Chapter 1

Stop Trying to Act Like an Extrovert

“Lower your voice and strengthen your argument.”

Barbara McAfee, Author and Singer

Did you know that ...

The best ideas often emerge in the depths of solitude?

Writing a persuasive email may move a project along faster than a standard conversation?

Listening for what is not said is more important than listening for what is?

Quiet Influencers—those people who make things happen without in-your-face techniques—learned these lessons through experience. Like ripples in a pond they deliver a big impact without making a loud fuss. When introverts need to be influencers, they focus on careful thought and depth. There isn’t much fanfare or much noise. In their quiet, humble way, introverted influencers make sure that the people they are hoping to impact get the message. Yet they are frequently overlooked and underestimated by organizations and colleagues who buy into the idea that talking reigns supreme.

If you are an introvert, chances are that you’ve tried to influence others by mirroring your more outgoing colleagues. My guess is that such an approach isn’t working for you: it’s exhausting, unsustainable, and ultimately ineffective. Contrary to what most books on influence will tell you, the answer isn’t about becoming the extrovert you aren’t. I believe, however, that you will become a more effective influencer when you stop trying to act like an extrovert and instead make the most of your natural, quiet strengths. By sharing specific stories and tips from successful Quiet Influencers, this book will show you how to identify, magnify, and apply those natural strengths so that you can make a big difference without making a lot of noise. You will discover how you can acknowledge your internal energy, tap into its wisdom, and thoughtfully engage with the outside world.

The Roadblocks to Quiet Influence

Certainly, the louder extroverted approach dominates the workplace today. That approach, which negates the natural tendencies of more than half of the population, sets up roadblocks to Quiet Influence. Do any of these roadblocks resonate with you?

1. Focus on Teams

Back in the 1980s, corporations jumped on the teams-produce-results bandwagon, and the group approach proliferated, bringing us today’s reality: professional work most often necessitates teamwork. Your supervisor may be called your “team leader,” and your work group is likely called a “team.” Our workstations are arranged so that we can sit with our teams, we do most of our work in “team meetings,” we generate ideas through brainstorming, we strive to meet team objectives, and most people are not hired until they have interviewed with all members of the team. For introverts, this team-heavy approach presents a problem. Not only does being intertwined with others deplete their reserves of people energy, it also takes them away from the physical and intellectual space, where they do their best thinking. If you are an introvert, you know that need to be alone to reflect and create. There is so much pressure that introverts talk about escaping to “bathroom solitude.” In fact, in a survey I conducted of one hundred introverts, four out of five said they “suffered from people exhaustion.”² With this pressure to be engaged with people all day, Quiet Influencers have a hard time finding the quiet time and preparation to hatch their plans.

2. The Need to Talk about Accomplishments and Ideas

In most organizations, sharing your accomplishments contributes to your personal “brand.” People come to know you and appreciate the value you offer because you’ve talked about yourself and what you’ve done. The problem is that those folks who don’t “brag on themselves” (i.e., most introverts) often find themselves unwittingly out of the loop. If they don’t have a boss who seeks their input, showcases their talent, and enhances their visibility, they are often left behind. Today’s corporate cultures do not reward humility. This characteristic restraint often results in being overlooked. Introverts have great ideas that go unheard. In group settings, they may show up with smart solutions, yet can’t seem to find an opening in which to share them. Even in one-on-one conversations—especially with extroverts—they have trouble interjecting their ideas and being heard. Because these quiet people haven’t talked themselves up, they tend to fly under the radar, and few extroverted colleagues think to draw them out to share their ideas. The introvert therefore finds it difficult to get people’s attention and use that attention to influence situations.

3. The Pressure to Act Extroverted

Many Asian cultures deeply value the ability to not show much emotion. Western workplaces, however, barely tolerate expressionless faces or quiet people. It seems that to fit in, you have to be animated and verbal. Not your style? Too bad. To succeed, you have to fake it.

Oliver Goldsmith, the 18th-century Irish writer, described a character by saying, “On the stage he was natural, simple, and affecting. ‘Twas only when he was off, he was acting.” Introverts often express a similar feeling. They “act the part” of being happy, sociable, and expressive even when they are feeling quite different. Susan Cain, the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, refers to this pressure as living up to the “Extrovert Ideal.”³ One Quiet Influencer describes small talk at business events as the sounds of “competitive egos.” When she joins in she feels inauthentic.

Yet challenging the status quo and inspiring others to move forward takes a willingness to show your real self to others. Introverts find their influencing efforts impeded when others sense they are difficult to read and when they themselves are exhausted by the pressure to be “on.”

4. Making Quick Decisions

From answering a question in a meeting to responding to an overnight email from a customer, today’s environment pressures people to make quick decisions. Many workplaces value instant responses over well-thought-out ones that take a little longer. The speed of technology and an increasingly competitive global climate have revved up the pace of work. The time to ponder a sticky problem from various angles has evaporated. The “what if” questions and the chance to go back to gather more data before deciding are gone. The people we are trying to sell our ideas and products to want results now.

Unfortunately, introverts once again get the short end of the stick. They are frustrated when they are unable to slow down the decision-making process. They are not able to take the needed time to process decisions in their head and do the necessary preparation to yield the best results. Others then often label them as “slow” and behind the curve, and they find it difficult to be treated with the respect they deserve. While they are pondering decisions and analyzing the situation, they often fail to pick up the cues that they are about to be left behind. Their “delay” often costs them the opportunities to influence the decision.

5. Lowered Privacy Boundaries

Similar to unwanted probing at social events, social media sites like Facebook pile on the pressure for us to open up our inner selves to the outer world. The lower privacy boundaries create an uncomfortable climate for introverts, who like to get to know someone before baring their soul. They contend with the notion of TMI (too much information) on a daily basis.

Savvy introverts know they need to build relationships to influence others. They simply want to get to know people slowly instead of jumping right to the personal stuff. The pressure to share and connect every day at an accelerated pace stresses them out, depletes their energy, and challenges the very relationships they are seeking to build on their own terms.

6. Being Talked Over

Of all the roadblocks to Quiet Influence, being talked over is the one that seems to frustrate introverts the most. In the talkative climate of Western society, interruptions abound. If an introvert speaks quietly or takes a pause, others jump in and steal the stage. Even if an introvert is speaking at a normal volume, eloquently expressing an idea he or she has fully developed before offering it, extroverts are likely to interrupt. To the extrovert who tends to think out loud, the interruption is merely a way of building off of the introvert’s good idea. To the introvert, the interruption is like a blanket that silences his or her voice. Introverts’ ideas cease to be explored by the group, and they tend to surrender to the opinions of the loudest person in the room. The result: introverts are demotivated and less inclined to float new ideas.

Moreover, introverts feel pressure to participate in the interruption game. Many introverts from Asia comment that they hear two competing voices in their head: their parents saying “be polite” and their boss telling them they need to “speak up” and interject their comments in meetings. This instruction creates a deep conflict for introverts who prefer to marinate their thoughts, taking advantage of a pause in the conversation not to speak, but to think. Not only do they face the frustration of being talked over, but they are encouraged to impose a style on others in a way that fights with their very nature.

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If these roadblocks sound familiar to you and invoke feelings of frustration, know you are not alone. You are simply an introvert stuck in an extrovert-centric world. Instead of trying to avoid these roadblocks on the extrovert highway, take a more direct, efficient, and enjoyable route. Embrace what you do naturally and see greater results. Other introverts have done it: they are out there delivering the next possible cure for cancer, the answer to global warming, and the fix for education. You can do it too.

Characteristics that Shape Introverts

Hopefully you’re getting the message that you don’t have to be an extrovert to be a great influencer. You can succeed by embracing your introverted nature. But what does the term introvert really mean? It’s a term many people throw around these days but few people really understand.

Let’s start with a fundamental question: When you need to recharge, do you tend to want to be alone in a quiet place? If you answered yes, you’re likely an introvert.

Technically speaking, introversion and extroversion are terms that refer to personality traits and are about sources of stimulation and energy. Although extroverts recharge by being with people and participating in high-energy events, their introverted counterparts draw energy from within. Just to clarify: shyness is different than introversion. Shyness is a product of fear or anxiety in social settings, whereas introversion is simply about a source of energy.

This basic tendency to find energy from within comes out in these observable characteristics of introverts. See if any of these resonate with you:

Embrace solitude Introverts need and want to spend time alone. At work, they prefer quiet, private spaces and like to handle projects on their own or in small groups.

Think first, talk later Introverts think before they speak. Even in casual conversations, they consider others’ comments carefully and stop and reflect before responding. They know how to use the power of the pause.

Hold emotions inside Introverts are seldom outwardly emotional or expressive. They can be difficult to read and thus their feelings are frequently misconstrued.

Focus on depth Introverts seek depth over breadth. They like to dig deep—delving into issues and ideas before moving on to new ones. They are drawn to meaningful conversations as opposed to superficial chitchat. They know when to tune into others and when they don’t need to spend so much energy doing so.

Let their fingers do the talking Introverts prefer writing to talking. On the job, they opt for email over the telephone and are likely to prefer writing reports over giving presentations.

Act low-key Introverts are usually quiet and reserved. They tend to speak softly and slowly. They have no desire to be the center of attention, preferring instead to fly below the radar. Even in heated conversations, they tend to project calm on the outside.

Keep private matters ... private Introverts are anti-“open book.” They keep personal matters under wraps, sharing information with only a select few; even then, only after they know those people well and feel a level of comfort with them. They can be equally cautious about work matters and stay quiet about their ideas and alliances.

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These traits are not good or bad; they just are. Unfortunately, in modern society, they are frequently misunderstood, undervalued, and underappreciated. Certainly, they are not usually identified as key drivers of influence. Yet ironically, these traits are precisely why introverts often make the best influencers of all—even in a world that has, until now, assumed that you had to make a lot of noise to make a lot of difference.