9 Big Mistake
Lack of Awareness of Communication Stallers and Stoppers

What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.

—Abraham Maslow

Have you ever heard of stallers and stoppers in business? Stallers and stoppers are characteristics or behaviors that can stall or stop his or her career. In two decades we have trained and worked with more than 100,000 people. In many of our sessions we ask participants what behaviors make them “shut down” to the point at which they do not want to work with the other person. This chapter focuses on the top answers we repeatedly hear.

“The negotiations were going great until Kruger decided to ‘Go Negative.’”

Negativity in the workplace is toxic and should be managed. However, individuals often don’t know they are being negative. After interviewing 100 of our clients specifically about how they “hear” negativity from their colleagues, we chose some of the statements that they interpreted as negative and examples of how these statements could become positive. As you read the adjacent chart, think about what you say and how it could be interpreted.

Negative Statement	Positive Turnaround
I can’t do that.	I can do that.
I don’t know what you’re referring to.	Help me understand what you’re referring to.
I don’t think that happened.	Remind me of what took place.
I can’t take it.	I will handle this.
I knew this would happen to me.	I am prepared to navigate this change.
I don’t know what the real issues is here.	Let’s agree on the real issue.
I didn’t do it.	We need to create a solution.
It is so annoying when people ask stupid questions.	I am happy to answer any questions.
She always does that.	I see a pattern in what she is doing.
He never does that.	I would like to see more of…
This is so unfair.	So where are we?
I can’t believe this place.	It is an interesting place.
He is so obnoxious.	He is unique.

Other Communication Stallers

Interrupting

“If a is success in life, then a equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”

—Albert Einstein

When we ask people what behavior drives them crazy, interrupting is one of the most common answers. Interrupting can halt all communication. It makes other people think that you do not care about what they are saying. In turn, when a person interrupts, they have the ability to halt opportunities and the chance to build relationships. There is nothing worse than trying to say something and someone else either finishes your sentence or interrupts you with something they think is more important.

Best Practices

Never assume what someone is going to tell you.

Approach every conversation with the thought that you are going to learn something new.

Focus on what the person is saying, not on what you are going to say next.

If you like to give advice, stop thinking about what you are going to say and make sure that the person actually wants advice and is not just venting.

When the person stops talking, wait three seconds to make sure they really are finished.

Many times a customer is telling you exactly how they want you to sell them, and if you are listening, you will know how to close the deal.

Do not interrupt other people in meetings; it’s a bad reflection on you.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

How do I feel when someone interrupts me?

When someone else is speaking, am I listening or am I waiting anxiously to start speaking?

Do I wait until someone has finished speaking before I join the conversation?

Talking Too Much

“The less said, the better.”

—Jane Austen

Good conversation should never be misinterpreted as good communication. When someone asks a direct question, generally they are looking for a concise and direct answer. In the business arena, it is important to stay focused on the business at hand and not to be overly communicative about issues that have no bearing. Even in social settings, when people talk too much, other people cannot get out of the conversation quickly enough.

Best Practices

Always be interested, not interesting. You will always seem more interesting when you are interested in the other person.

If the other person keeps looking away, you are probably not holding their attention.

When you start to notice glazed-over eyes with no reaction to what you are saying, stop talking.

If the other person has not said anything for at least five minutes, they might be thinking about other things.

Focus on the other person’s body language. If they are not looking at you, nodding, or leaning forward, you have lost them.

Keep personal conversations to a minimum unless in an appropriate environment.

Keep personal information to a minimum.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

Has the other person said anything in the last five minutes?

Am I being as interested as I am interesting?

How do I get back on track when I realize I have gone off on a tangent that is of no interest to the other person?

Being a Know-It-All

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

—Theodore Roosevelt

There is a difference between knowing a lot and being a “know-it-all.” How do you know if you are a know-it-all? Have people ever referred to you as a “smart aleck”? If you know everything about everything at all times—or so you think—you may be one of these people. Remember the Johari Window? It is time to get feedback from someone you trust. Being so smart all the time is actually holding you back. No one wants to be with a know-it-all; it’s draining, and most of us stop listening. You cannot reach your communication goal if people are not hearing what you have to say.

Best Practices

Remember that there is a time and a place to share what you know.

Be a listener.

Take notice of whether or not people are asking you to contribute to the conversation.

Ask questions.

Find a mentor who can help you learn to listen and practice empathy.

Stop letting your ego get in the way.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

Do my friends and family joke that I am a know-it-all?

Do I find myself taking up more than 80 percent of most conversations? How can I make that no more than 50 percent?

When do I have the opportunity to practice changing my behavior?

Being Unfocused or Not Paying Full Attention

“I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention.”

—Diane Sawyer

No one wants to be discounted. When we do not focus on the other person, we are not only discounting them, we are also making a very crucial communication mistake. When we do not focus on the conversation at hand, we destroy trust. When we are fully present when communicating, we build trust. It starts at a handshake. When shaking someone’s hand and using direct eye contact, you build immediate rapport. On the flip side, when you are distracted and looking around, the other person feels discounted. Staying focused is a communication and rapport-building skill that can build long-term relationships.

Valerie Jarrett plays a lot of roles. She is the president’s closest personal adviser, the first couple’s friend, and the chief liaison for the White House. Through the years, Jarrett has given their nonsupporters the cold shoulder; however, she has realized that this may not be the best course of action for changing opinions. Jarrett actually made an announcement to an audience at the White House that they have to be better messengers and that the administration was now open to any and all conversations and comments.

Jarrett’s message is poignant: no matter who you are and whether or not you agree with the person talking, being open and engaged increases your communication effectiveness.

Best Practices

On the Telephone/Cell Phone

Stand up, turn away from your desk, and focus on the conversation.

If it is necessary to take notes, do not start doodling; stay focused.

Do not start working on other things; the person on the other end will be able to tell.

Stay engaged or end the conversation before you end a good business relationship.

Meetings

Put down everything and focus.

Have a pen in your hand only if you are taking notes on the current conversation.

Do not use your phone; put it on “do not disturb.”

Close the door if necessary and do not allow any interruptions.

Go into a private conference room if necessary.

Make eye contact.

Do not have sidebar conversations with your neighbors.

Do not make eye contact that could be perceived as negative to other meeting participants.

Keep your body language engaged; do not start fidgeting.

Stay focused on the conversation or agenda.

The more respect you give to other people, the more respect you will receive.

Networking

When shaking hands, make direct eye contact.

Listen and focus on names so that you can use them and introduce others if necessary.

Do not look over someone’s shoulder to see who else is there.

When there are many people in the conversation, don’t have side conversations with one or two people in the group.

Follow through on what you promise; this will let others know that you are reliable and were listening to them.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

When I am trying to get someone’s attention and they do not stop what they are doing, how does that make me feel?

When someone is talking to me, do I stop everything else I am doing to focus on the person? If not, what effect do I think that has on our relationship?

What are some things I can do that will make every person I am speaking to feel valued?

Being Defensive

“When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.”

—Thomas Jefferson

Have you ever felt your blood pressure rise when someone said or did something to annoy you? Or when someone confronted you about something you did? Defensive behavior usually surfaces in situations where conflict, pressure, or threats are present. Usually a red flag goes up in our minds when we feel attacked, manipulated, judged, or reprimanded.

Generally our ability to think clearly and be rational is compromised while in a defensive behavior mode. It is so easy to react. The hard part is thinking about how your reaction can affect your credibility.

Always take the high road, even when someone puts you on the defensive. This behavior will command respect. Remember that many times their intention is to tell you how they are feeling. If you are on your A-game, you will ask yourself, “What can I learn from what they are telling me? How can I grow from this?” We make mistakes when we think we can’t grow from a situation and are more concerned about our ego than the real message.

Best Practices

Become more self-aware.

Know what your hot buttons are.

Try not to react or be overwhelmed; breathe.

Realize that you can walk away, think about what has just been said, and deal with it later when you are more rational.

Stop and say, “I hear what you are saying.” This allows the other person to feel heard.

Use clarifying statements, such as: “Let me see if I understand you correctly…” or “I want to make sure I am hearing what you’re saying…”

Don’t keep talking and telling; ask questions to gain clarity.

Let your ego go; it’s all right not to have the last word.

React in a way that commands respect and credibility.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

How do I react when I hear things I disagree with or have a different opinion about?

What do I do when I read someone else’s defensive behavior?

How can I communicate while I am feeling defensive?

Words That Detract

Have you ever been in a situation where someone used inappropriate words, dialect, examples, or stories, and you just wanted to cringe? Unfortunately these things can stick with us and may affect how we perceive working with that person.

We have all done this. Sometimes we don’t even realize what we are doing or saying. Based on the listener’s experiences and education, our words can speak volumes.

Some terms have actually become acceptable words because of high usage. The bottom line is that people who know the appropriate usage know when a word is being misused, and it can affect their perceptions.

The following table provides some examples of words or pronunciations that are incorrect, as well as more appropriate words to use instead.

One Step Back	One Step Ahead
Gonna	Going to
Wanna	Want to
Irregardless	Regardless
Etiqwett	Etiquette
Gimme	Give me
Totally	Absolutely
Aks	Ask
Yous guys	All of you
Yeah	Yes
No problem	Of course
Overused words:    Okay    Really    You know	Replacements for overused words:    Pause    Listen    Nod
Vulgarity and curse words	Eliminate all vulgarity and curse words from your vocabulary.
I’m doing good	I’m doing well

Best Practices

Ask a mentor or friend what words they notice you use a lot.

If people say things like, “That’s your word,” take a hint.

Record yourself when doing a presentation or leading a meeting.

Pause; become comfortable with quiet gaps.

Use nonverbal gestures.

Read more and become acquainted with new words.

When you don’t understand the meaning of a word, look it up.

Ask yourself if certain pronunciations you grew up with are holding you back in your professional life.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

What are my comfort words when I am filling gaps of quiet space?

What words do I overuse? If I don’t know, who can I ask?

How do I eliminate these words?

Filler Words When Presenting

Have you ever attended a presentation where you knew the presenter and were astounded by how a seemingly articulate person cracked under pressure? The colleague who speaks clearly and is respected by his or her team members stammers and stutters, and interjects “um” and “uh” in every other sentence. Why does this happen?

There are many “filler” words in English for when we don’t know how to continue in a sentence, such as “hmmm,” “er,” and “like.”

In general, when speakers say these filler words or perform filler actions (such as licking their lips), they do so subconsciously. They make these sounds or do these actions at a transition point when they are getting ready to move on to another topic or offer an example. The simple act of switching from one topic to another demands a transition, and when one has not been determined by the speaker beforehand, the subconscious fills in. So, for some, it is a less-than-articulate “uh,” and for others, it is scratching the head. In either case, the behavior can be stopped.

The best way to eliminate filler words and actions is to substitute one behavior for another. So, at points of transition or whenever you feel the need to inject a filler, simply pause. Take a deep breath and gather your thoughts. The pause that seems so long to you is actually a welcome respite for your audience. They, too, need a break in order to concentrate.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

What slang or filler words do I use over and over again?

When other people speak, what do I notice?

What can I do to eliminate fillers and casual words from my professional life?