CHAPTER 11
Other People’s Problems, Projections, and Expectations. Rise Above Them.
They may ask a lot of you; they may tell you what to do . . . But why?
Other people’s problems, projections, and (contagious) expectations (OPPPE!) are things we deal with every day—on both the sending and receiving end. They are easy to get hooked into and one of the greatest causes of resentment, confusion, exhaustion, blame, judgment, and lost time and energy. We’re often so close to them, we don’t realize they’re happening. Yet with awareness, we can start to discern what’s ours, what’s not, and what energy we choose to expend appropriately. Nourishing our IEP and using the tools offered in this book help us get better at navigating OPPPE. The frameworks and stories in this chapter will take you deeper into awareness of where and when OPPPE maybe at play that you may not even realize.
This chapter deepens superpowers #2 (choice point), #4 (stay in your lane), and #5 (intuition) from Chapter 7 and will support you in further noticing and managing energy killers and toxic contagions (in Chapters 8 and 10), so you don’t take on the negative but rather hold your space and even shift the situation to the positive.
Human Elixir
First, can we agree that, generally, we’re doing the very best we can? Me, you, George, Georgette, Mary, Marvin, Max, Clyde, Doris? All of us humans—even when it doesn’t look like it or feel like it?
This belief can be magic elixir in leadership especially when we’re feeling contracted or self-righteous about something or someone and ready to jump into hard-core judgment, blame, and fury. It can provide space and grace to look at situations from different perspectives so we can find a more productive way forward.
Can we raise the bar, get over ourselves, and show up a bit better (or even a lot better) on those really bad days especially when we know we’re not doing our best and are showing up badly but can’t seem to help ourselves? Sure. And generally speaking, even then, are we doing the best we can? Probably.
People don’t show up badly, disappoint, or fail each other because they’re trying to. People just are. And sometimes we just don’t know how.
Yesterday when I was edgy with the parents of one of my kids’ friends, it wasn’t because I wanted to be a jerk or am a jerk. I was scared, feeling protective, and doing my best.
When your friend gets upset at you for declining a request to connect or because you’ve been too “busy” or “richly scheduled,” it’s not because that person is bad or selfish. Your friend may just miss you, be afraid of losing you, or be struggling with his or her own busyness.
When your colleagues get frustrated with you for not showing up how they want you to, it’s not because they’re terrible people. They may be disappointed, feeling tremendous pressure, or even working through their own stuff.
When your kid or partner blames you for a bad day at school or work, it’s not because you did anything wrong or aren’t doing enough as a parent or partner. You are safe space to lose it and let it all hang out.
When George gives you a hard time, projects all his stuff on you, or blames you for being a bad or flaky coworker or leader, it’s not because George sucks. George is managing his own challenges, pain, and discomfort (and may not even know it).
We’re all doing the best we can.
And yet at times it may not feel like enough for ourselves and others in our lives.
When expectations and projections collide—whether on the receiving or sending end—the path can be tricky to navigate. Throw in tender agendas as well as doing our best and still not feeling like it’s enough for other people’s (or our own) problems and expectations, and it can be a catastrophe. So we need awareness and presence to figure out what’s what, who’s who, and what the heck we even stand for.
Of course we don’t know what a George, Georgette, Mary, or Marvin is going through or what’s behind the emotions or actions projected toward us. Still, we can assume good, meet things with grace, and take care of ourselves with intention and boundaries so as to not clobber or get clobbered by OPPPE.
Other People’s Problems
You’re heading out the door (or off to a meeting, to the gym, or even to the sofa with a good book for some much needed me time), and your phone rings. You see the Caller ID and your heart drops . . . it’s that person again. You know if you answer, you’re likely in for a long conversation about problems, drama, or that thing she’s (or he’s) been complaining about for months (and not fixing). You decide not to answer the phone and instead stay focused, honor your space, and keep your energy clean for whatever you were about to do. You’ll call her (or him) later. (Ah, that feels good.)
But that person calls again, or maybe texts, and despite your best knowing, you pick up.
As you sensed, it’s go time. And now his or her problem is your problem. You’re sucked in. Thirty minutes later, you’re exhausted. Your energy is lower, and you’re not your best self for your next commitment (or you’ve missed it all together). You also know you weren’t your best for him or her. Why? Because your own energy was off. You knew not to have that conversation. You overrode your intuition and your agreement with yourself to be more intentional about these kinds of pickups.
Now nobody has won. You’re depleted. The person feels let down. The whole thing is a bummer.
And now you’re mad.
But are you mad at the person? No. Look closer . . . you knew what to expect. You picked up. And you got sucked in to the first “P” of OPPPE: someone else’s problems.
Here’s the thing. The person had you at “hello.” Before you even said a word, your energetic state was compromised. Why? Because you broke your agreement with yourself to hold your space and not get hooked. And this made you more susceptible to any negative contagions you’d meet on the other side of that conversation.
This could have happened on the phone, in person, at the office, at the grocery store—anywhere. It could be personal, business, family—anything. The scenario is the same: someone has a problem and wants you to commiserate in the problem (and maybe fix it), and the time or topic is not right for you to serve or have the conversation. But you override this knowing, relinquish your space, and bam . . . you’re into OPPPE!
You might be irritated with him or her, but really if you look deeper, you’re likely frustrated with yourself.
Great news! You have the power to shift this dynamic.
First, breathe. Notice where you got hooked. Envision how you would do this differently next time (pause time, response, and any boundaries or agreements that would support this situation in the future), let that land and rewire your future process, and let it go.
HELP: A Formula for Navigating the “Problem P” of OPPPE
Most of us have had some version of this experience: the guy who wants you to stop everything to brainstorm or fix his problems, your neighbor who stops you at the corner to complain, your kid’s friend’s parent who grabs you in the grocery store to gab about her issues, your colleague who keeps dropping the ball or repeating the same problem over and over again.
I’m not saying don’t help. I’m saying don’t take on the person’s problem, and make sure you’re in the right space to support as you are best able so as not to compromise your own well-being. (Oxygen masks, remember?)
Being helpful and contributing are human needs; we want to show up for each other, and we can do so in a way that sets us up for success. We can value being a good friend and being available, while at the same time holding boundaries for protecting our time and mental and emotional energy in order to be the best and most present coworker or friend possible.
In order to do this, you can pause, be conscious of your triggers, and design boundaries to support how you show up.
The next time someone comes at you with the first P in OPPPE, asks you for support or to “have a chat,” or anything in this domain that feels “off” or heavy, HELP.
HELP
The following is a formula I’ve created to help me create intentional space for myself in order to be as helpful and supportive to others in the best ways possible. I’ve personally found this to be wildly useful (as have those I’ve shared it with). Modify this to make it congruent for you.
1. Hold/Honor. Don’t respond instantly to everything. Take a pause. Ask yourself, “Can I serve best in this moment? Am I in the right space to contribute?” Hold the energetic state and boundary of service and intention. Be willing to decline calls, requests, and conversations that don’t allow you to be fully present or bubbled up so you can serve well.
2. Engage/Enroll. When you do respond, ask the other person to be specific. What’s the topic? How much time would he or she like? How can you be most helpful? And what are some potential times to talk so you can both be present? Asking what is wanted or needed from you (to just listen and be present, give advice, solve the problem, etc.) reduces ambiguity, saves mental energy, and is crucial for how you’ll show up for that conversation. Getting clear here allows you (and the person) to plan and to be more fully present and in the right headspace to contribute.
3. Love/Lean in. When you do talk, give the person 100 percent of your presence and care—100 percent. Contribute as best you can. Love the heck out of the person. Be generous. Be there.
4. Plan/Parameters. Be clean about the conversation and your role. Is it something you are qualified for and the best person to support him or her in? If yes, great. If not (because it needs specific expertise from another team member, professional, or even a therapist), communicate that. And . . . if the person wants to just chronically complain and not resolve anything, acknowledge that reality too. The superpowers of curiosity, contribution, and naming it are helpful here. If you know you are incapable of hosting a long “complaint session,” then name it and perhaps offer to be the person’s Responsible Venting Partner, or RVP. (See “When They Really Just Want to Complain and Be Heard.”) But be clean about what you will and won’t hold for the person.
Just as we teach people how to treat us, we train them how to come to us with problems. If you don’t hold boundaries and stay honest and clean, but instead get hooked by OPPPE when it doesn’t feel good, you can’t HELP. And if this is a recurring event that frustrates you, it’s not their fault; it’s on you. You’ve trained that.
Train differently.
When They Really Just Want to Complain and Be Heard
This happens. Sometimes we just need to let out feelings that are bottled up inside. This is where Responsible Venting Partners (RVPs) come in handy. The job of an RVP is to witness, hold space, and also hold the other person accountable to do something about his or her frustrations. The job of the RVP is not to complain with the person, make it worse, collude, rescue, or foster a chronic complaining relationship.
Here’s how it works: with agreements for “safety, confidentiality, and no judgment” in place, give the person a three- to five-minute “whining window” or “clearing container.” The person has full permission to go at it and “clear his or her space.” (You simply hold sacred space in silence.) At minute three or five, stop the person and ask, “OK, now what would you like to do about it? How can I help?”
What if the person is more committed to the continual complaining than to creating a solution? Then name it (with care), and let the person know when he or she is ready to do something about it, you’re happy to support. In the meantime, a few more conscious and intentionally contained RVP sessions may be needed. (I find that once I’ve given people full permission and space for this, they often don’t need it anymore and instead get into productive action to shift or are clearer on the kind of support they do need.)
Other People’s Projections
Projection is a tricky beast.
We project our experiences, feelings, thoughts, and judgments—good and bad—on each other all the time consciously and more often unconsciously.
Projection is energy and a form of communication through presence and a way of being that is usually communicated nonverbally.
Projection is the mechanism of a contagion, either positive or negative. To project is human, to be aware of it and in command of it, divine. The leadership practice is in being aware of our state, being responsible for our experience, and exercising our “choice points” (as discussed in Chapters 7 and 8). This enables us to choose what energy we will project, what we will say, and what we will take on. You can only do this if you’re aware and conscious of what’s happening. (Hence the point of this book.)
And it’s contagious. The more I project on you, and you take it, the more you project on me with your own triggers, and I take it. Before you know it, we’re infecting anyone around us who’s open to a little projection.
Have you ever been in a meeting where it’s going beautifully and then someone comes in who has just come from a stressful meeting (or conversation) that he or she is irritated about, and then that person leads the room through that energy? Before you know it, the rest of the people in the room start to “catch it” and now they’re tense as well. When people leave that meeting (now infected), they head to another meeting, bringing that energy with them, only to infect the next people they come in contact with. (This can happen in a one-on-one conversation or with a big group.) If you’ve experienced this, you’ve experienced contagious projection.
Have you ever had someone hurt you and then you took it out on someone else? Have you ever had a bad day and then gone and spewed toxins on social media? Have you ever been ticked off about something, perhaps feeling unheard, unseen, or unvalued, and then jumped in your car only to rage at the traffic or other drivers? (They did nothing; you’re just projecting your frustration at them.) Or perhaps you went home to see your darling family and lost your temper because someone forgot to do something as promised? (It was small, not a big deal, but your projection of what just happened earlier makes it a big deal.) Yes? You’ve experience contagious projection.
If you’ve ever had someone tell you how you should feel, and then you started to feel that way—congrats, you’ve been projected upon, you caught the vibe, and you became it.
Of course, it works both ways: we are projected upon, and we project upon each other—and we do this in negative ways and also positive ways.
The trick is not to never do it, but rather to be conscious of it, to catch it, to breathe, to be responsible for it, to get curious, and to get into right relationship with ourselves and others as quickly and consciously as possible. This is a practice—it is a leadership muscle.
Max and OPPPE
So what does projection look like?
We started this book with Max in Chapter 1. Let’s break down what happened, with the idea of projection in mind.
As you’ll recall, Max was having a day. He came at me (and the woman talking with me at the time) with his “stuff.” I felt his negative energy, and because I was present and clear, I recognized it quickly as a projection. At that moment, I had a choice point: (1) get sucked in, match him, catch his negatively contagious energy, feel bad, doubt myself, and lose my space; or (2) take a breath, stay present, recognize the negative contagion bait, hold my space, know this was not mine, get curious, and engage with grace.
Ultimately, I chose option two. I didn’t match his energy. Doing so would have meant letting his energy enter me and then me reacting back at him. This would have created a negative contagion feedback loop that I would now have been a part of. This loop would have fed the fire, created more resistance, and ultimately had us spiraling together. We’d have ended up going back and forth, building up our negative contagions (like an out-of-control snowball), and dropping the energy even more, until it became a full-blown argument, one of us walked away, or ultimately we just both felt revved up and crappy. No matter which way, had I chosen option one and gotten hooked into OPPPE, the negative energy would now be in me and then I’d likely go out and project it onto others. (Unless, I was aware of this and able to reboot back into clean and clear presence using my IEP!)
Reception and Projection
Does the scenario in the last section sound familiar? You may have been so close to it, you couldn’t see it (until later).
Here are more real-life examples, on both sides (being projected upon and projecting out). Because we’re all in this together, and these are common, I’m using the collective you.
Perhaps you have made business decisions based on projections from others’ advice. Only to find later, when you got quiet and looked inside yourself, that you’d just taken a left turn (taking your team with you) that was not yours, but rather guided by what someone else was struggling with.
And . . . you’ve likely given advice grounded in your own experience and unconscious projections.
You may have ended friendships that were laced with assumptions, projections, and soul-sucking expectations.
And . . . you may have had unreasonable expectations of people in your own life that were based on your own unconsciousness, pain, and challenges.
You may have second-guessed yourself on other people’s projections, doubting your own feelings or desires.
And . . . you may have told others how they should feel based upon your interpretation of their situation.
You may have dumbed yourself down to match other people’s problems, wanting to fit in and not seem too happy or great.
And . . . you may have judged people for being so happy and great and “rah-rah!” when you were struggling or not feeling like enough.
You may have made a decision about a client or colleague based upon someone else’s filter and guidance, and later you found out your experience of that person was completely different.
And . . . you may have polluted someone else’s experience with your own filter.
You may have shrunk your power to match a lower vibe because to break connection or leave someone behind would be too painful and you wanted to belong.
And . . . you may have hoped others would be small with you—or even said or did things to keep them small—when you were feeling small.
You know you are dealing with a projection from others when what they say is not at all what you are experiencing—it feels off.
For example, you get a divorce, get laid off, or have some big life event happen. Some will say “Omg, I’m sorry, how terrible, you must be wrecked,” when in truth you’re doing really well. Or some will treat it like no big thing, “a gift(!),” sing “everything happens for a reason,” or growl “get over it already!” when actually you’re not there at all and need extra tender loving care.
Sometimes our own assumptions about, and projections onto, others are really things going on with ourselves, for example:
• You think someone’s mad at you or avoiding you, but really you’re mad at or avoiding that person (or yourself).
• You don’t trust anyone . . . because you’re not trustable.
• You think everyone judges you . . . because you judge.
• You think everyone is lying . . . because you lie.
• You think people think you suck at your job . . . because you think you suck at it.
• You think your partner is cheating on you . . . because you have thoughts of cheating or you have a history of being cheated on, so you look for it (even unconsciously).
• You think your spouse has lost the magic for you . . . because in truth, you’re a little bored yourself.
• You think someone is too busy and not showing up for you . . . because actually you’re too busy and not showing up for you (or that person).
• You don’t tell someone the truth . . . because you think he or she can’t handle the truth (you’d be terrified to hear that truth!).
• You avoid giving direct feedback . . . because you’re afraid to get it. (This is extra toxic if you then judge people harshly when they fail.)
• You give someone feedback or advice that is actually for you.
Projection is everywhere. It’s created through past experiences, forecasted experiences, and our own internal landscaping, emotions, fears, desires, and judgments. We lovely human beings walk through our worlds working our stuff, with our own backgrounds, wounds, and tender agendas, filtering life through our lens, and reflecting and projecting it upon each other.
To project is human. To have awareness and to be responsible for what we put out there in service of other humans, is leadership.
Note: Heads up! Even in this book, as I share these ideas and stories, I have to be very careful not to project my own beliefs upon you. This is where we need caring feedback from others. For this book, in places where I wanted to “check myself” and be extra responsible for content, I’ve pulled in subject-matter experts. For this chapter in particular, I consulted with Dr. Victoria Stevens, a Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst on the power and nuances of OPPPE.
Propelling Your Projection Prowess
Want to strengthen your projection awareness muscles?
Here are five steps:
1. Be present. You’ve got this one. That’s what this book has taught you so far.
2. Notice. Notice what happens in your body when you are judging, giving someone advice, being self-righteous, attacking, or feeling attacked. Most often, when we’re projecting, or experiencing being projected upon, there’s a feeling in our body. This may show up as contraction or feeling dirty or crooked. The minute we have this sense, we’re at choice to own it and proceed accordingly.
3. Get curious. The trick is not to make ourselves feel wrong for projecting or being projected upon. Instead, the mastery is in noticing it and getting curious about what’s here? What’s mine? What’s theirs? Where might I need support because something tender is getting triggered? What’s next?
4. Receiving it? Course-correct. If you are on the receiving end, take what resonates (or serves), find the gift (or the boundary), and move forward. Don’t take someone else’s stuff on as your own.
5. Sending it? Course-correct. If you’re on the sending end—and you’re aware of it—stop. Take back your projection before you act or say anything. If it’s too late and you’ve already spoken or acted, you can clean it up. This is called a “repair.” Acknowledge that you were making an assumption or that you had expectations that were not spoken or agreed to by the other person. Own it, apologize as you feel right, and move forward clean. Naming it is being responsible for it. The repair heals, connects, builds trust and credibility, and is an act of leadership.
When we clarify projections, we can keep the container clean, stay in grace and appreciation, thank people for their input, take what serves and resonates, and move forward true to ourselves.
Other People’s (Contagious) Expectations
Expectations of how people should show up for you, or how you think they should be, are the building blocks, rebar, and foundation for a big old “house of resentment.”
Assumptions take us many places, most often wrong, leading to even more broken expectations.
We have expectations of how people should show up for us, how they should perform, what they should hold as important, and what they should do for us. We have assumptions about what people agree to, how they feel about us (or anything), how busy they are, what’s going on in their lives, and why they did something.
Both expectations and assumptions are a form of projection. (Assumptions inform expectations, which become projections; the whole process is almost always done unconsciously.*)
Neither work out so great.
Trying to live up to someone else’s expectations and assumptions (especially when they’re from that person’s own projections and are not in service of us—or vice versa) sets the tone for burnout, takes us out of presence, and diminishes trust and credibility on both sides. For example, your spouse, colleague, friend, or parent thinks you should show up a certain way, take on a particular profession, think like that person does about life, or share a core value (e.g., fitness)—and you don’t. However, you keep trying to live up to it and make that person happy by trying to meet his or her expectations and assumptions. You’ll likely get quite tired. Not only that, but your focus then becomes more on external validation and striving than on internal presence and congruency. This will have an impact on your energetic presence. People will sense something is off.
So how do we navigate expectations and assumptions (those of others and our own)? We stay present and clear. We stay tuned in. And we remember. We remember we all have unconscious expectations and assumptions; we all have our preferences for how things should look and be, and we all want what we want. So then we stay in our lane, show up in a way that is true for us, check ourselves, and name our expectations and assumptions as clearly, cleanly, and proactively as possible.
Our First Priority in OPPPE
When it comes to other people’s problems, our first priority is to honor our own self-care and space, to hold appropriate boundaries, to ask for what we need to be most helpful, and then to support and serve as best we can in the cleanest manner possible. Does this mean we don’t care or don’t help when others have problems? No, not even a little. Actually, when done with intention and consciousness, it’s the opposite. Staying conscious, holding boundaries, and honoring our space means we can help others more because we didn’t get sucked into OPPPE where we are of no help to anyone.
This means we work our IEP. Big time.
Remember, 70 percent of this work is in the awareness; the other 30 percent is what you do with it. As you become more aware of OPPPE and your hooks, it may feel daunting at first, and hang with it. Before you know it, noticing and navigating it will become the new norm.
This is a lifelong practice. I still get sucked into people’s stuff. I still get triggered. I still make stuff up. I project and get projected upon. I get hooked into OPPPE more often than I’d like, especially when I’m close to someone or care a lot. And I’m way faster at catching it, rebooting, and getting myself to a healthier space to decide next steps.
Remember, presence, not perfection.
Not Everyone Will Love Your OPPPE Management Style
When you start to get clear on how you want to navigate OPPPE, not everyone will like it. As your awareness, boundaries, leadership style, and way of relating get bolder and cleaner, you may find your relationships change. People push back. They may get angry. You may even lose friends. This may sound terrifying, and I agree, it doesn’t always feel great. However, trust that being true to yourself and honoring your space makes you better for everyone. And trust that at the end of the day, you being clean, congruent, and in right relationship with yourself means more peace, authenticity, trust, and credibility with those you are in relationship with.
I think we all struggle with the notion of letting someone down, being kicked out of community, or losing someone because we don’t show up the way the person wants us to. (By the way, these are all assumptions that include fears. When we’re aware of these, it’s a great time to move to curiosity and ask if our assumptions are really true.)
I’ve found that 97 percent of the time people are grateful for boundaries, clarity, and the understanding of what they can count on us for. And what we can be counted on for and what they want are not always a match—in which case this clarity becomes even more valuable. Clarity creates safety, clears assumptions and false expectations, and sets us up to be present with each other in an authentic way. Why would you want a relationship any different?
Your best friends, colleagues, family members, and the people you want to surround yourself with will be grateful for, inspired by, and supportive of your clarity and becoming. I’ve learned that this level of truth, clarity, and clean lines only leaves our truest relationships stronger, more intimate, and more powerful. And if truth and clean lines don’t work, it’s not always bad. You may just be dealing with a relationship whose arc is complete or that needs to be redefined. It’s all good. Stay true, because being designed by each other’s OPPPE does not serve any of us, our energy, or our leadership in the world.
Creating Boundaries That Serve
One of the most frequent questions I get in this work is “How do I create healthy boundaries? How do I say ‘yes’ to me without my ‘no’ totally letting someone down?”
I have two answers for this. The first is a three-step formula I’ll share in a minute.
The second, is this . . . if you are present, holding your space, clear on what you stand for, taking care of yourself, and coming from love, and you have positive intentions, then boundaries become less daunting. I could even say boundaries become less necessary, because when we’re clear, we naturally hold a clean container and energetically communicate what our boundaries are.
That being said, it’s useful to get in the practice of identifying and naming them. Awareness, clarity, and action make this easier.
Step 1: Awareness
When you catch yourself feeling that “pull” or “hook” to get sucked into someone’s stuff, take on his or her projections, or feel bad because you’re not showing up how that person might want you to—stop. Notice and get present to what’s happening in your body. What’s the feeling that has you aware something’s off? Where does it live in your body? The more you pay attention to this, the faster you’ll catch when OPPPE is happening. Get present, breathe, bubble up, and . . . get clear.
Step 2: Clarity
Ask yourself these questions:
1. What is the current situation? (No drama, no making stuff up. Just the facts: What do I know and what do I not know?)
2. What about this situation is my business? (In other words, if I respond, if it works for me to talk, what requests I make so I can be available, and how I show up in that conversation.)
3. What about this situation is not my business? (In other words, how the person responds, what the person thinks of me, and why he or she keeps creating this situation over and over again.)
4. What are my criteria for “yes,” “no,” and “not now, later”? (This relates to your priorities on time, energy, your team’s needs, your well-being, and other obligations. It also relates to “Am I the best person to help? Can I? And do I want to?”)
5. What will work for me now so I can show up clean and in service? (What requests do I have? What communication or information is needed?)
Step 3: Action
Now you have better awareness and information to respond with so you can show up well, support whatever is happening in the most helpful way possible, and also honor your own well-being and space.
Note: If this is hard, or it is a chronic issue, or you notice you feel fuzzy or have a hard time creating or holding a boundary with a particular person (or area), get support. Ask a friend, coach, advisor, or therapist to work through it with you.
Fieldwork: Make It Real
Let’s make this content even more conscious in your life. An invitation for you to apply what you’ve learned in this chapter as it resonates most and to play with the additional following 20 ways to work with OPPPE as they serve you best.
20 (More) Ways to Work with OPPPE
Use these together, pick one (or more), lean in for what you need most right now, and change your game:
1. Be aware. Just know it exists. No need to blame, feel victim to it, or run for cover—it just is. You know you best; stand in for you.
2. Stay in the right business. Your business is your business. Nobody else’s business is your business. Stay awake to what your business is and is not.
3. Honor the right monkeys. “Not my circus, not my monkeys”—in other words, stay in your space. Now if their monkeys mess with your monkeys, you may want to do something about their circus. But other than that, let’s all honor our own monkeys.
4. Beware of your physical cues and language. Contraction, feeling like you’re not clean about something, extra-strong emotion, self-righteousness, judgment, and blame are all signs of projection and unreasonable expectations.
5. Get clear on your own Essential You. Your values, purpose, vision, and authenticity create solid ground to stand on.
6. Take really good care of yourself; nourish your resource state. Stay connected to intuition, catch when things are off and correct as needed, get sleep, eat well, move your body, meditate, create space (turn off your phone, social media, and TV as needed), and do whatever you need to do to be the best, clearest instrument of change.
7. Intend. Remember that the strongest intention wins. If you have no intention, the default (or other people’s agendas for you) will win. So again, tap into your IEP. Level-up!
8. Keep your priorities straight. Be so clear about what’s most important that you are unwilling to compromise your energy and bandwidth. Are you up for drama if it sucks the life out of you? Where do you prioritize self-care, other people’s expectations, and showing up for you and showing up for them, and what is it all in service of? Step back. Make your priorities clear (for you first), and then design criteria and boundaries to support those priorities.
9. Be clear about your boundaries. The clearer we are about who we are and what our boundaries are, and the more we can trust ourselves to honor both, the less we need to worry about losing our space, being judgmental, or getting hooked into another’s drama.
10. Have clear criteria for what you say “yes,” “no,” and “not now, later” to; those you share tender information with; and what kinds of things you can be most helpful in with your expertise and bandwidth.
11. “No” is a complete sentence. If something doesn’t feel right, a full clean “no” is way better than an incongruent “yes.” Just say “no.” You do not have to justify it . Your gut is fine.
12. Have clear expectations about what you expect and what you can be counted on for. Speak to it with friends and colleagues, have an active dialogue, and don’t leave that conversation without agreement of not only what this looks like, but how you want to navigate it when it falls apart.
13. Know that your definition of how you want others to show up and their definition of how they want to show up may be very different. Be aware of this. Look for where you’re imposing your “stuff” on them. And find the gifts. Where something is really important, make requests and also work with them in the codesign of what success might look like for each of you.
14. Be clear on what you want, ask for what you want, be prepared to negotiate the difference, and be ready even to be told “no.” Let it be OK. This goes for anything, but especially in managing expectations.
15. Own your projection. If you know you are, or even sense it, name it. Naming it cleans it up, clears the energetic field, and enables the person to receive your contribution (or reaction) in a way that he or she has all the information. The person can decide accordingly what to do with it.
16. Don’t rescue! Don’t rob! When we bail others out, fix them, take their issues on as our own, or come to the rescue so they don’t have to deal with their own lack of planning, thinking, accountability, action, and so on, we rob them of the experience of learning how to navigate their own challenges. Serve and support—help even—but don’t rescue. Let them do their work.
17. Opt out of the relational Drama Triangle. Watch yourself falling into victim (I’m helpless! Nothing is my fault!), hero (I’ll save you; you can’t do it!), or perpetrator (I’ll blame you, punish you, and take your opportunities away!) roles. None work. Instead, be accountable. With accountability, the victim becomes author and creator, the hero becomes coach and champion, and the perpetrator becomes provocateur and advocate.
18. Make sure it’s yours. If you’re feeling pressured about something and it feels off, check in. Is it your dream, your value system being honored, your desire? Or is it someone else’s being projected upon you? Don’t make the person wrong; he or she likely means no harm. Just be aware and do what makes sense for you.
19. Love them big and hold your space. Holding your space is love.
20. Don’t worry about any of this. Just live. Enjoy. Serve. Show up. Work your IEP. It will all work itself out.
* I’m referring to projection in this chapter as “unconscious.” While I understand that “unconscious,” “subconscious,” and “nonconscious” are often used interchangeably, for the sake of simplicity I am using “unconscious.” I’ve found this terminology, along with the ideas offered in this chapter, useful for the purpose of navigating and optimizing our IEP. For more resources on the topic of projection, please see the Contagious You Resource Toolkit in Chapter 16.