Chapter 7

Quiet Influence Strength #4: Focused Conversations

“And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine.... Because I knew you, I have been changed for good”

Steven Schwartz, Composer, Wicked

Haley Kilpatrick was an introverted fifteen-year-old in Albany, Georgia, when she was compelled to turn her frustration into action. Having felt out-of-place as a middle-school student, she wanted to help her younger sister get through those tough years with fewer challenges. Her solution: starting a mentoring program that paired middle-school girls with high-school students who had survived and thrived.

After sharing and shaping her vision with her supportive mom, Haley approached her school principal to propose a program in which high-school girls would meet for one hour weekly with interested middle-school girls. Together, they would tackle the middle-school girls’ problems. Her principal agreed. When 80 percent of the middle school’s girls came to the first meeting, Haley knew she had struck a chord. “That fall day in 2002 changed everything.... In that moment I realized just how much these girls needed support and guidance.” Girl Talk was born.

Haley grew the organization during her remaining high-school years. After Cosmo Girl magazine reported on the successful program, hundreds of letters arrived from young women wanting to bring Girl Talk to their schools. Full of energy and a belief in her cause, Haley ran the growing nonprofit while also working and earning her undergraduate degree.

As Haley reflects back on those beginnings, she sees that she relied on quiet, focused conversations to promote Girl Talk. In one such session, she influenced a full-service marketing firm to donate a website and office space. Another conversation brought in philanthropist Ron Bell, who not only provided funding through his foundation but also become a trusted business mentor. One by one, Haley’s conversations resulted in many more people signing on to be part of Girl Talk’s success.

The program itself is successful precisely because it revolves around one-on-one and small group discussions that provide rich dialogue. By 2012, Girl Talk was active in forty-three states and had reached more than 40,000 girls. Of those middle-school girls who have participated in the program, 83 percent have chosen to go on to become Girl Talk leaders in high school. According to Girl Talk staff, studies have also demonstrated academic improvement among participants.

Haley is very clear about her talents: “My strengths are program development, writing, research, and product development—all of which require very little people time. I am also learning that the little bit of extrovert in me is eager to shine when furthering our mission.”

In an effort to extend the program’s reach in a way that uses her strengths, Haley wrote The Drama Years, a book that draws on the many conversations she has had. It offers advice for navigating the tough terrain of teenage life²⁷ Haley looks ahead to a Girl Talk future that could potentially impact millions of middle-school girls around the world with important messages about self-esteem and self-worth.

How have you used conversations to move others forward? For introverts like Haley Kilpatrick, influence comes in the form of focused conversations with one person at a time. Haley’s initial one-on-one discussions with her mom and high-school principal were just the beginning of her Quiet Influence strategy that continued to rely on face-to-face meetings. In fact, in Haley’s case, the very success of the program and her book revolve around the power of focused, small-group conversation. As Doug Conant, the introverted leader and former CEO of Campbell Soup Company, pronounces, “The action is in the interaction.”²⁸ Interpersonal interaction through focused conversations is where much of the work of influence gets done. These opportunities allow you to understand the views of others and express your own opinions so that you can influence people and situations in profound and lasting ways.

If you are especially introverted, you may be cringing already at the thought of initiating and participating in more conversations. Hang in there: it’s worth it. A focused conversation is not the same as the chitchat that drives you up the wall and out the door. Instead, these are dialogues with a specific point in which you combine listening and purposeful talking. Because you’ve invested in Taking Quiet Time, Preparation, Engaged Listening, and perhaps Writing and Thoughtful Use of Social Media, you have set yourself up to be a capable conversationalist. Each Quiet Influence strength helps you connect with other people—through building up your energy and confidence, through being there for them, or through sharing your ideas with others. The resulting connection feeds right into an effective conversation that in turn solidifies a relationship to use for influencing. In addition, you will often gain insight through a conversation that can feed back into Preparation or spill over into your Writing and Thoughtful Use of Social Media. All in all, the strength of Focused Conversations represents a point of convergence for all of the strengths, and as such, is often a critical part of a Quiet Influencer’s approach.

Focused Conversations and Influence

With Focused Conversations, once again, Quiet Influencers use their strengths to give rather than take on their way to influence. Putting Focused Conversations front and center increases your QIQ and your ability to influence. These interactions give you the opportunity to provide support and encouragement, spark learning, solve problems, and work through conflict.

1. Provide Support and Encouragement

Dale was a budding graphic designer enrolled in art school in Toronto, Canada. As the competition intensified among her talented classmates, she began having doubts about whether she should pursue the uncertain career path ahead. At a show where her work was being exhibited, Dale gathered the courage to approach José, a prominent and successful designer in town. Dale asked him to take a look at her work and provide her with an honest opinion. After spending some time looking at her drawings, he took Dale aside to talk. He told her that she was very talented and gave her specific steps to take her skill to the next level. Dale recalls, “He encouraged me not to abandon my dream.” She followed José’s advice and through perseverance her career blossomed. Even ten years later, Dale is extremely aware of the importance of this conversation. “Had I not had that conversation, I might have given up. His words made all the difference in my decision to keep pursuing my art.”

Many people share similar stories about a teacher, boss, parent, uncle, friend, or even a random stranger who encouraged them in a focused one-on-one encounter. This kind of individualized encouragement can have a deep and lasting impact, influencing the very direction of a person’s life. It is often the catalyst for provoking a new way of thinking and encouraging someone to move forward to take action.

2. Spark Learning

Gaining multiple perspectives through focused conversations also helps you to generate new ideas and clarify positions. Through give-and-take discussions, you glean information and insight that can help with the preparation and writing aspects of Quiet Influence. A conversation delivers a different kind of learning than pure listening: you can put ideas out there to test and develop in addition to absorbing the ideas and information others offer. Writer Cliff Kuong advises, “Just being around another creative person is vital to the process because so many ideas happen as a result of water-cooler chatter and passing contact.”²⁹

Quiet Influencers also use focused conversations to help others learn. Patrick, a plant manager in a nuclear facility, holds monthly meetings to which he invites several selected workers from each department. These low-key sessions are opportunities for people to air concerns, ask questions, and learn about new management initiatives from him and one another. The new insights that are shared between individuals in this informal manifestation of focused conversations also end up helping departments work more effectively together.

Quiet Influencers also structure more formal processes to spur learning through conversation. Sam is a well-respected manager in a fast-moving IT department. In order to stay on top of the latest changes in his area, he has created an innovative learning model based on focused conversations. He dubs it “Teach Me Something I Don’t Know,” and it has become a big hit. Each of his IT architects prepares a fifteen-minute presentation about a new technology, idea, or problem and delivers that presentation to Sam at a scheduled time. They discuss the topic from many angles. Both Sam and his employees report tremendous benefits from these lively sessions of mutual learning. It keeps them on their toes and Sam on top of the latest info in a rapidly changing field.

Sometimes, such learning can mean life or death. Elisha, the nurse whose story appeared at the beginning of chapter 6, uses direct, focused conversations to help parents of very ill children learn about the implications of missed appointments. Believing their children are strong, some parents resist medicine for their kids. They miss chemotherapy appointments—even though just one week of delay can lead to a child relapsing. In a focused conversation, Elisha listens to the parents’ perspective and concerns. She then presents the honest picture of potential death. She is firm and direct with them about the dire consequences of missing either medicine or treatments. In many cases, she has been able, through these discussions, to influence them to do the right thing and comply with the medical recommendations.

3. Solve Problems

The writer Sophia Dembling said, “I love having a really long, deep, navel-gazing, analytical conversation. I have one girlfriend I love talking to. Anytime we go anywhere, it will be time to say good-bye and we’ll sit in the parking lot for an hour finishing our conversation. We went away for a weekend once, and by the end of the weekend, I am not kidding, our jaws hurt!”

Thoughtful conversation allows you to meander down both linear and circular paths in order to explore problems from many different angles. Both the perspective gained and the opportunity to hear another person’s suggestions bring solutions into focus. These solutions can often open up significant opportunities for influence because they present an alternative to the status quo and instigate the next right action.

Take an example shared by Jake, the Quiet Influencer we met at the beginning of chapter 5. He recounted this story: “Last week I outlined a staffing plan based on a brainstorming session and sent it to a colleague for feedback. Then we talked about it. I made sure to ask questions about her perspective—not just whether she agreed with something I said or even what she thought about it, but also whether she felt confident in the decisions we were arriving at, what hesitations or questions were still on her mind, and if she felt our decisions might impact her other work. She provided clear answers.” Through this conversation, Jake and his colleague solved the problem of how to move forward, and Jake was able to greatly influence the next steps.

4. Work through Conflict

Quiet Influencers build on their natural tendency for deeper conversation to manage interpersonal conflict. They help others move forward by being intentional about these interactions. Barbara McFadden Allen, a nonprofit manager, describes her effective conflict resolution approach: “After a group meeting, I will often follow up with a phone call to the key decision-makers and preferably personally visit their office. I find that my thoughts are clearer, my arguments are more effective, and the opportunity to influence is more effective in that setting. And typically the individual I’m working with has surprisingly different positions or viewpoints from those they expressed (or from those I understood) in the meeting.”

Focused conversations can be particularly useful to work through conflict that simmers through email. Matt Underwood is the principal of a middle school that he describes as “email-centered.” To role model how to put email in its place, he consistently uses it only as a tool for distributing basic information, not for expressing his views, especially when sensitive issues are involved. Instead, he talks face to face when he has an unresolved problem. “There’s just so much that can be gained by being physically near a person that being at a keyboard and behind the screen does not convey.” Barbara Davis, a parent of one of Matt’s students, confirmed the impact of his focused conversations. “I never felt like he was distant. There are people you can talk to who feel sterile.... I never felt that way with Matt. Even through email he made me feel my concerns as a parent were important.”

How to Use Focused Conversations to Influence

Quiet Influencers make the most of their focused conversations by setting up spaces and times to talk, strengthening their case, and being authentic and flexible. Some Quiet Influencers shine in formal, planned conversations. Others are more comfortable in less structured environments. Some swear by face-to-face conversations, and others find the telephone just as effective. Many prefer one-on-one or small group discussions rather than large gatherings. With the tips that follow, you can increase your QIQ and get the most out of your conversations, no matter what they look like or where they take place.

1. Set Up Space and Times to Talk

Use your space Design or use your workspace to enhance conversations when you choose to have them. Keep your space neat and inviting. If yours is the only chair that isn’t full of files, you might be missing out on a chance to hold an important influencing conversation because you are not inviting people to sit and talk with you. If you work in a noisy or busy open space environment, you, like most introverts, may find it hard to focus on what someone is saying. Suggest the conversation be moved to a conference room or outdoors for a walk. When you know in advance that you want to engage, schedule a conference room.

Make time for face time In order to build relationships and influence others, Joyce Ramsey-Coleman, chief nursing officer at Children’s Health Care of Atlanta, makes a special effort to carve out face time with her nurses. “I try to remember what I know about a person and build from that or I ask about a specific patient or a general nursing question.”³⁰

John Maeda, the introverted head of the Rhode Island School of Design, learned that his multiple daily tweets and “cyber style leadership” were not the right approach. He rebounded from an 80 percent no-confidence vote from the faculty by getting out from behind his computer and spending time meeting with individuals. “He followed a piece of advice from his pal John Jay, Wieden+Kennedy’s executive creative director,” reported Fast Company magazine. “Posted on Maeda’s office wall is Jay’s ‘10 Lessons for Young Designers.’ No. 2 on the list: Life is visceral. Get off the computer and connect with real people.”³¹

Allow for serendipity Let your inspiration come from walking around and be open to the ideas that emerge from chance conversations. Casual conversations can lead to creative breakthroughs and conflict resolution, so, like John Maeda learned, don’t hole up in your office all of the time. Selah Abrams, an engineer you will learn more about in chapter 9, shares his insight about the power of chance meetings in this way: “My family is from New Orleans and the world comes to us, so we naturally love to watch people and learn from them, seeing how we’re the same and how we are different—you can read people like a good book, and if you engage them in conversation, you can learn even more....”

2. Strengthen Your Case

Wait to speak Take your time to listen and observe what is going on. Doing so can make your comments land with more impact. Find ways to ease into an active role in the interaction. Introvert Wesley Hopkins, RN, manages a cardiovascular unit. He explains, “It takes a moment for me to warm up and be a free communicator, but this extra time helps me to be a patient observer and not jump to errant conclusions.” In group settings, Ronnie Wilkins, a nonprofit executive, purposely refrains from speaking or dominating the discussion. After his initial silence, if he thinks the group is missing an important point, he then contributes. When he does, others are more likely to listen because his voice has not been dominating the room. Victoria, an introverted marketing manager, has a similar approach. She imagines herself as the great blue heron that swoops in when she has something important to say as opposed to one of many cackling geese that keep squawking away.

Use Repetition You may need to repeat a message multiple times in order to get it to stick. Jody Wirtz, the banking professional we first met in chapter 2, says, “As a source of influence, repetition is the key.... If I have two or three key thoughts or concepts, I will continually work those into conversations until I feel as if they have sunk in.”

Float your arguments Use focused conversations to bounce ideas off of people as you craft and shape your arguments in the preparation stage of influence. Finance professional Kristin said that she offered an idea to shift responsibilities from one manager to another. “I had a convincing argument that was well thought out,” she remembers. “Discussing it one on one with several of my colleagues and gaining their individual support was more effective than discussing it in front of the entire group at once.”

3. Be Authentic and Flexible

Tell stories Prepare stories and examples to make conversations come alive and bring the person or people you’re speaking with into the moment. Compelling stories strengthen the impact of your case because the ones you choose to share say as much about you as they do about the subject. Haley Kilpatrick told a story from a visit she made to a Girl Talk summer camp. “A reserved young girl who was consistently made fun of at school sat down at the lunch table. I watched as three girls introduced themselves and sat down next to her. By the end of the week, this shy girl was in the midst of all the fun—singing, dancing, and opening up about her experiences. She is now giving back as a counselor. It was great to witness how in just one week, Girl Talk helped build her self-esteem and show her that she is perfect just the way she is.” When Haley weaves stories like this into her conversations, she demonstrates the influence of her program in a very visceral manner.

Tune into others to determine when to talk Pick up on others’ “vibes” by observing their body language and listening to their words. Decide if they feel like talking or not; you will not be an effective influencer if you force a conversation on someone who is not in the mood to converse. Jason, an introverted lawyer, appreciates the administrative professional in his eighteen-person department for her ability to read people’s moods. Using this insight, she knows when—and when not to—talk. If you do decide to pursue a conversation, show people that you are tuning in by lowering or raising your voice to match the other person’s state of mind.

Use the same techniques to adjust your conversations with people you’ve not met before. Sam Horn, an author and “intrigue expert” has developed a particularly effective visual for assessing how your idea or content is being received. She calls it the “the eyebrow test.” Sam says, “Explain your idea, proposal, or request to the other person... using the exact same sixty-second opening you’ll use in the meeting. Then, watch her eyebrows. If her eyebrows are knit or furrowed, she’s puzzled. She didn’t get it. And if she didn’t get it, you won’t get it. Why? Because confused people don’t ask for clarification, and they don’t say yes to your idea. You want their eyebrows to go UP. That means they’re intrigued. They want to know more. That means you just got your idea or request in their mental door. If what you’re pitching gets their eyebrows up, good for you. That means, ‘Game’s on.’ If it doesn’t, back to the drawing board.”³²

Offer up information about yourself Share information about yourself so that the other person understands you better. Although talking about yourself may be uncomfortable, it will be worth it because you will be more likely to build the kind of connection that’s important to influence. The one-on-one or small-group scenario provides a safe backdrop for sharing, even if you tend to value privacy. Remember that not everyone will understand your hesitancy to share. Take the initiative to tell people why you aren’t always an open book. Girl Talk’s Haley Kilpatrick, for instance, is open with her staff about her introversion. “I have learned the importance of telling the people I work closely with that I am an introvert and explaining what that means. It helps them to better understand how I recharge and also helps me balance the amount of people time required for Girl Talk.”

Overuse of Focused Conversations

It’s hard to imagine how meaningful conversations could negatively impact your ability to influence. But if you ask introverts, most will tell you that too much of this type of communication can be utterly exhausting. Overuse of Focused Conversations can result in an invasion of privacy, confounded problems, group think, and the limitation of words.

1. Invasion of Privacy

The sharing of private or personal information that is sometimes expected in conversations can be especially troubling for introverts. You don’t want others to push you in this way, so watch that you don’t step into that space yourself. People won’t listen to you if they feel you are coming on too strong either emotionally or physically. In role-plays of networking conversations, one can see introverts literally backing away as more aggressive types move into their physical proximity. Likewise, incessant questions—even those posed in the spirit of support—can shut down dialogue. Many introverts respond to a barrage of questions with reactions like this: “I feel like I am on the witness stand. I can’t wait for the cross-examination to end.”

2. Confounded Problems

Talking through potential solutions in a Focused Conversation certainly can lead to great influencing results. However, you need to balance conversing with the opportunity to observe from the outside, review other significant inputs and data. The answer to a problem does not always come forth through interaction. Sometimes interaction can confuse situations and compound rather than solve problems.

Take this example of how one hotel staff should have conducted research rather than try to solve a problem through conversation. Nikhil, a frequent traveler, had no choice but to climb down twenty flights of stairs when the elevator in his hotel was out of service. He was under pressure to be on time for an appointment, and this situation caused him stress and discomfort. The next day during checkout, Nikhil requested an adjustment to his bill to compensate for the situation. The front desk staff person, who had not been on duty the previous day, peppered him with questions instead of researching the situation. Nikhil felt interrogated and unheard. He did not feel that the staff resolved the situation, and ultimately he decided not to return to the hotel even though it was in a convenient location for his ongoing business.

3. Group Think

Solving problems in a group can be frustrating at best—especially when well-meaning colleagues bring out the brainstorming option. Organizations often use brainstorming to generate ideas. If not well facilitated, however, brainstorming becomes a chance for the talkers to dominate and promote their ideas. Introverts who are reticent to speak up or need some time to tap into their reserve of ideas find little chance to contribute. The result: the loudest person’s point of view takes on artificial significance. Other people are pulled into the wake of this idea, and other points of view fall into the shadows. The result is a lopsided solution that is not reflective of all of the power in the room. Because such free-for-all brainstorming has become so common, this trend has been called the rise of Group Think. If you are not the one talking, your opportunity for influence diminishes. You would do better to try to steer the group away from the brainstorming “conversation” and toward a more balanced way at arriving at a solution.

4. The Limitations of Words

Sometimes words can fail you, and it is better to keep your mouth shut. In other chapters we have looked at the power of silence and writing down one’s thoughts before speaking. When wrestling with a conflict, trying to talk things out too much or explaining yourself repeatedly can be counterproductive and leave both parties talking in circles. People need time to absorb difficult news and often require time to be alone in order to process a difficult discussion. Too much conversation at these times can actually inflame a conflict.

Meg, a hospital social worker, coordinates services for the elderly. She received an angry phone call from an adult daughter of one of her patients. This daughter blamed Meg for going behind her back in arranging a rehabilitation placement for her mom. The fact was that Meg had tried to reach the daughter numerous times and did not receive a return phone call. She and the mom had reached a solution without the daughter’s input. Meg knew that this woman’s aggressive behavior was most likely driven by anxiety and concern and that any response she made would likely increase the tension. So she wisely kept her lips sealed to avoid inflaming an already stressful situation. When the daughter calmed down, she was able to plan for the next needed steps.

Your Next Steps

Focused Conversations, especially those you conduct face to face, represent the nexus of Quiet Influence. They build from the energy you generate from Taking Quiet Time, contribute to your Preparation, give you an unequaled opportunity for Engaged Listening, and inform your Writing and Thoughtful Use of Social Media. In addition, Focused Conversations work for both introverts and extroverts. When you initiate a conversation with extroverts, you’ll give them the chance they need to think out loud. As an introvert, you’ll appreciate that you can engage with people at a deeper level. Rest assured that this is a conversation strategy that will contribute to your ability to make a difference, challenge the status quo, and help others move forward.

To hone your ability to make the most of your Focused Conversations strength, begin by considering these five key points from the chapter:

1. Influence frequently comes in the form of Focused Conversations, often one person at a time.

2. Prepare questions ahead of time for more productive conversations.

3. Carve out opportunities for random encounters in your workplace.

4. After listening carefully, swoop in like a blue heron with one question or observation that commands attention.

5. Conversations can be exhausting. When you see that your energy is depleted, take a break.

Next, step away from conversations to consider these questions:

1. Reflect on a Focused Conversation with a manager or co-worker that moved you forward. How did the conversation help bring a solution into focus? What can you learn from that experience that you can take to other Focused Conversations?

2. What is the next type of email you could replace with a Focused Conversation, either in person or over the phone? If so, how will you initiate the conversation and what questions will you ask?

3. How you can learn from others in your next dialogue? Also think of a pivotal story or anecdote you can share to illustrate a central point related to your influencing challenge. How can you weave that into your next conversation to see how it plays?

If the chapters on Engaged Listening and Focused Conversations have pushed you out of your office and your comfort zone, don’t get discouraged. It gets easier with practice. Yes, although a lot of influence happens in the moment with people, much emerges through Writing, the next Quiet Influence strength we will explore.