your life are linked to well-being,⁵ and positive relationships with your parents affect your motivation and work ethic.⁶ That said, family means something different to each person, and families can be complicated.

As I grew up, family meant driving back and forth two hours each way between my parents’ homes every weekend (they divorced when I was six). I joked to friends that I had two different lives and the best of both worlds, but it was also hard to constantly feel pulled in multiple directions. Gratefully, one consistent thing was that I always felt loved. My family includes my siblings, Shira and Danny. Though I wasn’t always as close with them as children (I’m the big sister), I have become inseparable with them now and love knowing them as adults.

Your family structure may include parents, grandparents, siblings, godparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others. No matter who makes up your family unit, I hope you always felt and feel loved too.

Your family connections also factor into your career, leadership, and personal growth. Research shows that parental support, particularly in adolescence, plays a significant role in their children’s future career exploration.⁷ Looking back: How has your family (parents or others) encouraged your Bold Moves? What do you wish they would have done differently to counsel or guide you?

While you can’t control the family situation you were born into or the level of support you received from your family, you can make choices about what you want now and seek it out from your family members or others you call family. Some of the challenges between adult children and parents have to do with managing each other’s expectations. Stew Friedman of the Wharton School suggests an exercise where children write out why their parents matter to them and what they believe their parents’ expectations are of them, and then the children and parents discuss the answers.⁸ Friedman reports parents were generally more supportive and accepting than anticipated. The stories we write for ourselves may not be accurate, and this kind of open dialogue gives families a chance to rewrite the story they want. Your family may have shaped who you were, but ultimately you will determine who you want to become.

Now let’s talk about the people who may just turn into family.

YOUR FRIENDS

You already know how vital friendships are to your life. Your friends are the individuals who are there for you when you need them, they support you in your best and most challenging moments, and they inspire you to be your truest self.

In addition to the way you feel when you’re with friends, research studies show that friendship has many quantifiable benefits, including reducing your stress levels,⁹ boosting your self-esteem,¹⁰ and positively affecting your health outcomes.¹¹ In one study, friendships played a more important role in long-term well-being than strong family connections—and this well-being predictor was particularly true for women.¹²

At different stages in your life, friendship will look and feel different. After you graduate from college, you generally reduce your inner circle of friends, and this will continue throughout your adult life. Friendships will evolve and so will you. You don’t need to get caught up in how many friends you have. In fact, researchers have mixed results on the number of friends you need to have to feel fulfilled (some say one, others three to five,¹³ and another showed as many as 150!¹⁴). That being said, you should determine what number feels right based on your personality, and what makes you feel included and supported. Also, since there are many facets of you, you should seek out different types of friends to support you. The goal here is to feel like you belong somewhere, because loneliness has negative effects on your physical and mental health.¹⁵

Maintaining friendships can be a challenge when you’re focused on growing your career, yet research shows this is exactly when you should focus on your relationships. A study discussed in Science Daily shows that highly motivated individuals are more inclined to pursue personal growth goals when they feel supported by people who care about them.¹⁶ Making time for friends is part of how you invest in yourself, so let’s discuss the ways you can do that now.

Put in the Effort

Friendships require effort to sustain, so make plans to see friends and show up. Be present when you’re with them. Support them with their wins and their setbacks. Share what’s happening in your life, even the difficult things, and invite them to do the same.

According to Shasta Nelson, a friendship expert and author of The Business of Friendship, friendships thrive on three elements: positivity, consistency, and vulnerability.¹⁷ And it’s important to point out here that consistency is different from frequency. You absolutely can preserve a special friendship with someone you don’t see often or who lives far away—you just have to be committed to meaningful connection points along the way. Schedule a catch-up call every few months, reach out when something reminds you of them, or send a handwritten note to celebrate a special milestone. Some of the best friends are the people you can have a conversation with after months or years and it feels like no time has passed at all.

Create New Relationships

It is possible to make friends as an adult, though it can feel harder. Among other reasons, you may feel nervous to socially approach people you don’t know as well or believe you don’t have enough time to develop a new relationship.¹⁸ Let’s remember the Bold Move we committed to in Chapter 5 is creating a moment of genuine connection with others. Initiate a conversation with the person you regularly see at the coffee shop. Invite your new colleague for lunch or a walk. Say yes to an after-work invitation even if you’re tired or you have planned to binge-watch your favorite show. Like most Bold Moves, you’ll have to put yourself out there and follow through without knowing whether it will lead to your desired goal—but the end result may turn out even better than you expected.

Know When to Let Go

As important as it is to spend time building friendships, it’s also valuable to know when to let go (and have the strength to do so).

While letting go can be incredibly difficult, focus your energy and time on the people in your life who show up for you. Someone once shared the idea that some friends are in your life for a reason, a season, or lifetime, and it is my hope that this idea helps you understand that not every friendship has to be for life—and that’s okay. I know it has helped me.

Every step of this Bold Move journey is for learning, and who you choose to take these steps with you can meaningfully contribute to your success and happiness. Prioritize people who value you, stretch you to grow, and bring you joy.

Now let’s move to the family you create for yourself.

YOUR PARTNER OR SPOUSE

Matt and I met when we were only 17. A week before high school graduation, I noticed him at a tennis club where he worked while I accompanied a friend. Though he and I didn’t speak at the time, we ran into each other a few weeks later in Outer Banks, North Carolina, where our respective high schools were vacationing for Beach Week.

Matt and I dated long distance all throughout college between North Carolina and New York City. We fell in love with each other just as we were discovering who we were as people—and who we wanted to become. During that time, we both became clear on what we wanted our (separate) careers to be, but one thing we didn’t make clear was how we were going to navigate them together.

I can still remember our first conversation (read: argument) about our careers as we applied for our dream jobs in different cities as seniors in college. It was the beginning of many, many discussions about how we would grow our careers while we grew our relationship, and eventually a family.

Matt and I are what is called a “dual career couple,” which is essentially when both people in a partnership have jobs. We (perhaps naively) presumed we would both have ambitious careers, but we didn’t initially discuss how this was actually going to play out. We hadn’t considered that having two demanding careers might require additional support at home, or that there are other options, such as some couples take turns pursuing their career goals and other couples choose careers with different or complementary work schedules. Multiple options can be effective for dual career couples, but the dependent factor is whether or not the couple designs the model together in a way that works for both people.

Today, Matt and I have built a framework that allowed us to create a life together that we truly love and careers we are incred ibly proud of. I’d love to share that with you so you can find what works for you, too.

Clarify Expectations

For you and your partner to create a model that works for both of you, you’ll need to have open conversations about your expectations for what you envision your life to be like and how you’ll make it work. Talking through your partnership could include your personal values, your short- and long-term professional goals, what you hope to accomplish in your career, and anything else you need to discuss related to what you envision for your life. How you’ll make it work details include which areas of the country or world could work (or not), how much business travel will be acceptable, whether you’re both going to work full-time or part-time, how you will handle money, childcare (if you think you may want to have children), which responsibilities are whose, and everything in between.

One thing I have to call out, though: be prepared to flex, and be willing to compromise in order to support both parties’ goals and dreams.

I’m fairly certain I said I would never move to Alabama—and yet we still ended up living there for five years while my husband pursued his doctorate. Situations like this can easily devolve into whose career is more “important.” (I felt like I was taking a step back in order for him to pursue his goals.) But when you’ve talked through and clarified your expectations together, it becomes easier to reframe almost any situation into an opportunity for both of you. (In our case, I eventually found a job that positioned me well for the rest of my career and worked for someone who would be one of my best bosses ever, Pam.)

Coordinate Schedules

In your commitment to continual conversation with your partner about time and priorities, I recommend establishing weekly or monthly meetings to look at your calendars and handle potential conflicts. There’s nothing quite like realizing you both have an early meeting or need to travel at the same time—the morning of. Technology can help you with these conversations by using apps to track your shared calendars and to-do lists and discussing who is best suited for which tasks at home. (You could even talk through money at the same time!)

Prioritize Time

Your time is limited, so spend it wisely. If something will pull you away from your family, choose activities that energize you and bring you extra joy. You’ll especially have to prioritize your time when you’re a caregiver. This means saying no to the opportunities that don’t serve you at the life moment you’re in, whether that’s the teacher-school association, nonprofit committee, or a gala event. Saying no to something allows you to say yes to what matters most to you—like the commitments you’ve made to invest in yourself.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you decide whether or not you should take on a new project or activity:

1. Does this use your superpowers and/or create new learning that you would value?

2. Will you feel this is a meaningful use of your time?

3. How will this affect your work and home life?

I’ve had to get very good at knowing what I want so I can proactively seek out those projects and say no to the many other invitations. Saying no to a project doesn’t have to mean forever. Know what your limit is at one time and revisit for the future.

Support Each Other

Research shows that power dynamics in a relationship can be a challenge when it comes to dual career couples.¹⁹ Household responsibilities often cause strife because they’re yet another thing that has to be done after a full day of work. Having open communication about roles and expectations can help avoid frustration and resentment. People tend to inflate what they do and minimize other people’s contributions in their minds. (This is actual psychology, not spouse science!)

Tiffany Dufu’s Drop the Ball and Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play are helpful books on how to communicate with your partner about what your priorities are and how to divide household responsibilities. Also consider what you can delegate or outsource, so you can focus on your best and highest use of time.

Supporting each other goes beyond the to-do list. It’s also about being present for each other. People have a universal need to feel heard, reinforcing the importance of active listening at home. Do not try to guess what the other person is thinking or why they’re doing something. (I am very good at writing a story, but it’s not always the right story!) Ask questions and listen. Proactively develop a plan together for how you and your partner will connect with each other, particularly if you have children with their own needs and schedules. For example, you may decide you’ll call each other on the commute home to talk before the rush of the evening obligations, you’ll spend the first 15 minutes at home talking through the day, or you prefer to wait until after the kids go to bed. After you’ve decided the timing that works best for you, make a point to listen to your partner’s stories and worries from work.

Outside of your evening catch-ups, which can be thwarted by work and family demands, schedule time for just the two of you, whether a recurring weekly date night or a shared activity. Matt and I exercise together several days a week and plan early morning dates at our favorite coffee shop.

Jennifer Petriglieri, a professor at INSEAD and author of Couples That Work, suggests that the most successful working couples both support and push each other. When you experience a setback or challenge, it’s natural to want your spouse to respond compassionately. On Harvard Business Review’s Women at Work podcast, Petriglieri references research that shows you also fare better when your spouse thoughtfully asks you what you plan to change about the situation and what you will do going forward.²⁰ They aren’t checking up to see if you did it, they’re encouraging you to do it—that’s what makes the difference.

Talk with your partner about how you can support each other in being your best selves. My mantra as a working parent: I’m doing the best I can every day. Your best self doesn’t mean perfect!

I’m fortunate to have an incredibly supportive husband who believes in me and my career as much as his own—and I know he can say the same for me. You already know your partner will be an important part of your life. Who you choose as your partner will be one of the most important career decisions you’ll make, too.

THE NEXT GENERATION

One of my mom friends reached out to me for advice on how to help support her child who was considering running for student government election. Her child was nervous that no one would vote for her and wasn’t sure it was worth putting herself out there. I offered to connect with my friend’s daughter, whom I’ve known since she and my son were toddlers. I wasn’t sure the young woman would want to take me up on the offer. I mean, she was a mid dle schooler, and of course, grown-ups don’t know all that much according to them. To my surprise, she said she would be willing to talk with me, and I was glad she did.

While we were on the phone, I asked her about the issues that were most important to her, why she was the best person for the role, and how she would serve her classmates well. She had well-formed answers and spoke with true conviction about why her voice matters. I was so moved to hear a young woman speaking about herself in this way.

I told her the story about what it was like for me when I ran for student government when I was in middle school. For weeks after school, I planned my campaign. I found a perfect walk-up song that had my name in it and designed earrings that read “Shanna for President.” On the day of the election, I stood on stage in front of hundreds of peers. I could barely see over the podium. I read my speech and played “Get a Job,” a song by Sha Na Na (the lyrics of the chorus sound like my name on repeat) on my tape recorder I had lugged up there with me. Though I could hear several kids laughing (and their jokes the rest of the day), I smiled proudly anyway. Later that day, I learned I didn’t win the election.

Here’s the thing: this story is the first thing I thought of 30 years later when my friend mentioned middle school elections. In my experience, it wasn’t the hurt feelings I remembered so much as the pride in my confidence to unabashedly pursue what was important to me, even at a younger age. I hoped that one day my friend’s child would feel the same way, whichever way the outcome went for her. As I recalled this story, I coached the young woman that this is a reminder of why you need to keep putting yourself out there, even if things don’t go as hoped or planned every time. Because you will have to continue to use your voice for what is important to you, even if others criticize you.

As we are on our own journeys to commit to putting our best selves out there with one Bold Move a day, it’s important to encourage this in our own children or children we care about. Here are four things you can do to cultivate the Bold Move Mindset in children of all ages.

Talk About Your Bold Moves

Explicitly share the steps you’re taking to make your own Bold Moves. Even before children can fully understand what’s required to get to that point or the potential risk of things not going as hoped, they’ll begin to create their own understanding of the roadmap for how to make Bold Moves through your storytelling.

Ask Questions About What They’re Feeling (Including Their Fears)

You don’t need to dissuade children from whatever they’re feeling, even if you don’t see it or don’t agree with it. Honor their feelings by actively listening, acknowledging their worries, and then ask open-ended questions to better understand where they’re coming from. When people feel heard, they’re better able to make good decisions.

Show Them What’s Possible

The reframe and mindset shift of “What’s the best that can happen?” works for children as much as it does grownups. Ask them to think about what could go well, encourage them to consider the list of their superpowers, and remind them of their strengths and ability to influence others.

I’m reminded of the story another friend told me about seeing her middle school daughter come downstairs in her mom’s Be Yourself Boldly T-shirt from my shop. When her mom asked about it, the young woman said that it was exactly what she needed for her theater tryouts that day, to remind her to put her best self out there.

Ask a Child About Your Career

Children can teach you, too.

In March 2020, my son, Eli, and I were out for a mother-son dinner date. It ended up being the last time I went out to dinner before the pandemic started.

In between conversations about March Madness, what happened on the playground that day, and how delicious the meal was, I asked Eli what he thought about my career.

It hadn’t occurred to me to do this until I was prompted by an author I mentioned earlier, whom I have also been fortunate enough to get better acquainted with over the years, Tiffany Dufu. During a coffee catch-up she and I had a few weeks prior, she asked me what was ahead for me, and I shared my thoughts. Then she asked me what my son thought. I remember being a little incredulous at this question. After all, my son was not quite 11 yet. She assured me she had done this often with her kids, even at younger ages.

In typical Tiffany fashion, she was so right. It ended up being one of the most meaningful conversations with my son—and I’ve looked back several times at the notes I secretly typed into my phone when he watched the last few minutes of the game on the restaurant TV.

The clarity of Eli’s response was breathtaking. He told me to keep working on my side career for two years, to increase the number of people I was reaching. He said that would help me know if I wanted to do that work full-time. I asked him how he would feel about me traveling more frequently again. He said, “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” Then he asked me to take him on some of my trips and I promised to.

Children truly are listening and learning, even when they don’t show it. So try this with your own children, or children you’re close to and who know you well. Ask them:

What do you think about my career?

What do you think I should do next?

What do you think is ahead for me?

Document their responses and the date so you can look back on this in the future. Children take cues from you and how you approach the world. When you model for them what it means to make one Bold Move a day for themselves, you will also find the motivation you need for your own.

• • •

Who you take with you on your Bold Move journey matters—both for your joy and for your success.