Chapter 1
What Is Assertiveness and What Isn’t?

“Wow, you really asserted yourself when that guy at the auto repair shop suggested you might need hundreds of dollars worth of new parts.”

“Gee, maybe I ought to take an assertiveness training course. I get such a hard time when I’m out at night.”

“I’d like to be more assertive with my boss, but I’m afraid I’ll end up getting fired.”

Although you may hear language similar to these examples, what do such statements really convey? More importantly, if you learn to be assertive, will you save more money, keep creeps away, and gain a better bargaining position at work?

Will your whole life improve if you learn how to be assertive? Increasingly, the answer is YES! Being assertive is a valuable skill in a world where people don’t listen to you; listen, but don’t understand; or understand, but don’t respond. In this chapter you’ll learn what assertiveness really is, and how it can help you.

What Does it Mean to Be Assertive?

Assert, assertive, assertiveness, and other derivative words have many different meanings in many different dictionaries. In a nutshell, you have a fundamental right of sorts as a human being to express yourself, if in doing so you don’t trample on the rights of others. You also have the right to make your needs known, and to say no and feel good about your decision.

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 Word Power
Being assertive means to speak or stand up for yourself or others without diminishing someone else’s rights.

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One school of thought is that there are three human response styles: passivity, assertiveness, and aggression. Assertiveness is the mid-level response. What do each of these response styles mean?

• Passivity. In this behavior, you confine your actions to certain narrow borders. For example, someone asks you to accompany them when you don’t want to. You go along, but are inwardly resentful for having to do so.
  
• Assertiveness. In this behavior, you speak up or stand up for yourself or others without diminishing someone else’s rights. For example, an assertive response to an unwanted invitation would be: “I appreciate the invitation, but I’ll have to pass on it.”
  
• Aggressiveness. In this behavior, you diminish someone else’s basic rights, communicating in an uncivil or disrespectful manner. For example, an aggressive response to an invitation would be: “I would never accompany you. Disappear!”
  

Another school of thought holds that assertiveness is a multi-faceted, multi-dimensional element of behavior that has three main characteristics:

1. Conveying appropriate self-interest
   
2. Maintaining integrity
   
3. Upholding rights

Conveying Appropriate Self-Interest

When you display a capacity for determining what merits your time and attention, be it engaging in conversation or spending time with others, you are conveying appropriate self-interest. Other instances include pursuing your education or career, establishing priorities (see Chapter 3), forging relationships, and joining organizations, as well as following your own inner-wisdom and drawing on your ability to seek input from others. These are all basic, if less recognized, forms of assertiveness.

Maintaining Integrity

There’s a kind of integrity that goes along with assertiveness—meaning what you say, when you say it, in the way that you say it. It is being free to effectively rebut and refute, or support and enhance other’s views. While many people equate assertiveness with the ability to say no, it is more than that. Assertiveness is also having the ability to say yes, or saying yes within limits. It’s having the ability to say maybe because you mean maybe, not because you’re putting somebody off for fear of saying no.

Maintaining integrity encompasses dealing with others’ judgments, disapproval, or hostility as it may arise.

Upholding Rights

Assertiveness is recognizing your rights as a person, taxpayer, consumer, group member, audience member, and the like to voice your opinion, observation, or concern without impeding the rights of others.

In this book, whenever you see the word “assertiveness” or any root words, consider it shorthand for “the process of exhibiting effective assertiveness techniques”—in other words, the ability to skillfully and tactfully ensure that you are heard, understood, and heeded. After all, why attempt to be understood if you can’t get the other person to respond or act on what you said?

At no time in this book will assertiveness connote anything negative, such as being aggressive, overbearing, hostile, argumentative, angry, manipulative, or pushy. When I mean to convey those terms, I’ll actually use them!

Why this distinction? Because many people associate assertiveness with negative behavior, such as being overbearing or rude.

A Positive Term

If I say it once, I’ll say it a thousand times: assertiveness is a positive word. It relates to a skill that will enable you to:

• Feel better about yourself.
  
• Minimize any unpleasantness you may experience during a day.
  
• Potentially have better relations with others.
  
• Reduce stress.
  
• Potentially propel your career.
  
• Possibly vault yourself into a leadership position.

Not bad for a single skill, heh?

But slow down, speedo—being assertive won’t guarantee success in life, love, work, or any place in between. It does aid enormously in establishing a climate in which effective relationships can flourish.

Physical Versus Vocal Assertiveness

Okay, so you know that assertiveness means standing up for yourself, maintaining your personal rights, and making your views heard and understood. It also means acknowledging the rights and feelings of others. Assertive behavior can be both physical (see Chapter 13) and vocal (see Chapter 6), and often, in the most effective cases, both dimensions are employed.

When it comes to safeguarding your space, your possessions, or even your own body, almost naturally you find yourself sitting or standing more erect. In essence, you’re conveying to others through your body posture that you mean to stand your ground. You then use your voice in a manner that’s honest and open to relate to others how you feel and what you need.

Developing or Exhibiting Effective Assertiveness Techniques

There are signs that tell you if you’re being effectively assertive (hereafter simply referred to as being assertive):

• You get more of what you want.
  
• While others may not agree with you, they tend to respect your position more often.
  
• You don’t feel as frustrated or irritated as you might otherwise feel.
  
• Situations that previously represented roadblocks no longer appear as such.

In general, more of your interpersonal communication and relationships go more smoothly more often than you previously might have thought possible. Why? Because you’re able to impart to people what you want or feel in a manner that is direct yet tactful, forceful yet not demanding, captivating, and perhaps even motivating.

Nature or Nurture?

Is assertiveness something that is inherent among people to a greater or lesser degree? It seems as if every human characteristic can be traced to a gene these days. In recent years, scientists have found genes for hostility, risk taking, obesity, and, still in the research stage, neuroticism, which one researcher has dubbed the “Woody Allen Gene.”

Perhaps you have a sister who, when younger, was ready to kick derriére at the drop of a hat, and a brother who would just as soon not rile anybody’s feathers. Undoubtedly, some people, either at birth or along the way, did receive some extra assertiveness coupons. Today, among others, they serve as:

• Sales representatives
  
• Police officers
  
• Lawyers
  
• Reporters
  
• Disc jockeys
  
• Politicians

And the list goes on, but not necessarily in that order!

The Meek Shall Inherit . . .

Even if you’ve always been the shy and retiring type, you can learn to be assertive—certainly more assertive than you have been in the past. And with the purchase of this book, your chances just improved dramatically.

Assertiveness is not dependent upon your size, weight, gender, ethnic origin, or any of that jazz. People of all sizes and shapes and from all walks of life are assertive (just as people of all sizes and shapes from all walks of life are not assertive).

While size, musculature, articulation, vocabulary, and being male all tend to increase the probability that one is assertive, none of these factors needs be present for a person to be assertive. What’s more, there are ways to be assertive without the benefit of these apparent natural advantages.

Assertiveness Has Gotten a Bad Rap

Within at least the last generation or so, people have associated assertiveness with other behaviors. For example, flying into a rage or treating others in a demeaning way is sometimes regarded as assertiveness. Yet, controlled or uncontrolled aggression is generally disruptive, not effective, and if anything, unassertive.

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 Just the Facts
Aggressors may appear to get their way, at least in the short run, but generally they fail to win long-term cooperation. Consider the world’s dictators and how often the people from their own countries rejoice once the dictators are deposed.

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Aggression, Grrr!

Aggressiveness often encompasses manipulation. Aggressive people use anger, guilt, and reproaches to get their way. The other party feels the manipulation. They may give in to it, but they don’t feel very good about it. However, when you encounter someone who uses assertive behavior, you don’t feel as if your rights or feelings are being tread upon. When you consider the hundreds of potential interactions you have with people all day long, it becomes easy to understand why assertive behavior is vital for balanced, healthy relationships.

Think of it this way—being assertive gets you what you’re seeking, or at least more of it more of the time. Being aggressive yields resignation or compliance at best, resistance and hostility at worst. With aggressiveness, you decrease rather than increase your chances for getting what you want.

Assertiveness Feels Good!

When you act aggressively, you actually lower your brain serotonin level; whereas when you act assertively, you increase your brain serotonin level. This results in that deep-down good feeling, what some people call the “warm fuzzies.”

Because there is a physiological effect in the brain following an action, you can literally determine whether you were assertive or aggressive largely based on the way you feel. If you feel good, chances are you were assertive. If you feel bad—angry, upset, stressed, or depleted—chances are you were aggressive. In plain English, aggressiveness, volatility, or hostility exacts a toll.

If you find yourself overreacting in some situations, you may be releasing adrenaline, responding as if you’re in a life-or-death situation. Your brain may be receiving external messages to respond with anger. Yet, if you’re able to postpone taking action for even a few moments, other parts of the brain can receive signals that enable you to respond in a more balanced, rational way.

When you encounter someone who is assertive, you don’t feel put down, manipulated, or dominated. If anything, you feel positive about the encounter, or at least neutral. Why? Because the respect that the other party has for you is evident.

There’s No Need to Nag

Nagging can be seen as a way to manipulate others by using guilt with repetition:

In each of these cases, the party making the statement is drawing on the emotions of another to accomplish something:

In contrast, by using assertiveness in the same situations, neither party feels overly emotional:

Why do people nag? Perhaps they saw a parent doing this as they grew up, or they fell into a pattern and simply don’t realize there are more effective ways to impart their wishes.

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 Handle with Care
Nagging, like aggression, may be effective in the short term, but it’s not efficient. If you have to ask somebody repeatedly to get something accomplished, you’re expending more energy than if you have to ask only once. Also, even if you get the other person to do what you want, you may do it in a way that alienates that person.

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There’s No Need to Be Offensive

People who haven’t learned the fundamentals of being assertive often end up being offensive. Offensive behaviors incorporate everything we’ve discussed so far, such as aggressiveness; nagging; manipulating emotions; drawing on guilt, anxiety, and shame; being overly vocal; appearing threatening; and, in general, acting “not nice.” Unfortunately, when it comes to human interaction, too often it’s an either/or situation. You’re either assertive or you aggravate, offend, or bore the other party in some way.

Assertiveness comes in handy, particularly with those with whom you’ll be dealing on a recurring basis. It’s one thing to let a poor customer service clerk have it when his or her company lets you down in some way. It’s quite another when you’re dealing with co-workers, spouses, and friends whom you will see again.

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 Word Power
To respond vociferously means to do so with gusto—a clue that you may have been regarded by another as aggressive, not assertive.

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While it’s sometimes difficult to know whether you have been assertive, it can also be hard to tell if you’ve offended someone. Fortunately, the clues you need to assess your effectiveness may be readily visible:

• Is the other party doing what you ask?
  
• Does he seem offended or angered?
  
• Is she responding vociferously rather than in normal tones at a normal amplitude?
  
• Does the conversation continue on an even keel rather than the other party clamming up?
  
• Does the level of cooperation increase following your request?
  
• Do you feel good about the interaction rather than experiencing an increase in stress somewhere within your body?
  
• Has the other person made an appropriate request in turn, usually following something that you’ve asked?
  
• Is it relatively easy to move on to other topics?

If you can answer yes to most of these questions, you’ve probably been assertive, not offensive.

Assertiveness Is Not the Opposite of Passivity

Because assertiveness has been misunderstood and perhaps incorrectly applied, some people (gasp!) go out of their way to actually avoid being assertive when the situation merits it. The passive person thinks, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” This kind of person may hope that:

• Things will go his way.
  
• Others will correctly interpret what she wants.
  
• He can get through a day without having to confront others.

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 Handle with Care
Don’t confuse passive behavior with passive-aggressive behavior, which involves cloaking one’s feelings while seeking ways to “get even.”

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This kind of approach to interpersonal encounters often leads to frustration and disappointment rather than actually having yourself heard, understood, and heeded. Passivity leads to stress and anxiety because those who display it don’t get their needs met.

A Different Animal: The Passive-Aggressive Type

Passive-aggressive individuals, like passive individuals, also prefer not to confront others—apparently never having learned assertive behavior. Yet, while they may not like what’s happening to them, they do intend to get even, another time, in another way.

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 Just the Facts
Passive-aggressive types may deal in back-stabbing, spreading rumors, or being silent at opportune moments. If you ask them what’s wrong, they’re likely to say “nothing,” because their real goal is not to resolve any potential conflict, but rather to inflict some sort of emotional pain or suffering upon you. They’re hoping that you’ll figure out what you’ve done wrong and not do it again in the future! Wow, and you thought life was tough enough to figure out as it is.

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The problem with the passive-aggressive person’s “lessons” is that you’re rarely able to determine what he wants you to do, and instead experience other confrontations with him.

Unfortunately, identifying passive-aggressive behavior is tough. Passive-aggressive types use a subtle form of sarcasm, reproaches, manipulation, and even sabotage. None of these tend to be overt because, after all, they can’t bear to confront you, so they stealthily put their “strategy” into place. Predictably, things seldom work out for the better.

Here is a summary of the behaviors we’ve covered thus far:

Assertiveness Versus Other Behaviors

Being Assertive Can Also Help Those Around You

Fortunately, you can identify someone who is aggressive, overly physical, nagging, offensive, or passive, and by being assertive, actually benefit the other party.

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 Make It So
When you communicate with others so as to draw them in and enlist their support, you’ve increased the probability of achieving what you were after.

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When you’re assertive, you stay in control. You draw on elements of effective interpersonal communication (the focus of most of this book), and you enable the other party to feel good about the encounter as well.

Think of assertiveness as having a goal that you’re trying to achieve and setting up the groundwork for its realization. If you put down or turn off the other person when he could have helped you more easily achieve the goal, then you’re engaging in self-defeating behavior.

Your assertiveness can help the other party in a variety of ways for a variety of reasons:

1. The way you communicate indicates that you respect the rights of the other party. Who doesn’t like, want, and deserve respect? Consider people that you like. Chances are they convey some measure of respect to you, virtually every time you encounter them. So it is with those who are assertive.
   
2. Being assertive gives the other person room to maneuver. If you ask something of me, even something I don’t expect or want to do, but you do it so that I feel good about your request, I have options. I can respond to you, perhaps handle your request, and not feel as if I’ve been collared. I don’t need to get defensive or confrontational. Indeed, in honoring your request, I may be able to complete a promise I originally made to you.
   
3. Assertive behavior provides a model for effective responsiveness. If you’ve approached me in a way that appropriately gets my attention, implores that I listen, and urges me to act, you’ve also given me a formula for being assertive myself. Since much of the behaviors that we exhibit come as a result of what we see in others, it’s advantageous to spend time around people who are assertive and pay attention to how they behave.
   
4. Being assertive is efficient. I find it ingratiating when somebody beats around the bush before making a request of me. You can see it coming from a country mile, and you almost want to say, “Out with it already.”
   

   The beating-around-the-bush method of making requests between intimate partners or friends can, on occasion, be amusing. On a habitual basis it comes across as, at best, being wishy-washy and, at worst, manipulative. The assertive communicator gets right to the heart of the matter without being coarse or abrasive.