Chapter 7
 Self-Confidence Tips You Can Practice Today

So far, you’ve seen that it’s normal to be a little concerned about your future; hundreds of millions of people are concerned about their futures! Yet, there are people who find opportunity in adversity and are confident in the face of uncertainty. Recognizing where you shine and where you don’t is a major step in increasing the rate and frequency of feeling self-confident.

You’ve also learned that vocal self-confidence can help you have a greater impact on others. Also, people who have self-confidence and/or vocal self-confidence are regarded by others as more attractive.

Now we turn our attention to neat stuff you can do to increase your self-confidence—and live to try some more.

Read ’Em and Reap

Let’s jump right into some specific strategies you can use to build your self-confidence unfailingly, naturally, and easily.

Maintain Reasonable Expectations

Rome wasn’t built in a day. You’ve heard that before? How about this: The Chicago Bulls didn’t win a championship in the first six seasons that Michael Jordan played with them. Happily, it won’t take you seven years to develop more self-confidence. You actually can see results in as little as seven days, even more in 21 days, and magnificent results within a few months.

Add an Ounce of Preparation

Suppose you’re a salesperson and have a territory that you cover by car. How much better would each of your presentations be if you spent a few minutes in the car carefully collecting your thoughts, perhaps reviewing or rearranging your notes, taking a few deep breaths, and contemplating how you would like the encounter to unfold? Do you realize that many of the world’s top income earners, even years into professional selling, still spend significant amounts of time preparing before each sales call? In many respects, what these top producers are doing is simply going over the basics. They know that preparation, even a few minutes worth, is worth its weight in gold in terms of boosting self-confidence.

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 Just the Facts
The basics are what propel top performers all over the world. Olympic athletes, major league baseball players, chess masters, you name it. All spend time at the beginning of each season or each contest reviewing the fundamentals. It’s the mediocre performers who think they can skip vital steps. They get bored, or they assume that they’re naturally doing everything okay.

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While practice doesn’t always make perfect, practice does help you increase performance in every endeavor.

Find Peace Within

You may have noticed that self-confident people seem to resonate an inner calm. Even in a crisis situation, they appear to have a sense of equanimity that impacts every aspect of their lives.

The best athletes play with fire and intensity, while maintaining an air of relaxation. By staying focused and relaxed, you can empty your mind of distractions and, hence, increase your ability to perform, regardless of the task at hand.

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 Word Power
Equanimity is the ability to maintain balance and perspective, even in the face of turmoil.

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Give Yourself a Pep Talk

This may sound like a small gesture in terms of building your overall self-confidence. Consider, however, that a verbal, private, self-elevating pep talk helps you to overcome negative self-talk, which you learned about in Chapter 5.

I sometimes say to myself:

Or

Use whatever lingo is appropriate for you. I know one person who says, “All right, I’ve tackled bigger fish than this one.” And someone else who says, “Hit me with your best shot.” If you’ve never tried this approach before, you’re in for a treat.

Use Empowering Language

Suppose you’re in a phone conversation with someone and he or she makes a request of you. What if, instead of saying, “I’ll have to get that file, make copies, and fax them to you,” you were to say, “I’ll be happy to get that file . . .” What would you imagine the impact would be on your psyche, your inner being? Would you feel better about your job, the request that’s been made of you, and your ability to fulfill it? Chances are you would. In fact, in one study, office workers who used self-empowering language such as:

• “I’ll be happy to.”
  
• “I certainly can.”
  
• “I’ll take care of that for you.”

instead of:

• “I’ll have to.”
  
• “I don’t know if . . .”
  
• “That’s not my job.”

 . . . actually felt better about themselves and had more energy, not to mention how their attitude put other people at ease!

It’s funny how such a small change in word use can create a change in disposition and confidence. Yet, as we’ve seen, these little things sink in and infiltrate profound levels of your inner being.

Suppose your spouse asks you to take out the garbage. Normally you give a reluctant, “Okay.” What if you were to say, “I’d be happy to,” and mean it? After all, you’re likely to be asked to do this repeatedly in the future. Since the task isn’t going to go away, it’s not that big a deal, it’s at least partially your responsibility, you intend to live with this person for more than a few days, and your psyche could use a positive stimulus, you have more than enough compelling reasons to say, “I’ll be happy to take out the garbage,” and mean it!

The same principle can be put into chart form, then posted in a highly visible location:

When You’re Smilin’ . . .

“Okay, you told me to give myself a pep talk, to use more upbeat language, and now you’re saying to smile. What’s next? Sprinkling fairy dust over my shoes?” Before you work yourself into a tizzy of skepticism, consider that I’m talking science here. When you’re able to impart a sincere smile, even if there’s no one else around, a whole host of factors inside of you are put into gear.

Your physiology literally changes when you smile. The serotonin level in your brain increases, your blood circulates more freely, your respiratory system operates with greater efficiency, and a variety of organs and glands are engaged, each of which increases your overall well-being. The long-standing phrase “Laughter is the best medicine” contains a megadose of truth.

Whether you’re married or single, think back to the last time you approached someone you thought was attractive. Odds are, if you were smiling, you had a much better chance of having a successful encounter with that person. A smile imparts to others messages such as:

• “I’m glad to be here.”
  
• “I want to be your friend.”
  
• “I feel at ease.”
  
• “I can help.”
  
• “I’d like to learn about you.”
  
• “I know what I’m doing.”
  
• “Let’s have some fun.”
  
• “We’re going to make a good team.”
  
• “I’m okay, you’re okay!”

Please Yourself

One of the last hit songs from the late Ricky Nelson was called “Garden Party,” and it contained the memorable line, “You can’t please everyone, so you’ve got to please yourself.” I’m not suggesting that self-confident people are egotistical, conceited, or selfish. Rather, they inherently understand the need to engage in activities that are rewarding to them.

Extending yourself for the express purpose of impressing others runs counter to the notion of self-confidence. You end up spending more time and energy doing things simply because you want to impress others.

In the grand mix of activities in which you engage in life, there’s certainly nothing wrong with doing things to please or occasionally impress others. The issue is, do you have a choice?

The self-confident person engages in such activities, or does not, at will. He recognizes that he’s most likely to succeed at those things that he enjoys doing, and as the situation dictates, he looks for ways to include others.

Trust Others

Few individuals make it in society without the help and support of others. Even if you’re an entrepreneur, there are frequent times throughout the day and week when you need to rely on others. The self-confident person in a work setting delegates freely and easily, but also carefully and methodically. He or she knows that the confidence placed in others helps create a victorious circle, wherein both parties bolster each other’s confidence.

Perhaps the saddest, most pitiful people you’re likely to know are those who cannot place trust in others. They vehemently cling to whatever projects, information, or good fortune may come their way. They neither share nor benefit from the synergy that could occur from letting others into their “private” domain.

The great leaders of the world, some of the most self-confident people among us, are able to engender a loyal following because they trust people. The greater the trust, the greater the following.

Getting the Best of Yourself

Years ago, I used to display on my wall laminated copies of each of my book covers, awards and plaques I received, and citations and honors given to me by the groups to whom I spoke. Later, I thought that these were all history and wouldn’t adequately motivate me for what I wanted to achieve in the future, so I took them down.

As a result of writing this book and researching what makes the highly self-confident people among us stay highly self-confident, I brought out all the book covers (24 of them), and all the plaques and awards (18 of them), and have nary a space left on any of my walls for what’s next. However, I will find space, because more is coming.

Look for Victories, Large and Small

Research has shown that your subconscious, that inner sanctum of your being, can’t differentiate between a large issue and a small one. If you’re promoted to the division vice-president or simply gain kudos for an excellent report you turned in, the subconscious “records” both events as “wins.”

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 Make It So
If you win small victories all day long and acknowledge them as such, your subconscious will begin to believe that you are indeed a winner. After all, you rack up victories every day.

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Before you discount this as some type of self-congratulatory system, consider that since the subconscious makes no assessment about the magnitude of your victories but earnestly works to support you in garnering more of the same, each time you acknowledge yourself, whether the accomplishment is large or small, you set in motion the internal apparatus that will increase the probability of you achieving even more.

Reward Yourself

When you do something wonderful, take time out of your day to not only acknowledge yourself, but to do something nice for yourself. Stop off and get an ice-cream cone. Go to that movie you want to see.

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 Make It So
Self-confident people understand the vital importance of enjoying their successes.

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If you treat each day and each event as just part of the job or one of many responsibilities, all days begin to look the same. What are some good activities and events for which you can have at least a mini-celebration? The list is very long. Try these for openers. When you:

• Complete a report prior to the deadline
  
• Are under budget this quarter
  
• Finish three strokes under your handicap
  
• Have an article accepted for publication
  
• Get your Web site up and running
  
• Complete your taxes
  
• Clean out and organize your garage
  
• Reorganize the company library
  
• Drop those six pounds you’ve been seeking to shed
  
• Finally decide to book that vacation in Martinique

Learn from Your Mistakes and Then Move On

Ah, if life were nothing but victories! Everyone makes mistakes by the boatload, but confident people somehow learn along the way that mistakes need not drag them down. They don’t dwell on them. They regard them as life lessons that give them insights that perhaps they did not have before.

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 Make It So
Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some leeway to make mistakes on occasion and be far less than perfect, especially when it comes to being assertive.

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Life repeats itself until you learn the lesson, and then you move on. If you were to never make any mistakes or make only tiny ones, that would be a sign that you probably weren’t attempting enough in life. After all, if you play it safe, hardly taking your foot off first base, you’ll never get picked off, but you won’t score many runs either.

Conjure up the image of someone you know who is self-confident. Does she go to pieces when she makes a mistake? Does she get bogged down in what didn’t go right, or does she learn from it and move on?

Handle Criticism Adroitly

No matter what you do in this life, there will always be somebody out there sometime (if not daily!) who will offer well- or ill-constructed criticism of what you’ve done. Self-confident people don’t fear criticism; indeed, some actually seek it. Even harsh criticism often contains some nuggets of truth that are worth hearing, despite the otherwise painful encounter.

If you’re frequently criticized by the same person, such as a boss or spouse, you might conclude that what they say has less relevance because they’ve been down this path with you before. Yet, whether it’s a frequent criticizer or not, there are ways to handle criticism so that you glean the best from the situation without inciting any antagonism:

1. Let the other party finish what he’s saying before you respond.
   
2. Indicate that you’ve understood what you just heard, whether or not you’re in agreement, by summarizing the criticism using your own words.
   
3. Don’t attempt to justify your behavior or actions, belittle the criticizer, make light of what he says, or offer rebuttal criticism.
   
4. Remain open to and address the criticism about what you have done or allegedly done. Do not be open to criticism about who or what you are.

Stay focused on the activity or issue in question, and things will turn out okay.

Going a Step Beyond

Self-confident people are not afraid to use their imaginations. They’ve come to draw upon imagination as a creative, visual, internal rehearsal of what can be. Consider this—how often does stuff just fall into your lap? How often does good fortune smile on you, when you’ve had no hand in it at all? I’m guessing far less than you’d like it to happen.

Conversely, how often do things work out for the best, when you at least contemplated the possibilities? A bit more often, I’ll wager. Those who lack confidence are afraid to engage their imagination, as if there will be some kind of penalty for having the temerity to wish for more.

Unbottle Your Imagination

A philosopher once said, “The imagination is the workshop of the mind.” Visualization, a tool discussed in Chapter 5, is one of the many tools of imagination. Here are some ideas to imagine your way to greater self-confidence:

• Imagine yourself giving an effective presentation to your team on Wednesday.
  
• Imagine yourself going up to someone you’re attracted to and easily initiating a conversation.
  
• Imagine marching into your boss’s office and, in a relaxed and confident manner, discussing why it’s time for you to receive a raise.
  
• Imagine yourself being chosen to lead the local chapter of some national civic organization.
  
• Imagine the press eagerly writing down what you have to say.
  
• Imagine being assertive whenever you choose to be.

Experiment with Roles

Earlier I discussed the importance of acting the part. Experimenting with roles expands somewhat on that notion.

I once heard of someone who wore several different hats—literally! Depending on the type of challenge he likely would face that day, he put on the most appropriate hat. He wore a Texas ten-gallon hat when he faced tough negotiations. He wore an English sleuth hat like that of Sherlock Holmes when he had to resolve puzzling situations. He wore a top hat like that worn by President Lincoln when he was going to make proclamations to his staff, customers, or constituents.

Hey, if this sounds a little crazy, then don’t do it. Do whatever works for you. In many respects, increasing your self-confidence is simply a matter of finding out what makes you feel good about yourself and then engaging in the relevant behavior patterns.

Imitate Self-Confident People

The most potent suggestion comes last. All around you—at work, on television, on the streets, and in your neighborhood—you have the opportunity to observe self-confident people. Undoubtedly, you already know several. Have you ever taken the time to stop and observe what they do?

• How do they work?
  
• What do they say?
  
• How do they dress?
  
• How do they carry themselves?
  
• When do they pause?
  
• How do they interact with others?

Yogi Berra, a former baseball great for the New York Yankees and then a manager of the Yankees for several years, once remarked, “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

After you’ve watched for a while, question as well. Ask self-confident people why they do what they do. Most will be happy to tell you.

If you find yourself attracted to the self-confidence in others, it’s likely that you have the capacity for greater self-confidence yourself. Imitation is a fundamental mode of learning. The qualities you admire in other people quite often indicate what’s undeveloped but fully attainable within you.

If you could arrange your life so that you were surrounded by self-confident people, human nature being what it is, eventually you’d become more like them. Unfortunately, it’s not likely you can structure your life to be around self-confident people all the time. You’ve got to interact with people from all parts of the behavioral spectrum. Hereafter, though, if you remain cognizant of who’s self-confident and the distinctions between his or her behavior and that of others, you may just be among the lucky few who awake one bright morning and find that they, too, are highly self-confident people.