CHAPTER 14
Afterword
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
— BILL COSBY
In the middle of writing this book, I was digging through old files and came across notes I had written to myself. The notes were an effort to process some leadership issues I was facing at the time. This was in the same period that I mentioned at the start of the book, when I felt as though everyone wanted a piece of me and I was driving full throttle and simultaneously building the car. Filled with frustration, the words were hard to read. I wanted to reach through time and give myself a come-to-Jesus shake to say, “Give yourself a break! Enough with the self-flagellation! Just do this, this, and this—and it will be fine.” But of course, 15 years’ worth of learning takes, well, fifteen years. I had to earn this hindsight. I have a sneaking suspicion that a few years from now I’ll have a similar experience about something I’ve done more recently. And so it goes.
Presence is ever elusive. Beware of people who claim they’ve got it all figured out. It’s a work in progress, a jumping-off point, the residue from a lifetime comedy of errors. Improving our presence takes humility, faith, courage, and a healthy sense of humor. We are all learners at this party. I hope I’ve created a book that shows you where I am: right beside you, and learning all the time.
In fact, presence is underscored by a confident commitment to openness and learning. As the proverb goes, when the student is ready the teacher appears. Now that you have embarked on this journey, you’ll see mentors everywhere you look. You’ll find yourself observing others differently, with a new set of distinctions about what makes someone else charismatic or motivating—or neither. This act alone will help you strengthen your presence. You’ll not only apply concepts from the book, but you’ll see how others use them in real time.
Presence must be carefully balanced with a strong sense of who you are at your core—your authentic self. When we try to be everything to everyone, our presence is like a reed in the wind. When we try to do everything, we face exhaustion and risk a mental shutdown. It’s vital to pick the parts of presence that you can leverage, the parts that excite and inspire you to do better and be more. A strong presence is, after all, the best version of you.
One of the aspects of coaching that I love most is bearing witness to other people’s truest selves, when they are most authentic, real, and engaging. Coaching isn’t an environment where it pays to hold back. Clients discard the subterfuge and present raw issues right beside their own pent-up emotions about solving them. Together we create a mix of new thoughts and behaviors. I see presence at its purest and fullest, and then I hold my breath, hoping that the other person can keep it out in front, when professional life has a thick mask right outside our door just begging to be worn. After all, the connection and trust found in a coaching relationship are rare in the workplace. But just imagine what would happen if they were pervasive.
After working with top leaders for the past couple decades, I am often referred to as an executive communications expert. I’ve worked hard to build a reputation for making executives more successful, and I’ve been honored to apply my ideas and skills to benefit others—many in positions of considerable influence. I’ve had to be vigilantly intentional about role modeling a presence that’s confident, unflappable, and poised, or I wouldn’t have been able to build a profitable business. Readers who have worked with me may be surprised at the behind-the-scenes stories. The fact is, I’m not a presence expert; I’m an expert presence learner. I’m continuously gaining new insights and applying them. It’s interesting how these presence concepts work in an ongoing virtuous cycle. As I wrote the book, I once again had to use the very same tenets of I-Presence: to be intentional about writing an accessible book, to build individual connection through trust and empathy, and to inspire through a vision and clear communications. I hope I succeeded.
Since I first made a declaration in January 2010 that I was going to document my experiences with executive presence, there have been more moments than I could count when someone has asked me for a resource such as this book. The struggle that professionals face to better themselves in this area shows no signs of abating. To me, this is a good direction for leadership. Executive presence is the corporate “it” factor for a reason: We need to be stewards of our organizations and to win over hearts and minds rather than take them for granted or consider them as afterthoughts.
Whenever I hear someone say, “My boss suggested I work on my executive presence,” I also hear the subtext, “It’s recognized in my organization that presence is important and can be learned.” Leaders who choose to focus on their presence are sending an indelible message that connection is the path to greatness. When you inspire and motivate, your influence creates a self-perpetuating cycle of new possibilities for others. Who knows where it ends? We’re all fortunate to be part of it, even if in a small way.
I wish you the best of luck, and excitement and reward, as you go forward from here. While presence itself is open to interpretation, here are a few pieces of advice I know for sure will help you on your path to strengthening it.
Pay attention. The simple act of noticing your own behavior and that of others, in a deeper way, will create an ongoing focal point on presence. When someone inspires you (or fails to), take a moment to understand why.
Maintain a sense of humor. Learn from your mistakes, and learn to laugh at them, too. Remember, things are rarely as bad (or as good) as you think they are.
Be brave. It’s hard to extend yourself by trying new behaviors, especially when failure can mean public embarrassment. Summon the courage to be uncomfortable. You won’t get anywhere by playing it safe. Put yourself out there.
Go easy on yourself. No one is perfect, and yes, that includes you. You’ll notice 90 percent more of your mess-ups than anyone else will. Smile, and keep going.
Don’t get hung up on doing the right anything. What works for one person can bomb for someone else. Presence is your personal essence; it’s a unique composite of behaviors. You’ll encounter many people who will tell you that you must do it their way. Keep an open mind. But if it feels foreign to you after trying it a few times, skip it.
When all else fails, walk tall, keep your head up, and look people in the eye. In nearly every aspect of our lives, my grandmother’s advice endures.
Kristi Hedges
October 2011