13 Big Mistake
Not Adapting to Different Communication Styles

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

—Albert Einstein

In today’s corporate environment, we are missing an opportunity to better connect when we do not recognize and adapt to different communication styles. We allow ourselves to get frustrated with how other people handle situations, time lines, and conversations. To be most effective, we must realize that people work at different speeds and in different ways.

“Why must we always communicate? Why can’t you just listen to me?”

Let’s explore the normal behaviors that we see on a day-to-day basis. We all have natural communication tendencies that can change based on the situation and the environment. Would you agree that some people dominate a conversation and some sit back and listen? Some want all the specific details while others are thinking about who is going to be involved and not wanting to leave people out. Some want to control the project and others want to take a backseat because they do not know enough. Some people are like chameleons, and we are not sure how they like to receive communication because they tend to be very flexible.

There are many assessment tools available that analyze personality styles and provide insight into who we are and how we handle everyday situations and dealings with other people. The key is our own self-awareness. When people are not self-aware, it is very difficult to adapt. After we are self-aware, it is critical that we figure out how other people like to communicate and adapt.

The following examples provide an opportunity for you to think about knowing yourself, reading others, and adapting. Keep in mind that you will likely see a little of yourself in all of these people. You may also find yourself relating to some more than others.

Joe: Just get to the bottom line.

Let’s talk about Joe. Joe is a get-it-done kind of guy. He tells it like it is, he always wants the bottom line, and he does not like small talk unless he is the one making it. He focuses on accomplishing tasks as quickly as possible. He seems to procrastinate because he has a lot on his plate, and he thrives on the challenge of getting his work done in the nick of time. His desk is messy while he juggles multiple tasks. When asked, he knows where things are, or at least he makes others think he knows. Joe is direct and does not avoid confrontation.

At times it seems as though he does not care about others’ feelings because he is so focused on the task rather than the person. Some people would even say that Joe thinks it is all about him. He is really confident and can be intimidating at times. Joe has to be in control. On the other hand, it is fun working with him because of his energy. He loves taking risks. Joe is an asset to the team because he is a visionary who gets things done.

How do you deal with Joe? Here are some best practices:

Stay focused on the bottom line.

Get to the point quickly.

Don’t give him all of the details unless he asks, and even then be brief.

Always give him an executive summary with the support information behind it.

Openly admire how well he did a project.

Tell him when you need his help and time rather than asking when he has the time. He never has the time—he’s busy.

Listen when he is talking and nod to show you are listening.

Caveat: Joe may not always be task oriented, but when he is working on a project or has a deadline, he definitely seems more focused on the end result. When he has time, he seems to not be as abrupt. This is good to know about Joe. Being aware of where he is in his day and what he has going on helps you figure out how to adapt to him.

Sally: It’s all about the people.

Sally works with Joe. Sally is a real people person who is very enthusiastic and energetic. She loves to know what is going on with everyone and everything and likes to feel included. In fact, when she is not included, she seems to get upset. Sally gets to work early to ensure that she is seen and has time to chat with her friends. She is impulsive, taking on any new project she is asked to be a part of, and she hates to say no. Yet finishing the tasks is a different story because she has too much going on all of the time. She loves generating ideas and looks at the people and fun factor of any project. Routine tasks seem tedious and mundane to her.

Sally is the first to say hello in the morning and greets everyone she walks by during the day. She will call or e-mail multiple times because when she has a question, she wants to know the answer right away. Unfortunately, she tends to leave her notes at home. Sally sometimes gets herself in a bind because she likes to gossip. Yet when someone gets angry with her, she gets incredibly upset because she wants everyone to like her. Sally is an asset to the team because of her people skills.

How do you deal with Sally? Here are some best practices:

Take the time to get to know Sally on a personal level. For example, start by asking her about her weekend.

Keep Sally in the loop and include her in meetings.

Ask for her ideas.

Allow her to provide input.

Show interest in her work.

Do not just send her e-mails; invest in face time or time on the phone when possible.

Allow her to work on new projects.

Caveat: Sally may not be as chatty at times. She may either seem like Joe when she is really busy or she may get really quiet and listen to what everyone has to say. Sometimes you are not sure what mode Sally is in and you really have to pay attention. You realize that this may change based on the time of day or what is going on in the office.

Jeff: Steady as it goes.

Jeff is the peacekeeper of the bunch. He does not like to rock the boat at all, although he will if it is necessary. Jeff is concerned about how things affect the team. He likes to make thoughtful decisions and carefully examine all of the ramifications of each decision. Jeff likes to take time to process his thoughts. Everyone in the office knows that they can go to Jeff when they need someone to listen. He always has the patience to hear them and does not need to add his two cents. Jeff is very accommodating most of the time. He does seem to get upset when he has too much on his plate and does not feel that he can finish the job in the specified amount of time. Jeff is methodical and consistent. Jeff is definitely the most interested in how well the team is functioning together and making sure everyone is included when necessary.

How do you deal with Jeff? Here are some best practices:

When possible, make appointments with Jeff rather than interrupting his work.

Show respect for his caution in making decisions. He will generally need time to think things over before he makes a decision.

Make decisions with him collaboratively.

Have mutually agreed-on deadlines.

Show a genuine interest in his personal life.

Understand his need for team input. He does not like to make decisions without being collaborative and weighing all of the options.

Show sincere appreciation when he does something for you.

You may have to ask him a couple of times what he thinks about a situation because he will not want to rock the boat.

Jeff will not “wing-it” or impulsively do something. He likes to do things correctly and takes his time to make sure everything is lined up before he jumps into a project.

Caveat: Jeff always seems methodical. Sometimes, he seems more concerned with the details than anything else. At times he seems better at making decisions than others are at making them. It may get annoying because he wants collaboration. Jeff sometimes seems to care an awful lot about what people think of him while at other times he is less concerned with that and more concerned that you are all “doing the right thing.”

Cheryl: It’s all about the details.

Cheryl is in the accounting department. She is all about facts, quality, accuracy, and details. Cheryl does not have a lot of time to discuss personal issues with her coworkers. Her privacy is important to her. When she arrives in the morning, she gets to work immediately and does not have the time or the interest to engage in chitchat. Cheryl works hard to make sure that her work is of the highest quality, so when she gets criticized or critiqued, she is not happy. However, she is quick to criticize others when she feels that someone is not doing their job well. When given a report that lacks sufficient detail, Cheryl feels that it is a waste of her time to read it. She consistently asks her coworkers to fill in the details so that her analysis can be more thorough. Cheryl is task oriented and very diplomatic. She really does not enjoy working with people who are outwardly passionate or enthusiastic. She would prefer the facts in a concise manner.

How do you deal with Cheryl? Here are some best practices:

Focus on the facts.

Don’t get into your personal issues unless you have a strong personal relationship. Even then she will probably not engage in the conversation too much.

Let her take time to process a decision; do not expect an immediate resolution.

Be specific when being critical or giving suggestions. Realize she will not like what you say because it may offend her drive for perfection. When she feels that something is not perfect, it upsets her.

Be prepared to give the details that back up any overview or summary.

Offer opportunities that let her use her expertise.

Caveat: Cheryl seems to be in the weeds a lot, but then there are other times when she seems like Joe and just wants to get to the bottom line. The best course of action is to always start with the bottom line, but be prepared with the details. Even if she does not want them at that moment, she will want everything documented and available to her.

Analyze This

Joe, Sally, Jeff, and Cheryl were driving to a meeting three hours away. Joe was the driver and Sally was the copilot. Cheryl kept looking over Joe’s shoulder, upset that he seemed to be going faster than the speed limit. Joe was annoyed that Cheryl kept making comments. Jeff was a little hungry and pulled out his baggie of labeled carrots and offered some to the group. He had brought enough for everyone. Sally had M&M’s and chips. Cheryl had packed a cooler—everything in its place—full of water and sandwiches. Joe was running late so he had no snacks.

As Cheryl ate her sandwich, she looked at Sally and again commented on Joe’s speed. Sally just looked at her and smiled; there was no way she was saying anything to Joe. Joe overheard and said to the others, “Stop worrying about my speed! Bottom line, let me do the driving!” And off they went.

Can you tell which parts of their natural communication styles were coming out during the drive? How could you tell?

Best Practices

Figure out how you like to communicate. Self-awareness is the key to all of this.

Know whether someone is a talker or a listener, and adapt accordingly. If they are a talker, let them talk. If they are a listener, ask questions to bring them out.

Be aware if you are talking too much.

Know whether someone is task oriented or people oriented, and try to adapt.

If the other person likes to talk about personal matters, show interest in their lives and then move on to the business at hand.

Realize that most people are not trying to annoy others but are doing what comes naturally to them.

Ask Yourself These Crucial Questions

Do I adapt to other people or do I do what is natural for my communication style?

Do I notice how sometimes I have rapport with others and how sometimes building rapport is difficult?

Can I identify the preferred communication style of everyone I work with and start to adapt to their preferred styles?