Chapter 6

Quiet Influence Strength #3: Engaged Listening

“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought and attended to the answer.”

Henry David Thoreau, Philosopher

Elisha Holtzclaw is a pediatric oncology nurse at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta at Scottish Rite. When talking with Elisha, it becomes apparent why everyone from the chief nursing officer to her peers rates her so highly; one described her as a “quiet soul with a great influence on patients.”

Elisha listens attentively and closely to patients and their families. Her calming presence and empathic, tuned-in approach encourages them to share their feelings and questions. The result? Elisha helps move them forward to make what may be the hardest decisions of their lives.

This anecdote demonstrates her tremendous listening skills in just such a situation. A young terminal patient was just a few weeks away from death. Elisha had become a trusted confidant to his mother as she traveled the course of his treatment. One day, in the outpatient clinic’s infusion room, the child slept after having received pain medication. In this private, quiet, dimly lit space, the mother sat in a reclining chair and Elisha sat on the bed, rubbing the patient’s leg to comfort him and listening to the mother to comfort her. Intently focused, Elisha looked into the mother’s tearful eyes and empathetically maintained a connection to her pain. The mom asked, “Be honest with me. I know that you will. Please tell what you would do if you were in my shoes right now. Would you go for hospice or press on for treatment?”

Elisha recollects, “I was as honest as I knew how to be, and I tried to picture myself in her shoes. I told her that if I felt my child was dying from cancer and suffering in pain, I hoped I could make the best decision. I explained how hospice can add to the comfort of home. He would have his family and me by his side without having to leave home. And when the time did come and he took his last breath, I would want to be right there and see him gain his angel wings and go peacefully in comfort.” The caring and compassion that came through in Elisha’s answer carried the mom through the impossibly hard decision to take her son home.

This heartbreaking story makes us think about our own ability to truly listen. Do you listen well enough to develop deep empathy with others? Through listening, do you, like Elisha, earn the opportunity to influence? To speak and be heard when your input really matters?

If you are like most people, you may not be nearly as good a listener as you might think. Studies show that poor listening is a leading cause of conflicts, misunderstanding, and low performance. And yet, those same studies demonstrate that listening is a vastly underrated skill.

That’s the bad news. The good news is that introverts—who, let’s remember, make up 50 percent of the population—are natural-born listeners. In fact, introverts are more likely to listen to and process the ideas of an eager team in a deeply engaged way. Introverted leaders actually influence their more talkative teams to achieve higher levels of performance than more extroverted leaders do, according to recent research.²⁰

Listening to words and “listening” to body language through observation help you learn about the people and situations you are trying to influence. Consultant and author of Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict into Collaboration Stuart Levine suggests that by truly listening “You allow each person to get their story out on their table, define the problem space, validate everyone’s position, and reveal everyone’s interests.”²¹

That openness and validation set the conditions for trust. Quiet Influencers like Elisha listen their way into trusted relationships. Because they tend to effect change from a place of trust, Quiet Influencers work hard to earn that trust and don’t take it for granted. They are unlikely to use their position of influence for short-term gain because they know they are in it for the long haul. Quiet Influencers reject bait-and-switch influencing tactics and avoid promising results they cannot deliver. They are driven by their internal convictions and are uneasy with tactics that could jeopardize the deep relationships they have worked hard to develop. For all these reasons, they put Engaged Listening at the top of their to-do lists.

As an introvert, your Engaged Listening strength can be leveraged to make an impact on people and processes. When you take the quiet time you need to prepare, you ready yourself for the challenging task of truly listening. Through listening, you may gain a much deeper understanding of the situation at hand and then choose to return to Preparation. Fine-tuning your Engaged Listening skill will also help you increase your total QIQ because it enables effective two-way focused conversations (Quiet Influence Strength #4) and can lead to insights that you can carry forward in Writing (Quiet Influence Strength #5) and Thoughtful Use of Social Media (Quiet Influence Strength #6).

Engaged Listening and Influence

Engaged Listening contributes to your QIQ and your ability to influence by helping you to increase your understanding of situations, deepen your empathy, gain credibility, and build engagement.

1. Increase Understanding of Situations

A primary way to bring in information and insight, Engaged Listening helps you understand what’s going on around you: what people are thinking and feeling, threads of themes, and even what key pieces of the puzzle might be missing. Quiet Influencers often find that the process of asking open-ended questions and then listening to the answers without judgment surfaces important clues to influence. When carefully tuning in and listening to others, you can pick up ideas to help you plan your next steps and influencing approach.

Melinda Gates, head of the Gates Foundation, has been listening to women in Africa for a long time. A May 2012 Newsweek article described her approach to visiting foundation-supported vaccine programs in sub-Saharan Africa. “Gates would often ask women at remote clinics what else they needed. Very often, she says, they would speak urgently about birth control. ‘I was just stunned by how vociferous women were about what they wanted,’ she says. Because of those women, Gates made a decision that’s likely to change lives all over the world: she decided to make family planning her signature issue and primary public health priority. ‘My goal is to get this back on the global agenda,’ she says.”²²

Ann, the senior paralegal introduced in chapter 4, said, “It’s amazing that when you listen to a group of people together in a meeting, you can really tell a lot about them.” In one particularly contentious project meeting, she listened carefully in order to learn who the dominant players were and how they interacted with others; Ann kept that knowledge in mind when meeting with them individually and was well prepared and confident. Her subsequent approach was critical to winning them over.

2. Deepen Empathy

When Quiet Influencers like Elisha in the opening story show empathy, they listen in a way that lets people feel truly heard. Empathy is the ability to understand the thoughts, feelings, or emotions of others. When you demonstrate empathy for the people you want to influence, you truly understand them as human beings; their motivations, aspirations, joys, worries, and points of pain. You are also able to understand their points of resistance and why they hold onto the positions they do. Empathy building and engaged listening aid in developing a connection between people, and they set the stage for further helpful conversations.

Tricia, a young engineer, was frustrated that an older man she worked with named Ken had little interest in revamping a purchasing process to make it run more efficiently. She was not making much progress in getting her ideas heard until she decided to bring some empathy into the situation. When she listened to Ken with her whole self, she realized that he was being driven by a fear of change and a concern about learning new technology. After gaining this awareness, she was able to inspire Ken to move forward by addressing each of his concerns.

Because of their tendency to be great observers, introverts have exceptionally alert radar for picking up on subtle cues about a person’s deep feelings. The best Quiet Influencers simply have a knack for learning to read and interpret a look or a shrug. In preparing to portray the role of Nelson Mandela in the film Invictus, actor Morgan Freeman studied Mandela up close. “You have to watch and listen,” he explained. His close observation felt, in his words, like a “direct transfusion from the man himself.”²³

Quiet Influencers can even develop a type of telepathy with another person. Elisha hypothesizes, “Because I am quiet and a good listener, the other person can feel what I feel.” From her point of view, such empathy contributes to less static and clearer communications, and it ultimately opens up pathways to inspire others to move forward, even with the most difficult decisions of their lives.

3. Gain Credibility

Listening to people in an engaged way and taking their words to heart are important in effecting change. For instance, when you make a commitment to research a concern and then actually get back to the person with your response, you increase your credibility with that person and other people they impact. Building credibility is a process that happens one intentional action at a time.

Tran, a trainer for a government agency, wanted her class of engineers to step out of their comfort zones and to be open to some new leadership approaches. First, however, she needed to gain “street cred” with the group. Why would they listen to her when, in their minds, she knew little about what they did on the job? Tran approached this obstacle by asking for written input at the end of each day of her five-day class. Her targeted questions yielded helpful input. Simply listening to their needs demonstrated her sincere desire to learn more about their situations and where their management skills were faltering. Before the start of each session, she read the feedback and asked for even more clarification to help her zone in on the topics to emphasize in her class. This engaged listening process built Tran’s credibility with the students. They were very receptive to learning and gave the class unusually high marks. Moreover, they went back to their teams with new, practical approaches they could apply immediately. Tran had made a difference in their leadership performance.

4. Build Engagement

Although influence is sometimes about changing thought patterns, it is often about inspiring others to move forward and take specific action. Others will only take that step when they are engaged with your idea or truly desire the change you present. Much has been written about how to build engagement, and you can find solutions that can be quite complex. Quiet Influencers know that the simple act of engaged listening is often what transforms their personal goal into a shared goal that others want to achieve as well.

In press interviews for The Introverted Leader, I found that many reporters wanted to talk about their personal experience with introversion instead of asking me questions about my point of view. When I tuned in to them instead of sticking to my talking points—when I listened and encouraged free-flowing conversation—they inevitably wrote excellent well-thought-out stories that reflected our deeper dialogue and posed new, more provocative questions.

Ironically, a powerful tool for influencing people is silence. Often, a person will talk themselves out of a wrong decision without the listener saying a word. Or as Ben, a department store manager, finds, others—especially extroverts—will often reveal information they would normally not reveal simply because he’s not saying anything. He finds this approach particularly useful as he conducts hiring interviews: applicants will frequently share information about their style of working and interests when he listens. This extra insight helps Ben place them on teams where they will be most motivated, engaged, and successful.

How to Use Engaged Listening
in Order to Influence

Although there are countless resources that aim to teach listening skills, these introvert-tested tips will help you develop your Engaged Listening skills and raise your QIQ. They fall into four categories: create the right conditions, serve as a sounding board, ask questions, and go beyond words.

1. Create the Right Conditions

Slow down Because of your naturally quiet temperament, you may not need this reminder to slow down and really listen. But chances are you work in a typical organization where things are revved up and due yesterday! This pace may force you to become distracted when you are attempting to tune into a person. You also may move more quickly and adopt some nonproductive behaviors such as interrupting others or rushing a conversation to a quick conclusion. You can be an island of calm amid this storm of activity. Remember that giving others the time to reflect and respond in meetings, conversations, and even in casual chats is a gift that will yield great benefits. Others will feel heard, and you will feel yourself return to your natural pace.

Get face to face Arrange a quiet place to listen and show up prepared to focus. Try to identify a setting or activity that will help someone open up to you. By making the time to convene in a relaxed environment, you not only get to read the other person’s body language and voice, you also demonstrate that you care about what the other person has to say. Face-to-face meetings are particularly critical when you are trying to effect change or make a difference. It is helpful to do this at the start of a project to begin building relationships early on. Global teams that function well often make an effort to get people physically together in the same room at least once a year.

Remember also that live conversations don’t always need to be scheduled; they can also happen though serendipity. Steve Jobs often took impromptu walks with key contacts. Wall Street Journal reporter Walter Mossberg wrote that Jobs revealed some of his deepest thoughts and feelings during these unplanned times.²⁴

Use technology to listen to multiple viewpoints Pose questions to dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of people at the same time through a webinar, a format that offers an excellent opportunity for listening. Your audience’s immediate responses, either through spoken words or through answers to instant polls, let you gauge the “temperature” of the group and get a handle on shared concerns and issues. Their questions can also be enlightening and reveal new areas for potential influence. Although such technology doesn’t get you face to face with people, you can learn to use it to improve your influence by better understanding what’s going on in situations and by building engagement through interactivity.

2. Serve as a Sounding Board

Just be there Let the other person speak—even “vent”—without giving advice or otherwise interrupting. When you do, others feel heard, are able to sort out their own thoughts and feelings about a situation, become clearer about issues, and thus figure out what steps they need to take. You have invited them into a place from which you can then inspire action. Vinay Kumar, the coach mentioned earlier, said, “Many people bare their souls.... I am their safe space where they feel truly heard and understood. And frankly, I don’t do much except listen and ask questions. The answers generally surface in due time.”

Paraphrase Reflect back what you hear when you listen. Be sure to say it in your own words and don’t parrot exactly what you hear (repeating their words sounds condescending). The very act of summarizing what the other person has said or articulating thoughts in a different way helps you process the information more fully. This also allows you to demonstrate your increased understanding and portray your empathy. Just as importantly, you find out if you have heard the information as it was intended. Often a misinterpreted word here and there can morph meaning, so by paraphrasing throughout the conversation, you avoid disconnects down the road.

Add value After listening quietly, help the person move out of inertia and toward action. Share ideas, connections, and resources that come to mind. As an introverted assistant dean of a liberal arts college, Dr. Walter May finds that engaged listening lets his students know he is concerned about what they think and feel. It is from this trusted foundation that he influences students, particularly those in trouble. He explains that students “unload traumatic stuff, and I gently guide them toward the services they need.” Case in point: a student named Akela had missed more than ten classes over the course of a semester. Through listening to her story, Walter came to understand that Akela was suffering from serious depression. By the end of the conversation, Akela trusted Walter enough to agree with his suggestion that she see a counselor. This major step presented the breakthrough that helped Akela move forward toward eventual recovery. Through engaged listening, he has built trust with so many students that they often contact him years after they have graduated; a data point that his boss calls “proof of his influence.”

3. Ask Questions

Prepare questions in advance Go into listening situations with a set of questions in hand. Introverts tend to prepare their questions before meetings, presentations, and conversations. Take Juan, for example, an introverted plant manager from South America, who transferred to the United States to manage a growing chemical facility. As part of his development, he went through a 360-degree feedback assessment process during which his customers, managers, peers, and direct reports provided perspectives about his strengths and weaknesses as a leader. After the results came in, Juan met with the groups who had participated in the survey. Before these meetings, Juan had made a well-thought-out list of questions designed to help him better understand the feedback. By asking these questions and seriously listening to the answers, he was able to see what he needed to keep, stop, and start doing. Juan’s willingness to listen and inquire with intent helped him gain stature and influence with his team and upper management.

Use open-ended questions Gain more insight with questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Open-ended, well-crafted questions yield richer information and allow you to hear the speaker’s unique perspective. Most of the best open-ended questions begin with how or what. Answers to these questions provide the information and deep understanding you need to make a positive impact and move people forward. Jane, the program manager at the CDC, says that she pulls out quieter team members by calling them by name and then posing open-ended questions such as, “Tom, what do you think of this?” In this way she showcases the person’s expertise within the group.

Identify a new line of inquiry Through your questions you can influence the trajectory of a conversation. Jane also finds that a group explores new paths of discovery when she listens carefully and asks the right questions. Sometimes, she builds a bridge between two participants in order to let their experience and needs guide the direction of the discussion. She may say something like, “So Bernard, you have been in a similar situation to Fernando. Will you share the lessons you learned?” Writer Sophia Dembling said that in her role as a reporter she finds that interviewing is all about listening to the implications of words. It is not just listening to what others say but also about “what question comes out of it.” By really listening, she might find a “whole different and intriguing tributary to take.”

4. Go beyond Words

Read their nonverbals Observe the person carefully while you are listening. Nonverbals—the signals people send through their eyes, facial expressions, and body—contribute strongly to the overall message they send. Vinay Kumar, the executive coach, says, “I listen with my whole body, not just with my ears. I listen less for what is said and more for what isn’t said. Without intentionally trying, I capture emotions, body language, tone, and undercurrents. All that combined tells me lots more than just what the person is saying through words.” When you see or hear mismatches between what is being said and how it is being said, ask a question to bring focus to the disconnect. When he picks up clues of discomfort from body language, Josh, the operations manager, asks questions such as, “I know you are committed to the timeline, but I see that you look somewhat puzzled. What questions are still on your mind?” Such questions will allow you to probe deeper in order to gain a fuller understanding of where the roadblocks to influence lie.

Be aware of your own Engaged Listening presence Tune in to your own nonverbal signals in addition to observing the eye contact and body language of others. Such signals combine to form your Engaged Listening presence. If you show that you are truly listening, people will feel comfortable opening up. Quiet influencers at Xerox have taught Ursula Burns, the CEO, the importance of having a poker face. She has “tempered outspokenness and calls herself the ‘listener in chief.’” She knows that by being a receptive listener she encourages innovation and ideas from her employees.²⁵

Hear voices Notice when another person’s voice goes up or down, or when his or her speech gets faster or slower in discussing different topics. By tuning in to someone’s voice, you are able to understand his or her message at a much deeper level. In her instructive and inspiring book Full Voice, Barbara McAfee states that when you learn to align what you say with how your voice and body say it, you also become a better listener who taps into “what people are saying beneath and between their words.” She calls this “deep listening” a “rare and precious skill... that transforms both speaker and listener.”²⁶

Overuse of Engaged Listening

Sometimes, listening too much can stifle your ability to influence. If you are truly listening, you are not, by definition, talking or doing anything other than tuning into the other person. There are times when you can have a greater impact on situations and people by not listening quite so much. The overuse of Engaged Listening can have four negative impacts on your ability to influence: loss of credibility, conflict avoidance, unproductive conversations, and unheard ideas.

1. Loss of Credibility

Asking questions as part of engaged listening certainly helps you gain information and build relationships. Yet in some organizations and cultures, asking too many questions can contribute to a perception that you don’t know very much or are not confident about what you do know. Ultimately, you may even lose your ability to share your opinion. At one workplace, Jeremy would consistently ask questions like, “Would it make sense if we tried doing such and such?” He rarely made a statement that put forth his opinion or took a stand. Needless to say, when he did feel strongly about something, most people tuned him out because they were so used to his tendency to never state an opinion.

2. Conflict Avoidance

Listening with empathy is a great way to be supportive. But too much empathy can actually impede action because it can lead to the avoidance of conflict. Soon Lee, an introverted web designer, admitted she, like many introverts, steers clear of conflict. Yet in her line of work, the seeds of creativity are sown in the conflicts that bubble up when artists interact. Though Soon spent a considerable amount of time showing empathy in order to understand the viewpoint of others, that meant she rarely expressed her unique point of view. This hesitancy contributed to the perception that she didn’t have much to contribute. In discussing the low rating on her performance review, Soon Lee’s boss told her that by not challenging others and focusing so much on making them feel heard, cared for, and comfortable, the department was missing out on her different point of view. Her contrary and unique approaches were needed to create alternative solutions and the best web design ideas possible.

3. Unproductive Conversations

Finding the balance between Engaged Listening and speaking is also tricky, especially if you are a strong introvert who would rather stay silent. When you are a great listener, people feel comfortable talking to you. They may continue to talk on and on, rehashing the same ideas without getting anywhere. It is, however, difficult to solve a problem when the only person talking keeps talking about the problem and not about solutions. As the “listener in chief,” you need to make sure that person you’re listening to does not become a “venter in chief.” If you don’t ever ask questions that move toward solutions, you enable others to stay stuck in the problem. When Leila, a quiet customer service representative, senses that it’s time to move on from venting, she states what she’s heard, then suggests next steps for her and the person to whom she is listening.

4. Unheard Ideas

To build engagement around an idea that comes from your head, you need to speak as well as listen. Engaged Listening is indeed a great way to collect opinions and needs. But you also need to verbalize your idea or proposal so that people know how to engage with you. If you remain silent, that never happens. In order to inspire others to move forward with your idea, opinion, or advice, or to bring about a change you want to see, first solicit ideas through observing the situation, asking questions, and listening to the responses. Then take the next important step: state your unique point of view and opinion and share your compelling vision. The world deserves to hear it.

Your Next Steps

Even though Engaged Listening, like other strengths, can be overused, it remains one of your most valuable Quiet Influence tools. As an introvert who naturally tends to listen instead of talk, you will significantly improve your influence when you maximize Engaged Listening to the fullest degree. Because Engaged Listening feeds the strengths of Focused Conversations, Writing, and Thoughtful Use of Social Media, it is a prime way to increase your QIQ. To get started, first consolidate what you’ve learned in this chapter. Here are five points to remember:

1. Observe body language and tune into voices to understand the message beneath the words.

2. To help you develop a deep understanding of the people and situations you are trying to influence, make an effort to get together face-to-face.

3. Giving others the chance to reflect and respond is a gift.

4. Engaged Listening engenders empathy, establishes credibility, and builds engagement—all of which help form the trusted relationships necessary for influence.

5. In addition to listening you also need to verbalize your idea or proposal so that people know how to engage with you.

Next, listen to yourself as you answer these questions:

1. How did someone who truly listened to you impact you? What Engaged Listening skills did the person use? How can you use similar Engaged Listening skills to influence someone else?

2. Who in your circle of influence could you listen to more to gain key knowledge or insights? Can you prepare three key questions to ask during an upcoming focused conversation?

3. How can Engaged Listening help you with the influencing challenge you listed in chapter 3? Could Engaged Listening help you develop empathy with a person involved in that situation? What could you listen for to learn more about the situation?

As important as it is, Engaged Listening is only one tool in your Quiet Influence toolbox. You need to be able to use it to understand positions, draw out people and through interaction and active dialogue move your ideas forward. That means going beyond Engaged Listening to Focused Conversations, the subject of the next chapter.