Chapter 11
 Separating Myth From Reality

If you’re the eldest child in your family, supposedly you are inclined to be more assertive. True sometimes, but not across the board. I’ve even heard it said that if you are from an affluent family you tend to be more assertive than someone from less well-to-do origins.

Let’s take a brief tour to see if these notions hold water.

Born on the Right Side of the Tracks?

From Little Orphan Annie to Richie Rich, an age-old question persists: What advantages are there to being raised in an affluent environment? More specifically, is there a link between wealth and assertiveness? Are the wealthy wealthy because they’re assertive? Does someone raised in affluence tend to become assertive?

Assertiveness May Lead to Wealth

It appears that assertiveness does indeed lead to wealth. Denis Waitely, who from the early 1970s to the early 1990s studied wealthy, successful, high achievers from all walks of life, found a strong correlation between a strong vocabulary and greater income-producing potential. This doesn’t mean that merely having an extensive vocabulary or being verbose adds up to assertiveness or wealth. Brilliant Ph.D.s may speak poetically on one topic and give an extended philosophical discourse on another, but may not be assertive. Perhaps you had a professor in college like that. Perhaps you are a professor like that. A good vocabulary, however, certainly helps.

As you learned in Chapters 7 and 8, the natural ability to speak up is a valuable skill. In addition, the assertive tend to rise faster in their careers and, yes, earn more money.

Within professional service firms, the “finders,” people who go out and get new business, earn much more than the “minders” who manage the projects, and the “grinders” who actually do the work. In large organizations, the people who make themselves heard rise to the top.

“Can I Say Something?”

Some of the very wealthy asserted themselves at a young age. Whatever else you may think of him, Henry Ross Perot is an excellent example of someone from humble origins and short of stature, who, by virtue of his assertiveness, generated nearly incalculable wealth.

Perot grew up in the Depression era. At age 12, he approached the circulation manager of his town newspaper, the Gazette, and offered to deliver newspapers to people’s homes in the poverty-stricken area of town. No one had ever conceived of this idea—the prevailing assumption was that poor people could not afford, let alone read, a newspaper. Perot felt otherwise.

Within a short period Perot was making so much money by delivering newspapers that his commission was in jeopardy of being reduced. Never one to sit back and let others control his destiny, Perot wrote to the publisher and complained about how he was being treated by the paper’s management after making so much money for the paper. The publisher agreed with him and he was able to continue the lucrative arrangement he had set up.

While working for IBM and becoming their top sales representative, Perot conceived of initiating a service branch within IBM which would help client companies learn how to use and apply office technology to improve their business operations. IBM declined to follow through on his idea, and Perot, at age 31, decided to leave his high-commission-earning job to start his own company, EDS. In 1984, he sold EDS to General Motors for $2.5 billion, and in 1986 sold his remaining stock in the company for $700 million. In one move after another, Perot asserted himself on the way to his ultimate prosperity.

Neither Gender Nor Language Barriers

Consider Kavelle R. Bajaj, who came to the United States from India in 1974 and faced cultural and gender barriers. In her conservative Indian upbringing, Bajaj was expected to place family affairs over a career. She opened a small business selling imported goods, but almost immediately became dissatisfied and disappointed in this venture.

Eventually she opted to try again. In the early 1980s, following the breakup of American Telephone and Telegraph, Bajaj borrowed $5,000 and took computer and database management classes at a nearby college. She then started a company called I-Net, which provided telecommunication contracting services primarily to the Department of Defense.

The company developed a solid reputation and grew quickly, if not evenly, over the next several years. In 1990, Bajaj landed a $100-million long-term contract from the Air Force for computer systems engineering and software. Bajaj attributes her success to initiative, assertiveness, and commitment to ideals. “There is opportunity in the United States for the person who wants to make it,” she says. “There is no reason to make excuses.”

The Ways and the Means

If assertiveness leads to wealth, does wealth lead to assertiveness? Those who are wealthy have the means to make their wishes more readily known than those who are not as wealthy. If you’re wealthy, perhaps you have more time to be in organizations and take leadership positions. Certainly, someone who is wealthy has more options in life than someone who is not.

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 Make It So
When it comes to assertiveness, there doesn’t seem to be a right or wrong side of the track. Your ability to be assertive is there for the taking.

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Gauging if children born into affluent environments tend to be assertive is a more reliable indicator of whether wealth enhances assertiveness. We have to be careful here because the nature versus nurture elements need to be acknowledged. That is, children born to parents of wealth may inherit assertive characteristics. Nevertheless, from my observations and the studies I have encountered, there seems to be a reverse effect. Children born into affluent environments generally seem to be less assertive than expected.

Perhaps the parents’ assertiveness and possible domineering qualities, which aided them in their accumulation of wealth, detrimentally affected their children’s assertiveness. It’s been well documented that wealth in families is often dissipated between the first and second generations, and certainly the second and third generations.

Are Men More or Less Assertive than Women?

In Chapter 17, I dwell specifically on special assertiveness situations for women. For now, suffice it to say that because of historical and social developments, it appears that men as a population group tend to be more assertive than women, at least in situations outside of the family.

While the number of women in the workforce and in higher corporate positions has increased dramatically in the last few decades, a great deal of balancing still needs to be done in those areas in the next millennium. And women can improve the odds through assertiveness.

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 Just the Facts
Historically, men have been heads of nations, leaders of governments, generals, warriors, orators, debaters, professors, and scholars. They were more likely to be published, broadcast, and celebrated. Male children emulated their fathers, while female children emulated their mothers. Once again, however, your ability to be assertive, whether you’re a man or a woman, is dependent mostly on the unique and particular aspects of your own situation.

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More Alike Than Different?

Professor Julia Wood of the University of North Carolina disagrees with the otherwise popular notion that most men are alike and most women are alike. Professor Wood says that too many popular psychologists and authors maximize the differences and minimize the similarities between the sexes. She contends that although there are differences between men and women, the similarities far outweigh those differences.

Dr. Wood finds that much of the gender communications lore “overemphasizes the differences while eclipsing important similarities, and discourages the quality perceptions of individuals.” In other words, you have to consider each person on a case-by-case basis. Just because someone is this sex or that doesn’t mean you can assume they are assertive or not.

Is it really true today that men are more assertive than women? Probably not! Are men and women assertive in different circumstances? Probably so. If women are still the primary caretakers of children, how is it that they produce more assertive sons and less assertive daughters? Do parents treat boy and girl children differently and reward them for different behaviors? Most studies say yes. These and other burning questions of the day are not easily answered because of rapid and recent shifts in the family structure.

Are Men Less Sensitive Than Women?

In her book Communication and the Sexes, published by Harper and Row in 1988, Barbara Bate concluded that, in general, women tend to be more sympathetic, compassionate, gentle, and warm than men. Other studies and books before and after this one confirm these findings. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that all women exhibit these characteristics more than all men; it means that in the aggregate, women tend to exhibit these qualities more frequently than men.

If men are more assertive and women are more responsive, then men are heard, and perhaps understood and heeded. If women are assertive and men are perhaps unresponsive, then women might understandably be frustrated.

All of this leads to the conclusion that women face special challenges to being assertive. Tune in to Chapter 17 for the compelling conclusion.

You Can Learn to Be More Assertive

Everything that you’ve encountered in this book, including this chapter, shows that you can learn to be more assertive, regardless of whatever potential disadvantages, impediments, or obstacles may be in your path. In fact, you can look for small victories in everyday life that will enhance your ability to be assertive.