Chapter 10
 The Aggressiveness/Assertiveness Grid

We move now from identifying your “must haves” in Chapter 9 to a different gear wherein you are faced with an array of, perhaps less important, semi-nagging issues. It would be wonderful if you could always be your fine, upstanding, balanced self.

Still, there are some situations in life and in business where it makes sense to get totally aggressive yourself, even to the point of burning bridges, if that’s what it takes. Perhaps somebody owes you a small fortune, for example, and you never care if you see this despicable person again; you just want your money.

This chapter represents a departure from what’s come before, in that I’m going to lay out a strategy for you as to how you might care to vigorously pursue an issue given varying circumstances. Let’s face reality—if you’re never going to see the other party again, you don’t care what they think of you, and you have been rightfully denied what is owed you, burning bridges can make sense. The strategy you choose will depend on your situation.

A Measuring Tool for How and When to Be Aggressive

Suppose you’re confronted by a situation initiated by someone else or you experience outright transgression by someone else such that you feel compelled to vociferously speak up for yourself. The following grid shows potential responses to four different types of situations associated with four categories of individuals.

Although the instances when you feel you may need to vigorously assert yourself do not always directly result from an offense or transgression on the part of another, for purposes of shorthand I’ll use the word “offense” to connote something you feel merits redress.

The four categories are across the top of the grid:

• A one-time minor offense
  
• A repeated minor offense
  
• A one-time major offense
  
• A repeated major offense

The second dimension of the grid relates to the other party with whom you’ll be dealing. Reading down, these categories include:

• Someone close to you who you see every day, such as a spouse, family member, boss, or coworker
  
• Someone you see on occasion, perhaps once a week or less, but it is known that you’ll see this party many more times
  
• Someone you see rarely, or perhaps see less frequently than once every few months, or even once a year
  
• Someone you’ll likely never see again or choose to never see again

The Aggressiveness Grid

This approach provides guidelines for what techniques you may choose to use in particular situations. Now, let’s explore each of the sixteen cells, starting from the lower right-hand corner (which rates 100° on the “response” meter) weaving our way through to the top left-hand corner (which rates 40°).

A Repeat Major Offense from a Party You’re Not Likely to See Again (100°)

Suppose you brought your car in for repair at a service center you had not tried before. Rather than repair your car, the center makes the problem worse. You return to the shop several more times, and every time you get your car back, there’s something else wrong. Perhaps you’ve been assertive all along, even diplomatic, patiently working with the manager and focusing on the single goal of having your car in top condition.

You pay a fairly significant repair bill after the first time you pick up your car. After all, you hadn’t expected to make return visits. After X number of visits, you conclude that you’re wasting your time, you’re certainly not going to pay, the center is incompetent, and you want to have nothing further to do with this organization.

You ask for a credit voucher to offset the credit card payment you made following your first visit. The service manager is reluctant. He claims his mechanics have already spent many hours on your car, and they intend to make it “right for you.” From your perspective, this service center is highly incompetent and deserves none of your money; you’ll never come back.

In this case, it makes sense for you to either get the credit voucher or call your credit card company and cancel the charges.

On the Aggressiveness Grid, a repeat major offense by a party you’re never likely to see again equals 100°.

When to Burn Your Bridges

The second set of circumstances calls for a milder form of assertion (90 degrees on the Aggressiveness Grid) but a vigorous response nevertheless.

A One-Time Major Offense by a Party You’re Not Likely to See Again (90°)

You’re standing in line for tickets to a special event. You heard from a reliable source that it’s going to be a sellout, and there are not many tickets left. Suddenly, someone cuts in front of you, and no one else seems to notice. This jostles your sense of fairness. You’re hot, tired, have waited for quite a while, and can’t even be assured that any tickets will be left when you get to the front of the line. Also, you made some sacrifices to get here to pick up these tickets today.

This is an example of a one-time major offense from a party you’re not likely to see again. Your appropriate options include suggesting to this person that he move to the back of the line, or if that doesn’t work, asking someone else to hold your place in line while you go get an official.

Although the odds are probably slight that this one person will cause you to miss getting a ticket to the performance, most people would agree it’s your right to induce this person to go to the back of the line.

A Repeat Major Offense by a Party You’ll See Rarely (90°)

Suppose you have small children who frequently play in your yard. One day, someone from your local power company comes barreling into your driveway at a speed that you consider unsafe. He reads your meter and then leaves.

You recall this happened once before, when no one was in the yard and you happened to be looking out the window. Now you decide the situation clearly merits action. You walk over to the attendant and politely suggest he enter your driveway at a much slower speed, reminding him that safety is the first rule of any job that involves a motor vehicle. He accepts your suggestion and promises to drive more slowly in the future.

Next month, he again comes barreling into your driveway. It is now time to burn the bridges. This is a repeat and major offense (a 90° rating) by someone you’ll see once a month, at best, for five minutes. Yet, the stakes are too high.

In addition to admonishing this person for his driving, you choose to also tell him you’ll be reporting him to the utility and will ask that another driver be placed on this route.

Taking No Prisoners Has Its Place

The next three situations each rate an 80° on the Aggressiveness Grid. In these situations your response doesn’t need to be as strong as when you burn your bridges; nevertheless, due to the nature of these situations you will respond with vigor.

A Repeat Minor Offense by a Party You’re Not Likely to See Again (80°)

Suppose you live alone in an apartment complex, and you travel a lot for work. You don’t like to have newspapers stack up while you’re away because it’s an indication to crooks that your apartment would be an easy one to burglarize. You notice, repeatedly, that one free circulation newspaper is delivered to your door every Wednesday. You call the circulation manager and ask that they stop delivering this paper since you’re frequently away and don’t want any telltale signs that you’re not home. On top of that, you never read the paper.

The manager promises to stop delivery. Upon returning from your next trip, you find that the paper is still being delivered. You call or perhaps visit the office of the circulation manager. You explain how you’ve asked before, put notes on your door, and nothing seems to work. The circulation manager promises that it won’t happen again.

It happens again. The Aggressiveness Grid shows 80 degrees. Now is the time to take no prisoners.

Go over the head of the circulation manager to the publisher. Explain the situation and say if it happens even once more, you will begin to explore your legal rights.

Yes, papers stacking up at your door is relatively minor, but one burglary of your apartment can ruin your whole day, week, month, and potentially year, depending on whether or not the place gets ransacked.

A One-Time Major Offense by a Party You’ll See Rarely (80°)

You’re a home-business entrepreneur and occasionally receive overnight packages via express delivery services. One time, a package is left a few feet from the usual drop-off spot. As it turns out, you’re away for most of that day, and there is a torrential rain. When you return, you see that the package is water-logged. You go inside and open it. Its contents are completely drenched, ruined! The Aggressiveness Grid says 80°.

This has only happened once, from a service you encounter once a month or less. Unfortunately, you consequently miss an important deadline and need to call the original party to have the package resubmitted. Not a happy situation.

It’s important for you to call this delivery firm to establish precisely where the drop-off point is, credit the sender’s account for the ruined package, and ensure that this situation will not happen again.

A Repeat Major Offense by a Party You’ll See Occasionally (80°)

You live in a high-rise condominium complete with a doorman. Usually, you enter from the parking garage and take the elevator up to your apartment. Once a week or so, you enter from the front door, returning from some trip or errand on foot.

You don’t really know the doorman, and he certainly doesn’t know you, but for some reason, he makes a remark about your appearance every time he opens the door for you:

• “Mm . . . , Mm . . . , you’re lookin’ good!”
  
• “You’re certainly a sight for sore eyes!”
  
• “My, my . . .”

At first, it’s tolerable. Then it becomes a little irritating, until finally, it’s offensive. What’s more, he’s made his comments when you’ve been with others, or when others not accompanying you have been within earshot. This, too, rates an 80° on the Aggressiveness Grid.

You only see this person about once a week or so, and his running commentary only lasts for about 15 seconds.

Why make a big deal of things? You have the right to because it’s where you live, it’s the front door you have to go through, and you don’t need to be repeatedly subjected to this person’s running diatribe about your appearance.

You indicated to him via gestures that you don’t appreciate the remarks. Another time, you said to him directly in a low voice, “Okay, that’s enough.” Finally, you came right out and said, “Please refrain from making such comments.” The next couple of times you see him, surprise, no remarks!

Then it starts again. You assert yourself, saying, “I’ve asked you before to please refrain from making such comments.” If that doesn’t do it—if you hear even one more remark on subsequent trips through the front door—it’s time to burn your bridges.

Your next message to the doorman needs to be on the level of, “I think it’s time that you, I, and the condominium association manager had a long chat.”

Deciding to Come to the Peace Table

You have now reached the midpoint of the Aggressiveness Grid, where the temperature registers 70°. There are four cells in this category.

A One-Time Minor Offense by a Person You’re Likely to See Again (70°)

You ask a question during a lecture. The presenter comments that your question would take too long to discuss. You feel a little put off. You wish to speak up, but you decide to wait until after the lecture. It would be too vigorous to speak up during the meeting.

As the session ends and everyone files out, you make your way to the front of the lecture hall to converse with the presenter. Rather than leave that evening feeling hurt or offended, you decide to come to the peace table and air your views regarding the validity of your question and the manner in which he handled it.

If you gain satisfaction from his response, then all is well; there is no need to dwell on the issue any further. If you don’t gain satisfaction, then perhaps you want to restate your position another way and end the encounter. That’s all you can do. In the grand scope of things, it’s only a minor offense and you gave it your best shot.

A Repeat Minor Offense by a Party You’ll Rarely See Again (70°)

In their effort to do a good job, you surmise, the nightly cleaning crew rearranges things on your desk so when you begin work in the morning, you’re thrown off-course. You only encounter the crew members every few weeks or so, and they come in very late. Nevertheless, you don’t wish to spend several minutes every morning reorganizing the materials on your desk.

Your options are clear; you can leave a note explaining the situation. In it you’ll need to state that you will take responsibility for cleaning your own desk. Otherwise you can stay late the very next evening, so you can explain to the crew in person the importance of not rearranging items on your desk.

Suppose that the cleaning contractor rotates its crews, or that hired help is consistently turning over? From week to week or month to month, different people are cleaning your office. This case calls for at least two measures:

• One, put a sign or placard on your desk as you depart each evening. In it, request that your desktop contents not be touched.
  
• Two, call the supervisor or foreman responsible for the company’s offices and explain the situation. Perhaps you could provide an actual map indicating where your office is, or if the offices are numbered, you can simply refer to the number.

A One-Time Major Offense by a Party You’ll See Rarely (70°)

You don’t go into the post office often—you can’t stand the wait. You order stamps by mail, send others to make pickups and deliveries, and, in general, minimize your actual trips.

One time, after ordering $60 worth of stamps by mail, you receive only $48 worth of stamps. You call and present your case to a variety of post office personnel, but get no satisfaction. You decide it’s time to make a trip to personally meet the window clerk supervisor, someone you’ve seen occasionally, who may recognize you.

You explain the situation. Then, the supervisor explains how stamp-by-mail orders are carefully filled out and accounted for before the stamps are sent to the customer. That’s all fine and dandy, you say, but, nevertheless, you’re still missing $12 worth of stamps.

You intend to get the number of stamps you know you’re missing, but you haven’t come to make war. After all, you haven’t been shortchanged before. What’s more, it was probably an honest mistake. Additionally, this is the only post office in your small town. You have to deal with these people.

Considerable time passes; meanwhile, the supervisor keeps re-articulating his point. You mention that you could take this grievance to the postmaster, the highest authority in town, or fill out a grievance card and send it to Washington, D.C., but you choose not to because you’ve come here to achieve an effective resolution and keep the peace.

Stand your ground and do not leave until you’re given the requisite number of stamps.

A Repeat Major Offense by a Party You’ll See Regularly (70°)

You live with your significant other. Practically every time your S.O. takes a shower, he or she ends up flooding the bathroom floor. This really irritates you. What does it take to fix the shower curtain and re-aim the shower head so no water leaks out of the tub area? What’s far worse, you also notice that moisture is seeping through into the basement. If your S.O. keeps this up, very costly structural damage could result, possibly requiring thousands of dollars worth of repairs and a grueling clean-up.

If you were never to see the offending party again, the Aggressiveness Grid would show 100, but we’re talking about your significant other. This is someone you live with and sleep with. Therefore, it only registers as 70 on the grid.

Lovingly, but emphatically, state that it’s time to stop drenching the bathroom floor. Without being condescending, show your partner how to solve the leakage problem.

If the situation resolves itself, fine. If it happens again, you’ll need to be more demonstrative, because water seeping through to the basement, causing structural damage, is cumulative, costly, and avoidable, not to mention hazardous, messy, and stinky! After a repeated number of occurrences, you’ll have to be the judge; maybe it’s time to consider a different partner. Or, go to a home center and investigate glassed-in bath areas or other options that automatically will diminish any incidents of shower water hitting the bathroom floor.

On Being More Diplomatic

You’re in the home stretch, and now, with three 60 degree examples, you’ll be a master of the entire grid. If all the previous situations benefit from a touch of diplomacy, for the next three it’s more or less mandatory.

A One-Time Minor Offense by a Party You’ll See Occasionally (60°)

A different utility company representative comes monthly to check your meter. In fact, this situation comes directly from my personal experience. I happened to be home one morning when a power company representative parked her vehicle in my driveway. She left the motor running, went and read my meter, and then returned to her vehicle. Upon her return, she saw someone she knew in the next yard and walked directly over to her.

Then, for the next 12 minutes, she engaged in conversation with her vehicle’s motor still running. I was aware of the situation from the first few minutes because I heard the vehicle approach and looked out the window. I don’t think it is a great practice to leave the motor running while checking the meter, but I figured it would only take a minute or so, and this was not a big deal.

After a few minutes, I could still hear the motor running, so I looked out the window, and saw that the representative was engaged in conversation. I waited another four or five minutes, equaling about nine minutes total, and began to get irritated. I waited three more minutes and made for my front door. Just as I passed through the front door and began walking down the sidewalk steps, the representative came back to her still idling vehicle.

At this point, I confronted her. I told her I thought it was neither professional nor very safe to leave a car idling for as long as she had. She was taken aback. She saw nothing wrong in what she had done. I explained to her the large gap between a parked car and one with the motor running. After all, things can happen to an unattended, idling vehicle.

To her credit, she had a change of heart (perhaps she feared I would report her). She conceded that maybe she was in error, and she wouldn’t let it happen again. We parted amicably.

A Repeat Minor Offense by a Party You’ll See Regularly (60°)

Ever have a coworker who opens the door to your office, comes in, and then leaves with the door open? How about the reverse? Someone comes in when your door is open, speaks to you for a few moments, and then leaves closing the door?

This is obviously a minor offense; after all, we’re not talking nuclear armaments here! Nevertheless, wouldn’t most people assume that how you had your door before they entered is how you’d like to have it upon their exit? At the least, if they’re unsure, they could ask how you’d like to have your door.

If they retreat slowly enough upon leaving your door open after first finding it closed, you could always say, “Please close the door.” If they retreat closing the door when you originally had left it open, you might be able to say through the door, “Could you leave the door open, please?”

It’s probably overkill to post a note saying please leave the door as you found it.

You could rush after the person and politely implore them to leave the door as they found it in the future, or you could bring up the topic later on when you see them in the halls or around the office.

Either way, you’ve got to be judicious about this; otherwise you’re likely to offend them by admonishing them over what they perceive as a piddling affair. Indeed, they may be more offended for being told how to leave your door than you were when they made the unrequested change in the position of your door.

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 Handle with Care
One of dozens of problems with a passive/aggressive behavioral approach is the other party frequently doesn’t get the lesson. They may not be aware that they aggravate you. What is an issue for you may not be an issue for them, so how could your actions possibly “teach” them anything?

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In any case, keep the situation light. Say something like, “When I decide to apply for sainthood, I’ll probably overlook such matters. But for now, I’d appreciate it if you’d leave my door the way you find it.”

You could try turning around the situation, but it won’t work. Suppose you go into your coworker’s office, and if you find the door open, leave closing it, or vice versa. This is a form of passive/aggressive behavior, which I discussed in Chapter 1. Presumably, through your actions you attempt to teach the other party how to treat you.

A One-Time Major Offense by a Party You’ll See Regularly (60°)

You made a major contribution to a report that your team recently turned in. The report had profound ramifications for the entire organization. Yet, yours was the only name that did not appear anyplace within the report. You’re steamed, and normally, the Aggressiveness Grid would show 100°.

Since this is a group you see every day and need to work with closely, you regain your composure. You diplomatically approach the report’s final editor and air your grievance. He or she offers apologies, possible remedies, such as circulating a memo stating that your name was inadvertently left out of the report, and you move on.

You have no need for creating a campaign out of this—the transgression is obvious. Assuming your team members individually and collectively maintain a sense of justice, they’re as likely to remedy the situation as you are. Therefore, let them do it.

Establishing Smooth Relations

Now you’re getting way down on the Aggressiveness Grid, around the 50 degree mark. When someone you encounter on a regular basis commits a one-time minor offense, if possible, adroitly address the situation directly after it happens.

If time has passed, perhaps it’s better to not bring it up. If you feel the situation does merit mention, however, give it the air time it deserves and nothing more. Keep your observations brief and light. Then, in the same paragraph, or the next, turn to something else. In other words, direct the other party away from the issue you raised.

Here are some ideas for establishing smooth relations at those times when someone you know or see regularly does something which offends you a little.

• Meet with the other party on their turf.
  
• Be convincing, but highly tactful.
  
• Listen earnestly to what the other party has to say.
  
• Maintain perspective; keep the situation as light as possible.
  
• Work to obtain a common understanding.
  
• Propose a solution.
  
• Allow the other party to save face.
  
• Acknowledge any responsibility you have for the issue.
  
• Keep the issue private.
  
• Avoid using your authority or position.
  
• Use the other party’s name(s) frequently.
  
• Lightly touch the shoulder of the other party.
  
• Smile when appropriate.

A second situation that calls for establishing smooth relations is when someone close to you commits a repeat minor offense. While this normally might register higher on the grid, you’re going to contain yourself and keep it at 50 degrees because the person is close to you.

For example, if your spouse squeezes the toothpaste in the middle and this drives you crazy, bring up the topic in casual conversation now and then, but if it continues to happen, let it go. You have so many other solutions that this isn’t worth the energy.

What are the solutions if your spouse squeezes the toothpaste in the middle? I’m glad you asked! I never met a tube of toothpaste that no matter how badly squeezed in the middle, couldn’t be fixed. Close the cap tightly. Then, using the handle of your toothbrush, squeeze up all the toothpaste from the bottom toward the top of the tube like you normally would if you were using only your hands.

Next, open the cap and put the excess that has risen to the top on your toothbrush and brush your teeth.

You can also buy one of those metallic devices that you attach at the end of your toothpaste tube, which you use to roll up the tube as the toothpaste is dispensed. This effectively shortens the tube as you proceed, hence minimizing the effects of your spouse squeezing the tube in the middle.

As a last resort, go buy your own tube.

The Final Jeopardy Category (40°)

The final category on the grid is the situation in which someone close to you commits a one-time minor transgression. In this case, your path is clear—FORGET IT!