Chapter 21
 Being Assertive at Work

In terms of practicing assertiveness skills, the workplace is a special arena. Never mind all that stuff you’ve seen on inane television shows and movies where executives spar with each other in grandiose ways. There’s enough real-life drama that you don’t have to draw upon the false images the media conveys.

In this chapter, I’ll explore the assertiveness issues that could make a difference in your job.

The Difference Between Progress or Failure

How, you ask, can assertiveness be a substitute for accomplishment, competence, and effort? Study after study shows that if you and a co-worker have similar education, training, and experience, and all other things about you are equal, the one who is effectively assertive will predictably rise faster in his or her career.

Suppose two managers are alike in every respect—they have the same background, education, training, aptitude, skills, and so on. You know what this is leading to. One has no problem being professionally assertive in the following areas:

• Airing his views
  
• Speaking up for himself
  

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   Make It So
  Given that you are a competent employee who dutifully executes the requirements of the job, the nature of your interpersonal communications at work—how assertive you are—largely defines your progress.

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• Defending his turf
  
• Persuading others
  
• Speaking up at company meetings
  
• Making his ideas known

The other manager is marginally effective in these areas. Who is more likely to rise faster and go further in his career? Okay, you say, this is a no-brainer. Anyone will say the first manager.

Door Number One or Door Number Two?

Now let’s complicate the issue a bit. Suppose that two managers are alike in most respects, but the first is not quite as sharp, and doesn’t quite have some of the technical knowledge possessed by the second manager, but is very good at expressing himself.

The second manager is very conscientious. He is a planner. Generally, he executes his tasks with precision. When it comes to expressing himself, however, there are some gaps in his ability. Sometimes he rambles on. Sometimes he’s not forthcoming with his views when the situation calls for it. Sometimes, to know what he’s thinking you practically have to pry it out of him. Nevertheless, he does a consistently good job and unquestionably is an asset to the organization.

Now, who’s likely to rise faster and further in his career? The answer isn’t so easy this time, is it? The odds remain that the first manager will rise faster even if he is lacking in some categories as compared to the second manager. Why? He has the ability to assert himself.

Much More than Schmooze

Before you start thinking, okay, well, the first manager has the gift of gab, he’s a schmoozer—he talks his way up the chain—think again. The professional who is able to assert himself as necessary enjoys significant advantages over his otherwise more talented counterparts who are unassertive. For example, the assertive professional can do the following:

• Adroitly express himself to others.
  
• Identify obstacles, hazards, and pitfalls of proceeding with a given plan.
  
• Better guard against requests of his time when he already is stretched to the max.
  
• Be more persuasive when influencing others to attain a desirable performance level.
  
• Establish alliances that can aid him in accomplishing his goals and the goals of others.

What might befall the more technically competent manager who is not as good at asserting himself? The following are all possibilities, although it’s not likely that any one manager would be confronted by all of them:

• He ends up taking on more work than he can comfortably handle because he lacks the ability to indicate to others when he’s overloaded.
  
• He may have trouble expressing frustrations over daily occurrences, how a project is going, and so on.
  
• He may not be as effective in supervising others. He may allow performance levels to slide because he is uneasy when it comes to verbally appraising others’ efforts.

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 Just the Facts
Until we can read each other’s minds, the otherwise talented but unassertive manager is more likely to be stuck in terms of his overall career progress. He’s more likely to stay at the same level longer than his more assertive counterparts. And, sadly, he’s more likely to be overlooked for raises and promotions.

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Test-Drive It

If you doubt that any of this is true and you work in a large office with lots of other career professionals, make a few observations. On a scale of one to ten (with “one” being highly unassertive, and “ten” being highly assertive) quickly and mentally rate who’s in the larger or corner offices within your organization.

If there’s only one corner office, who has it? If there are two, three, or four, who’s occupying them? Chances are, you’ll find assertive types occupying this prime real estate.

Why Wimps Get Passed Over

To be sure, there are absolutely brilliant, talented, highly accomplished, non-assertive career professionals. Someone like that may be seated in your chair right now. However, if you’re not able to convey a sense of importance and even enthusiasm about your accomplishments—not able to “toot your own horn,” even though what you’ve done may be a matter of record—hardly anyone will know what you’ve done.

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 Handle with Care
Recalling what you learned in earlier chapters about how all career professionals today are overloaded with too much information competing for their time and attention, you have to acknowledge the reality that even your own boss, on far too many occasions, may give little more than passing notice to your accomplishments.

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Not even your own boss is likely to grasp the magnitude of your achievement. How could this be? You were asked to do xyz and you did xyz. Doesn’t the performance speak for itself? Many times it does. Just as often, probably, the performance does not speak for itself. Perhaps:

• Others take it for granted.
  
• Others discount in their minds what you’ve done.
  
• Others don’t recognize the true significance of your deed.

Cool-Hand Luke

Let’s face it, sometimes you may not even understand the value of what you’ve accomplished, and, if that’s combined with an inability to assert yourself, you might as well be working in the basement of the building.

I had a young man help me create a macro on my computer that enabled me to instantly convert any file that I had on disk to any ASCII or generic text format. He called me over to show me how it worked. He seemed pleased to have finished the task, but otherwise showed no enthusiasm or excitement over accomplishing what certainly was a challenge. I was very excited about this newfound capability, and my enthusiasm washed over the room. Eventually he caught hold of it and began to show some signs of life himself.

I’m not equating enthusiasm and assertiveness. However, the young man’s inability to express himself in the situation I described merely portended his inability to express himself when he needed to speak up for himself, air his views, or ask for help.

Nose to the Grindstone Makes for a Very Sore Nose

The dedicated, hardworking professional in the typical office who consistently does the job day in and day out but otherwise is unassertive, unfortunately gets passed over when it comes to the goodies and the kudos of work and of life. Here’s an exercise to show you how this happens.

Draw up a list of the people in your office. Now go back to the list and put a star next to everyone who got a raise, got a promotion, got recognized, or was rewarded in some way recently such that others in the office including yourself have knowledge of it. For example:

After you’ve finished placing stars by the appropriate individuals’ names, review the list again. This time put an “A” at the end of the names of all individuals who on a purely personal and subjective scale you deem as being assertive:

When you’re through, look back at your list. What do you notice? Do most of the people with a star at the beginning of their name have an “A” at the end of their name? Is there one with simply a star or simply an A and not both? If there are, I’ll bet the number is small.

The conclusion? Raises and assertiveness appear to have some significant correlation.

Assert and Grow Rich

Given that you’re doing a good job, being assertive is probably the most important attribute you can have for getting pay raises.

When I was a full-time management consultant supervising a staff of eight, I had two young women on my team who had, in fact, nearly similar capabilities. However, one was assertive and one wasn’t. The assertive one came to me after a couple of months on the job and said flat out, “I’d like to talk to you about my salary.” I knew what was coming next and I also knew she would present a convincing argument.

She took the floor and waxed eloquently about how she had been doing consistently good work, sometimes putting in extra hours, helping others on the project, doing things she knew needed to be done that she wasn’t asked to do, and even anticipating challenges down the road. She talked about how others her age in competing firms were earning more and how she was actually more valuable to the firm since she first came to us months ago.

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 Just the Facts
What most people asking for a raise don’t understand is that the cost of replacing them can be inordinate. Depending on what you do and how well you do it, your organization may well prefer paying you 5, 10, or 15 percent more than you’re currently making to having to place an ad, interview more people, bring somebody on board, get them up to speed, and see if they can actually do the job. The smaller the company, the more costly it becomes to replace good staff.

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Her arguments were sound and I could see that she was determined. Still, I used an old manager’s trick of saying, “Okay, let me think about it and we’ll discuss it again in a little while.” She said fine and left.

In two weeks, when I hadn’t brought it up again, you can be sure that she did. This time she added to her pitch. She discussed how she was helping out other members of the project team and how she was requiring less and less supervision (both true), and how eventually she’d be able to assume more of the burden while maintaining her productivity.

I told her I’d have to discuss it with the big boss. She seemed to know that I was going to stall some more, so this time she pinned me down as to when we would get back together. She had a specific increase in mind. I said I’d do what I could.

We had the meeting and she ended up getting the raise she sought.

Asking for a Raise

By now, you’re probably drooling with anticipation. What exactly do you have to do to get a raise? What are the words, what are the gestures, how does the whole thing work? Actually, it’s not complicated at all.

The tactics and words used by my staff person as just described will work rather well. In somewhat chronological order, here’s how to assert yourself when it comes to asking for a raise:

1. Determine in advance how much you want. This has to be in line with other factors, such as the pay range for your position and the budget allocated to your department. If you can’t find these things out, try to determine what a reasonable percentage increase would be. For example, have others in your firm received 8 percent raises? Or is 4 percent a more predictable figure?
   
2. Ask your boss for an appointment, or if that’s too formal for your setting, at least reserve some time. Perhaps you can take him or her to lunch. In any case, you want it to be known in advance that you have something important to discuss. Don’t go into detail about why you want to meet—telling your boss you want to meet to discuss a raise would give him time to prepare his response.
   
3. Once you’re face to face and ready to talk, make sure that both of you are seated. If you’re standing, it’s too easy for the conversation to be curtailed. The boss might be called away, or you may feel uncomfortable standing your ground for so long. Besides, you’ll get more time with the boss if you’re seated.
   
4. Cut right to the chase. By now, your boss knows there’s something important on your mind. Let it out.
   
5. Use the classic irrefutable arguments: You’ve been doing very good work, you’re requiring less supervision, you’re anticipating challenges to be better prepared for them, you’re helping others on the team, you’re going the extra mile, you’re becoming more valuable to the organization, and so on. If it helps, bring up the parity issues. Other people with your experience, your education, or your age in similar positions in other organizations are earning x amount, and so forth.

   Your boss may pooh-pooh your arguments in person; nevertheless, your points will register. If you can, come equipped with specific facts—preferably on paper—to back up these assertions. Instead of just saying you require less supervision, show evidence of a project that you handled solo.

   
   
6. If you can get approval at this one meeting, wow, you’re a winner! It’s more likely that your boss will ask for a follow-up meeting. Agree to it.
   
7. In the interim, continue to work hard, but don’t bring up this issue.
   
8. When it’s time to meet again on this issue, have some new points ready to add on top of the old ones. For example, just last week you were able to accomplish xyz. Also, you took it upon yourself to straighten up the abc project, and you made a few extra calls to make sure that ghi. Emphasize all the little things you do that nobody tends to notice in addition to those things you do that are more apparent and visible. (For more on emphasizing your contributions, see the next chapter.)
   
9. If you encounter additional resistance, move to, “Okay then, by when?” Get your boss to commit. If she says “next quarter,” “by next June,” or by next anything, you’ve done well. Remember, in some cases, your boss truly is restricted as to what she can offer. Her budget may be fixed for the coming period.

   However, there is always some financial slack in an organization when it comes to rewarding and retaining superior performance. You have only to find out what the CEO of your organization is making, including bonuses, and it will be abundantly clear that your organization can find the extra couple dollars per hour or thousands per year you’re seeking.

   
   
10. Everything you’ve learned throughout this book about being assertive comes into play when seeking a raise. You need to be a good listener. You need to give the other person a chance to respond. You need to look her directly in the eye. You want to be professionally assertive but not overbearing or cantankerous. You want to end the conversation on a cheerful note and march proudly back out the door.

You Talk Too Much

I’m frequently asked if it’s possible to over-assert yourself. The answer is yes. Recall the oft-quoted line in Hamlet, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” By asking for something too vigorously or too aggressively, you can actually diminish your chances of accomplishing it.

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 Handle with Care
Overstating your case is an indication to others that you’re grappling with some other issue internally.

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If someone is constantly complaining, say about the weather, the reality is he probably isn’t so concerned with the weather as something else.

When you assert yourself, make sure that the time, place, and person are appropriate. It doesn’t matter how assertive you are if you ask someone to do something that he:

1. Can’t understand in 100 years of explanation
   
2. Has no capacity or authority for undertaking
   
3. Might be able to accomplish but doesn’t know where to begin

And Another Point . . .

Offer your points in sequence based on chronology, order of importance, or other useful criterion. Some communication experts tell you to present your best point first, and your other points in descending order of importance.

Other communication experts suggest that you present your points in ascending order; that is, start with the least important ones and work up to the most important one. In this manner, the last point that you make is your best and most important and the one most likely to be remembered by your audience.

In my opinion it doesn’t matter in what order you proceed—ascending, descending, or even offering your best point in the middle. More important is that you did a good job to begin with, you prepped your boss so that he or she knew that you were coming in to talk about something important, you reviewed the tips on assertiveness throughout this book, and you were your best self when you finally sat down and got around to talking about your value to the organization.

Buddy, Can You Spare a Job (at Executive’s Wages)?

Many of the same principles apply when you’re interviewing for a job. Joe Sabah, author of the popular book, How to Get the Job You Really Want and Get Employers to Call You, advises his readers to push for action during the first interview using his three-step formula:

1. Stop the Ping-Pong game by asking, “Is there anything else you’d like to know about me during our first interview?” Then stop and listen.
   
2. Summarize what’s gone on before. “I feel with my background, education, and experience I could do a great job for your organization and help us both accomplish our goals this year.”
   

   Having said such a statement, sit back and let the other party take the floor. They’ll have to either agree or disagree. Most of the time they’ll have to offer some form of agreement.

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    Make It So
   Whether your best point is first, in the middle, or last, what’s most important is the impact of the message that you impart to your boss. What impression did he or she receive? Did he get the notion that you’re serious about getting this raise? If you present your case as, “Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if I could get wxyz,” you’re not likely to get it. If you present your case as, “I intend to be at the next level of compensation next quarter,” you’ve increased your chances dramatically.

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3. Close the interview by asking, “By the way, Mr. Jones, I’m available right now. How soon would you like me to start?”

   Some people think this is aggressive, but it’s not—it’s merely being assertive, notes Sabah. Unfortunately, “Most applicants are too passive,” Sabah says. “They say something wishy-washy like I hope to hear from you soon, or it was really nice meeting you. This conveys a message to the interviewer: You’re a nice person. What it does not convey is that you’re ready, willing, and able to start on this job.”

   Sabah asserts that this closing technique works. He’s been a guest on 625 radio talk shows and counting. To procure all these guest spots, he always closes every interview with the show host or producer with these three tips!

Directness Has Its Place

Sabah’s advice is valuable for many reasons. He’s saying to get directly to the issue. Whether you’re interviewing for a job or asking for a raise, or asking to be transferred to another department, go ahead and say exactly what you mean.

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 Make It So
The less other people have to read your mind, the further and faster along you’ll get in your career. Conversely, if people have to read your mind (and who can do that?) to know what you want or what you’re thinking, you’re likely to go nowhere.

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Suppose you want to be transferred from the orders and processing division to the routing division. Instead of saying, “I hear that the routing division is doing some great things and it’s a pretty good place to be working these days,” try saying, “I’d like to be transferred to the routing division.”

Assertive Women in the Workplace

In Chapter 17, I discussed the special problems women have being assertive, especially in male-dominated circles. Can a woman be professionally assertive in the workplace on par with her male counterparts and get the same general results? Happily, increasingly the answer is yes.

Since women represent a large share of the workplace today and will continue to do so in the coming years, a growing structure and network of resources will continue to form, giving women the support they need at various points along their career paths.

Same-Sex Support

Researchers Pamela A. Geller and Stevan Hobfoll recently reported in Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, that “gender bias is clearly evident” in work-related settings. “When women act appropriately assertive at work,” they say, “they may actually alienate support.”

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 Handle with Care
Researchers found that if a woman’s assertiveness on the job is misread as aggressiveness, support may not be forthcoming from men or women.

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A woman should assert herself in the workplace when the situation calls for it, even if the men working with her ostracize her at first. Eventually they may change their behavior toward her when they realize she makes a valuable contribution and has valuable opinions. If she remains passive, she limits her opportunities to advance.

If you’re a woman, you may be upset that what you have to say may be interpreted by men as aggressiveness. Yet, women aren’t going to get anywhere by continuing to “play nice.” The dilemma is the long-standing cultural patterns that may be at play. The same action taken by a man and a woman often is perceived as aggressiveness in the woman and assertiveness in the man.

Evaluate your own reactions. For example, when your female supervisor calls you on the carpet for being late, do you react differently than when a male supervisor asks you why your report is late? If so, ask yourself why you have this different reaction.