CHAPTER 10
But What About “That Guy/Gal”? Understand Them.
There will always be “that guy” or “that gal” or the infamous “they”—mind your business, hold your space, do your thing, and if you really want to lead, love them up.
“So what about George?” Remember him from Chapter 1?
You’re doing your work. Your IEP is strong, and you’re IEP-ing along, clear on impact and purpose, minding your own business, using your superpowers, and serving as you go. And then comes “George” (or “Georgette” or “G”). No matter how much personal work you do, that extremely negative person seems to show up in every room, at every annual family event, and every time you want to engage people in a different initiative.
You know better now than to make that person wrong, get hooked, or lose your power. You also know to check yourself before you wreck yourself because the best way to work with G is to work with yourself first. But still, what’s the best way to deal with these personality types?
In Chapters 1 and 2, when it was all about you, I gave you some indicators and an assessment to know if and how you might be George. Now that we’re in the navigating relationships part of the book, this chapter gives you four common types of George, and some frameworks to guide, learn from, contribute, and even complete altogether with G when it’s just not meant to be.
“George” Is Everywhere
We’ve all worked with, hired, avoided, been burned by, and/or learned from George. We have also likely been George at some point in our lives, and not even known it. It’s possible you may be someone’s George right now.
George is in your meeting sucking the life out of the room with his very presence.
Georgette is at the planning session complaining about everything and naysaying every idea you come up with.
George is hosting cultural training and leadership development programs, but not attending them.
Georgette is at your dinner table “Debbie Downer-ing” all the good ideas you bring up.
George is taking all the credit for the good stuff, no accountability for the bad stuff, and leading in a “Do as I say, not as I do” kind of way.
Georgette may even be in your head as your biggest bully offering the voice of judgment, blame, and self-doubt.
They are in your meetings, in your audience, at your annual events, rolling their eyes, crossing their arms, being negatively contagious, gathering allies, and—if you let them—exhausting you before you’ve even started.
And it’s OK. You’ve got this. And you’re closer than you think to working through it.
While you can’t control or change the Georges in your life, you can definitely influence them. Remember, you are contagious. I’ve worked with many Georges, and I’ve seen others navigate their own, and what I know is that G can shift with the right leadership, space, timing, and invitation.
One of the ultimate acts of leadership is to hold your space with grace, be you, lead, love, help things go well, and be an invitation in service of another’s greatness. Georges make us better leaders. George may be your greatest teacher right now, and if you stay intentional, present, and energetically clear, you may find yourself becoming the invitation for George to shift.
That’s leadership.
So Who Is George?
There are many types of Georges. The descriptions in this section are extreme versions. Your George may fit perfectly in one of these, have tendencies for one or two, or be a fine blend of all on the George spectrum.
Data George is numbers-driven, is highly analytical, and scoffs at anything that can’t be measured, proved, or put in a concrete box. You may experience his energy as sharp, intimidating, negative, buzz-killing, and even cold. He means no ill will; it is simply how he’s wired. He wants the facts. The “soft stuff” may be intimidating to him; it is unknown, is hard to quantify, requires vulnerability, and is a new way of thinking about outcomes. This is not a “bad” George. This George can become your greatest advocate and partner if you show up, do the work, and listen to where he’s coming from. His leadership style may be very different from yours. Great, learn to influence him and you can influence others like him. This George can be a tremendous gift in stretching perspective and thinking if we stay conscious and curious and look for the good.
Note: When this George adds in a bit of curiosity and space for the soft stuff, he becomes even more brilliant and relatable.
Gloomy Georgette brings doom, gloom, and heavy energy wherever she goes. Hanging out with her is like wading through energetic mud. There’s always a crisis, a complaint, a story to be told in which she is the victim, something hard has happened, some reason why things aren’t going to work. She may find you on your kid’s playground, at the grocery store, or in your office. Even a phone call with her can wipe you out if you let it. You find yourself bubbling up and doing extra IEP work in preparation for any encounter with her. She means no harm; the struggle is real but . . . she is exhausting to be with. She may say she wants things to change, but the mileage and attention she gets out of the “drain train,” the coziness and familiarity of the status quo, and the habit of her negative thinking, make her think she can’t make the changes. (But she can.) The gift of this Georgette? She makes us appreciate the light, bounce back from the dark, ground ourselves in higher-vibration states, get clear on necessary boundaries, and learn compassionate leadership in new ways.
Note: When this Georgette is given space to be heard, seen, and cared about while being held and championed as a powerful human who is the author of her life and responsible for her outcomes, she can experience an invitation to step up, and often will. (Tip: Hear, see, care, champion, invite, and make sure your IEP is genuinely right.)
King George is the George who has no idea he’s George but rather seems to think he is the boss, King Boss. He struts around, walks in late to meetings, talks a big game, passes the buck, and takes the credit. He also speaks badly about others, obliterates trust and safety, leaves “dead bodies” everywhere he goes, laughs at things like “vulnerability” and “feelings in business,” looks for gossip, is condescending and inconsiderate, and gives people what I call “the ick.” While he may be wildly talented, seem confident, and say that things like “authenticity and safety” are important—he’s usually the most feared, least respected, “falsely followed,” and most insecure of them all. The possible gifts of this George for you? Resilience, boundary clarification, seeing the humanity in everyone, and building greater skills in holding your space and meeting people where they are without compromising your energy or values.
Note: King George can be one of the people most positively impacted by this work, and your contagiousness, if you can find a genuine space to meet him where he is, give him productive direct feedback, and tap into his intended legacy and long-term impact.
Georgy Georgette knows she’s Georgette, and . . . doesn’t really care. She got here by being who she is, and if people don’t like it, too bad. She has no interest in changing. She’s terrifying to be in a room with. She’ll throw you under the bus faster than you can say “contagious.” If she’s forced into any kind of leadership development, she is likely doing it because a bonus or a bigger move in her career is at stake. Here’s the thing. Georgy Georgette may be one of the most successful people in the company. She may be making your organization a ton of money and be adored by clients, so the company will not be exiting her anytime soon. (The company doesn’t think it can’t afford to, but doesn’t realize, yet, that it can’t afford to keep tolerating her behavior either.) The gift of Georgy Georgette? She gets stuff done, but often at the expense of the humans around her. Your job is to learn to navigate this Georgette more effectively, be aware of what you can count on from her, and ask for what you want clearly. You’ll also need to notice even the littlest moments of impact and opportunity, hold her accountable for toxic behavior by naming it (and even reporting it to your HR or compliance department), and, as necessary, guard your loins.
Note: This is the trickiest Georgette, and she can shift if she finds a compelling enough reason to. Sometimes the shift is surface-level, and oftentimes if sustainable genuine shifts don’t occur, a company will exit this Georgette when the cost on the culture and other players on the team becomes too great.
These are all extreme examples of four common types of Georges and interacting with them personally. In some cases simply being the change you wish to see will shift a George, sometimes it’s feedback, and sometimes it’s more extreme measures.
Why Is George, “George”?
I’ve sat in many rooms with Georges, and I can tell you three things:
1. Rarely does anyone set out to be George. People generally do not wake up and say, “I’m going to make everyone’s life harder today” or “I’m going to be a terrible leader” or “I’m going to be the lowest vibration in the room.”
2. George is a human being, and when people are showing up like George, there is usually a very human reason, including:
• They may be feeling insecure or vulnerable.
• Something bad has happened to them.
• They don’t feel safe or valued.
• They feel they need to prove something.
• Their feelings are hurt.
• They feel irrelevant or unseen.
• They want to be important.
• They need support or healing.
• They just aren’t aware of their impact.
• They’re busy or overwhelmed.
• They’re exhausted and not managing themselves well.
• They just don’t know how to shift. (Yet.)
3. Georgette often doesn’t even know she’s Georgette. She actually desires to do good, to show up beautifully, and to be helpful.
So how does someone become George? I believe that question is best answered by asking ourselves how we’ve become George at times. Things happen. Life experience, bad behavior that isn’t given honest and direct feedback, unconscious impact, bad modeling, bad habits, assumptions, fatigue—all these things play a role in our Georgeness. We can also become George due to history, insecurities, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, childhood stuff, and self-protection. These are all part of the human experience. And instead of being vulnerable, getting curious, asking for support, or taking a pause, we may armor up, act out, and fortify bad habits that have worked for us and even been rewarded in the past. Done over time chronically, we become George.
To “George” is human.
Working with George
In the scenarios shared in this book, there have been core practices, intentions, and ways of being to support your dance with George/Georgette. Before I give you more, are we all in agreement that we must check ourselves first and do our own work before we get huffy about them? Do you get that you holding your space, staying clear, taking care of yourself, being positively contagious, leading with love, and being the change you wish to see is your best bet for creating change around you?
Good.
So now when you run into George and you’ve done your own work, you have three basic options:
1. Appreciate and navigate.
2. Serve and lead.
3. Honor, codesign, and complete the relationship as necessary.
For best results, to avoid #3 all together, use a blend of #1 and #2.
To make this more real, at the end of this chapter I’ll share one of the trickiest situations I’ve ever witnessed with one person who wanted to lean in and make things right and one who didn’t. This work doesn’t always have a happy ending. In fact, it can be messy. How you navigate the mess will determine your ability to lead, influence, and create the impact you desire.
Appreciate and Navigate
Appreciation makes the world go round, and intentional navigation can move mountains. So let’s put this to use with George and see what magic we can create.
Navigating George
You may notice at this point in the book that George is becoming less challenging to work with and that solutions for working with him are becoming more obvious. You might also notice that navigating issues isn’t as difficult as it was, and people aren’t irritating or affecting you as much as they used to. You may feel clearer, tuned in, energized, on purpose, and in alignment. One of the coolest things about owning our space and doing our work is that when we change ourselves, take care of ourselves, and feel solid from within—everything, including George, looks and feels different.
So celebrate that. And let’s get you a few more more tools for navigating and leading George.
Bubble Up
The “bubble” is a tool I’ve spoken about throughout this book (especially in Chapter 5) and write about more deeply in Contagious Culture. It’s your energetic space—100 percent yours. Imagine it is about 18 inches around you on all sides: above, below, front, back, side to side (Figure 10.1). It’s made out of whatever you wish (glass, steel, bubbly material), and it’s filled with your energy. It is a protective, nourishing, energetic boundary.
FIGURE 10.1 The IEP Bubble
The bubble creates more space for our pause, gives us a moment to decide how to respond, and helps us interact with the world and people around us more effectively. We get to decide what gets in, what we let out, what we hold, what we clear and release, and ultimately how we respond.
Our bubble is always present, and we can forget it and lose our space when we’re moving fast, feeling overwhelmed, or not present ourselves.
A confrontation or simple interaction with George is a great place to activate the bubble. Take a deep breath and remember you have your space. Then, own your bubble (it can help to visualize it all around you), and set an intention that this bubble is a safe space and no one’s negativity is getting in it.
The bubble doesn’t make George, our problems, or chaos go away. It creates a boundary, giving us our own clear space to decide how to interact with George and navigate the situation versus overreacting and becoming energetically overwhelmed.
Use Your Superpowers
The superpowers I put in your toolkit in Chapter 7 work beautifully when it comes to navigating George. The more you use them, the more they become habits, and the less you’ll need them.
Here’s what I’ve found over the years: the stronger my IEP, the cleaner my energetic hygiene, and the clearer I am on my intention, the more I trust myself not to get hooked into George or drama, the less stuff bugs me, and the less I find issues with George. I can see things clearer, influence more effectively, be kinder, know what superpowers to use as necessary, and walk away easier when I need to. My clients report similar results with the Georges in their lives, too. (Note: The more you do this work, the more you’ll likely find that anytime you’re really triggered by George is an indication of the next level of personal work you get to do to expand your leadership ranges and edges. #growth)
Love Your “Nemesis”
Our biggest challengers can be our greatest teachers and a gift if we let them be.
In working with Georgette, especially if there is specific tension, you’ll want to take the energetic and emotional “charge” out so you can see and be more clearly. These questions can help increase awareness and loosen up tension to create space for different perspectives:
1. What is the issue? What’s really triggering me?
2. What can I appreciate about him/her?
3. What does he/she have that I want?
4. How am I like him/her?
5. What’s it like for him/her to be in relationship with me? (How am I showing up?)
6. Where are my feelings hurt? (And is he/she even aware there is an issue?)
7. What am I not saying that needs to be said? (And what do I actually want?)
For a fuller version of this exercise, see the Contagious You Resources Toolkit offered in Chapter 16.
Appreciate George and the Present State
Can you appreciate George? Can you appreciate the moment? Can you appreciate the tension? Here are three questions to set you free:
• What can I appreciate about George? (He asks for what he wants. He’s stubborn. She’s demanding. She’s making me a better leader as I figure out how to navigate this situation with her. This person is a human being.)
• What can I appreciate about this moment? (I’m alive. I am in touch with my emotions. I know I’ll grow from this. I’m wise and present enough to ask this question right now!)
• What can I appreciate about the tension? (It’s a sign that something needs to change. It means I care. On the other side of this will be growth.)
When we can find appreciation, we open space and create access to better solutions.
Give George a Chance: Ask for What You Want and Need
Sometimes George doesn’t even know there’s a problem. He may sense your resistance and tension and have no idea why. (And then respond with his own resistance and tension. And now, bam, you have a bigger problem!)
Does George know there’s a problem? Don’t expect anyone to read your mind.
Name the issue or challenge; make the request; share the story you are making up. Get curious about George’s experience. Ask for what you want (and need) and be prepared to negotiate the difference.
Give George a chance.
Serve and Lead
You have an opportunity to contribute to George. You see the issue (he still might not). You have the superpowers and awareness and heart. (He might not know how yet.)
If you wish to, you can be in service of George if you are able to:
• Hear his tender agenda.
• Get into shared reality and intent.
• Give productive feedback.
Listening Below and Beyond
A complaint is simply an uncommunicated request. When George complains or gives you a hard time, there’s a request in there somewhere. For example, “You don’t respond to my emails or calls” becomes “Please respond.” Find the request.
Underneath that request is a dream. He wants something. He desires something (e.g., to have a better working relationship, create a better outcome, stay on track with a timeline, or be a good partner). Find the dream.
Underneath that dream is likely a tender agenda. He’s afraid or feeling vulnerable about something. It’s usually something to the effect of: Do you like me? Am I good enough? Do you care? Do I belong? Do I matter to you? Do you believe in me? Am I going to be fired? Will I get that promotion? Am I safe? Make yourself aware of the tender agenda (we all have one—it’s human).
Find the thread and be free.
By the way, this works for you too. What’s your request, your dream, and your tender agenda? The more fired up you are about George, the more important it is to get clear on what’s going on for you below and beyond as well.
Get into Shared Reality
If you want to influence George, you’re going to have to meet him where he is. What is George’s experience? What’s yours? Get together and name what you both sense is going on, and then connect the dots. This is a good place to name assumptions; share intentions; talk purpose, fears, and dreams; and then clarify next steps where everyone wins. If you get into trouble here and truly can’t find alignment, or there’s a conflict that is just too big for a simple shared reality discussion, refer to the IEP Conflict Navigation Model in Chapter 12.
Give Feedback
Giving feedback is consistently one of the trickiest challenges I see people in leadership have. Recently I met with someone who’d just had a $500,000 project go off the rails because none of the team members wanted to give the leader honest, direct, hard feedback in the early stages when they saw the project going down a bad path. They all hoped it would work itself out (or that someone else would speak up). It didn’t. (And they didn’t.)
This is not uncommon. Feedback is hard. It challenges harmony and connection. We take it personally and make it mean more than it does. It’s easy to soften it, withhold it, hope someone else will give it, or pray that the issue will just go away—all to avoid discomfort, confrontation, or hurting someone’s feelings. When we get into this dynamic, no one wins. George is still doing his thing, thinking everything is fine. You are still frustrated and wishing George would shape up. And the people around you witnessing this dynamic are learning not to trust you because if you won’t give George direct, clean feedback, then you won’t give it to them either. So no one has anyone’s back, and your team or company is not going to have a good result. Bummer.
A lack of honest, direct feedback is one of the greatest toxins in an organization (or any relationship); it creates a lack of safety and a “culture of careful.” So, while it’s hard, it’s also one of our greatest opportunities for building trust, changing behavior, supporting each other’s rock stardom, and doing good work. It’s also kind. Real feedback is kind (as are acknowledgments of what someone is doing well).
In Chapter 13 we’ll talk about specific formulas, tips, and mindsets to give the most productive feedback (even when it’s about the intangible stuff). For now just know you must give George feedback.
Have you?
Honor, Codesign, and Complete the Relationship as Necessary
Sometimes, no matter what you do, it’s a no go. You’ve done your work. You’ve done all you can, and you know in your heart you’re clean.
George keeps breaking agreements and promises, putting you in a bad spot, not following through, and disregarding feedback and support.
For whatever reason, it’s not the right fit, you’re not the right leader (or person) for him, he doesn’t want to play, or the whole thing is just complete.
Cut it loose—in whatever way is appropriate for you and your circumstances. This may mean terminating a relationship, getting him a new leader, exiting him from your company, or simply disengaging from the cycle of drama. (As always when exiting someone from your team or company, check with your organization’s guidelines and rules for compliance and legalities.)
Relationships have arcs. People come in and out of our lives for all kinds of reasons.
Honor George, find gratitude for the experience, send him love and light, and gear up to move forward.
If you work with George and are related to him or her, this may all be easier said than done. In that case, move to the next step.
Name, Release, Shift, and Protect
Here’s some potential language for when you’ve truly done all you can, you know you are clean, and it’s at the point of no return. As always, use your own language. Here are some talking points:
George, I care about you and care very much that we have a good relationship [or create great results together, or you do well, or whatever]. And I can’t care about it more than you do. And I’m noticing that I feel like we’re rolling uphill. My experience of you and this situation is that we’ve tried several different ways of moving through this, and it’s not working. I’m not sure how else to shift it on my end, or how else to be more useful, and I know that I’ve done all I can to this point until you want to lean in with me differently. If and when you’d like that to change, please come to me with a proposal for how. In the meantime, I am going to extract myself from the situation or exit you from the team [or whatever]. I wish you all the best and am grateful for your contributions to the team, my life, and the learning.
Breathe and release.
Sometimes, this naming will shift the energy enough to create a new level of authenticity in the relationship. And sometimes not. Either way, name what’s true for you. Be clean about it, and let it go.
That’s one option.
The other, especially in the case where it’s toxic or dangerous to your spirit or well-being, or George is simply not in for a collaborative experience, is to take care of yourself first, cut yourself free, find the gifts and the learning, and move forward.
But What if George Is My Mother?!
If for some reason you still have to work with George, live with George, or be related to George, then you’ll want to bubble up and work around it, act “as if” it is how you want it to be (and just show up that way—you’d be shocked how many times this can change a dynamic), and/or name the dilemma and codesign with George how you’ll be in relationship together most effectively given the circumstances.
It’s Not Always Pretty: Casey and Georgette
Casey had a Georgette on her team. In meetings Georgette cut her off, took credit for results, passed blame, and invalidated Casey’s ideas in front of the room. Outside meetings, Georgette talked smack about Casey, withheld information that could help her, baited other team members to collude with her (Georgette), and passive-aggressively diminished Casey’s contributions while gathering evidence for any shortcomings she could find.
While Casey’s peers stayed out of the drama for the most part, this dynamic created negative impact and tension on the team.
Casey knew enough to know that Georgette’s behaviors and responses were not about her, but it still hurt, created an energy suck, was a waste of time, and distracted her (and others) from focusing on results.
After several rounds of assuming good, getting curious, naming what she noticed with Georgette (only to be told she didn’t know what she was talking about), finding what she could appreciate about her, and acting “as if” all was good, Casey decided to simply bubble up, stay focused, and work around Georgette.
Having created more space for herself to decide how to interact with her leadership bully and stay high vibe, the dynamics get easier, in some cases. But Georgette, still committed, only gets more creative with her energetic whacks.
Casey is baffled, frustrated, hurt, confused, and concerned about the effect on the team and the ultimate impact on the work.
She approaches Georgette again with a request to explore the tension between them and redesign their working relationship. She asks a third party to help them navigate the conversation. Georgette wants no part, saying that her style works for her, that Casey is “just being dramatic,” and that she prefers to move forward and focus on her job. Ouch!
Casey knows she’s done her best and all she can. She decides to make peace with it, let it go, take care of herself, mind her own business, stay focused on the work, and create a positive impact with the team. She lets HR and Georgette know it doesn’t feel good, it’s affecting the work and the team, and that if anyone wants to fix it at any point, she’d like to. Otherwise she’ll be a professional and work around it.
The organization values both players, decides to let it be, and with the situation and implications named and documented, agrees to support them in working around each other. Eight months later, Casey is promoted to a new position and also as team lead. Thirteen months later, Georgette is still in the same spot continuing to create similar dynamics with other members of the organization.
I purposely share this story because navigating George does not always have a great ending. In the best-case scenarios, not only does Casey succeed, but Georgette catches her vibe and becomes a better performer and contributor; they end up solid colleagues. In the worst case, Georgette won’t budge, the organization won’t do anything, and Casey leaves. After all, Casey is a rock star (especially if she was able to navigate this scene) and doesn’t need the hassle, and if the organization is going to tolerate toxic employees, she’s not playing.
More commonly the Casey/Georgette scenario nets out in one or a combination of these fives outcomes:
1. It eventually works itself out.
2. Georgette leaves on her own (or Casey does, often taking people with her).
3. The organization is forced into a decision to let Georgette go when it realizes it’s losing trust, credibility, and top performers by keeping the negatively contagious toxic ones.
4. Some form of legal action is taken against the organization for tolerating a hostile work environment.
5. Casey will “match” Georgette, lower her vibe and performance, and they all stay unhappy.
Let me just say, when Casey catches Georgette’s energetic stance, no one wins.
Number five is perhaps the most dangerous situation of them all. When Casey matches Georgette, compromising her own energy, attitude, and performance (because she’s exhausted from trying her best and the organization has demonstrated that low-vibe behaviors and performance are tolerated), she is now a contagious Georgette, the rest of the team is at risk, and the organization has lost an A player. Again.
Hold your space, have grace, and do your work. Do all you can to help things go right. Stay connected to your purpose. Keep your intentions clear. Pay attention to what you (and your organization) tolerate. Be thoughtful about what you take on and the boundaries you hold. And lead.
In Chapter 11, we’ll dig into other people’s problems, projections, and expectations (OPPPE), which will further support you in this topic.
And first, fieldwork.
Fieldwork: Make It Real
This is a super-important chapter. All of us have Georges (are Georges), and we’re also our best way forward in navigating or shifting the dynamic. So please make this chapter count, now. Consider the following. (Journal as you please.)
• What have you learned about George?
• How has your perspective of him/her shifted since Chapter 1?
• Who is your George/Georgette/G now? By chance, are you someone’s George/Georgette/G? How so?
• Using the content in this chapter, what are your next steps?
• What’s at least one acknowledgment you want to give you about what you’ve created for yourself with this book? (Even reading to this point and staying engaged is to be celebrated.)