Chapter 14 Being Assertive Within Your Immediate Family

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Chapter 14
Being Assertive Within Your Immediate Family

In This Chapter

The rigors of being assertive within your immediate family
But my spouse won’t listen to me!
Getting your children to listen and respond
Getting anyone to listen and respond!

Sometimes the hardest place to be assertive is within your immediate family. Perhaps your spouse won’t listen to you. Maybe you have trouble getting your kids to respond. This chapter focuses on how to make some headway in your family!

Being Assertive with Family Members

In his book, Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore says that human beings are “infinitely complicated and profound.” He observes that our family relationships might be good or not so good, but in either case, we could understand them better if we more often acknowledged just how complicated and profound other members of our family can be. Many of our family members have a history that we’ll never know; that is, a history that they’ve created during the time they’re away from us.

Moore also suggests that instead of trying to diagnose or predict the behavior of our spouse, parents, or children, we could better spend our time appreciating them for who and what they are. That in itself undoubtedly would improve family relations.

Same Old, Same Old

Undoubtedly, you’ve experienced firsthand the rigors of attempting to be assertive within your immediate family. Do you find yourself falling into familiar communication patterns when interacting with members of your family to try to get someone to do something or drive a point home?

You tell your child to straighten up his room and you notice he barely lifts a finger. You raise your voice, and he moves a little faster.

You come back in a few minutes, and perhaps he is dawdling again. You reemphasize what you want him to do. Now, however, you sound like your parents when they talked that way to you 28 years ago.

Perhaps you’re having a discussion with your spouse about where you want to go on your next vacation. Your spouse says the mountains, and you say the shore. You present your case; your spouse presents his case. Neither side really listens, and the conversation degenerates into a spat.

You may realize you’ve been down this trail before. Once you become a little heated, the argument takes on a life of its own. The net effect is you are anything but assertive.

Hey, I’m on Your Side

A growing body of evidence suggests that to be effective with members of your immediate family, or anyone else for that matter, you need to connect with that other person so that she actually thinks you’re on her side. In other words, achieving the outcome you seek often involves helping the other person achieve the outcome they seek.

There’s no need to think that every interpersonal encounter you have with members of your family hereafter means you have to go out of your way to help them achieve something in a tit-for-tat manner. Sometimes the other party needs only to gain a sense of respect, attention, caring, or some other feeling that you can impart while asserting yourself.

If you’re like many people, you may need to let your internal engine rev down after work before interacting with your family. After all, you’re not talking to Joe in accounting, Sally in marketing, Hal in logistics, or Jennifer in the Springfield division anymore.

Here’s a quick quiz to help remind you that professional assertiveness (the focus of Chapter 21) is not the same as assertiveness in your family. Before making your wishes known at home . . .

Have you taken three deep breaths?
Do you exchange pleasantries?
Do you ask your spouse or children how their day went?
Handle with Care
If you are a gung-ho, career-climbing world-beater, arriving home still mentally immersed in the affairs of the workday and revving at the pace of business, members of your family may have difficulty relating to you, let alone heeding you.
Do you make eye contact and speak face-to-face?
Do you give your complete and undivided attention?
Do you use polite and complimentary language?
Do you offer praise or acknowledgment for something other family members have done?
Have you pitched in on some household task or chore?

Here’s how to score your answers. If you answered “yes” to seven or more of the above, you’re probably fooling yourself. If you answered “yes” four to six times, your family will probably be responsive to you. If you answered “yes” three times or less, you need to take immediate action. Review the list again and decide which five gestures you’ll employ tomorrow after work.

But My Spouse Won’t Listen to Me!

Is it harder today to be in a marriage or a relationship than in previous eras? It’s an issue I won’t explore in detail, but undoubtedly you have some opinions about this. In an era in which divorce rates are high and some domestic quarrels make the evening news, it’s safe to say that it’s difficult for many spouses to interact effectively with one another these days.

Open any of a number of women’s or men’s magazines, and you’ll find that communicating with one’s partner is at the top of the list in articles on relationship problems.

Thomas Moore says that each marriage has its own identity, direction, and movement. It takes on a life beyond the original intentions of either spouse. Because the roots of any spousal interaction (including any argument) may go back to the very start of the relationship, marriages or other intimate relationships may well be the toughest relationships to keep vibrant and on an even keel.

We’re in This Thing Together

When you know your spouse is willing to really listen to you, and vice versa, you both can be more effective at resolving differences of perspective or opinion. Besides drawing on everything you’ve learned up to this point, here’s an extensive checklist of behaviors and communication techniques you may wish to use on your next encounter:

Minimize any negative feelings you have before speaking.
Eliminate the notion that your partner “should have done this” or “could have done that.”
Contemplate how he/she might view the issue you’re about to discuss.
Let go of feelings of omniscience or superiority.
Realize that your way may be the way this time, but it’s not always so.
Look for the good in your partner.
Consider things to appreciate rather than issues to analyze.

Once you engage in conversation, especially if there is a chance that the conversation might get heated, your challenge to remain assertive becomes even greater. If you recall and employ even a few of the following interpersonal communication techniques, you’re bound to have more favorable results:

Start your sentences with the following phrases:
“I would enjoy having . . .”
“I would prefer if . . .”
“I would appreciate it if . . .”
“I like it when you . . .”
“Could you please . . .”
“I need your help in . . .”
“I’m hoping you’ll . . .”
“Would you join me in . . .”
“Could you get me . . .”
“It would really be helpful if . . .”
Use feeling words more often than thinking words:
“I feel as if we . . .” rather than “I think we . . .”
Handle with Care
The world is full of lonely people who won most of the arguments but lost the war—they were the dominating communication partner but ended up losing their relationship.
Make requests; don’t issue orders:
“Could you . . .”
“Would you . . .”
“Will you . . .”
“My request is that you . . .”
Often, a brief statement of empathy before making a request helps soften any assertion you might make. For example:
“I need to request something of you . . .”
“I can see you’ve been working hard . . .”
“I know you wanted to relax today . . .”
“There’s something I need to ask you . . .”
“I need your attention for three minutes . . .”
“Could I steal you away for a moment?”
“Let’s sit down for a moment . . .”

Language to Avoid

Here are some gestures and statements to avoid because they’ll reduce your chances of being assertive. For example:

Any of the unassertive phrases contained in the list in Chapter 1, such as, “Let me repeat myself.”
Blaming language, such as, “It’s your fault that . . .” or judgmental language, such as, “I think it was a bad idea for you to . . .”
Demanding language, such as, “Pay attention . . .”
Accusatory language, such as, “What’s going on here . . .”
Abrasive language, such as, “Look, I only have a minute . . .”
Domineering language, such as, “I already told you . . .”

Also, when asking a question, avoid language in which you apologize, such as, “I’m sorry to bother you with this, but . . . ,” or ask for permission, such as, “May I ask you a quick question?” People often believe they are softening their request, but it makes a person sound unsure or timid.

Supporting Tones

As you engage in give-and-take dialog, depending on the situation and where the conversation is heading, use one or more of the following modes of conversation:

Support the others’ viewpoint, with phrases such as, “I think I understand where you’re coming from . . .”
Acknowledge the other person’s non-vocal response by saying, “I know what I’m saying may come as a surprise . . .”
Allow for other possibilities, such as, “I know you may see this differently . . .”
Offer periodic praise, such as, “You’ve been good about this, bear with me for one more minute . . .
Offer links between points, such as, “So you see, adding A to B, I figure . . .”

Obviously, in a print medium such as this book, I can’t give you the vocal nuances that would make each of these phrases work as intended. Even if you used any one of them magnificently, that would not guarantee success. Still, using this kind of language in an engaging interpersonal manner will help enormously in many situations.

If Only that Were Enough

Because being assertive with a spouse or significant other is special, you may have to extend yourself even further than what I’ve just covered. I mean, hey, you’re going to have endless conversations that involve some form of give-and-take. So, periodically try some approaches that help grease the skids.

Admit When You’re Wrong

I don’t know anyone who really likes to do this, but doing it on occasion creates an environment in which you keep your credibility at a nice, high level. If you’ve ever known anyone who always insists they’re right, you know how infuriating it is when such a person approaches you with yet another issue, especially when their position is once again questionable.

By freely acknowledging your own fallibility, you project yourself as a more balanced, rational, reasonable person.

Who would be more influential with you: Someone who always maintains his correctness, or someone who asserts himself for what he wants, but acknowledges he might make mistakes along the way?

Keep it Light

Sometimes, when making a request of a stern nature, your body language, posture, and demeanor don’t need to be stern. If you play the heavy all the time, especially when making requests of others who regularly comply with your requests, they will regard being around you as burdensome.

Getting Your Children to Listen and Respond

What’s the matter with kids today? Probably nothing more than what was the matter with kids of the previous generation.

I’m not a child psychologist, and chances are you aren’t either. Neither of us needs to be one, however, when it comes to being assertive with our children. One secret I can impart to you, also one that other parents have confirmed for me time and time again, is that if you treat your children as full-fledged human beings from the time they are small, they’ll respond to you in ways only previously imagined.

Lording over someone, even if that someone happens to be your child, is rarely as effective as being assertive with them in the short run, and it never is in the long run. You can, however, employ all of the ideas about assertiveness that you learn in this book with your children.

What Kids Don’t Need to Hear From You

When you speak to another person in your office or around town, do you use language that is similar to the following:

“Because I know what’s best for you . . .”
“Because I said so . . .”
Handle with Care
Treating your children like full-fledged human beings doesn’t mean treating them like adults. They are, however, individuals with their own sets of likes and dislikes, perceptions, and notions about the world.
“I don’t want to say it again . . .”
“If I have to ask you one more time . . .”
“If I have to tell you one more time . . .”
“Never mind what I do . . .”

Hopefully, the answer to my question above is that you never use such language with other adults. Why? It simply wouldn’t work. They’d look at you, roll their eyes, and tell you to get off it, and that’s the most polite language they might use.

Why, pray tell, would you believe that using such language would be effective with your children? Is it because you:

Heard it from your own parents?
Saw it on television?
Believe your children are unintelligent?
Heard something somewhere about something called tough love and think you’re dispensing it?
Don’t know how else to make a request?

The statements above use unassertive language and demotivate people. They do not prompt action, inspire others, or leave the other party feeling good about the interaction.

Don’t let any minor or temporary “success” you think you achieve by using these statements cloud your view. You might be winning battles, but you’ll be losing the war. Anyone who is confronted with such language may concede and bow to your demands, but they do so begrudgingly. The last thing you need to create is a rebel in your own family. You have enough problems already!

What Makes Children Listen and Respond?

Okay, you ask, how do I get little Justin or Kristen to respond to my requests?

Here, in order and without adornment, is composite advice from leading child psychologists and authors on what your child wants and needs. Receiving these items on a regular basis will make your child more than willing to capitulate to most of your requests most of the time—by golly, the first time you ask!

Love your children and demonstrate it. Love may not conquer all, but it conquers a lot.
Do you go out of your way to do things for the people you love? When you love your children, they tend to love you back and honor much more of what you request.
Spend some time with your children each day. I don’t care how hectic it gets at work, what your responsibilities are, or what your life is like in general.
A lot of rubbish has been written in the last two decades about the importance of spending “quality” time with your children. What exactly is the lack of quality time—junk time? Given the choice between spending an hour with you in less than the best circumstances and five minutes of “quality” time with you, I assure you most children will choose the hour. To them, quantity equals quality in many regards.
If you simply bop in and out of their rooms or in and out of their lives, however, the likelihood that you can be assertive with them logically diminishes.
Make It So
All the time you spend with your children can be quality time, even if you’re only watching an inane television show. There are always things you can explain, conversation you can initiate during the commercials, and little tidbits of communication that go back and forth all show long.
Constantly reinforce your children’s behavior. Kids are approval and attention machines; at least they start out that way. Nine-tenths or more of what they do is either to get your approval or your attention. If you withhold your approval, they try even harder to get it. If you continue to withhold it, they give up in time and settle for getting your attention. The problem is that they may get your attention in ways you might not enjoy.
When my little girl was a toddler, her mother and I used some of the Psychology 101 we learned in college. Whenever our little girl did anything even remotely personally or socially acceptable, we applauded. Yes, we clapped when Valerie stood up, said something, held a fork in her own hand, walked across the rug without falling, you name it. We applauded Valerie so often that by the time she was three or four, anyone could see the reasonable odds of her growing up happy and well balanced.
Just the Facts
Every shred of wisdom I have read on the topic of influencing another person essentially boils down to the maxim, “Behavior that is rewarded is repeated.” In terms of getting your children to listen and respond to you, this means that you can begin right now, today, even if your relationship with your children is somewhat strained. You can get them to listen and respond by “rewarding them” when they do things you want them to do.
Do you want your child to clean his room? The next time he cleans his room as well as every other time, offer responses such as the following:
“You’ve done a wonderful job here. Congratulations.”
“Your room looks sparkling. You’ve done well.”
“What a pleasure to walk into such a clean bedroom.”
“I’m pleased to see the fine job you’ve done here.”
“I love it when you clean your room.”
“Excellent, excellent job!”

In addition to your words, let your body language express your glee as well. Widen your eyes. Perk up. Smile. Convey your joy, pleasure, and rapture for your child’s efforts in cleaning his room. You practically cannot overdo this. Even if you think it’s not working, your support has a cumulative effect.

Each time you reward a child through gestures or verbal acknowledgment, you add to the probability that he’ll clean his room again, more readily after your request. You may even reach the point where he cleans his room without you asking at all; the response he receives is so personally rewarding he cleans his room simply to receive it again.

Can You Assert Yourself Using Rewards?

What about giving rewards such as money, a trip to the ice cream shop, or staying up late? These items can work. However, the situation is different for everyone. Dr. Aubrey Daniels, in his book Bringing out the Best in People, says that what motivates one person may not motivate another. You have to explore.

You have to specifically find out what works best for your child. However, this much is clear: Regardless of the reward you offer, it must closely follow the performance.

What kind of language can you use to reach the point when your child looks forward to cleaning his or her room or honoring any other request that you make? Try some of these on for size, noting that none of this is parent-to-child language; that is, “Because I told you to do it.” Rather, this is person-to-person language. You’re treating your child as a fully functioning human being, albeit a younger, smaller, less knowledgeable, or less-experienced version of an adult.

“I’d like you to clean up your room now.”
“It’s important that you finish your homework by seven. Please get started on it in the next couple of minutes.”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to finish all your vegetables, but I’d like you to eat at least half of them.”
“Would you prefer to take out the garbage or dry the dishes?”
“You can stay out until 9:30 p.m., but no later. This is a school night, so I look forward to seeing you at 9:30, or before.”

Are Eldest Children More Inclined to Be Assertive?

The eldest child in the family has different characteristics than those of succeeding children. For example, among many, the eldest child tends to be more adventurous. She may be inclined to travel more; live further from her original, nuclear home; and take more risks personally and socially.

In cases where the eldest child is put in charge of the other children, the child might have had a head start in becoming assertive. If the eldest child is a female, she, in particular, may have had to practice parental, or more specifically, “mommy” skills at an early age. Some women I know who were placed in this situation later resented it. Others simply viewed it as a head start to a role they later would fulfill.

As I’ve emphasized throughout, your ability to be assertive is largely optional. Eldest child or not, you always have the choice to engage in assertive behavior. Even if you are the youngest in your family, the opportunity to assert yourself is there for the taking.

My friend Jim tells a story about his younger son Jason. Before age four, Jason’s assertiveness was clear.

“We spent our summer vacation at a one-week summer institute,” Jim says. “My wife Glenda and I took classes, while our sons Zack, age eight, and Jason, three years and ten months, were taken care of all day by their teenage counselors. One of the requirements to attend the summer institute was that Jason had to be totally toilet trained, a skill he had only recently mastered.

“Each night, adults and children ate dinner together in a big dining hall. On the third evening, Jason spontaneously got up on our table and made this startling announcement to the 200 adults and 35 children present: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I want everyone’s attention. I have a very important announcement to make.’ His voice was so loud and firm he commanded everyone’s attention. ‘I want you all to know that today is the first day that I wiped myself—all by myself!’

“Jason received a standing ovation from everyone in the dining room except for Glenda and me. While Jason smiled from ear to ear, and Zack giggled uncontrollably, we hid behind one of the columns near our table.”

Teaching Your Children the Difference Between Bossiness and Assertiveness

Sometimes it’s difficult for children to learn assertiveness. Often, assertiveness in making requests and standing or speaking up for yourself in a way that makes the other person feel good about the interaction slips into the realm of bossiness.

Children are perfect mirrors of our own behavior. All studies show that the habits you engage in are likely to be picked up by your children, whether it’s smoking, swearing, driving too fast, or abusing your spouse.

If you boss your children around, not treating them as full-fledged human beings but as your property or chattel, don’t be surprised to find them bossing around their siblings or other children. After all, they imitate you, and they’re probably doing a good job of it.

Lucy in the “Peanuts” comic strip is the epitome of the bossy personality. Lucy calls people names. She doesn’t make requests; she issues demands. There are times when the other kids barely tolerate her. She is the one who causes Charlie Brown to say, “Good grief!” more often than anyone else. If you want your kids to act like Lucy, keep yelling at them, bossing them around, and haranguing them for what they did not accomplish.

The Least You Need to Know

To be effective with members of your immediate family, you need to connect with them so that they feel you’re on their side.
Because being assertive with a spouse or significant other is special, you may have to extend yourself even further.
“Communication problems” is most frequently cited by survey respondents as the top reason for divorces in America.
Rejoice in the little ways that your children assert themselves. They’ll need such skills when they get older.
Children are perfect mirrors of our own behavior.

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Table of Contents for Chapter 14 Being Assertive Within Your Immediate Family

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