CHAPTER 13

Bring People with You. Enroll and Serve Them.

Our greatest opportunity as leader is to nourish, champion, and grow other leaders.

Masterful leadership inspires, enables, and creates more positively contagious leaders, who inspire, enable, and create more positively contagious leaders, and on and on and on—all in service of creating positive impact.

So how do you grow other leaders? How do you inspire, enable, and enroll them not only in being more positively contagious, purpose-driven leaders, but in paying it forward?

Welcome to Part 4: “Contagious Leadership” where we’ll discuss making this work even more contagious through creating other leaders, using this work with your team and organization, and ultimately up-leveling your impact all together.

In this chapter we’ll discuss five core components of creating other leaders. These complement the work we’ve done thus far in this book:

1.   The powerful intention of service.

2.   Don’t “empower” them: hold a big container and set them up to win.

3.   Give productive feedback (especially on the “soft stuff”).

4.   Enroll, recognize, honor, value, trust, and see the humans you lead.

5.   Let them lead.

Once you have these, elevating team magic in Chapter 14 will be a piece of cake. Ready? Let’s go!

#1. The Powerful Intention of Service

What is the point of your leadership? Your business? The products or services you offer?

What is your intention behind it all? Why do you lead, give people feedback, take risks, step out of your comfort zone, make things? What’s important about these things? What fuels your desire to create impact?

If you’re on purpose, driven, and feeling in flow, it’s probably not just because your leadership is directing you to be or because you’re supposed to for your job.

It’s something way bigger than yourself or your desire for comfort.

Underneath it all is likely the intention of service.

If you’re exhausted, not leading well, stagnating in business results, or being negatively contagious, you may be missing (or have forgotten) the powerful intention of service.

Being in service of another human’s well-being, care, and humanity, and being in service of the success and growth of something (or someone) you care about, is the core of effective and productive leadership.

It’s easy to disconnect from our purpose when we’ve lost presence or are in the weeds of our life. The intention of service can help us focus on what matters most, get out of our own way, and unleash the most potent version of ourselves in service of others. From here, our leadership is no longer about surviving or looking good or being right or careful—it’s about people:

•   Having a challenging conversation with a colleague? What’s it in service of (e.g., the health of your relationship, your colleague’s well-being, or the success of the project or team)?

•   Need to give difficult feedback to someone you care about? What’s it in service of (e.g., the person’s growth, the project’s success, the person’s credibility in the company, or the ability for that person to achieve his or her best)?

•   Asked to take on a project that is out of your comfort zone or inconvenient—and it’s big stakes with significant impact? What’s it in service of?

•   Is your business feeling stuck? Are sales slow and your prospective clients not engaging as you’d like? What’s your product in service of? Yep, find that.

Connect with what you’re in service of and you’re free.

Any conversation, feedback, or act of leadership when tied to the intention of service becomes easier, clearer, and more compelling to whomever you’re doing it for.

When I facilitate a group or speak on stage, I know that if I’m focused on “doing it right” or “looking good”—it will not go as well. I also know that if I’m all about my audience and hold service as my intention, it will thrive. In the moments I feel stuck, nervous, or on my leadership edge, it’s choice point time. All I need to remember is that I’m there to contribute my best and focus on the people I’m with. The moment I become present to this, I’m good. The internal noise and nerves go away, I’m connected to impact and the human(s) in front of me, and we’re ready to rock.

I see this with clients as well; their most difficult conversations, scariest leadership moves, and even sluggish sales results are often related to losing sight of the person in front of them and staying connected to purpose and service. When they remember, and reconnect with the intention of service, things flow again; the conversation is less painful, the leadership move becomes powerful and effective, and their enrollment results improve.

Putting “Service” in Customer Service: What Is Your Intention?

Jack was having a hard time closing a sale and was feeling tremendous pressure.

“What’s important about this sale?” I asked.

“We have bills to pay, this would help us make our goals, and we’ve been working really hard on this for a long time.”

I instantly felt the problem. (Can you?) The focus was on himself—not on serving his customer.

“What’s important to you about serving this customer? What will your service do for your customer?” Ahhh, right! This would help the customer’s company do “X, Y, and Z” and make the company better at its craft, which would help a lot of people. Jackpot.

Embodying this energetic intention, my client went back to his customer, had another conversation, and closed the deal by the end of the day.

What is your intention, and where is your attention? If you’re not getting the result you want or you’re feeling stuck in your leadership, ask yourself this question and rework it until you feel “the click of clean.”

#2. Don’t Empower Them: Hold a Big Container and Set Them Up to Win

I’ve never been a big fan of the word “empowerment” or this notion that we empower others. In truth, it bugs the heck out of me. I think it’s way more important, interesting, and useful if we empower ourselves. Your people are on their own paths. A core part of the leadership journey is to learn how to stand and unlock one’s power from the inside out. They already have the power. It’s not yours to give them; it’s yours to evoke and support.

Our role as leaders is to serve, nourish, and clear the way however we can to help others access more of themselves and use their power authentically and in service of others. Support your people, remove obstacles, give them excellent feedback, serve as a thinking partner and guide, lead them in the ways they need it, be clear, and be an advocate and champion for them. Hold a humongous container of belief for them to step into, own, and expand.

But empower them? No.

In Contagious Culture I talked about the “container.” The container is the energetic space you hold for someone to grow, do the best work in, and show up as powerfully as possible. The size of the container we hold for another can impact who that person becomes. If we don’t believe in someone and hold a small container, he or she will likely sense it—and show up accordingly. If we believe in the person and hold a large container, he or she will sense that too—and show up accordingly.

One of your greatest duties as leader is to hold space for the people you lead. If you cannot hold a large container for them, you shouldn’t be leading them. By the way, this doesn’t mean you tolerate bad behavior and performance and just hold a big container. Sometimes holding a big container includes letting someone go.

“But What if I Don’t Like Them?”

“What if I just don’t like them? They annoy me. But I’m responsible for leading them. Then what?”

I get asked these questions a lot when I coach others. It happens. Here’s the thing. If you’ve signed on to lead them and have the prestigious and precious honor of that role in their lives, you do not have the luxury to not show up for them because you don’t like them.

If you’re going to lead them, work your stuff out.

There is a difference between liking people and being able to hold a container for them. It’s way more pleasurable when these things work together, and if they don’t, you can still hold a big container and believe in them without them being your favorite person or someone you want to hang out with all the time.

That said, if you don’t believe in them, can’t hold the container, and truly can’t work your personal feelings out, find someone who can. This does not make you a bad leader—it makes you honest and accountable. Being honest about our ability to lead someone is an act of leadership in itself.

The Contagious Container Game

In Contagious Culture I gave you the Container Game. I’ve altered that game for this book to bring in more of the principles we’ve been discussing including beliefs, desire, value, feedback, and contagiousness.

Think about the people you currently lead and consider the following:

•   Belief. Do you believe in them? Who do you believe they can become? What’s possible for them in their career?

•   Desire. What do you want for them? What’s your greatest dream for each person?

•   Value. What value do these people bring to your team, the organization, the work, you? What is it they are magically gifted at?

•   Contagiousness. How do they infect you, the team, the people they work with? Are they positively or negatively contagious? What’s one thing they could do to amplify their contagiousness?

•   Leadership strengths and opportunities. What are their leadership strengths? Their biggest opportunities for growth?

•   Obstacles. What’s getting in their way right now?

•   Feedback. What feedback and acknowledgments do you have for them? What can they do now that will propel them forward?

•   Support. What support can you give them? What support might they need from others? How can you serve more?

Once you’ve worked through the Container Game, and know where you stand and how you can support them, you’re on your way. The energy is already shifting. The next step is either to communicate anything you sense will serve them, to get into action in supporting them (you don’t even need to tell them—just do it), or to do nothing and simply hold a bigger energetic space for them to step into.

I’ve found this exercise to be clarifying for myself, team, and clients in exploring growth opportunities. It’s also useful to do when you feel stuck and are unable to discern why (especially in identifying obstacles and support needed). This can be done alone or with the person and even as a team. One of my favorite points to work with is contagiousness. If there’s a place I sense people can be more powerfully contagious or show up even better, I’ll intentionally model that skill or way of being when I’m with them. (Remember, presence begets presence.) Often just the modeling is enough for them to “catch it” and up-level.

Set People Up to Win

We can contribute to others by doing big and little things. Sometimes the littlest things help the most in setting the tone for another. The way we introduce or talk about people, the way we hold space, give feedback, respond, speak to them about possibilities, support them when they’re “failing,” stay present with them, all of these things are moments that influence the game.

Here are some quick, powerful, and important wins:

•   The way you introduce and/or talk about people. Are you present, truly present, when you introduce people to each other or speak to someone about another person? Do you speak to people’s character, how they show up, what they’ve done, and who they are to you? Do you speak in a manner that truly sets them up for success, communicating that they’re amazing, invaluable, and that the person meeting them (or working with them) is wildly fortunate? (Or do you play down the introduction, give it a half-hearted hello, diminish their contributions, and show up flip about the whole thing?)

•   The way you speak to their challenge or growth opportunities. Is it with the energy of excitement for what’s next, honoring that they’re growing, and “You’ve got this!”? (Or with the energy that they’re “broken,” and it’s the end of the world?)

•   The way you give feedback. Is it in service of their best interest? Is it in celebration of who they’re becoming? Are you present with them, honoring the tenderness that feedback can provoke? Do you set them up with next steps and make sure it all landed? Do you offer them support for integration? (Or do you drop the feedback bomb without thinking it through, move fast, and leave them in the fetal position not knowing what to do with it?)

•   The way you help people get back on track. When you see someone on your team falling down or making a mistake (especially in front of a client or group of people), do you stay present and hold space for that person, maybe even asking a question he or she knows the answer to just to give the person a quick foothold and reboot? (Or do you look the other way, let the person tank, and avoid contact after?)

•   The way you hold space for them. When you are with them, do you hold absolutely present space, put your phone down, give them your undivided attention, listen deeply (to what is and is not being said), and make it so they are the only person in the world on your mind right during that moment? (Or do you multitask, watch over their shoulders, check your phone, pretend to be present, and surface-listen?)

•   The way you elicit more wisdom and creativity from them. When they offer ideas you think won’t work, do you “create from” the idea; “yes, and” them; find something you can like about it (if only their courage to bring it up); and give them something to build upon? (Or do you shut it down, even energetically, making them feel small for taking the risk?)

•   The way you give or take directions and set expectations with them. When giving or receiving directions or setting expectations, do you clarify, make sure they understand, stay present, and leave the conversation with agreement on timelines, next steps, and appreciation for each other? (Or do you go fast, assume everyone gets it, and bolt quickly to the next thing?)

These are all acts of humble and helpful leadership. They help others thrive. They are contagious. And bonus, when we’re generous here, not only is the person we’re serving set up for success, but we look (and feel!) good too.

#3. Give Productive Feedback

In Chapter 10 when we discussed George, I shared that not giving honest and direct feedback is one of the top cultural toxins. It is also a leadership and trust killer. To lead well, you must get good at feedback. This includes giving it and receiving it. In Contagious Culture I provide a framework for feedback and ways to think about it. Here are some general guardrails and beliefs to support you in making your feedback as honest, loving, productive, rigorous, and effective as possible.

Feedback Guardrails

Ready to make your feedback count? Done well, the feedback you give someone can propel the person to the next level of becoming (and beyond), build a more solid relationship between the two of you, and even set the person free from struggling with whatever has been getting in his or her way. Here are some guardrails to support you in gifting it well:

1.   Make sure the feedback is in service of your person, clean, clear, and specific. (I like the COINS model: Context, Observation, Impact perceived, Next, Stay—which I’ll go into in a minute.)

2.   If you are struggling with giving feedback, check yourself. Are there any hidden agendas? Is it personal? Is it a projection? If there is fear, what are you afraid of?

3.   See the humans you are giving the feedback to—they are just like you with hopes, dreams, fears, heart, and a desire to do well. Love them.

4.   Remember that their growth (and your honesty) is more important than your comfort.

5.   Feedback is a gift—for them, you, your relationship, and the organization or outcome as a whole.

6.   You do not have to be right or brilliant in your feedback. But you do have to prepare, be honest, be in service of, and also be unattached to if they take it or not.

7.   Not giving people feedback and letting them continue to fail (and even worse eventually terminating them because they didn’t get it) is an act of cruelty.

8.   Give positive feedback too! Acknowledging how they’re doing, what they’re doing well, what you appreciate, where they shine—anything, big or small—is of major service. Do not take it for granted that they know you think this. See their shine and tell them.

With these in mind, let’s move to something a bit trickier.

How Do You Give People Feedback When Their Energy Is Not Great?

It’s intangible. It feels personal. And sometimes there’s not a lot they can do about it. It’s just the way they show up.

And it makes a huge difference.

This can be coached if they’re willing to work it. (And you’re willing to lead here.)

Our first step is to tune in and see what’s here.

First . . . Notice Them

Get clear, for yourself, on what you’re actually noticing before you give any feedback:

•   What is it they’re doing? Who are they being? (They’re scowling, being negative in the room with their face and presence, complaining, grunting, rolling their eyes, or sighing, or they just seem off.)

•   What is the energy you feel from them? (Is it negative, disdainful, superior, disinterested, sad, arrogant, insecure?)

•   What is it you make up about it? (There’s something wrong; they don’t like you or their job; they’re just “George”; something happened . . .)

The goal here is awareness to find an entry point.

Now Notice You

Before you give feedback, ask yourself:

•   Am I bubbling up, holding my own space? (Yes or no.) How am I showing up? (Ah! Actually, I’m hooked and fixated on them right now.) How am I contributing to it? (They may be feeling me judging or analyzing them.)

•   What might I be projecting at them? (That there’s something wrong, or that I think they don’t like me, or that I don’t like them.)

•   What am I making up? (Everything.) What’s the accurate reporting? (They keep sighing; they are rolling their eyes; they’ve grunted three times in five minutes; I am curious.)

Depending on where this all lands you—now you can have a clean conversation and get curious.

Now . . . Together

Name it (with curiosity):

•   I notice this happens . . .

•   I’m curious about . . .

•   The story I’m making up . . .

•   What do you notice?

Stay present with them and converse.

Giving Them Feedback

If after doing the groundwork there is clean feedback to be given, you can use COINS to give them a place to go:

•   Context/When it happened, what we’re talking about. “In our meetings . . .”

•   Observation/What I noticed. “Your body language and facial expressions communicate displeasure, and your comments are generally negative.”

•   Impact perceived/What I sense happens. “The energy of the room drops; people stop contributing because they feel shut down; things feel sluggish; people leave drained; we’re not as productive as we could be.”

•   Next/What I’d love to see instead/what will make you more effective. “Pay attention to body language, tone, facial expressions, and your vibe. Make statements from a place of curiosity,’yes, and,’ and requesting or suggesting versus complaining or making people wrong. Get present and set your intentions before you come into the room.”

•   Stay/Identify support needed/desired: “How can I best support you here? I can walk you through the 5-Step; we can check in weekly; we can have a signal for when I see it happening again; etc.”

Coaching Their IEP and Creating Space for a Rich Authentic and Productive Conversation

Here are some additional talking points to support the feedback conversation and help people up-level their IEP, impact, and overall positive contagiousness.

In the coaching conversation, ask:

•   How do you think you show up? How do you want to show up?

•   What do you think your energetic presence is? What do you want it to be? What’s one shift you can make to up-level it?

•   How do you think you impact others? What is their experience of you? How do you want to impact them? How do you want people to feel around you?

•   How engaged do you feel in this project/team/conversation/situation?

•   What are you most excited about creating? How do you think you need to show up to create that?

•   What is the legacy you want to leave? How do you want people to remember you in your role and leadership?

•   How do you feel about our team? Our presence? Our meetings?

•   What agreements do you think would help us as a team show up better together?

Point, Request, and Support

Now you can direct and support them even more effectively:

•   My experience of you is . . .

•   What I’d love more of is . . .

•   I’d love to support you in this by . . .

•   How can I help?

A Couple of Things to Know Here

Your feedback will be much more useful, and the process more pleasurable, if you remember these two things:

•   This is all an active two-way conversation. These prompts are talking points to open up new levels and lanes for this discussion.

•   Just because you give feedback doesn’t mean it’s right. So be open, honest, and unattached. When you get feedback, same thing. Get curious. And if you find yourself getting upset, look deeper. There’s gold there.

When It Gets Tough

If they’re resistant and the way they show up is having a negative impact on the team, then that behavior truly needs to shift. You can then move into a more serious conversation about performance, requirements, and outcomes and even put them on a plan.

When you handle feedback honestly, directly, swiftly, and with care using the frameworks I’ve offered above, getting to the point of a performance plan is rare. Remember, people want to show up well, be great to work with, and be successful. And we all need support sometimes.

#4. Enroll, Recognize, Honor, Value, Trust, and See the Humans You Lead

In the midst of going fast and doing and being all we have to do and be, it is easy to forget why we’re leading, whom we’re leading, and what we’re leading for. Leadership is not an act of pushing and forcing; it is an act of enrolling, inspiring, and serving. When you come from the intention of service, with the right energetic presence, you create enrollment and inspiration.

I’ve found the following to be helpful reminders when we lose sight, get fuzzy on what all this leadership stuff is about, or find ourselves pushing and forcing leadership:

1.   You are leading human beings. They have hopes, dreams, fears, families, lives to juggle, things to prove, pressure to manage, and, of course, their own drama, trauma, and magic. They are you, and you are them. We’re all in this together. Remember the human.

2.   You must see them: their values and their value. We are walking billboards for what we value in our lives. As discussed in Chapter 5, when I’m honoring my values in my Essential You, I’m congruent. When I’m not, I stop. I’m out of alignment with myself. People show us what their core values are by what they talk about, what they do, how they spend their time and money, what delights them, and what ticks them off. Pay attention. If you understand their core values, you understand and can meet and serve them better.

On the other side of this is seeing, honoring, and speaking to the value they bring to the company, the team, and your life. What is special about them? What are they super-duper good at? How is their unique contribution essential to what you’re all up to? What do they bring to the team? Naming someone’s value as a member of a team, and telling that person how much he or she matters and why, taps core human needs demonstrating that we’re seen, valued, honored, and connected.

3.   You are “response-able” to them, not responsible for them. You may be their boss or their mentor, but you are not responsible for their success. They are. You are “response-able” to lead them, to be direct and clear, to help them navigate their path, and to help them learn, fall down, get up, and become the best leader they can be. You are responsible for seeing them, hearing them, and being able to respond to them—but you are not responsible for them. If anything, you may be responsible for gifting them this message: if they want it, they must create it.

4.   You are a guide, an advocate, and a champion. You are not their guru who knows all the answers. You do not have to know everything, and certainly not about them. They know themselves best. And they’re on their own paths. That said, you may have mad skills that surpass where they are. You have sage wisdom, and you’re their advocate. So lead, teach, guide, and give them feedback; think with them; learn with them; direct as necessary; and help them find their own answers. One of the greatest gifts you can give people is teaching them they have their own answers.

5.   You must play. We all must play. All work and no play makes everyone . . . exhausted, boring, and beige. Did you know that “in companies that stifle play, brainpower may actually decrease as it does in children with failure-to-thrive syndrome, a condition created by experientially deprived or abusive environments.”¹ Yes. So play. Time-outs, field trips, days off, mosaic building adventures, hiking retreats—whatever feels like play, do that.

6.   You must be a model and catalyst for trust. Trust them and be trustworthy. Trust between people stimulates oxytocin (a feel-good hormone and neurotransmitter), and oxytocin stimulates more trust. Then people feel safer and work together better. Not only does trust feel good, directing energy and attention in the right places; it’s a highly productive and valuable leadership asset.

Throughout this book we’ve built congruency (with self and others) and integrated more behaviors and ways of being to support leadership trust and credibility, which include:

•   Listening

•   Being present

•   Acknowledging each other (genuinely)

•   Giving direct feedback

•   Making risk taking safe

•   Communicating intentionally

•   Sharing information

•   Naming it

•   Showing vulnerability

•   Being curious

•   Setting each other up for success

•   Asking for help

•   Telling the truth

•   Having a vision and clear intention

•   Being in integrity with ourselves

These are just some of our resources for increasing trust and becoming more trustworthy. These skills, tools, and principles are embedded throughout this book, so if you’re integrating, you’re doing it.

#5. Let Them Lead

If you really want to grow your people, let them lead.

You want the members of your team to be smarter than you, faster than you, and better than you. You want them to lead, inspire, and enable their own future leaders. Your job as leader is not to be followed. It’s to create, nourish, and grow other leaders. One of the ultimate forms of contagiousness is contagious leadership.

In order to do this you will need to take care of a few things:

•   Your ego (in the sense of your pride). Your people being smarter than you, growing faster than you, and getting opportunities you would have loved is not a sign that you are a loser or that your job is at risk. It’s a sign that you are a good leader who holds a big container.

•   Your own congruency. The stronger and more solid you are, the easier it is to get out of the way and trust others to lead.

•   Your own growth. Just because you are growing other leaders and handing off the baton, does not mean you are done. You may just be getting started. As you grow others and shift your role, you’ll want to continuously grow yourself too. What’s next for you? How can you serve in bigger ways? What scares you?

•   Your own mentorship. Just like you mentor others, you need your own mentors and guides. Continue to do your work. The higher we get in our leadership roles and responsibilities, the more essential it is to have mentors and guides who push us too.

•   Your presence, your purpose, and your play. Think back to Chapter 9 where we discussed the seven P’s of personal burnout. Get in front of this one. Keep raising the bar proactively here. Up-level your presence and self-care, expand your purpose, and play even more. Life is long and life is short; be in it, play with it, and serve.

Fieldwork: Make It Real

Which of the ideas in this chapter are most important for you? Use them.

Here are some quick checkpoints to review this chapter:

•   What is your intention of leadership? What/who are you being in service of?

•   What is the size of the container you hold for the people you lead?

•   How do you set people up for success?

•   What feedback do you have for someone that will elevate his or her game? Work the model.

•   Where can you elevate trust on your team or in your relationships?

•   How are you seeing your humans?

•   Do you let people lead? If not, what’s getting in the way?

•   What is your very next, even littlest, step after reading this chapter? Go.