“Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.”

—Epictetus

If we stop and think about it for a second, the discovery meeting is by far the most important client meeting. It lays the foundation for the relationship, creates expectations, and is the first step in forming a deep understanding of a client's objectives. What I have come to realize is that too often this process is rushed, creating a multitude of missed opportunities to truly understand the dreams of this prospect. We all want to gain trust immediately. And this first meeting is all about gaining trust. Without trust, you will not move forward. The quickest way to gain trust is to compress time. And you do that by being fully transparent, and asking compelling questions. You put everything on the table. You avoid coming across as a robot; you're human, you've made mistakes, and you acknowledge that you don't know it all. In short, if you want your clients to open up, you must open up first. Avoid judgment. Create a safe environment for people to open up without judgment or sarcasm. Additionally, think of the discovery phase as a never‐ending process. The team can always learn something new about the client. The relationship between an investor and his or her money is complex, private, and, in many countries around the world, completely secret. The best advisors break down barriers in their clients' minds and persuade them to express their dreams and fears while also encouraging a deeper level of trust in sharing what money really means to them.

In Chapter 1, I discussed how communication is the most important tool we have in creating strong trusting relationships with clients and colleagues. Successful advisors devote a lot of time to continuously improving this important skill set. The best communicators say more with fewer words, are active listeners, and ask thought‐provoking questions. Let's face it—people in general have an attention span of two or three minutes. I usually make the assumption that people are not listening; therefore, I am reminded to work hard to make sure my point is getting through. For me, one of the biggest factors in identifying whether someone is trustworthy is their ability to listen. In other words, is a person who listens more and talks less more trustworthy? If you think about it, it makes sense. Sometimes those who talk a lot seem like they are trying to sell something, whether it be an idea, point of view, product, or something else. The following discovery diagram should serve as a guide to help you stay focused on the discovery process.

If the ability to communicate effectively is a successful advisor's most important tool, listening is the most significant component and, for many people, least developed part of communication. Truly listening takes energy, empathy, maturity, and a high level of emotional intelligence. During the discovery meeting you and your team should be talking 20 percent of the time and listening the other 80 percent. This is not the meeting to showcase your platform and your investment philosophy. That happens in the second meeting. Yes, you are also trying to impress the prospect on what you can do for them, but don't go overboard; a vendor does that, not a true professional wealth manager.

As I mentioned in Part One of the book, ancient Greek philosophers can teach us a lot about communication. From Aristotle we learn that if you want to persuade someone, whether it's your audience or your clients, you need to first show your character (ethos); second, reveal your emotions to make a personal connection (pathos); and third, prove your logic (logos).

Your ethos is defined by how credible and trustworthy you are. Demonstrating one's ethos through action is more powerful than simply talking about one's character.

Pathos provides the emotional connection, sharing your authentic self. When you reveal something personal about yourself or share your dreams, hopes, aspirations, or worries, generally the client will open up as well. Relationships are shared experiences. As robo‐advisors begin to play a greater role in our industry, our emotional connections can make a big difference in our client relationships.

Our logos is the part of ourselves focused on logic, data, and process. For example, we use our logos when we present evidence of historical returns to make a point about investment performance.

This three‐pronged model works. In fact, it's stood the test of time for over 2,300 years. The best advisors know how to weave ethos, pathos, and logos into their conversations. A team that engages all three components in their client conversations can be very powerful because one person can be the relationship builder while the others can execute the technical aspects of wealth management.

Going Deeper Than “Cocktail Talk”: Intuitive Listening

Our culture loves conversation that doesn't mean anything. Most often at a cocktail party, all you hear is a loud buzz. Most of this conversation doesn't amount to anything. People are trying to outdo or impress others, and most of it is superficial. The people attending the party aren't necessarily shallow, but they are following the unspoken rules of what a cocktail party is supposed to be. More often than not you leave with a big headache and the need for aspirin.

But you don't have to get involved in meaningless cocktail conversation with clients or coworkers. You can engender trust by giving people insights into who you are. Try being yourself: be open, vulnerable, and deep. If you have the courage to let people see the real you, they will start to trust you. Have the courage to care, be warm, be emotional (but not overly emotional) and make people feel special.

Deep down most people want to deal with real people. Being real means admitting your failures as well as your successes. Being real also means sharing sad moments alongside the happy ones. You cannot fake it. Your body language, eyes, and voice tell your story.

Emotional Intelligence Matters

Although logic and discipline are critical to being an advisor, they can sometimes get in the way when you don't use the other side of your brain to connect with clients on a more emotional level. Clients care a great deal about the numbers. But it is what the numbers mean in terms of their overall goals, life, and future that ultimately matters to the clients. That means the presentation is often as important as, if not more important than, content. To put it more simply: how you say something is just as important as what you're saying.

Use Your Soft Skills

One of the greatest distinctions between leaders and managers as well as high‐performing advisors versus average advisors is the ability of leaders to inspire people on a consistent basis. You can't inspire others if you are not inspired yourself and you cannot inspire yourself if you do not invest time and effort into developing your emotional intelligence.

Research indicates that emotional intelligence is what distinguishes outstanding performers from average ones. The best advisors know how to ask emotionally based questions. The perception may be that advisors are good at talking, but the best advisors appear to ask high‐quality questions derived from being an attentive, active listener. These advisors understand that a connection with a client starts as a meeting of the hearts, before becoming a meeting of the minds.

Psychological research also suggests that advisors with a high level of emotional intelligence are likable, trustworthy, and competent. They have a great ability to take complex information and explain it in a compelling and simplified manner. They are great storytellers and that makes them effective communicators. People remember stories and metaphors much more intensely than the seventh point on slide #47 of a PowerPoint presentation. Such emotional intelligence is vital to having a successful discovery meeting.

Compelling Questions Make a Difference

A key part of a discovery meeting is asking questions that allow your clients to tell you their story—not the story you want to hear, but the story that's important to them, that will help you understand what you need to do to help them succeed. You elicit this story with personal, open‐ended questions:

• You've been very successful.  What are you most proud of  ?
• What are you hoping to accomplish over the next 5 to 10 years?
• How would you describe a comfortable retirement?
• How do you spend your free time? What are you passionate about?
• Do you think you will be responsible for one of your parents or in‐laws at some point in the future?
• How much longer do you believe you will work?
• From a financial point of view, what concerns you most?
• How would you describe a reasonable return based on your risk tolerance?
• Is there anything we discussed that needs to be clarified?

Clearly, these are not questions that center around value versus growth styles, or that analyze different pie charts or asset allocations. Those communications are important and will eventually happen, but the emotional component of the relationship helps build a meaningful dialogue that can allow you to weather volatile markets, as well as helping your clients achieve their important goals.

Successful advisors work hard to understand their clients from the beginning of the relationship. Waiting until the market is down 20 percent may be a painful lesson. Beginning that process from the very beginning and building it steadily and constantly over the long term makes having those hard conversations, when they come, easier.

Milestones Matter

There are certain defining moments that occur in building and deepening every client relationship and you must be acutely aware of these moments and seize the opportunities that they represent. If you are an active, intuitive listener with an organized business and stay connected with the client's changing life, you can build a meaningful rapport that endures over many years.

Life‐changing events for a client can include those that are business‐related (promotions, relocations, reorganizations), family‐related (births, deaths, anniversaries), or just ordinary (holidays, annual events)—but are all the more meaningful because you've acknowledged them.

You know you have arrived when something major happens in your client's life and you are one of the first people to receive the news. You are now a trusted advisor and part of their inner circle. What an honor, and how special is the responsibility that comes from being this close confidant.

Seven‐Step Discovery Process

The skills discussed earlier—communication, being an intuitive listener, emotional intelligence, asking compelling and thought‐provoking questions—all come together for the discovery meeting. The meeting itself is a seven‐step process, but the first and most important step is establishing your potential client's trust and respect.

1. The location of the meeting should be comfortable and in a nice‐looking space with lots of natural light. You may want to rethink artificial flowers or plants. Your first few sentences should acknowledge why this meeting is taking place—to explore working together. Seat the prospect at the head of the table. Always have water or coffee in the room, with some cookies, fruit, or pastries. Someone should meet your clients in the lobby when they arrive. After all, this is not a doctor's office—the waiting time should be zero.
2. Explain how long the meeting will be, and walk through an agenda. Stop regularly and see if they have any questions.
3. Introductions are very important—introduce the team with enthusiasm and briefly include everyone's title, role, experience, and so forth, in plain English, no acronyms or “Wall Street” jargon.
4. Have a guide in front of you (the diagram in this chapter) but don't use it to read off one question at a time like you're checking off a list. The Q&A should have a conversational feel. The prospect will pick up on what is not being said, body language, eye contact, and so on, as much as you will. However, someone on the team should take copious notes.
5. Your goal is to build trust and to quickly assess if you and your team can add value. Is this a good fit for your business model? Can you meet or exceed expectations? Don't try to be all things to all people. In the long run you both lose.
6. Get a commitment for a next meeting. Explain what you will focus on in the next meeting. Remind them of your consultative process and that you're in the business of building long‐term, mutually beneficial relationships.
7. Always give the prospects the last word. Make sure they have had all their questions answered. Make those emotional deposits. Give them some marketing material and walk them to the elevator, or better yet their car. The small things I keep talking about.

Since this meeting is the most important meeting between client and advisor, I'm going to highlight the most common mistakes that I have seen over the years. Regardless of the channel, here are some of the mistakes:

• You're not well prepared for the meeting. You can Google anyone.
• You don't understand their world. If they are a business owner, do you understand their challenges?
• You talk too much, but don't ask the right questions. Dig deeper by peeling back the layers.
• You don't introduce (or provide poor introductions of) the rest of the team members and your handoffs to them are poor.
• You use too much industry language.
• You are unaware of how body language, facial expressions, and tone and rhythm (yours and theirs) affect the energy in the room.
• You allow the client to lead the meeting, and as a result the meeting is not as productive as it should be.
• You forget the saying, “Don't judge a book by its cover.” Don't be so quick to draw conclusions regarding who you think the client is.
• You make too many assumptions regarding what the client is saying and what you're hearing. You forget to peel the onion. For example asking follow‐up questions, what do you mean by that? Please tell me more.
• Missed opportunities to genuinely recognize the prospect for their accomplishments or what they are most proud of.