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Believe in Yourself

Believing in yourself is the foundation for how you will do everything in your work and life. Throughout your career, there will be people who try to undermine your confidence (knowingly or unknowingly), so it’s important to be clear about what makes you great, how to keep moving forward through challenges, and why you belong at any table.

Learning how to believe in yourself will be a lifelong process. As I’ve entered each new stage in my career, I’ve felt unsure of myself. Whether you’re starting your first job, are starting a new role at a new organization, have recently been promoted, or are returning to work from parental or any other kind of leave, it’s normal to feel uncertain as you navigate through something for the first time. This is also where your greatest growth opportunities will be.

Though you may be starting something new, it doesn’t take away all the things you’ve worked toward to get to this point. But it does mean you have to consider how to leverage all your experiences to bring the best of yourself to the situation.

In one of my first jobs as a development director at a university, though I had worked hard to get to where I was, I felt like I had to prove to everyone I deserved to be there. I also felt the need to prove it to myself. I held myself to unrealistic standards. For example, instead of recognizing this time as an opportunity to learn, I stayed late at the office working on projects, revising them multiple times, and sometimes even brought myself to tears in frustration when my work didn’t turn out right.

I learned the hard way in this job that when you focus on doing everything “right,” it undermines your confidence because things don’t (and won’t) always go as planned. I also learned that I needed to start asking for help. At the time, I didn’t think that was an option, because I was worried my supervisor and colleagues would think I wasn’t good enough or didn’t know enough. I didn’t want them to think I was a fraud for having this job, because deep down I felt like I was. Looking back, this was probably the time in my life when my self-doubt was at its worst.

Fortunately, I had a supportive boss, Pam, who provided guidance about how things were done while giving me a safe space to develop new ideas. She delegated important tasks to me and always took the time to thoroughly explain her expectations.

But she wasn’t going to figure it all out for me. I had to do the work, too.

After one particularly challenging situation with a colleague, I went to her to say I couldn’t work with that person anymore. I drew a line in the sand and expected her to fix it. Not only did she refuse to do that, but she also lectured me on what my job really was—to learn how to navigate things for myself and collaborate with others in order to succeed. I remember leaving her office and crying in the parking lot for a long time. I wish I could say I walked into the office the next day truly understanding the importance of that feedback, but I didn’t. Though I felt defeated, something did become clear: it would be up to me to lead myself and improve this situation, and that’s what I would do.

Even when you’re at the top of your career, you’ll still have to remember to do this. I know I did. As I navigated the challenges of being a senior VP, I made some missteps. When I first started, I relied too heavily on what had worked for me in the past and didn’t recognize that things were different in a new role and organization. If I had focused more on learning how to integrate the expectations of this new organization with my strengths, I would have brought my best self to work much sooner. During times like this when the little voice in your head tells you you’re not good enough, consider this: if you listen closely enough, there can also be another even stronger voice reminding you that this is exactly what you were made for. In those moments, which voice you listen to is your choice. You have the choice to be your own biggest fan. Because if you want others to believe in you, you’ll have to believe in yourself first. And believing in yourself doesn’t mean you have everything figured out; it means taking on a challenge anyway. Confidence is taking action to move you closer to your potential.

CREATE A STRONG FOUNDATION

Whether you’re in your first job, a first-time manager, or leading a company, remember you’re in your role for a reason. They hired you because they saw the strengths you could bring to the role. It’s important for you to see these strengths and reflect on what makes you distinctly special.

Whitney Johnson, author of Disrupt Yourself, calls the unique gifts that make you who you are your superpowers. I love the idea of having superpowers, just by being yourself!

Let’s spend some time reflecting on what sets you apart. This is not a time to self-edit; it’s a time to get to know yourself better. Whether you’re a journal person or not, what follows is an excellent way to help yourself answer this question.

Here are some prompts to determine your superpowers:¹

1. What compliments do you hear frequently?

2. What do your friends ask you for advice about?

3. What comes naturally to you that doesn’t come naturally to others?

Here, as an example, are my answers to the prompts:

1. What compliments do you hear frequently? I love connecting with super ambitious women who are at the top of their careers. I’m struck in nearly every networking conversation that people will thank me for truly listening to them and helping them think through complex situations they don’t often talk about, even with people they know well. At first, I shrugged this off, because I was being myself and genuinely wanting to understand another woman’s motivations and dreams. As I heard it again and again, I realized there was something here to explore—how few spaces there are for ambitious women to share their stories—and that’s part of what prompted me to intentionally create this space through this community.

2. What do your friends ask you for advice about? Friends often come to me to talk through challenging conversations at work: how to ask for a promotion or negotiate their salary, what to do with a difficult boss or colleague, or how to advocate for themselves. When your friends come to you for guidance on a specific topic, that’s a signal they see you as an expert from their perspective.

3. What comes naturally to you that doesn’t come naturally to others? I happen to have an excellent memory, which enables me to recall conversations, situations, or policies that others may forget or need notes for. To be clear, this is both a superpower and kryptonite, because I don’t necessarily want to remember all these details—and other people don’t necessarily want me to either! For example, I get frustrated when we talk about the same topics over and over in meetings, especially when we don’t move toward action. And my loving husband wishes I would not mentally track who did what.

I love doing this superpower exercise at different points in my life and career, because it really helps you understand how you can bring value where you are and what to do more of depending on your current situation. When you fully leverage your strengths, you bring goodness to the world—and more joy for you.

If you’re thinking right now, “I have absolutely no idea what my unique qualities are,” that’s a sign to dig deeper and get curious. Here’s the thing: these strengths come so naturally to you, you may not even notice them, unless you slow down to pay attention.

Maybe you have the ability to inspire others around a common cause, or you see what others overlook, or you thoughtfully analyze data to make recommendations. For more inspiration, go back through your “AttaGirl” folder and review what others have sent to you celebrating your great work.

Once you have clarified what your strengths are, feel confident in your abilities, and value what you bring to the world, you’ll start believing others when they start to recognize them, too. Learning how to graciously accept compliments when others acknowledge what you’ve done well builds your confidence and has the power to deepen relationships with others.

Let’s practice:

Colleague: “You killed it in the presentation today.”

You: “Thank you.”

That’s it.

It’s about time we all remember that “Thank you” is a full sentence.

Don’t deflect the praise because it feels awkward to get attention or you’re focused on the one thing you could have done better in the presentation. Don’t minimize your work because you think things like that are “just doing your job,” either. Instead, say “Thank you” and mean it. Recognize your own awesomeness, and be grateful that someone else saw it, too. You’ll help other women around you see how they can simply accept a compliment themselves, too!

Learning how to accept a compliment gave me freedom to celebrate what makes me special, and that was one of the greatest gifts I have learned and earned. And speaking of gifts, want to know another one? You don’t need anyone else to validate your amazingness. Don’t get me wrong, I will happily accept genuine recognition, and I do find that it motivates me. But learning to compliment myself gave me the power to believe in myself and be my best self.

And I want that for you, too.

OVERCOME YOUR OWN LIMITING BELIEFS

Even after you’ve created your strong foundation and start to truly believe in yourself, you will experience moments of uncertainty and doubting your own abilities. These feelings, though uncomfortable, are common.

Limiting beliefs can creep up at any stage in your career and in unexpected moments, such as the high points of your career. This happened to me shortly after I got a big promotion at work and headed to New York for an important donor visit, something I had done hundreds of times before. Except this time, I experienced a gnawing feeling that maybe I didn’t really know what I was doing and wasn’t ready after at all. I ignored it while navigating the train and subway to the meeting, focusing instead on how I wanted the conversation to go. Everything was relatively fine until the elevator ride up to the office’s fancy coffee bar, where I felt dizzy, and the negative voice grew louder in my head.

I had only a few moments before the bank partner would expect to meet me for coffee. Looking frantically around the lobby, I found a ladies’ room because I needed to quiet my mind. I recalled moments as a kid when I would feel unsure of myself or broken from rejection, and my mother would stand beside me and lift me back up by encouraging me to build my own self-worth. She would gently guide me to a nearby mirror and encourage me to look at my own reflection to remind myself I was worthy and deserved good things.

While I watched my own reflection in the expansive mirror, I grounded myself by repeating silently my new title and organization. Over and over, I said, “I am the director of major gifts at the Wharton School.” To be clear, I don’t encourage you to wrap yourself up so tightly in your title as the indicator of your worthiness, because you are so much more than your job. But in that moment, I needed to remind myself I had earned that role and I belonged where I was. Slowly I felt the negative voice get quieter. I walked into the meeting room and asked for one of the largest gifts I had ever asked for in my career—and I did so because I was the right person for the job and I was damn good at it, too.

There’s incredible power in having a mantra to rely on and help you refocus when you’re feeling overwhelmed or lost. It doesn’t matter so much what the mantra is, it just matters that it reminds you how amazing you are and what you’re capable of. Here’s one to get you started: “I will achieve things I didn’t know were possible.” “I will make one Bold Move a day” is another great one!

After my meeting that day, I called my best friend to recount both the highs and lows of the trip. She responded with empathy and shared a story about a time she had questioned her own abilities in the midst of a complex work project she had worked hard to get. It was a reminder that when you face self-doubt, you’re not alone. Share with a friend or mentor how you’re feeling. They’ve likely gone through this, too, and can relate to your experiences.

This can even be something you add to your list of questions for when you meet people you admire: ask them about a time when they felt less sure of themselves and what they’ve done to overcome those moments. Learning from others will help you remember you’re not alone and build your strategies to get back up again in the future.

Here’s the thing: You did the work to get where you are, and you belong at the table. Things don’t just happen to you. Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.

Make your one Bold Move a day. It is an excellent way to choose confidence and believe in yourself.

FACE YOUR FEARS

Once you’ve chosen to accept and embrace what makes you unique, the next step is to work through your fears—even while you’re still learning and making mistakes. Common fears in work life can include failure, not being good enough, being wrong, and disappointing others. I know this because I’ve feared all of these at different points in my career: I’ve focused on what I was “supposed to do” so I could be deemed “good enough.” I’ve gotten caught up in other people’s expectations. And I’ve let my fear of failure stop me from starting.

The reality is you can’t advance yourself and your career unless you’re willing to face your fears. To be clear: I’m not saying you have to overcome your fear. I’m instead saying you have to learn how to do the things while you feel afraid, so the fear doesn’t overwhelm you. This is where you level up.

You may try to ignore your feelings in the moment because it seems easier than dealing with them. But fighting or ignoring your feelings can lead to shame. While it may feel obvious to acknowledge you have fears, you have to first give yourself permission to feel them because this isn’t something you’ll find externally. Look within and ask yourself: What approval do I need from myself?

Asking this question creates self-awareness of your feelings. From there, you can get more specific about what you’re worried about. Naming your feelings gives you power over them. Thinking through where these feelings have emerged in past situations helps you get started. You may even write down what you can recall from those experiences. (For example, “When I presented an idea in the meeting last time, I got shot down by the managing partner. I was mortified and I could see everyone looking at me. I didn’t speak for the rest of the meeting.”) Your goal is to understand where these worries come from because that will give you insights into what you need to do to work through them.

You may unintentionally get in your own way by staying focused on what’s happened in the past, going all the way back to your childhood. I remember the feeling of politely sitting on the sidelines during games and activities as a kid, because I was too afraid to try something new. After all, new things are much harder to do perfectly, and I thought perfect was the only option. Because of this, I held myself back time and time again.

Here’s the thing: I still hold myself back at times. I overthink things or wish I could avoid them altogether, until I remember all of this is a choice. Fears can hold you back—or you can channel your energy to use your fears to help you move forward. The very act of feeling fear reminds you to be present in the moment you’re in.

We spend so much time picturing the worst-case scenarios. Good things are possible, maybe even the best things. Thinking about the best possible outcomes requires you to shift your mindset to consider why good things can happen to and for you. Expecting the best is more vulnerable than expecting the worst. Focusing on the worst-case outcome protects you from being disappointed when things don’t work out. You might even convince yourself you knew something bad would happen, so you prevented yourself from considering other options. When you limit your thinking this way, you also limit what’s possible for yourself. Ask yourself, “What’s the best possible outcome that can happen?”

But know that things won’t always be linear. You may feel comfortable asking for a raise, but not asking the server to fix your meal order. (Okay, that may just be me.)

Whatever it is that you struggle with, commit knowing that you’re worth what you are dreaming of—even if it’s as small as having mustard on the side of your meal like you asked for. Little things can be big things, and those little things can help you start somewhere.

Like most experiences, it takes practice to achieve a desired outcome, and one of the best ways to practice facing your fears is to make your one Bold Move every day. This builds your courage. It won’t always turn out the way you’ve planned or hoped—but it just might turn out even better.

BUILD RESILIENCE

I personally and firmly believe anything is possible. I show up at work and for others each day and lead with optimism and a belief that people I care about can do things they didn’t know were possible.

It’s easy to presume that someone who appears to have boundless positive energy wouldn’t get caught up in the little, everyday frustrations of work and life—or the big challenges we all face.

I’m going to let you in on a secret … I used to be a pessimist. If you know me now, that might really surprise you, but it’s true. When people ask, “Do you see the glass half full or half empty?” I used to (almost proudly) shout, “Half empty!” I could find the negative side of everything, even in a positive moment. When I was happy—and I definitely was happy often—I worried about being too happy, as if the joy might run out or something bad was bound to happen next. Now I see that this all probably related to having anxiety that I wasn’t willing to acknowledge or work on at the time.

Over time, I learned that the difference between a pessimist and an optimist is how you approach whatever your reality is. And once I realized that I was in control of my reality, everything changed. Even in the difficult moments, I stopped seeing barriers, and instead started to see opportunities.

Resilience means knowing how to rely on your inner strength and grow through your circumstances. It doesn’t, however, mean you won’t experience challenge.

In fact, I still feel rejection, frustration, lack of motivation, and disappointment (sometimes all in the same day!). But the difference now is that I get back up after that—and most times even more determined.

This is what I want for you, too. Here are four ways to build your resilience:

Focus on What You Can Control

When working through challenges, you may feel overwhelmed by your own worries. If this happens, a great place to get started is to write all of your thoughts down in a list. Consider each individual thought you’re having, and ask yourself, “Can I control this?” (For the record, you cannot control the future, other people’s actions or feelings, or outcomes, no matter how much you or I try). If you cannot control it, focus on what you are able to influence or change, including your mindset, effort, and actions. Resilience comes from focusing and protecting your energy.

After you’ve done that work, ask yourself “How can I best approach this situation right now?”

Change Your Perspective

One of the things you can control is your perspective. Though you cannot change what happened, you can choose how you respond. I once read about the importance of saying “I get to do this” (as opposed to “I have to …”). Though it’s a small nuance in the language, the messages you send yourself affect how you think and feel. Create a sense of autonomy in whatever situation you’re in by saying, “I choose this” or “I can change this.” View challenge as an opportunity to learn or problem to be solved, rather than an insurmountable obstacle or barrier. Also believe that good things can happen even in the most difficult moments. (This is the And Mindset in practice!) When you reframe something negative in more positive terms, you can change how your brain perceives the challenge.²

Offer Compassion to Yourself

How kind are you … to yourself? We often think about offering compassion to others, but research shows being kind to yourself strengthens your resilience.³ That’s because when you allow yourself grace, you also create space to iterate, innovate, and get back up stronger.

Being self-compassionate means holding yourself accountable and feeling motivated to achieve. You already know that disappointment and failure are inevitable, so you’re better prepared to face these difficult situations.

Lean on Your Loved Ones

Everyone experiences difficult moments in their careers and personal lives—and you shouldn’t have to face them alone. Asking for help is a sign of strength and resilience. Lean on the people you’re close to, whether that’s a colleague, family member, or friend. If you don’t have those people in your life right now, count on me. I believe in you and what is possible for you, even if you have forgotten this for yourself for just a moment. When you let others in, you model for them that it’s okay to do this for themselves, too. It will also give them a sense of purpose by being able to support you. If you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed, you may consider reaching out to a medical professional. There is no gold medal for trying to figure everything out on your own. Community and connection are at the core of being human, and we aren’t meant to go at life alone.

Building resilience won’t happen overnight; it takes time. And practicing the skills associated with bouncing back will help you navigate whatever challenges you face today or in the future—every single step is worth celebrating.