CHAPTER 20

Assessing Your EI

Getting Real About Your Life

“Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.”

—STEVEN COALLIER

There are situations in our lives in which we come face-to-face with the reality of our lives. These are instances where we truly see our lives for what they are, honestly seeing all the joys and sorrows, victories and failures, celebrations and tragedies. Many years ago as a social worker freshly graduated from university, I was assigned to work in a palliative care unit in a hospital. I remember being terrified when I first was asked to speak to Charles, a man who was dying of cancer. I had no idea of what I could say to someone who was dying. The patient noticed my discomfort and said, “Relax Harvey,” and then began to talk. At that moment, I realized that I didn't have to say anything, just listening was enough. I spent hours listening to Charles and to many other patients who were spending their last weeks, days, and hours there. Talk about getting real. These people shared their lives with me, the good times and bad, their aspirations, joys, and failures. I heard the peace and acceptance of people who had, on the whole, lived the life that they desired. I also heard the pain, sorrow, and bitter regrets of those who were unhappy with many aspects of how their lives turned out.

Whenever I need to get real with myself, I bring my mind back to that time and place. In my imagination, I fast-forward to the end of my life. I see myself in my last days, looking back over my life. No more excuses, justifications, or denials. No more time, no more anything. Nobody to explain to. All of the superficiality totally stripped away. My life reduced down to its most basic essence. I think to myself: Will my life bring me comfort, satisfaction? Did I do the things I really wanted to do? Or was I a martyr, living someone else's life? Did my fears keep me from going after the life I wanted or despite my fears did I go for it?

Whenever I know in my heart that I really want something—and start feeling twinges of fear and doubt—I go to that place, at the end of my life, and imagine what it will feel like if I went for it. There are three different scenarios that play out in my mind.

1. I imagine I went for it and achieved the goal that I was so passionate about. Under this scenario, I imagine feeling peaceful and grateful for a life well lived.
2. I imagine that I tried my best but was unsuccessful. Under this scenario, I feel peaceful, knowing that I gave it my best shot and that it wasn't meant to be. No doubts or questions about what might have been.
3. The last scenario, the one in which I sold myself short by allowing my doubts and fears to overcome me, is a nightmare. I feel regret, sadness, and anger for having let myself down. Far from feeling peaceful and grateful, I am feeling miserable and empty.

So often, the tragedies in our lives are what focus us and cause us to reexamine our lives and make the necessary changes to turn our lives around. Many great works of music, literature, and art have come during or after a very painful period for the creator.

My challenge to you is not to wait for the tragedy to get yourself moving toward the life you want and desire. Do something today, regardless of how small. Do the same thing tomorrow and every day after that.

Giving Up on the Victim

For many years I was a victim. I blamed my lack of success on coming from a disadvantaged background. A number of years ago, I began to realize that whether or not any of this had any merit was totally irrelevant. I began to see that spending energy on things from the past that I could not change was a total waste of time and did not serve me in any way. It only kept me in the victim mode. The only thing I could do to change things was to do everything in my power from that point on to change my life. To this end, I have put up reminders to myself where I can see them daily. This is one way that I remind myself that my future is totally up to me.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘press on’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

—FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT CALVIN COOLIDGE

How do you remember to live large? It's not enough to go listen to a motivational speaker once a year. We may feel motivated for a few days but the energy will wear off and we will forget. What we need is a daily habit, a plan to motivate us and keep us moving toward our goals on a daily basis.

Find someone or something that gets you pumped, gets the juices flowing, and makes you feel excited and motivated. Take that person or thing with you on a daily basis in the form of:

• Photos or words on the wall in your office, home, or any other place you spend time in daily
• Recorded music that you listen to in your car, or on your personal music device, that reminds you of that person or thing
• Opening page when you turn on your computer at work and home
• Writings, quotes, or articles by that person posted in a place where you see it every day

“Life isn't worth living unless you're prepared to take some big chances and go for broke.”

—AUTHOR ELIOT WIGGINTON

“Being on a tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.”

—KARL WALLENDA, FOUNDER OF THE FLYING WALLENDAS, AN INTERNATIONAL CIRCUS ACT KNOWN FOR PERFORMING DEATH-DEFYING ACTS WITHOUT A NET

What keeps us from doing what we know we should be doing? We are motivated by how we experience pain and pleasure. Take an experience that is familiar to millions of people all over the globe. Even though we know that we would be better off if we stopped smoking today, we will experience immediate pain in terms of withdrawal and cravings for another cigarette. On the other hand, the prospect of lung cancer and other illnesses, which increase with every cigarette smoked, is down the road at some future distant time. The pleasure we receive from smoking is now, the pain is down the road. The easiest thing to do at the moment, therefore, is to have another cigarette.

Massaging the Pain

One way to quit what we are doing that is hurting us is to increase the pain. A friend of mine who worked in a hospital setting quit smoking temporarily after he saw a patient trying to smoke through a hole in his throat after having a laryngectomy. The fear that he experienced from this sight temporarily made him quit smoking. However, after several months, the memory of the fear wore off and he started smoking again. Had he been able to keep the fear alive for a longer period, he may have been able to quit for good. A work colleague and her daughter, who is a smoker, recently went to see the BodyWorks exhibit of plastinated human bodies. As a result of seeing the blackened lungs of smokers, the daughter quit smoking for a month. What is needed is to find a way to keep the pain in front of a person longer. This is not easy and takes some effort. Perhaps she could have photos of the blackened lungs of lung cancer patients where she could see them daily. Maybe she could have a photo of someone close who died of lung cancer where she could see it daily. Recently, a woman who was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer went around to schools talking about the dangers of smoking. She continued right until the time she was admitted to the hospital. The sight of her, with her bald head from chemotherapy treatments and emaciated appearance, was meant to show the pain of smoking to students who were smoking or might be tempted to start.

Becoming Your Own Best Friend

If you were to die tomorrow, what would people say about you at your funeral? How many people would be there? What sort of memories of you would they have? What would you like to have written on your tombstone? Is it true of the person you are today?

Do You Like Yourself?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• When I think of buying myself something expensive, do I ever have thoughts that I am not worth it?
• Do I feel myself shrinking into the background when a powerful person is around?
• When asked to do something new at work or given more responsibility, do I have doubts as to my abilities?
• Am I attractive, average, or below average in appearance? What makes me think that I am? How do I feel when in the presence of someone I consider to be more attractive than me? Someone who is much more attractive?
• Am I smart and talented? How do I feel around people who I see as smarter and more talented?
• What about my friends? Are they attractive? Talented? Successful? Do I look at people and tell myself that I could never be friends with them because they are too good looking or smart? The people you choose to associate with and how you view them will tell you a great deal about how you view yourself.

When you answer these questions honestly, you will get a good picture of how you feel about yourself. If you feel overall positive and upbeat after pondering these questions, you likely have a healthy relationship with yourself. If you are having lingering discomforting thoughts, it is an indication that there are things about you that need changing.

Getting Real About Your Relationships

In order for us to gain control over our own destiny, we must ask ourselves some basic questions and honestly look for the answers. The first question that we must ask is: Is my life working for me? This requires asking ourselves some tough questions.

Relationships with Others

Do I have the types of relationships that I really want? Are my relationships with my partner and children healthy ones? Am I settling for less because of fear, or thoughts that this is as good as it gets? Or perhaps I think I don't deserve any better. What about friends? Do I have the type of friends I'm proud of and am always happy to spend time with? Are they supportive of me and I of them? Or are they people I settle for, maybe even feel resentment or jealousy toward?

We have all felt in our relationships from time to time some resentment or jealousy toward the other person. However, be honest about what your predominant thoughts are toward that person. If you aren't sure or are so engrossed that you have a hard time sorting them out, sit down with a piece of paper. On one side put down all the positive things you normally think of this person. On the other side, write down your negative thoughts. What do you come up with?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• If I had to do it over again, would I choose the same partner or friends?
• If I could have any partner or friends that I wanted, would I choose the ones I have today?
• How do I feel (honestly) when I introduce my partner or friends to others? Do I feel proud, grateful to have them as part of my life? Do I feel that I have to explain something about them to others? Do I sometimes feel ashamed or embarrassed?
• How do I feel when I'm with that person? Do I feel secure, loved, cared about, and appreciated? Or am I on edge, anxious or fearful about what they might say or do?
• Do I often make excuses for the partner that I have or my friends? Do I find myself defending their behavior to others a lot?
• Do my partner and friends have healthy and supportive networks of their own or do their networks appear limited?
• Do I like and get along with most of my partner's family and friends? How about friends? Do I get along with and like the friends of my friends?
• When my partner receives major recognition for an achievement, money, or some other reward, am I genuinely happy for him or her, or do I (openly or secretly) resent my partner's success? How about with my friends?

When you ask yourself these questions, what do you come up with? If you are able to answer yes to most or many of these questions, you are likely doing many things right in your relationships. You have been able to develop and sustain healthy relationships in all aspects of your life. If not, when will the pain of staying in these relationships become great enough that you will begin doing the difficult work necessary to break free?

If you find that no has been the predominant answer to most of these questions, you have some work to do in the relationship aspects of your life. Determine what the cause is, and look for a common denominator. Is it you? Answer this question honestly. Which of these relationships is worth saving and which, in your heart, do you wish you did not have in your life. You don't have to make these changes overnight but come up with a game plan. Use Chapter 11: Healthy Relationships to come up with some ideas for making changes.