CHAPTER 7

Your Superpower Toolkit: 21 Practices to Cultivate. Use It.

Our superpowers are ours for the making; we must grow them and use them well.

With great power comes great response-ability.

”Being kind and talking nice to myself, catching my thoughts, and leading others? It’s hard!” At this point you maybe grappling with the time and energy it might take to be kind to yourself, let alone lead others more effectively. It’s a lot. Right?

I get it, and I invite you to consider how your thinking may be creating resistance before you even get started. (And if not in this scenario, in any scenario you experience the “It’s hard!” or “I’m too busy!” inner conversation!) I empathize, and an invitation when confronted with “contracted” thinking, to ask yourself three questions:

•   “How is my thinking making this harder?”

•    “How might this be easy?”

•   “What superpowers and resources can I tap to make this more pleasurable?”

These three questions can stop a runaway thought in its tracks. Even better, let’s circle back to intention and add these: “What is my intention here? What’s the impact I want to have? Why is this important?” There now, a bit more space to move forward? Likely so! (If not, breathe, settle into this moment, and run the questions again.)

Is showing up hard sometimes? You bet. Excellent leadership, accomplishments, and things that propel us forward in our lives often are. Creating what we want requires work and grit. However, if we really want it, we’ll do what it takes. The trick is to intentionally apply resources and superpowers that will make the necessary work more efficient and pleasurable so we have more energy and are able to do more good. And that’s what we’re doing in this chapter . . .

Superpowers, Trifectas, and Impact—Oh My!

We’ve been building superpowers throughout this book. Being intentional and on purpose, strengthening our IEP, choosing our thinking and language, and being in integrity with ourselves—these are all highly contagious superpowers.

There are four things to know about superpowers:

1.   They are entirely within your control.

2.   No one can give them to you (or take them away).

3.   You have to claim and nourish them.

4.   Any superpower overdone can become kryptonite.

In the following sections are 21 additional superpowers to help unlock your next levels of leadership and influence. These build resiliency, create more space for wisdom and new thinking, and help prevent burnout and what I call “leadership depression” (more on that topic in Chapter 9). The last six are “Superpower Trifectas”—superpowers that stand alone, and when combined are an even more significant force to lead with.

As you go through these, see which resonate most and which you’d like to claim. Also, any superpower can become kryptonite if it is overcalibrated or used unintentionally. For example, the superpower of behavioral flexibility overused or used unintentionally becomes wishy-washy and unreliable; self-awareness overcalibrated becomes self-centered with a potential side of analysis paralysis; and forgiveness, without boundaries and consciousness, can lead to being taken advantage of or being a doormat. Consider what an overly calibrated superpower might look like for you.

Superpower #1: Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is home base for creating any change. I find it’s about 70 percent of the necessary work required to create real change. (The other 30 percent being what you actually do with this new awareness.) Self-awareness includes recognizing our impact, energetic states, thinking, and emotions, our projections, and how our presence and actions influence our outcomes. Without self-awareness, we have pain, suffering, fatigue, unintended impact, and confusion. With it, we have self-authority, wisdom, and a choice to change, get support, be different, and do differently. Exercising this superpower requires we stop, breathe, notice, get curious, own our impact, and proceed accordingly. It also invites us to ask for feedback on how we’re showing up, where our impact may not be what we want it to be, and what our next steps might be.

Superpower #2: Choice Point

The ability to choose our response in any moment is one of our greatest superpowers. Expand or contract; request or complain; be accountable or blame; be positive or negative; be grateful or entitled; be generous or judgmental; be kind or cruel; come from abundance or scarcity; assume good or bad; show up or don’t. My choices are limitless; inform future decisions, habits, and ease; and educate my brain on which neural pathways to build to make similar choices easier in the future. (More on this topic in Chapter 8.)

Superpower #3: Conscious Thinking and Beliefs

Ever notice that your thoughts sometimes don’t take you to the most fabulous places? Our primal brains are wired for survival, which can cause us to go into worst-case scenario mode and make unhelpful assumptions. The combination of being aware of our thinking and beliefs, witnessing the stories we tell ourselves, and catching them before they run rogue is a superpower practice. In addition to impacting our performance and how we show up, research has also shown the significant impact our beliefs have on our biology. Dr. Bruce Lipton’s work, specifically in his book The Biology of Belief,¹ is a powerful resource for understanding the relationship between our beliefs and our well-being. Yet another reason for activating this superpower. Anytime you notice contraction, unhappiness, or stress, it’s likely your thinking has run away with you. Catch it, question it, clarify it, and above all, never believe everything you think. (Byron Katie’s “The Work”² and her four questions can be a helpful resource for strengthening this superpower as well!)

Superpower #4: Staying in Your Lane and Minding Your Business

One of the greatest energy suckers, leadership killers, time wasters, and credibility busters is getting sucked into another person’s energetic drama. Feel yourself getting triggered by what someone else is doing (or should do)? Breathe, and mind your own business. This superpower builds our focus, keeps our energetic hygiene clean, strengthens leadership trust and credibility, creates peace in our own space, and therefore helps create more space and grace for others so we can serve more effectively.

Superpower #5: Intuition

Intuition speaks. Do you hear it? And if you hear it, do you honor it? Our intuition—that quiet, knowing, sixth sense, inner wisdom—can be cultivated. The more we listen and honor intuition, the louder and more efficient it becomes. Ignoring intuition often results in energetic, financial, and emotional expenses. Honoring it, coupled with discernment and curiosity, will often net priceless outcomes. In my years exploring this personally and with clients, I’ve found that intuition is always right; however, interpretation may be wrong. So pay attention, honor it, and when not 100 percent clear, pair it with a nice glass of discernment, do your due diligence, and make sure you have the information you need. By the way, if you don’t think you have intuition—you do. That “gut feeling” you get when something is off, that “Yes!” or “No way!” sense you get in your body when you’re first asked to do something is likely your intuition speaking. Listen.

Superpower #6: Decide

Indecision, often at the root of “stuck” and unclear leadership, is exhausting. Being energetically halfway in the middle, with one foot in and one foot out, keeps us stuck and confused. Without a true energetic decision, the people we lead follow us (maybe, if they have the patience) in a fog of indecisive energy, ambiguity, and confusion. If you have things you keep saying you’re going to do, or have something you’ve wanted to make happen that’s not (have a great relationship, lose 10 pounds, be successful), or sense your team is not fully with you, it may be because you have not truly decided your decision.

To decide is to kill off all other options. A decision is clean; it moves forward and eliminates Plan B. A leader whose decision energy is strong will present with the energy of crispness, knowingness, credibility, and an intentional impactful presence. His or her energy will feel solid, reliable, compelling, and positively contagious. Just as a leader with weak decision energy, who lives on the fence, will likely feel confused, burdened, stuck, and negatively contagious.

So how do you activate the superpower of deciding? First, decide to get good at making decisions. (The stronger your IEP, the easier it will be to intuitively know which decisions are most important and what to do about them.) Next, notice where you feel stuck or where a relationship or result is not shifting. Now be honest and ask yourself: “Have I indeed decided? Do I truly want it? And have I decided to do whatever it takes to make it happen?” (Or “Am I getting something out if it not happening? Am I still gathering evidence for all the ways this thing/person sucks? Or do I just not want to do the hard work?”) Then decide.

Note: A decision to decide not to decide is still a decision. As is naming and owning that you are deciding not to do something that may be unpopular. (For example, “I don’t want to change my relationship with George.”) Just own it. Clean and simple. A real decision clears energy, builds internal and external trust, and clears the way for new wisdom to come in.

Superpower Accelerator: To counteract decision fatigue and make it easier on yourself and your decision-making muscles, make your bigger decisions earlier in the day when fresh. Reduce repetitive decisions you make every day (e.g., food, wardrobe, routine, the location where you put your keys, criteria for what you say “yes” and “no” to). And simplify daily priorities as much as possible to free up decision-making energy. We have the mental stamina for making only so many decisions a day (which is why at the end of a long day, you’re more likely to cave to your kids, say yes to that thing you really didn’t want to do, skip that workout, or eat that donut after a perfectly clean eating day). Cultivating this superpower not only supports rigorous and clean leadership but frees us to make the most important decisions unencumbered.

Superpower #7: Acting “As If”

Acting “as if” is a superpower you can have right now. Take a deep breath, reboot, intend your presence, bubble up, and act as if you already have what you want, are who you want to be, or have the kind of relationship and dynamic you wish possible with that person in your life. Want to be successful and run that meeting beautifully? Embody it, breathe it, appreciate it, and act as if you are. Want to ease the tension in that relationship? Embody, breathe, appreciate, and show up as if the pressure is gone. Want to feel happy and expansive instead of stressed out? Embody, breathe, appreciate, and be. Whatever state you desire, embody it. Breathe it. Appreciate it. Be it. Live into it.

Superpower #8: Intention, Service, and Purpose

Having a clear intention is at the core of creating impact. When we’re clear on what we want to create, why we want to create it, and what or whom it’s in service of, we eliminate the drama, noise, fear, and unhelpful behaviors and thinking that often sabotage impact. We get braver. Being connected to intention, service, and purpose (our why) is fuel—the blend of the three is a “courage cocktail.” When we’re connected to what we’re in service of and the human being(s) it impacts, we are better armed to get out of our own way and make things happen. Feeling confused, nervous, scared, or resistant about a tricky situation, or about hard feedback or a talk you’re going to give, or about a bold move you’re about to make that will require courage and vulnerability? Ask yourself any of these simple and powerful questions and see what shifts: “What’s my intention? What’s my purpose here? What am I in service of? Whom/what will this serve beyond myself? What’s the littlest thing I can do to help things go well right now?”

Superpower #9: “Response-Ability”

Try this on: “I am responsible for XYZ. It is my responsibility.” Notice what you notice. Contraction or expansion? Heavy or light? Daunted or excited? Soul-sucking or life-giving? Now this: “I am ‘response-able’ to XYZ. I am able to respond in the best way I can.” Different? Similar words, significant energetic differences. Responsibility can feel heavy and drudgerous. Whereas being able to respond to whatever is here right now in the best way I can, feels lighter and more expansive, creating possibility and movement. Amplify your “response-ability”; amplify your impact.

Superpower #10: Saying “No”

A solid “no” is a powerful “yes” to something else. The “no” may be a “yes” to yourself, to your self-care, to creating space and time for your team, or to making space for something that is a better use of your energy and time. For example, my saying “no” to going out for dinner and drinks tonight is a “yes” to self-care, personal space, and an early bedtime so I can show up well for tomorrow’s meeting. My “no” to traveling this weekend for a business meeting is a “yes” to writing time and self-care. My “no” to a friend or date that feels incongruent is a “yes” to creating space for the right friendship or date later. When we say “no,” not only do our “yeses” mean more, but we build trust and credibility, clean up our energy, and ultimately become better at what we say “yes” to.

Superpower #11: Finding the Gift and Reframing

Everything can be reframed as a lesson, a gift, and even an opportunity if we’re open to it. We can wade in the bad thing forever. Or we can have our authentic emotion about it and then use the event to make things better moving forward. How? Look for the reframe. “This is terrible,” becomes “Interesting, what’s the opportunity? What can we learn? What’s the littlest thing we can do to help things go better?” The reframe for “I screwed up” or “I failed” becomes “I gave it my best there and that didn’t go the way I planned,” or “I created unintentional impact,” and then, “What’s the gift? What can I learn? Let’s do it again differently.” For “I can’t believe he did that; he cost us a ton of money!!” the reframe becomes “I’m so grateful that happened now; look at what we’ve learned and what we can do moving forward to prevent this from happening again and/or make it even better.” When we find gratitude, we open the field of possibility and wisdom.

Superpower #12: Forgiveness

Forgiving is a superpower that creates peace, frees the forgiver of carrying toxic energy, and honors the humanity in both parties, and while it is more for the forgiver than for the forgiven, everyone wins. Forgiving doesn’t mean we tolerate it, excuse it, enable it, and let it happen again. It means we have awareness, we let it go, and we don’t carry that energy with us.

There is a next-level superpower in forgiveness, which is holding that there is nothing to forgive. Consider this: What if there is never anything to forgive because you realize people are doing the best they can, and there is always a gift? (Superpower #11) You may find that when you can authentically hold that there is no forgiveness to work through—but rather awareness, honoring of the pain, gratitude for the learning, release, and then moving forward appropriately to make it right (or not)—your energy becomes lighter, you process more quickly, boundaries become clearer, and relationships that aren’t right fall away more naturally without stress, contraction, or drama.

Because this superpower can be harder to grok, let me give you an example I witnessed recently. Carol had an assistant who chronically made mistakes and then lied about them. After several opportunities, without success, to change the behavior and level-up, Carol fired her. Carol felt angry, betrayed, disappointed, and taken advantage of. She shared with colleagues that what her assistant had done was unforgivable. She held on to this for a long time.

This lack of forgiveness impacted her trust with other team members and colored her hiring process for the next assistant. The energy she exuded was contracted, careful, bitter, and not at all inspiring or compelling. Carol was exhausting herself (and ultimately those around her).

One day it occurred to her that this contracted energy was costing her a lot more than the situation that had actually occurred. Aware that she wasn’t feeling so great and was likely prolonging her own misery, she got curious and posed the questions, “What if there is nothing to forgive? What if my assistant was doing the best she could? How might I have contributed to the dynamic? How might this be a gift to both of us? What’s here to learn? What if I just let this all go?” These questions gave Carol space to breathe and learn.

In this space, here’s what she realized: her assistant was doing the best she could—she’d kept doing it, so obviously that was her best (this clearly was not OK for that role or for Carol—and it was her best). Carol realized she’d contributed to the situation by continuing to tolerate the behavior. She also saw that the energy she’d carried and projected at her assistant had likely made her assistant only more afraid to tell the truth. And there was more . . . in the interview process the prospective assistant had told a white lie (the gal really needed the job and was willing to lie to get it and keep it). Carol saw it, and in her urgency to hire and wanting to assume good, she’d let it go. Her gut told her, “Pay attention!!” Her head told her, “Nah, we’re good!!” Bam. Right there. Carol had contributed by overlooking it, ignoring her intuition, being lenient when it continued, and instead of naming it and cleaning it up, projecting harsh energy at her.

Here’s the thing . . . Carol had done the best she could at that time. In her desperation to get an assistant and to avoid conflict, she’d done her best. Now she’d know better. So, really, what was there to forgive? Nothing. They’d both done their best. and this best was not OK or a sustainable match for that partnership. So it didn’t work.

There was gold here. Priceless learning gold for Carol: (1) people show you who they are fast (especially in interviews!), (2) don’t ignore your intuition, (3) be crystal clear up front about expectations and hold accountability, (4) fire fast when you know it’s not right, and (5) don’t hang on to anger because anger will only hang on to you (ultimately clouding learning and wisdom and depleting energetic resources).

After Carol worked her way through this, the energetic charge she’d carried was gone. Carol moved on grateful for the experience, for catching it before it netted a more serious impact on the company, and for the learning that would now make her a better leader, human, and boundary holder. She was free.

Note that I’m not saying, “Oh, no big deal, just deal!” with stuff that doesn’t work or is downright diabolical. I am saying, allow the authentic emotion, process it, get curious and learn from it, create smart boundaries and agreements with yourself and others, and as needed, get support to heal so you can release and move on.

Don’t give your life force away by holding the past hostage.

Superpower #13: Conscious Disengagement (and Play)

Superheroes need their “me time.” We’ve got to unplug and play. Binge that Netflix. Eat that bowl of cereal or popcorn. Stay in your jams all day. Just do it consciously. The art of conscious disengagement and active play is an essential leadership skill and superpower that strengthens creativity and resiliency, opens up joy and new perspectives, and builds a more expansive energetic field. Check out and get out! Your leadership and creativity depend on it.

Superpower #14: Behavioral Flexibility

The person with the strongest intention and purpose, the highest vibration, and the greatest behavioral flexibility wins. Oh my. That’s a lot to ask, right? Not really. You’ve got intention and purpose in spades, and you now know how to work your vibration. The mastery comes in being able to hold these two things while being behaviorally flexible—being willing to move, bend, dance, and meet people where they are. Here’s the trick: be flexible, go with it, lean in to understand, and be willing to change course as it serves—all while holding your stake in the ground for your purpose and beliefs. The more flexible we can be, the better able we can meet people where they are, and the more likely they’ll come with us where we want them to go. If we’re rigid, the whole thing snaps. It’s a dance. Bend, flex, stand, lead. Go for it.

Superpower #15: Holding a Magnificent Container

The size of the container we hold for people has a huge impact on who they—and we—can become. Seeing people as big, capable, amazing, lovely, and good and “holding” them there in your regard—will create that field energetically. They’ll feel it and be invited to step in and show up bigger. Just as seeing and holding them as small, a loser, bad, incompetent, and ughhhh will create that field for them, inviting them to step in and show up as so. What do you believe is possible for the people you lead? There is a container you’re holding for them (and for yourself). How big is it?

The Superpower Trifectas

The following superpowers all work beautifully alone and are even more powerful together. When all three parts are present, their power increases exponentially. If one is missing or weak, work on that one, and the others will elevate as well.

Superpower Trifecta #1

The Presence Trifecta: Breathing, Accessing Pleasure in the Moment, and Rebooting

You’re experiencing stress or contraction in the moment. It could be for anything, whether you are in a meeting, with your teen, on stage, or in a conversation. You feel yourself get foggy, tight, reactive. What do you do? Activate the Presence Trifecta:

1.   Breathe. Right here, right now. Full-body breath. (Just noticing breath shifts state.)

2.   Access pleasure. What will make this moment more pleasurable? It could be moving your body, changing your thinking, remembering your “why” for this situation, getting curious, or simply going to your happy place.

3.   Reboot. Do the IEP Presence Reboot—notice where you are, envision and intend where you want to be, take care, step in, and voilà, rinse and repeat!

Superpower Accelerator: Say something that anchors this in: “Isn’t this lovely?” “I am here.” “If this isn’t awesome, I don’t know what is.” Anything to ground this feeling in your body and have your brain build neural pathways to lock it in.

Superpower Trifecta #2

The Self-Care Trifecta: Nourishment, Kindness, and Graceful Rigor

Keep this one activated at all times for best results. First, nourishment: take care of yourself; feed yourself well with food, thinking, and input; surround yourself with things that bring you joy. Second, kindness: notice your thoughts; make them work for you, not against you. Love yourself up. Be nice—it’s free (and effective!). And finally, graceful rigor: call yourself to grow, do more, be bigger, and lead on your edge with tenacity and grace in whatever way is most congruent for you. Make a mistake? Great. Take care of yourself, be kind, learn from it, and get back in there.

Superpower Trifecta #3

The Love Trifecta: Love, Acknowledgment, and Clear Boundaries

This trifecta works in relationship with others and with ourselves. All three parts support and amplify each other. Start first with love, which in this case we’re going to hold as simply “seeing the other person as a human being who matters.” Acknowledging this (and feeling it) can create more space and empathy. Your boss, your nemesis, the person who always “one-ups” you at work, these are human beings who have their own challenges, fears, dreams, hard relationships, insecurities, bullies, and families just like you do. What can you love (or at least appreciate) about them, this moment, this problem, yourself? Take a deep breath and find the human. Find the love. Find kindness. You don’t have to do anything with it, and you don’t have to tell anyone; you only have to breathe, access the humanity, and feel it in your body.

Superpower Accelerator: Put your hand on your heart for six seconds to release oxytocin and activate the love more quickly.

An acknowledgment is something that says, “I see you.” (Have you ever noticed that “intimacy” is IN-TO-ME-SEE?) Seeing someone (and being seen) is one of the most generous and effective ways to connect, understand, and be with another. It is also one of our greatest desires as humans. (And ironically, can be terrifying as well!) An acknowledgment is not about what we do—it’s about who we are. Do you see people being courageous, kind, thoughtful, wise, vulnerable, genuine, powerful? Tell them so.

The last part of the Love Trifecta, clear boundaries, sets all parties up for success by being clear on what our boundaries and desires are. What’s OK and what’s not? Asking for what we want and being clear is not only powerful and foundational for us personally, but incredibly helpful and loving to the people we’re in relationship with. “Open heart, clear boundaries” makes space for generous love and self-care.

Superpower Trifecta #4

The Abundant Reciprocity Trifecta: Generosity, Receiving, and Gratitude

Abundance is a mindset that means “more than enough.” Reciprocity is an energetic cycle of giving and receiving. When we put abundance and reciprocity together, energy rises.

The spirit of generosity offers time, wisdom, the assumption of positive intent, grace, our presence, and gifts. Asking, “What’s the most generous thing I can be or do here?” creates expansion and opens the field of possibilities and creative thinking.

Receiving is a leadership skill. When we are open to receive and do so with grace, we keep the cycle of abundant reciprocity open and honor the person gifting us. When we don’t receive, we shut it down.

Finally, gratitude, the magic state shifter, fortifies the trifecta; gratitude for what’s been received, for who someone is being, for the moment, for breath, for toothpaste. Anything counts. Put these three superpowers together to create an abundance mindset.

Superpower Trifecta #5

The Communication Trifecta: Naming It, Curiosity, and Assuming Good

When you have conflict or tension or want to make a shift in relationship and communication and are struggling to do so, the Communication Trifecta moves energy quickly.

First, name it. Name and identify what feels off, what you’re noticing, and what you would love instead. (You may or may not be “right”—either way, the energy of the situation will shift.)

Next, get curious about what is happening without judging it, making it wrong, or assuming you know what’s what.

Finally, assume good. There is almost always a positive intention underneath what someone says or does—even if you can’t fathom what. What is the most generous assumption you can make to create the energy, space, and safety for a productive conversation? All three of these superpowers create space to be in right relationship.

Superpower Trifecta #6

The Solution Trifecta: Accurate Reporting, Being Senior to Discomfort, and Asking for Help

The Solution Trifecta helps us identify the facts, be “bigger” than the problem, lean in to discomfort to solve it, and finally ask for help where needed.

Accurate reporting addresses objectively the questions: What happened? What are the facts of the situation? No emotions, judgments, or assumptions. There is only what you’d see if you had a video camera and taped it. For example, George has been late to the last three meetings. Story: “George is late because he doesn’t care, he’s lazy, he doesn’t respect our time, and I think he’s just bad at managing himself.” Accurate reporting: “George has walked into the last three meetings late. When he comes in, we stop the conversation to wait for him to settle in.” Now you have facts—not story—you can get curious about and design for.

Being senior to discomfort means that you are bigger than your problem, staying conscious with it, versus becoming it or losing your seniority to it. With this comes the courage to lean in to any discomfort you have about addressing the problem directly. With George, for example, his being late is a “problem,” but you don’t have to enmesh with the problem, get sucked into the story, or have it be bigger than you (where you hide, avoid, and fear confrontation). Instead, stay senior to the issue and partner with the discomfort of having an honest and productive discussion with George.

Asking for help is another leadership skill and superpower, which is essential to the Solution Trifecta. This superpower supports us in tapping additional resources, not going it alone, and modeling that we’re all in this together and no one has to know all the answers. In the case of George, you might ask him for help to make meetings better, or ask your colleague for help with the George conversation. Don’t let a problem diminish your seniority, and don’t let your pride lose the best solution possible.

You now have 21 additional superpowers (33 when you pull the trifectas apart) to use as you wish. Use them well.

Fieldwork: Make It Real

Let’s activate your superpowers and at least one trifecta . . .

Easiest Fieldwork Ever

What three superpowers are you committed to practicing this week?

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What one trifecta feels most important?

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Go get it!

And once you’ve got it, come back and do it again.