Chapter 18
 Assertiveness for Other Special Circumstances

If your circumstances differ from those of the great masses of people around, often you may need to be a tad more assertive just to be even with the rest. Stereotypes do abound. Throughout the world, many people find themselves in a “second-class” citizens’ status amidst all the others in “mainstream” society. Such groups, along with the elderly and the young, among others, may need to be more assertive.

Speaking with an Accent

Suppose you’re foreign born and speak with an accent, or you have a first name or surname that’s unfamiliar to others or is hard to pronounce. You will likely experience situations where you need to be assertive to be heard and heeded on par with others.

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 Just the Facts
If you emigrate to another country and learn that country’s language, but speak with an accent, you may face some challenges to being assertive. The problem is acute for people who emigrate to America where English prevails. The problem is less severe in Europe where people are more inclined to speak multiple languages.

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If you live in the U.S. and speak English as a second language, depending on how fluent you are in English, you may have noticed on occasion that:

• Third-, fourth-, and fifth-generation Americans may not listen to you as closely.
  
• People may ignore you or serve you more slowly.
  
• Others are always telling you what to do.
  
• You find yourself reluctant to speak up, particularly in group situations.

If you speak with an accent, you’re less likely to be heard, understood, and heeded in the U.S. than, perhaps, in some other places. If this is the case with you, or for whatever reason you find that others do not readily understand or heed your words, the path of least resistance is relatively clear:

In other words, in addition to closely reading, absorbing, and putting into practice everything you’re learning in this book, it would also benefit you to engage in one or more of the next several options.

Accentuate the Positive

Your cultural heritage—no matter where you came from—is a wonderful part of who you are and a contributing factor to how you speak. However, you don’t want people to ignore or misunderstand you, especially in business dealings that can cost you money. If you’re very concerned about this, you may wish to reduce or eliminate your accent (even if you’re Southern, or from New York or Minnesota). There are several audiocassette, videocassette, and CD-ROM programs available to help you speak more clearly. That’s not to say you should conceal your roots or be in any way shy about your heritage. You merely want to be understood in conversation.

Find programs through your local library, or, if you happen to be close by, a college library. One program I saw in my local library apparently gives users most of what they need to communicate with confidence and sharpen their communication skills. The program is designed so that you can work at your own pace. One version comes on audiocassette and another comes with an interactive CD-ROM program with voice recognition. Hence, you can compare your voice with that of native speakers. Both versions include a workbook.

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 Make It So
A growing number of both municipal and college libraries today have extensive audiovisual resources. Go to the reference desk and inquire about any audiovisual aids related to English as a second language or to eliminating an accent.

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Take a public-speaking course through any of a number of adult education courses, at the YMCA, local community colleges, a Dale Carnegie course, and the various “open university” types of courses offered in most communities with a population above 100,000.

Slow down. If you speak deliberately and enunciate to the best of your ability, others have a better chance of understanding what you say and are more likely to be responsive.

Revel in Your Differences

For some people, no matter how hard they practice, some lingering trace will likely identify them as being from someplace else. That’s okay; consider it part of your charm. Lots of famous, successful people have maintained foreign accents, including:

• Comedian and musician Victor Borge, with his heavy Danish accent
  
• Actor Antonio Banderas, with his Spanish accent
  
• Action star and bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger, with his Austrian accent
  
• Action star Jean-Claude van Damme, with his Belgian accent
  
• Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, with his German accent

These people have all used their distinctive language pattern to their great advantage. As you learned in Chapter 13, differences, even impediments, can often be turned to one’s advantage.

Heed Communication Norms

Respect the norms of the culture in which you’re interacting. If you come from a culture in which people speak almost face to face, it’s important to understand that there are other cultures where everyone’s personal space is larger. In the U.S., for example, it starts at least 18 inches away from the body, and for some people, it’s as much as three feet.

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 Handle with Care
No matter how persuasive or influential you are otherwise, if you invade someone’s personal space, you won’t be regarded as assertive, you’ll be regarded as aggressive.

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If you speak in high-pitched tones or tend to raise your pitch when you’re excited or in a hurry, practice speaking in a lower pitch.

Hold your ground. Speak and interact with confidence. Maintain eye contact and employ all the earlier suggestions on self-confidence in Chapters 5 through 8. That alone will compensate for any potential assertiveness disadvantages due to a speech impediment or an accent.

Smile and maintain a sense of humor. In any culture, a smile is the universal indicator of friendliness and well-being. Researchers tell us that smiles originate in your brain, spread to your face, and then are transmitted to the other person.

I understand your reluctance to be assertive when you’re at a disadvantage because of language skills. Nevertheless, if you remain poised and stay in control, you can minimize apparent disadvantages and ultimately make yourself heard, understood, and heeded.

Assertiveness Challenges for the Elderly

In some cultures, the elderly are revered. In youth-fixated cultures, on the other hand, the elderly are all too often looked upon as unnecessary reminders of what everyone will one day become. In any culture, the elderly are inclined to move a little slower than others, walk slower, and perhaps talk slower.

In his book, Old Age is Not for Sissies, Art Linkletter says that old age, like every stage in life, has both its benefits and its detriments. It can be a highly rewarding time while presenting challenges unprecedented in one’s life.

Your Dignity Is Inextricable

It’s rare today to find a senior citizen who at one time or another hasn’t felt as if all eyes were staring at her, as she held up the line in the supermarket, the bank, or even the voting booth.

Through the first 17 chapters of this book I’ve emphasized the importance of self-confidence, vocal confidence, even posture. What do you do, however, when your voice is creaky, you walk with a cane, and you draw upon other inherent mental and physical attributes of younger days with difficulty? Maintain your dignity.

Although the example that follows is of a celebrity, consider the possible parallels with your own relatives or other elderly people that you know.

Kirk Douglas, at age 77, accepted an award for lifetime achievement at the Academy Awards presentations in 1996. What made the moment particularly memorable was that Mr. Douglas had suffered a massive stroke earlier that year. His motor skills were visibly diminished. Half of his face seemed frozen, inoperable. His mouth was contorted when he spoke, and some words were barely distinguishable.

Everyone who watched had sharp images of the swashbuckling Kirk Douglas from the film clips of him shown just moments before, juxtaposed with the sight of this contorted, if proud, figure before them. Yet, the image that will linger is Kirk Douglas’s dignity, which reverberated throughout the hall and across the airwaves.

Sure, you say, who wouldn’t buck up, summon their strength and energy, and show one-fifth of the world’s population their best face?

If you saw Kirk Douglas that night, however, you know that the dignity, the presence with which he asserted himself, despite his incapacity, could not be feigned.

Not in My Theater

Katharine Hepburn, 90 years old as this book goes to press, has had a long history of asserting herself when and where she deemed proper. I had the opportunity to see her some time ago at Kennedy Center. While in the midst of delivering her lines on stage, someone took a flash picture of her.

Miss Hepburn broke out of character and said to the perpetrator, “How rude! How utterly rude.” She then retreated to her position on stage, and became her character again. Katharine Hepburn was the master of her stage and of her dignity. Certainly no unauthorized photographer would “invade” her space like that again. She responded to the offending source and vigorously asserted her views. Then, she apparently moved past it, carrying no residue.

Some 20 years later, she is still known to handle reporters, interviewers, attendants, and service people with dignity so as to get what she wants, and to keep them on her side.

Here are some common denominators among the elderly I have observed who seem to maintain a well-developed sense of dignity. As a natural by-product of doing so, they also seem to maintain adequate levels of assertiveness. They:

• Enunciate their words as best they can.
  
• Speak slowly and distinctly if that’s what serves them best.
  
• Maintain the best posture they can.
  
• Look directly into the eyes of the other party.
  
• Listen attentively.
  
• Appreciate any help offered to them.
  
• Don’t move any faster than is comfortable for them.

With a Twinkle

Many elderly maintain what proverbially is regarded as a “twinkle in the eye.” It is a certain something about them that lets you know they have more to share if you ask them. It’s as if they’ve figured out some of the deep, dark secrets of life. And, having done so, they now proceed through life with an inner smile. I guess acquiring such wisdom is more than compensatory for having to move at a slower pace.

While they may encounter rudeness from younger people all around them, they seldom counter with reprimands. They take such incidences in stride, usually regarding them as trifling affairs in the overall span of things. When they need specific assistance they know how to ask for it:

• “Young man, would you be so kind as to help me with . . .”
  
• “Young lady, would you mind seeing if . . .”
  
• “Could I impose on you to . . .”
  
• “Would you do me the favor of . . .”

They pose such requests, in an upbeat manner that makes the other party feel good about handling the issue. Then, having received the assistance, they graciously thank their helper.

Assertiveness Challenges for the Young

The challenges that 17- to 25-year-olds face when it comes to being assertive often stem from elders who don’t give them attention or respect. The young hotshot at work who may have brilliant ideas is ignored by others who see him as an upstart.

A too-youthful appearance in an otherwise adult world can be a detriment of sorts. Others may discount your experience, wisdom, or capabilities.

Hey, So What If I’m Younger

Here are some guidelines in the workplace, in social situations, and in general, if you find yourself facing special challenges because of your age:

• Dress at the same level as others in your position.
  
• Support others when they speak by being an attentive listener.
  
• Rely more on face-to-face encounters rather than notes, memos, and e-mail.
  
• Forgive a lot.
  
• Closely observe the superstars and emulate their characteristics.
  
• Find a mentor (or two or three) who can give you tips on how to come across more powerfully.

The Extra Mile

When I worked as a management consultant in the late 1970s and 1980s in the Washington, D.C. area, I used to speak to local civic and professional groups at lunch and after work. Thereafter, when I spoke up in and around my own company, people noticed that I did so with far greater ease and professionalism.

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 Make It So
A tried-and-true, if painfully slow, way to win over others in the workplace, is by doing it one person at a time. Go to lunch with someone different each day, so you can get to know others in a more professionally intimate way. Then you won’t feel so out of it at the next group-wide meeting. Each person with whom you’ve had lunch will have his or her own more educated perceptions of you.

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The practice that I put in as a public speaker paid off in terms of my assertiveness in my own company. Even though no one had seen or known that I was speaking to groups on the side, the effects were clearly visible to them. My bosses must have noticed, because at one point my salary increased $10,500 in a 14-month period. And, in the five-year period between 1978 and 1983, overall, my salary increased by $31,750. I don’t relate this to boast, but rather offer it as a dramatic, attainable example of the dynamics at play when you go the extra mile, regardless of your age.

The Opportunity to Assert Yourself

If you want to grow as a person and minimize the “disadvantages” of youth, you have many options:

• Take a leadership position in a social organization, be it chair of the new member committee, programs and activities, or meeting registration or reception.
  
• Hang around with others who are more mature than you are (if they’ll let you).
  
• Volunteer to participate in an election campaign; you’re likely to be counted on based on your intelligence, energy, and creativity independent of your age.
  
• Join a debate club.
  
• Volunteer to take a role in a local play, particularly a role where you’ll have some significant speaking parts.
  
• Take a course on acting. Ronald Reagan did.
  
• Take a Dale Carnegie course or other public speaking course where you have an opportunity to engage in exercises that verbally stretch your interpersonal communication patterns.
  
• Join a professional society, such as the Society for Technical Communications, or any other group cited in Chapter 12. This helps in the workplace, at least.

Assertiveness Everywhere Else

Beyond the workplace and specific social situations, look for other opportunities where you can flex your “assertiveness muscle.” By that I mean take small steps forward by asserting yourself in situations where, perhaps, in the past you remained silent. For example, speak up if:

• Someone cuts in front of you in a line.
  
• A salesperson keeps you waiting unduly long.
  
• Some other adult makes a derogatory comment about youth in general when it has nothing to do with your particular behavior.

At 18 or so, I remember being somewhat slighted when it came to getting service at a department store. It seemed there was always some older man or woman, perhaps in their thirties or forties, whom salesclerks seemed to call on first, even if I had been at the counter first. On more than one occasion I found myself taking a half-step forward and saying, “Excuse me, but I was here first.” Often, that was enough to acknowledge and get my request fulfilled.

Assertiveness Challenges for the Vertically Challenged

In the early 1980s, songwriter and singer Randy Newman produced a hit song called “Short People.” Being six-foot-three and rather insensitive at the time to the obstacles that short people face in Western societies, I thought the song was funny. Apparently, many others did, too, because it became a hit.

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 Handle with Care
Imagine how you would feel if there was a hit song that played on radio stations over and over again, mocking some physical or mental impediment that you had. You wouldn’t enjoy it very much, and you certainly wouldn’t like the singer or songwriter.

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We all need to be more sensitive to impediments that others may experience, even if such impediments seem rather harmless to us.

Not Imaginary Disadvantages

The challenge that shorter men and women face in society is real. Studies show that all other things being equal, they are:

• Likely to earn less money than their taller counterparts
  
• Less likely to be promoted into positions of leadership
  
• Less likely to win elections

Often, short people face the same form of subtle, social discrimination faced by people who are, say, hard of hearing, physically challenged, or follically challenged (bald).

As I stated in Chapter 5, the winners in life learn to turn obstacles into advantages. When five-foot-three Muggsy Bogues lasts more than ten years in the NBA, wow, what isn’t possible?

Among the many things you can do to assert yourself in an often-insensitive society are the following:

• Develop your vocabulary. In his book, The Ten Seeds of Greatness, Denis Waitley says that a well-developed vocabulary is one of the predictors of success in business and in life.
  
• Dress well. A well-dressed man or woman, of any stature, is more readily noticed by others.
  
• Maintain dignity at all times. You don’t have to apologize for not being tall. Certainly you can wear shoes that give you an extra couple of inches in height, but you don’t need to appear taller, or wish to be taller.
  
• Focus on your strengths. If you have a great wit, or are particularly warm or charming, let these qualities shine through.
  
• Keep your cool. Don’t respond to putdowns, however subtle or open they may be.

Work It Out?

Some of the most well-developed bodybuilders in the world are short. Perhaps they are building their muscles as a compensatory mechanism. Indeed, most of the Mr. Universes and Mr. Olympias of the past 20 years have been under five-feet-eleven, some well under.

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 Handle with Care
You don’t need to defend something for which no defense is necessary. The putdown speaks for it self, and speaks volumes about the person making it.

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An imposing physical presence in itself can be a form of assertiveness. However, I don’t advocate that you go out and develop huge muscles. If you want to, go ahead, but it isn’t necessary. Rather, I’d suggest that you focus on characteristics and capabilities that have enabled you to achieve what you have achieved.

Assertiveness Challenges for the Horizontally Challenged

Fifty-eight million Americans are overweight. Obese people are at higher risk when it comes to heart disease and other circulatory and respiratory disorders. There is, however, conflicting data as to the long-term effect on health of being somewhat overweight, say in the 30- to 40-pound range.

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 Just the Facts
The number of overweight Americans has grown steadily over the past decade. One-third of people over age 20 tip the scales in the wrong direction, according to statistics in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

 

On average, adults weigh eight pounds more than they did a decade ago, reports Dr. Robert Kuczmarski and colleagues at the National Center for Health Statistics, Hyattsville, Maryland. “Comparisons . . . indicate dramatic increases in the prevalence of overweight people,” Kuczmarski said.

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Based on what’s currently known, you’ll live pretty close to what you would without the extra weight, as long as you don’t smoke, get some exercise, and eat a variety of foods including fruits and vegetables. When it comes to asserting yourself, much of the advice that I gave to the vertically challenged is applicable.

Grant Me the Serenity . . .

You can do something about your weight, whereas a short person can’t do much about his height. At the same time, you don’t need to proceed in life with an air of apology for your weight. You are who you are.

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 Handle with Care
Imagine if we started calling people whatever we wanted based on observable physical characteristics such as pock marks, warts, skin discolorations, and what have you. We would degenerate to a “Lord of the Flies” society, in which physical intimidation and force would prevail over civility and reason.

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Perhaps one of the reasons why you’re less assertive today than you might otherwise be stems from your childhood. Suppose you were heavy as a child. Children can be cruel to one another. A friend of mine, whom I’ll call John, told me that most of the names he heard in his youth have stayed with him in one form or another. In some way, they hold him back today. If that’s the case with you, perhaps it’s time to shake out the demons.

Please read the following list closely: Fatso, Butterball, Dough Boy, Porky Pig, Flabby, Fathead. Have you ever been called any of these names? Chances are you were. From the comic books’ Little Lotta to Bill Cosby’s Fat Albert, if you grew up heavy, you know that people had special names for you. As an adult, of course, you know that they were wrong to refer to you in such a manner. On some level you may still be restricted by such labels, however.

Put ’Em in Their Place

Contrary to the advice I dispensed for short people, if you are overweight, I think it’s appropriate to address putdowns. Just because you can possibly reduce your weight doesn’t open the door to others’ comments.

Any one of the following responses should be sufficient:

• “Keep your thoughts to yourself.”
  
• “Your statements are out of line.”
  
• “Who gave you the authority . . . ?”
  
• “I don’t want to hear that from you again.”
  
• “That’s uncalled for.”
  
• “Pardon me, that’s none of your concern.”

If responding in this manner is not for you, perhaps you can simply give a direct gaze at the offender so as to indicate, “You’re rude.”

The Ever-Worthy You

If you wear glasses, wear a hearing aid, or have some other physical, mental, or emotional challenge, this sometimes prompts in others an unwillingness to give you your due.

Self-worth is handed out at birth. You are worthy just for being you. You don’t have to apologize, explain, or meet somebody else’s expectations, unless you freely choose to.