6 Big Mistake
Not Making Appropriate Small Talk
Talk low, talk slow, and don’t talk too much.
—John Wayne
How many times have you been in a situation in which you couldn’t believe what someone was saying to you? There are too many times when people make assumptions about others and offend without realizing that they’re doing so. Also, building rapport in business does not mean telling everyone your personal information.
Do your research. Know who you’re talking to and be careful if you do not. Be prepared with topics to discuss so that you can engage in a meaningful conversation. Ask “how,” “what,” and “why” questions to learn more about the other person and keep the conversation going. Clearly, rapport is not about “putting someone on the stand.” It is more like a tennis match, going back and forth. It is about being genuine and authentic, and realizing that finding common ground builds long-term relationships. Some good ice-breaker questions and topics are:
“How did you get involved…?”
“Tell me more about…”
“What are some of the challenges you face?”
“What do you enjoy most about…?”
“When did you start…?”
“How did you prepare for…?”
“What’s next for you?”
Some examples of topics to discuss are:
Career background.
Achievements and goals.
Hobbies and leisure activities.
Community involvement.
Entertainment (favorite movies and books).
Current events (as long as they are not controversial).
Family (as long as the other person brings it up first; do not get too personal).
Remember that just because you are a good talker does not mean that you are a good small talker. It takes practice and a willingness to learn about and enjoy other people. Let go of the anxiety over what you have to say and become interested in others. It is amazing how important a person feels when someone is interested in them.
Best Practices
Certain topics will definitely come up at some point while you are holding conversations with others. Your depth of discussion on the topic should be based on your relationship with the person. At the same time, keep in mind that while you think you may have a good rapport, strong opinions on a topic can harm a business relationship. Avoid getting into discussions on the following topics:
Politics.
Religion.
Sexism.
Racist or ethnic comments.
Sexual orientation.
Salary.
Gossip.
Negativism.
Private matters.
Private family matters.
Giving too much personal information.
Giving an overabundance of detail.
Interrogating rather than conversing.
Interrupting the other person.
Complaining.
Trying to “one-up” the other person.
Glancing around the room while someone is conversing with you.
(You can find additional tips for making small talk in You Did What? The Biggest Blunders Professionals Make.)
What if a colleague wants to engage with you on these topics? The following dialogue examples can give you ideas on how to disengage in the situation:
Conversation 1
Fred: |
Kim, what do you think about the president and his stance on what is going on right now? |
Kim: It’s really interesting. |
I’m staying away from that topic! (And then change the subject to something like, “How was your weekend?” or “How is that project going?”) |
Conversation 2
Rosa: |
Kerry, did you hear about what was going on with the head of sales and the head of marketing? |
Kerry: |
I didn’t, but office politics can get very interesting.” (And then change the subject to something like, “Let’s talk about the performance of brand x. It looks like it is doing really well.”) |
Using the phrase “that’s interesting” helps ease the tension and keeps the other person from feeling uncomfortable. At the same time, it is a connector to help you change the subject.
Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions
If someone were telling me the same thing I’m telling them, would I think it was appropriate?
Is this person really interested in what I am saying?
Am I going to regret saying this at a later date?
To finish up the thoughts in this chapter, we look to Bernardo J. Carducci, who has some good thoughts on this topic. In his book The Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk: How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere About Anything, he states: “Small talk is the starting point of all relationships. Although by calling it small talk, we actually perpetuate the notion that it is trivial and unimportant. Further, it is the cornerstone of civility, as it enables contact, which discourages mistreatment of others. Many people think small talk is an innate talent. It is, in fact, an acquired skill. There is a structure and there are rules of engagement. Once individuals know the basic structure and rules for making small talk, connecting with others can become less intimidating.” (Pocket Guide Publishing, 1999)