CHAPTER 3
More Credibility, Success, and Influence Is Within You. Get It.
You are your most powerful advocate. Lead.
Do you ever wish for a “magic button” or a “silver bullet” or a “reset lever” to help you find your answers, restart a situation, fix a relationship, turn you into a rock star leader, or simply make things all better?
I’ll never forget Lester, a gentleman I met at a session I led in Texas, who wished for the “silver bullet” (his words) to make him a better dad and leader, lose 20 pounds, and stop his struggles with his team. He waited an hour after the session to ask me for it, and when I told him he was the silver bullet, he walked away deflated and perplexed. (Only to come back the next morning stoked, because he’d realized if he was his own silver bullet, he could do something about that!)
Or Cheryl, an executive in Chicago who was excited about this work because after she did it, she’d never have problems again, ever—this would be her “reset button.” Afterward, she’d do everything “right.” (Little did she know this work would make her her own reset button.)
Or Casey, who wanted a “magic button” to make her nemesis just go away or at least be nicer to her. (You’ll see what actually happened in Chapter 10.)
Or Jack, who kept hoping that someone else would swoop in and lead because he was way out of his comfort zone but didn’t want to say so. He hoped someone would save him. So he waited. And waited. And waited. (Not actually asking for help.) Until he was miserable and the initiative failed.
External Solutions and Magic Buttons
Can you relate? I know I can.
Who doesn’t want a quick fix or a magic button? Or someone or something else to do it?
Leadership is tricky. It is a natural default to want to be led, to want someone else to give us the answers, to have someone else tell us what to do, to have that magic button that fixes things. It is easy to give our power away, abdicate, and comply—thinking that someone outside ourselves knows better or has our answers. And while we may receive guidance or support, ultimately we get to be our own advocates. No one outside of ourselves can do this for us. We have to lead our game. After all, if not you, who?
You are your own silver bullet (or pixie dust, magic button, reset lever, captain of your ship, hero, master of your domain, or whatever metaphor works for you).
One of my favorite things about doing this work is watching the difference in results between the people who embrace this idea and those who don’t.
The difference is magnificent.
Here’s what I know . . .
We can have what we want—and more. If we’re willing to do the work to create it.
Want more credibility? It’s on you.
Want better leadership presence? You.
More creativity and flow? You.
More money and prosperity? You.
Fitness? You.
Success? You.
Better relationships? Yep, you.
Culture? You got it—you.
Being more positively contagious? You guessed it.
Once you’ve claimed your contagiousness (Chapter 1) and assessed where you are at (Chapter 2), the next step is to fully own that only you can decide to be the accountable boss of you. A decision is needed here.
What will you decide?
Our outcomes are a result of the decisions we make, the work we do, and how we show up.
If our company puts us through training or coaching, but we decide not to integrate it—it’s on us.
If we want to be a better writer or speaker or presenter but decide not to get feedback or guidance—on us.
If we want to be a better spouse or partner but don’t engage or, even better, wait for our spouse or partner to make the first move—on us.
If we want to be healthier, fitter, leaner, faster, but decide to eat junk food and not exercise or make time for sleep—on us.
If we want a better business, stronger client relationships, clearer agreements, more white space, healthier culture, better . . . anything—on us.
Do the work.
Make time for integration, follow through, and apply.
Hire the editor or coach; get the hard feedback. Make it better (and better).
Stop waiting. Start leading. Do the more vulnerable stuff. Get in there.
Make the time and effort to eat well, exercise, sleep, and love your body up.
Take the time to clarify intentions and agreements, communicate clean, hold boundaries, pick up the phone, ask for what you want and need, stop complaining, and own the process.
Of course, collaborate, get help, get coaching, consult experts, ask for the care and support you desire—do whatever you need to do to shine; you are not alone. And it’s on you.
If you want it, go for it.
The only question is, Are you willing to do the work?
And an even more important question that will fuel your work is, Why? What is the desire that will make this all worth it?
Want It . . . Love It . . . Do the Work
And what if you don’t know your desire? What if you’re not clear about what you want? This is not uncommon. I’ve found that we humans often get so busy in our lives—handling survival, dynamics, and the day-to-day—that we can lose touch with our desires or not realize they’ve shifted. As we shift and grow, so will they. It’s useful to check in.
This is when taking a “minute” to step back and get clear about desire, and about what you want to create now, is precious fuel for moving forward, creating impact, being inspiring, and feeling energized throughout.
So how do you do it?
The Want Dial and the Why
Being a leader can be hard. Being your own advocate? Oh, geesh. Yeah . . . sometimes it’s hard.
You know what will make it easier? Knowing why you’re doing it. In Chapter 5 we’ll dig into the Essential You, which is where your values and purpose live. The Essential You fuels impact. Before we go there, let’s handle some basics in the land of want. Please turn on your “Wanting Machine” right now. Got it? Great. Can’t find it? No worries, you had it when you were younger—you may have put it away as you grew up and were told to stop asking for things. Find it, dust it off, and turn it back on now. Thank you. There is a dial on your Wanting Machine. Notice what the dial is set at (0 is nada; 10 is the top). Got it? Great. Breathe.
Now what do you want? (No filtering, no judging, no “figuring it out”—let your intuition inform you here.)
Turn up the dial; want it more.
What’s important about it to you? What will it give you? What will it allow you to do (or be)?
You have to start here.
Desire—heartfelt, soulful, authentic desire—is fuel.
Here are some things that are hard, that are fueled by desire:
• Leadership. People make difficult decisions, take brave risks, and go into daunting, uncharted territories in service of making something they care about happen. All the time. It doesn’t matter if it is in service of finding the cure for diabetes, providing paychecks, feeding kids, stopping sex trafficking, making the world better, or providing a roof over your head—there is a reason why you lead, why you work, why you do what you do. There is a why. Find it.
• Divorce. People go through the incredibly difficult, heartbreaking process of divorce and break-ups to create a healthier environment for their kids and themselves; to be more free and authentic; to honor their values, themselves, their soon-to-be exes; and for their well-being, truth, and spirit.
• Health. People engage in fitness and health programs, stop smoking, and take on new (or eliminate old) behaviors so they can feel good in their bodies, keep up with their kids, have a healthier pregnancy, be around for their grandchildren, and feel great at their college reunion. I had a mentor who stopped smoking—cold turkey—so she could do deeply meaningful, hugely impactful work in a system that could not allow her to smoke anywhere around the compound. Lifelong smoker, cold turkey quitter (#purpose).
There is a bigger reason, a bigger “why,” for doing what we do than just doing what we do. If there isn’t, our goals and intentions can fall apart fast.
If our why is strong enough and the thing we want is important enough—we will do it. The more connected we are to our why, the more sustainable our leadership becomes. Especially when it gets hard to do the work.
So what do you want and why?
In my work with clients I’ve noticed this can be a tricky question. It can be hard to want. It can also be hard to determine what you want. But it’s there. And if it isn’t clear right away, giving ourselves the space and permission for this question can unlock answers we may have tucked away. Answers that have been buried in the busyness of our lives or that we’ve just not had the courage to claim yet. So whatever this “want dial” brings up for you, it’s perfect. Allow it and keep exploring.
The want dial is a primer for getting clear about what’s most important and giving ourselves full permission to claim it and focus in. The most important elements of this exercise are presence, full permission, and honest questions (and answers).
Here are a few to prompt your want dial:
• What would make me happy? What would be pleasurable?
• How do I want to serve? What kind of impact do I want to make?
• How do I want to spend my time? If money were no object, what would I do for a living?
• How much money do I want to make? What freedom would this give me?
• How do I want my relationships to feel? My body? What do I need to make that so?
• What kind of leader, parent, partner, friend, human, do I want to be? What would that look like?
If you are having a hard time connecting with this idea or accessing what you want, start small—start with “a cup of coffee,” or “a day off,” or “a new pencil.” Then work your way up: to have a better relationship, to run a 5K, to be a better parent, to get a promotion, to impact 10,000 people next month, and so on. You’ll come up with a list. When you have all the “wants” out in front of you, go back and circle the top five to focus on for now.
It is not uncommon to start this exercise feeling stuck, to slowly identify wants, and then to be unable to stop. I give people seven minutes to do this. They write their wants on paper and then go back and prioritize. Our record is 86 wants in seven minutes from someone who took the first three minutes to really tap the want dial. People walk away awake to desire and with three to five areas of focus to really go for.
Have at it.
The “Want It/Love It Up” Five-Step
Now that you know what you want, we can go deeper to lock it in and bring it closer to reality. Do the five-step (Figure 3.1).
FIGURE 3.1 The “Want It/Love It” Five-Step
• See it. Envision yourself doing it or being it, see the result of it, and see the people around you benefiting from it.
• Want it. Connect with the feeling of having this thing. Feel where success lives in your body, the energy of having it, the feeling of connection and aliveness that comes with it, the importance of it. Really feel this. Feel it? Great, now turn the want dial up. Want it more. Breathe. Good.
• Know it. What will this do for you? What will it give you? What will you be able to do because of this? Who will you become? Now, tap into what will happen if you don’t create this. What’s the cost? Feel that. Now come back to what’s possible when you’ve created it. Stay there.
• Decide it. Once you see it, want it, and know it—it’s time to decide to create it. No kidding. Make the full-body decision to make it so. It’s on you to lead.
• Love it. Now all you have to do is love it up, partner with it, stay conscious in it, and get ready to do the work.
The “Do the Work” Five-Step
Once you have the model in place for finding what you want, the next step is doing the work to get there.
Here are five steps (Figure 3.2) to being your own silver bullet and the awesome accountable boss of you.
FIGURE 3.2. The “Do the Work” Five-Step
First, take full ownership for your experience and results. Your decisions, choices, and way of being have brought you to this point. Yes, of course, there are things completely out of your control (these can sometimes even be tragic events) that you did not create. And the way you decide to be with them, take care of yourself, and get support in transitioning through them is part of what will move you to the next place successfully.
Second, check your mindset in how you’re relating to each of the unexpected events. Doom and gloom, judgment and blame, taking your marbles and going home. Or can you find a better way to think about it? A reframe to the “thank you” or “gift” of it? Can you shift the way you’re holding the reality of it, identify how you’re contributing to it, and identify the littlest thing you can do or be to move forward?
Third, take excellent care of yourself, nourish your vibe, and eliminate anything from your life that is not serving you in being your best. Pay attention to your nutrition and self-care; your self-talk and self-kindness: your use of alcohol or TV or anything else you might do to “check out” or “numb out” to avoid the pain; the people you hang out with and quality of conversations you have; the excuses you make; the support you engage; and the space you create proactively to be able to show up better.. (We’ll talk more about this in Part 2—it’s Big.)
Fourth, show up and do it. Claim it. Step in and do something about what you want to see change in. Take accountability for it and do the work. Since you see it and want it—it’s up to you. You can use the IEP Method to help make this so. (More on this in Chapter 5.)
Fifth, be it. Finally, with all this doing is the being. Being the boss of you requires that you be the boss of you. You own you. Hold this energetically; stand in it; be it; take full responsibility for it. People will feel it in your presence. Show up in a way that holds and communicates intention, leadership, and accountability. Own your leadership.
Run yourself through these five steps in any situation you’re grappling with. You’ll likely find many new solutions, ideas, wants, and ways of “doing” and “being” to support you in making your desires a reality.
“Silver Bullet” Blind Spots
Think you already are your own silver bullet and pushing all edges? In my experience we all have sneaky corners we hide out in, often in our unconscious, where we’re not fully being the boss of us and going for what we want.
Check yourself against these to see if you might have any blind spots here:
• You want more trust and credibility in your leadership, and you are waiting for someone to give it to you or for something to happen that just makes it so. You’re too busy to actually think about what you might be doing that’s hindering your growth here. (Gold mine.)
• You have been dieting and working out forever—or not—and just can’t seem to lose that last 10 pounds.
• Your relationship with your colleague, friend, or family member is strained, maybe it has been for years, and you’re hoping that something will magically just shift it.
• Your culture is not great. You dread going to work, feel careful and not safe in your environment, and hold your cards close to get through the daily “thunderdome” that is your culture.
• You want that promotion, gig, art exhibit, book deal, contract, clients—you name it. But you can’t make time to be less “busy” or tired and do the work required. You hope it will just eventually happen.
• You have money problems in your business (or life, period); things are getting scarier by the day. The pipeline is low, the checking account even lower. You’re spending more than you make; you can’t fill your programs. Money drops; stress rises; you feel powerless.
• Your retirement and savings are not so stellar right now. “I’ll save when,” “I’ll do this when,” “If only when” has become a steady inner conversation.
• Your marriage is hurting. Maybe you’ve been together 2 years or 20, and ouch. It’s not great. You hope things will just get better. “This is a phase,” you say.
• There is something in your life, anything, that you want to make happen, create change in, or feel better about. If only . . .
These are nine scenarios I find to be common challenges, intentions, and places of hope (and waiting) among people I meet.
There are core things to honor in each of these:
1. They’re scary places to be in.
2. The emotion (and struggle) is real.
3. They are often influenced by external factors in making the changes.
4. While external factors are always at play, what’s even more powerful is that every single one of them is most dependent on you—the person with the challenge, the desire, the need.
5. They require a decision. The decision to get in there and do the work.
The only person who can make that decision is you.
You must be your own advocate. The sooner you understand and own this idea—the sooner your trust, credibility, and influence will go up.
Why? Because people feel the vibe of ownership just as much as they feel the vibe of the lack of it.
And your own intentions become contagious.
Matt
Matt was a director at his firm. He’d hired me to work with him on his leadership presence and building trust and credibility with his team. His ultimate goals were to have more impact, build real connections, grow his confidence levels, and ultimately get a promotion into senior leadership.
He was smart and had a great heart and clear intentions. Initially, I didn’t think we had too much work to do. As far as I could tell, our work together would be about optimizing what he was already doing and bringing his leadership presence to new levels. Until we got into the process.
I noticed that Matt showed up two to four minutes late for every call. Sometimes it was just one minute. But 1 minute or 20, he was late.
I also noticed that he was often exhausted, even on a Tuesday at 10 a.m. He liked to talk about his exhaustion and cite it as an excuse for not being totally present, or “on it.”
I noticed he used a lot of language like “can’t,” “try,” “they,” “busy,” “not in my control,” “I hope,” “sorry,” and sometimes, “not my problem.”
But he deeply wanted to build trust and credibility with his peers.
When I work with people, their time integrity is nice for me, but it’s not for me—it’s for them. If they’ve said they want to build trust and credibility with others, they have to build it with themselves first. Time integrity is low-hanging leadership fruit. Every time Matt was late, broke his word with himself to be on time, or made an excuse, he put a chink in his field of trust and credibility—with himself. Which of course was energetically communicated to everyone around him.
When we don’t own our integrity within ourselves, we are not trustable with others. (Even if they don’t know why they don’t fully trust us, they’ll feel something is off.) If we make excuses for why we’re not showing up well, it weakens the field and our credibility even more.
I see this almost every day. People are confused about why they don’t have a better business or culture or leadership credibility, and it is often related to how they are showing up in even the littlest of ways. Being late (for anything) or breaking agreements (even little ones), making excuses, talking about being “so busy” or exhausted or overwhelmed, not being present (and even worse pretending to be)—these are some of the most common diminishers of personal trust and credibility, and they cost people and organizations dearly, daily. Period.
(Pause for a minute: do you like to hear about how exhausted people are, or how overwhelmed or busy or “out of it” they are, from anyone? Let alone your boss, partner, vendor, or employee? Let alone as an excuse for why they’ve dropped the ball on something? What’s the energetic impact of that? Does it inspire trust, credibility, any of the good “feels?” Likely not. Is it something you want to catch energetically? Is it a helpful kind of contagious? Nah? OK, just checking.)
During one Tuesday coaching session, Matt once again used exhaustion as an excuse for being late and not honoring a commitment with his team. Twenty minutes into the conversation, he stated that he just couldn’t be his best today for our work together because he was “too worn out.”
“Matt, it’s Tuesday morning at 10 a.m. How are you exhausted already?”
Matt had attended a BBQ on Sunday that had involved lots of craft beers and hot dogs. He’d enjoyed many of them. He’d gotten back late that night, ditched his IEP practice of proactively setting up his week, and was still in energetic catch-up mode by Tuesday morning. On top of this, because he was so tired and his decision-making muscles were weak (this happens when we’re depleted), when someone on his team asked him to do something he couldn’t possibly get done on time (or well), he still agreed to it in an effort to please his team member. Ultimately, he only put more pressure on himself and set everyone up for failure.
His intentions were not bad; he’d just gotten himself “behind it all.” His nutrition, presence, and taking a pause were his quickest ways back.
“Matt, are those craft beers, hot dogs, and you giving up ‘getting in front of your week’ with sleep and intentions and presence of mind worth your next promotion and leadership credibility?”
“Nope.”
Matt learned how his relationship with time, his integrity with himself, his self-care, and his inability to hold space and make thoughtful decisions (largely due to his fatigue and self-care) all affected his trust, his credibility, and his ability to lead. While nuanced and little things to tweak, they were in the way of his creating the impact he desired.
His language was also affecting his ability to be impactful. Anytime we catch ourselves using words like “try,” “hope,” “busy,” “can’t,” “they,” “not in my control,” “not my problem,” “worry,” “should/need/have to,” or “sorry” (without making changes or when used as a chronic excuse), we are coming from a place of victim or powerlessness—not ownership. Those words are all contractive and negatively contagious. Try them on now; see how they feel. They’re not empowering or expansive, and they shut down possibility. What words would be more powerful? “Try” becomes “will.” “Hope” becomes “intend.” “Busy” becomes “richly scheduled” or “on purpose.” “Can’t” becomes “can,” “won’t,” or “choose not to.” “They” becomes “we” or “I.” “Not in my control” and “not my problem” become some version of “what I can do to contribute to even the littlest thing going well.” “Worry” becomes “aware of.” “Should/need/have to” becomes “want/will/get to.” And “sorry” becomes “I acknowledge my broken agreement and will make it right.”
How we state things, and the intention behind them, has significant impact on the energy we bring to a situation.
Matt had some easy wins available to him if he was willing to do the work: clean up his time integrity, be true to his word (with himself first), stop making excuses and own it, clean up his self-care and nourishment, and clean up his language. With those changes, he’d be on his way.
These were our main initial focus areas to shift his presence. Of course, we worked on skills and strategy and presence at other levels, but these formed the foundation for him. Before we knew it, Matt was leading from a place of internal presence and integrity—what I call “personal impeccability”—which set him up to show up better with everyone around him. The members of his team noticed a shift and up-leveled their own presence as well (#contagious). He was more trustworthy and reliable. And he ultimately got his wish for more impact, more connection, and that promotion.
Matt was his own advocate and magic maker. No one did that for him. No one could have.
You—Go Get It
You know what is great about leading you and being in integrity with yourself? No one can take it away from you. Especially if you build it honestly.
Does this mean we’re perfect? I hope not (what is perfect anyway?). It simply means we’re conscious, we own our stuff, and we are the author and commander of our life.
From a place of personal integrity and impeccability, with that as our main presence and energetic communication—anything we do becomes more powerful.
So . . . back to you now! How much do you want your own goals?
What decisions do you need to make?
Don’t take this question for granted. I’ve worked with countless people whose main issue was that they’d not fully decided to make something happen, whether it was to have that great relationship, get healthy, be successful, make more money, be the captain of their own ship, be a better leader, or something else. Sound funny? Show me a place where you have something you say you want, but you haven’t created it yet, and I’ll show you a place where there’s not a strong enough underlying desire, intention, or clear why, a decision that hasn’t been made (or has), a place you’re making other things more important, or an area you haven’t wanted to do the hard work in. (Yet.)
So decide. And let’s make that magic happen.
Fieldwork: Make It Real
Ask yourself: Where am I not being my own driver? Where am I waiting for someone else or something to happen to make this situation change? Where am I not clear on my want? Name it and then run yourself through any of the exercises offered in this chapter choosing at least one thing you know you can do to up-level your magic.
Play the Want Dial Game. Once you have your “want list,” choose three to five areas of focus, and then work each one through the five-step processes below.
The Area or Situation (Name it): _____________________
“Want It/Love It Up” Five Steps:
See it. _________________
Want it. _________________
Know it. _________________
Decide it. _________________
Love it. _________________
“Do the Work” Five Steps:
Own it. _________________
Mind it. _________________
Nourish it. _________________
Do it. _________________
Be it. _________________
Strengthen your personal impeccability. What is the littlest thing I can do now to build my own personal impeccability and integrity?
Here’s a list to get you started; just one will make a dent.
Time integrity
No excuses
Self-kindness
Ownership
No blaming
Turn complaints into requests
Tell the truth
Say real yes and real no
Self-care
Direct engagement when there is conflict
Productive language
Decide