CHAPTER   6   

Power Language

Verbal and Nonverbal Communication Tools to Skyrocket Your Success

Every year around the holiday season, I like to buy books for family and friends. Independent and chain stores alike tend to have a small display behind the checkout counter featuring a colorful arrangement of classic children’s books—usually ones, such as The Berenstain Bears, that I remember reading or having read to me. Inevitably, the bookseller at the register will ask me some variation of this question: “We’re collecting new-book donations for the city’s childhood literacy programs. A single book can be used to teach hundreds of kids to read. Can you help by donating one?”

Who wouldn’t want to help kids learn to read? For a moment, I think back to the days when I knew all the names of the Berenstain Bears, and then I realize that I’d like to help other kids learn their names, too. “Sure,” I told the clerk last time this happened, spotting the book on display I wanted to donate. “I’d like to give a copy of The Berenstain Bears Show Some Respect.” Not only did I perform a good deed, I was swayed by her rhetoric—that is, the art of persuasive speaking or writing. The clerk’s sales pitch, designed to appeal to my emotions and my generous book-buying mood, motivated me to say yes.

The connotations of rhetoric have changed in recent years to suggest that it is a pejorative form of discourse, as in, “empty political rhetoric.” But the original definition is “the art of persuasive speaking and writing, especially using figures of speech.” It’s about the entirety of your communication. Effective rhetoric involves verbal and nonverbal communication skills, which in turn dictate how persuasive you are by informing others of your intent—overtly and covertly, explicitly and implicitly.

LANGUAGE MISPERCEPTIONS

Contrary to popular belief, the word verbal does not mean “spoken”; rather, it means “utilizing words.” What you say and how you say it are often equally important. I’m going to repeat that—equally important. Let’s call it the “steak” (content) and the “sizzle” (delivery). Professional speakers—at least the good ones—learn quickly that their delivery will determine the degree to which the audience will pay attention, especially at the outset of their talk.

Albert Mehrabian, professor emeritus of psychology at UCLA, is often misquoted in the area of language research. While it’s true he tested the effects of such social interactions as cutting into a crowded line and determining whether a smile and/or a quick excuse would lead to greater acceptance of the transgression (both did), Mehrabian’s research became distorted over the years. It’s now characterized as proving that words simply don’t matter. Some of the misinformed even go as far as to use a fictitious statistic that suggests words are only 4 percent of the power of communication, with style counting for 96 percent.

That’s nonsense, and you know it.

An example of how words still matter can be found in a Wall Street Journal evaluation of real estate ads and their language effectiveness. When the ads mentioned “handyman’s special,” those homes sold at a 50 percent faster rate than average—and at a 30 percent lower price! Those ads that stated the home was in “move-in condition” sold 12 percent faster, “starter home” listings sold 9 percent faster, and those ads that described the homeowner as a “motivated seller” lowered the sale price but actually slowed the sale. When garages were mentioned, sales increased 9.8 percent; when fireplaces were included, sales climbed 6.8 percent. And if a lake was mentioned, the home sold 5.6 percent faster. Perhaps surprisingly, the words must sell had no impact on results.

SAVVY WORD CHOICES

It’s been said before by so many but bears repeating, especially in discussions about persuasion: Logic makes you think; emotion makes you act. Some words are more compelling than others because of their emotional heft. They create powerful mental images to which listeners can readily relate.

That’s why some of the best word choices evoke aspirational, emotional, and perilous concepts. In other words, they are terms that compliment and inspire; prompt an immediate response; and spell out potential consequences or risks, respectively. Consider the following:

• Our savviest customers; the company’s diverse suite of products; your compelling presentation.
• A sensitive situation; an urgent response; a feel-good solution.
• If we don’t act now, we might have to forfeit this opportunity; are you really willing to surrender to the competition?

Unpack your trunk of adjectives and punch up the power quotient. Instead of just saying the team has to make a decision, try describing it as a crucial decision, or perhaps a far-reaching decision, or a key decision. Describe another person’s perspective as enlightened, critical, or well-informed. And you’ll often see these words repeatedly used in advertising copy, because they repeatedly work: fast, easy, guaranteed, powerful, quick, inexpensive.

Remember that a strength overdone is a weakness. Judiciously used, well-chosen adjectives can work tremendously; overuse, on the other hand, leads to hyperbole.

Context Matters

As briefly alluded to in Chapter 5, people who believe they are receiving conflicting messages between what they hear and what they see will default to what they’re seeing. This is called “cognitive dissonance.” Thus, in order to achieve some profundity, you must understand and synthesize the importance and reach of both verbal and nonverbal messages. You can do so by choosing the right word for your intent and your audience.

Pop quiz: Do you know what these three words mean?

• Grueling
• Arduous
• Operose

They all mean essentially the same thing: “involving great labor.” You might use grueling casually at a bar or with your kids, arduous could be appropriate with learned friends at a formal dinner, and operose may best be reserved for use in a fictional piece or an academic setting (or maybe not at all). In other words, never dumb down your language, but choose it carefully.

Six Words That Will Always Make a Difference

When in the process of persuading, remember six powerful words that will force you to link a meaningful target benefit to your ask: “What this means to you is . . .” You can’t say it without saying something after it, of course. So when you start to focus on your justification points for why someone should take you up on your offer, liberally use this phrase as part of your rhetoric.

Say, for example, you sell guitars and you’re trying to explain to a potential customer why the Gibson line is superior to the less expensive Epiphone. “Epiphone guitars use a polyurethane finish that dries rock hard. Gibson guitars use a more expensive nitrocellulose finish that allows the wood to vibrate. What this means to you is that you’ll have that classic Gibson tone, which is immediately recognizable and one you can’t get with really any other instrument.”

And what this means to you is . . . you’ll hear yes more often.

HOW “FIGURE SKATING” RELATES TO PERSUASION

Another way to convincingly state your case is by relying on figures of speech. I call this practice “figure skating,” to emphasize that metaphor, simile, analogy, and chiasmus are significant verbal tools in your persuasion box—and that the act of using them can be elevated to an art form.

Metaphors

A metaphor is the use of one example to mean another, one that is not literally applicable. For example, the term escape velocity is the speed needed to break free of the Earth’s gravitational pull. Yet it also can describe the effort needed to leave behind old thinking and moribund habits: “We need to reevaluate our escape velocity.” Metaphors travel in the high-speed language lane, whisking you down the road much faster than merely using plain, bumper-to-bumper words does. (See how easy this is?)

Here are some more metaphors:

• That guy is the LeBron James of R&D. Put the ball in his hands and watch what happens next.
• The proposed region is the Siberia of markets: hard to reach, excessively regulated, and plagued by both an intolerable climate and poor communication. Why do we want to go there?
• Winning that account would give us license to print our own money.

Similes

A close cousin of the metaphor, the simile is a comparison using like or as to vividly compare two unlike things. Simile clichés include “cool as a cucumber,” “smart as a fox,” and “thin as a rail.” Avoid the clichés and try using similes to describe outcomes that persuade listeners to become more invested in your ask:

• The potential cash flow would be like Niagara Falls.
• He would be as poorly received as Miley Cyrus opening for Metallica.
• That promotional strategy is about as elegant as a pig wearing Armani.

Similes are used frequently (and often unconsciously) to convey subliminal persuasion, because what’s occurring is a subconscious agreement based on another (and often different) circumstance.

Think of the major professional or personal persuasion priorities you might face within the next three months, and then write down three relevant similes. If you want to convince your boss to boost the company website’s content marketing strategy, for example, consider saying this: “To not invest in video production right now would be like hurling ourselves in a time machine back to 1999.”

Analogies

Analogies are similar to metaphors and similes but are based on more realistic comparisons rather than improbable ones (like Miley Cyrus touring with Metallica). Common analogies include “a fish out of water,” “their relationship is beginning to thaw,” and “quiet as a mouse.”

Here are some business-applicable analogies:

• Selling our product is like playing shortstop in the Major Leagues—it looks easy until you try it.
• Entering that market would be like exploring a funhouse: Just when you think you’ve seen everything, the floor collapses.
• I don’t understand why people go on winery tours; do you watch cows grazing in a field because you like to eat burgers?

These primary figures of speech are just the beginning to finding creative, descriptive ways to convince your target with words. Next is a lesser-known literary device that is fun to use and works like a charm.

Chiasmi

A chiasmus is a verbal pattern in which the second half of a phrase is balanced against the first, with key elements being reversed. While you may not be familiar with the term, chances are you’ve encountered the format. One of the most famous came from John F. Kennedy: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Other renowned chiasmi? “I am stuck on Band-Aid brand ’cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me!” and “StarKist doesn’t want tunas with good taste. StarKist wants tunas that taste good.”

Think about these types of reversals to make your points:

• Do you want your money in the bank or the bank in your money?
• Do we want to face the competition now or have the competition in our face later?
• How can marketing keep spending money if there is no money to spend?

Even “The Golden Rule” is based on a chiasmus: Treat others as you would like others to treat you. (Although we know, in terms of persuasion, it’s a little off!)

Other powerful figures of speech can be used persuasively in business situations as well, including antitheses (It’s never too late, and it’s never too early) and paradoxes (You can save money by spending it). Figures of speech work well in persuasion because they allow you and your target to have fun with words. When that’s happening, it’s easier to get to yes.

WHY STORIES WORK

Storytelling is one of the oldest, most effective forms of human communication. Long before Twitter, Facebook, and even the printing press, humans informed and instructed others via stories. The tradition probably began some 3 million years ago with members of the species Australopithecus africanus making wild hand gestures while sitting around a tree. Communication then progressed to the first cave drawings, no doubt thanks to some braggart talking big about his latest saber-toothed tiger kill.

Since then, storytelling as a communication art form has stood the test of time. Why? Because it’s compelling. Just try listening to only half of Jim Croce’s “You Don’t Mess Around with Jim,” Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” or Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle.” It’s almost impossible. Even if you’ve heard those songs before, you still want to know how each story ends.

Stories also can be instrumental in helping you convince others—a colleague, a potential customer, or maybe even a complete stranger in an elevator. I call them “situational persuasion success stories.” These are pre-created retellings of how you previously helped improve someone’s condition in particular situations. This elevated skill set can yield tremendous results in your persuasion efforts and will accomplish five things. You will:

1. Create a nonthreatening way to share information. In many persuasion situations, your target can be on hyperalert, wanting to avoid feeling uninformed or ambushed. And if the conversation is focused on him, his personal defenses may be heightened. When you make your point with a story that does not involve the present individual, it’s much easier for your target to relax and focus on the discussion. Humorous stories, especially those that are self-deprecating, can help relieve tension and create common bonds.
2. Allow your target to insert herself into the role of your story’s main character. The best situational persuasion success stories are ones in which the main character is someone other than you or the target. Inserting yourself into the lead role could send the wrong message—suggesting that you are self-centered and your story is contrived. So don’t be the hero in every story; make the main character someone else, such as a friend or colleague, to whom your target can relate. “Been there, done that” is the best listener engagement you could ask for.
3. Make the discussion an effective one. Everyone enjoys a good story now and then, and situational persuasion success stories contain three subtle yet distinct objectives: to inform, educate, and persuade. When you inform someone, you make that person aware; when you educate, you bring about understanding; and when you persuade, you enable your target to embrace a particular point of view—yours.
4. Provide a “social proof” component. As one of my professional heroes, Robert Cialdini, author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, claims, “We follow the lead of similar others.” When we hear “all the kids are doing it,” that has a profound impact on us. Using situational persuasion success stories leverages this idea of social proof, and makes what you’re talking about even more convincing.
5. Break through the surrounding informational noise. In his book Data Smog: Surviving the Information Glut (San Francisco: Harper Edge), author David Shenk states that the average American in 1971 encountered 560 daily advertising messages. By 1997 (the year Data Smog was published), that number had swelled to more than 3,000 per day. And at the time of this writing, the Newspaper Association of America proclaimed that the average American was exposed to 3,000 advertising messages before breakfast. There’s a lot of noise out there; to cut through it and convince someone to listen to you, you must have a compelling story to tell.

THE FUNDAMENTALS OF FUNNY

The use of humor can denote an individual’s emotions, intelligence, sensitivities, communications skills, and maturity. It’s an anodyne for improving relationships and, thus, the potential for persuasion. Plus, when you display a great sense of humor it shows many positive facets of your personality. When you’re funny, you have:

1. Intelligence: Comedians are bright people. If you disregard the minority of stand-ups who use mindless obscenity in every sentence, you’ll find that most comics reveal the core of the human condition and how it relates to politics, sports, health, business, and just about every other aspect of life. Take The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart, who builds a fake news broadcast by satirizing the real events of the day. His overwhelming success with that kind of humor didn’t happen by accident; Stewart is one of the smartest, most well-read, and provocative comedians working today, which gives him an edge when influencing viewers to agree with his stance on issues ranging from war to equality. In fact, maybe the United States would be better off if he ran for national office instead of the politicians he pokes fun at on his show.
2. Positivity: Humor generally has an underlying optimism. The subject might be crisis or foolishness, but there’s hope at the other end because enough of us still exist to recognize and appreciate the irony. Think about it: The majority of humor derives from pain, mistakes, and unfortunate incidents. Comic expression is the attempt to alleviate that pain, embarrassment, or misfortune. Decades back, Jewish comedians such as Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, and Milton Berle encouraged their audiences at summer resorts in the Catskill Mountains to laugh at the prejudice they encountered in mainstream society. Great African-American comics like Richard Pryor and Chris Rock helped audiences feel comfortable cackling at the ridiculousness of racism. Female humorists have taken on sexism. Virtually no aspect of society is left untouched. Look to comics to express and expunge the pain of parenting (Jim Gaffigan), job loss (Louis C.K.), obesity (Ricky Gervais), and everyday life (Jerry Seinfeld).
3. Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and appreciate what someone else is experiencing because you’ve experienced it yourself (as opposed to “sympathy,” which is simply acknowledging another person’s hardships and feeling pity or sorrow for them). Humor brings people together to laugh at common foibles and groan over common miseries. Empathic people are among the most likable you’ll find. An audience laughing in unison at a humorous story comprises individuals who recognize their close proximity to others in the room.
4. Perspicacity: When you can make a witty observation about the complexities of your company’s gaining market share in Latin America, it shows you have keen insight and understanding of the nuanced challenges of the situation. Churchill once described Soviet Union foreign policy as “a puzzle inside a riddle wrapped in an enigma . . .” Not a knee-slapper, but certainly good for a chortle. As a matter of fact, I have shamelessly borrowed this line on many occasions to the same result. You should, too.
5. Creativity: As mentioned above, humor is an indication of high intelligence, and high intelligence drives creativity. Finding the right degree of irony, satire, self-disclosure, and nuance is not easy, and you don’t want humor to become irrational pounding, or irony to become bias.

STRATEGIC OBJECTIVES OF HUMOR

Humor must be used strategically, and when used wisely it can yield results that will make you smile. Now that you’re aware of the fundamentals of humor, here are a few things humor can accomplish:

• Aid in problem solving: Humor relieves some of the tension and tendency to assign blame. Instead, it places issues in perspective. People are more likely to consider facts and opinions in the absence of prejudice.
• Lower your stress level—and that of your persuasion target: Reducing stress in persuasive situations is invaluable, because stress inhibits talent, accentuates emotionalism over logic, and limits empathy. If both sides are stressed, both will likely be highly defensive, which isn’t exactly the royal road to effective communications. (For your consideration: The largest expense for organizations is absenteeism, the largest cause of absenteeism is illness, and the largest cause of illness is stress.)
• Make you and your ideas more attractive: Most healthy people like to laugh and are attracted to people who make them laugh. The more effectively you are able to draw people to you in a positive manner, the more open they will be to your ideas. That’s the basic math, and that’s why stern, dour, and humorless people sometimes repel others; their ideas don’t receive a sympathetic ear by default.

What Humor Can’t Do

All of that said, humor is not a guaranteed aphrodisiac. There are some cases in which humor will not help you much. For example, humor will not:

• Overcome polarized opinions: Bitter enemies will not be mollified by looking at each other’s foibles. Likewise, the Hatfields and McCoys were not about to be calmed down with some ironic banter or shrewd displays of sarcasm.
• Create value where none exists: If you don’t have a sound business case, value proposition, mission statement, beliefs set, or message, humor will not serve as a substitute. Someone running for public office will not be embraced and ultimately elected only because of a clever social media strategy.

• Enhance credibility: You’re not credible because you’re funny; you’re funny because you’re credible. (Note the chiasmus!) Bob Newhart and Jimmy Kimmel belong on a diverse list of comedians who are funny because we believe in and trust them. Other people who think they’re funny but aren’t engage in loud and profane behavior, are stuck on one issue, or perform tired gags, and we don’t like them. Nothing they can do will change that unless their acts become more credible.

     That’s why “open mike” nights at comedy clubs can be so punishing. We want Ricky Gervais to be funny to satisfy our belief in him, while strangers who simply claim to be funny virtually never receive the benefit of the doubt. (You’re funny? Okay, make me laugh!) The workplace equivalent of “open mike” night is “open mouth” time. The more credibility you have, the more likely your style of humor will be accepted, and the more likely it will help in your persuasion efforts.

Remember, there’s a time and a place for humor, and it’s not always when and where you think. Sometimes it’s just better to keep your mouth shut and let your body do the talking.

NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

Physical distance, eye contact, hand and feet positioning, facial expressions, and so forth, all speak more loudly than our mouths. What your body language communicates to your target, and what your target’s body language tells you, is the essence of nonverbal power. I call a message that your target sends to you a “nonverbal tell” (like in poker when someone has a tendency to, say, look at his watch before he bluffs). Likewise, a “nonverbal sell” is a message you send to your target. Recognizing nonverbal tells (NVT) and nonverbal sells (NVS) can be crucial to your persuasion success.

Nonverbal Tells

Following are the most common tells to watch for—plus how you can interpret them and what you might do in response. A word to the wise: It is useful to be aware of body language, but don’t try to monitor every tic, blink, and grimace. Simply use these tells to get a sense of your target’s prevailing winds, not an exact reading on his or her coordinates.

NVT #1: Solid eye contact. Your target walks into the meeting room, looking around and smiling, eyes wide and making eye contact with people. This guy knows why he’s there, and he’s ready for action.

Response: Don’t miss your opportunity to engage. When you see this sort of tell, mirror the behavior, and ask a question to get a peek into his hand. Two words with an up inflection often will do the trick: “Big day?” “Good week?” “Making progress?” You might be surprised by what you learn.

NVT #2: Averted eyes. Now, let’s suppose your target is the antithesis of the person above. Maybe he’s looking down at his shoes with no distinct facial expression, avoiding eye contact. This guy may think he’s entered enemy territory, or is having a bad day. Or perhaps it’s just his tendency to be a bit more reserved.

Response: Proceed carefully—not boisterously, not aggressively. Don’t engage in prolonged eye contact. A brief smile is enough. If you engage, do so with innocuous topics: “Some weather, huh?” (This question works if it’s good or bad.) And for heaven’s sake, don’t force this person to be more outgoing. (“Come on—turn that frown upside down!”) Although you can infer some things about a person’s disposition from body language, you really have no idea what’s going on . . . so give him some space.

NVT #3: Engaged smile. Smiling is perhaps one of the only universal signs in body language. Wherever you go on the planet, a warm smile is a positive sign.

Response: When your target smiles at you while you’re making a point or giving a presentation, reciprocate. Smile, acknowledge her interest, move your gaze to others, and then come back to your smiling target. Holding too long, or focusing too much on her engagement, could make you seem like a weird, desperate stalker who needs a friend as badly as Britney Spears needs another hit. As in most things, moderation is key.

NVT #4: Dissenting squint. You know the one. It’s often just the slight closing of the eyes, the furrowing of the brow. It’s almost a sure sign of disagreement. He may be disagreeing with the point you’re making, or disagreeing with something else going on in his head (such as the landscaping advice he got from the guy at the hardware store). The bigger the reaction, the more likely it is that he is present and doesn’t agree with you.

Response: Here you’ll want to bring your target into the conversation. Try a disarming comment followed by a question: “But I might not have all the information. What’s your take on the situation?”

NVT #5: Space-saving stance. If your target, while engaged in conversation with you, seems to be keeping her physical distance or even turning her torso away from you, she either doesn’t like your pitch or she’s bored.

Response: Tread lightly. This is a clear signal that now is not the right time to talk.

NVT #6: Watch glance. When your target looks at his watch, that’s about as clear a “tell” as you’re going to get. You’ve asked for the target’s time and attention, and now you’re not living up to your end of the bargain.

Response: Make your point and get to the ask—quickly. If that feels too rushed, buy some time with something like this: “How about I get a bit more information and circle back with you later this week. Does either Thursday or Friday work for you?”

NVT #7: Restless legs. Former FBI agent Joe Navarro, in his book What Every BODY Is Saying (New York: HarperCollins, 2008), writes that feet and legs are the most likely body parts to reveal a person’s true intentions. Targets who shift their feet consistently from the flat to the ready position, bounce their legs, or are literally sitting on the edge of their seats have a ton of energy.

Response: Use it! Consider suggesting marching orders, such as: “If you two need to go talk to someone in marketing, now is the time.” Or: “If you want to walk over to the R&D building to see the latest iteration of the product prototype, do it.” When your target has that much energy, harness it to nudge your request a bit further.

NVT #8: Eye roll. If you have a teenage daughter, you’re probably very familiar with this impossible-to-misinterpret tell. Difficult to miss, an eye roll definitely means the other person doesn’t agree with you or feels as if you’re giving her some sort of runaround.

Response: Handle this tell immediately, lest you allow the disagreement to fester and become entrenched. Say something like: “I’m sorry, do you not agree?” And you’ll find out very quickly what the other person’s sticking point is. If she has the chutzpah to roll her eyes in front of you, she will certainly have the gumption to tell you why she disagrees. And that, as Martha Stewart used to say, is a good thing!

Nonverbal Sells

Now that you can recognize and respond to nonverbal tells, let’s focus on nonverbal sells—ways your own body language is sending messages to targets.

NVS #1: Intentional greetings. When you shake a target’s hand, does your palm face the ground or the ceiling? Your answer to that question says a lot about your persuasion demeanor. Palm facing more downward signals you’re in charge of this conversation. Straight up and down, you consider yourself an equal. Palm facing upward, the other person is running the show.

Just make sure that you put something behind that shake. Find a balance between the limp shake and the water-pump or vice-like handshake. And never use the two-handed, now-I’m-going-to-healyou shake. You know the one I’m talking about. A friendly pat on your target’s back also conveys your authority. Just remember: Don’t hit hard and repeatedly as if you’re trying to help dislodge something from her throat.

NVS #2: Appropriate distance. Just like you can infer from your target’s distance from you, you communicate your interest with your distance from him. Understand the crucial role distance plays in persuasion. Stand or sit too far away from your target, and you’ll seem like a germaphobe. But get too close? Uncomfortable and weird. The best distance for you to make your pitch is at arm’s length.

NVS #3: Thoughtful eye contact. Make eye contact. Period. Recently, a Harvard University study suggested that eye contact can be intimidating for the other person. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. If you can’t look me in the eye, I can’t trust you. Now, you shouldn’t stare your target down like a Bengal tiger hunting for prey, but gazing at your shoes the whole time won’t work, either. Find a happy medium: Look at one eye for a while; then break naturally and look at the other eye. This will enable you to maintain powerful eye contact without appearing too intense or creepy.

NVS #4: Attentive demeanor. Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to have a conversation with someone, and that person keeps checking his cell phone? When you are involved in a persuasion conversation, don’t even pull your phone out of your pocket—unless you’re going to show photos of something pertaining to your pitch. (In fact, if I’m going to a meeting, I’ve been known to not even take my phone so I won’t be tempted.) You can check Facebook and find out what kind of sandwich your friend ate for lunch later.

NVS #5: Responsive bodily gestures. Listen with your body. If someone is sharing an intriguing or surprising story with you, show astonishment by widening your eyes, opening your mouth, or tilting your head. If, on the other hand, that person is telling you about a bad experience or something disappointing, grimace, sigh, and shake your head. This conveys empathy, friendliness, and trust much more than a blank stare or slight nod.

NVS #6: Considered posture. Research shows that the human brain gives a disproportionate amount of attention to wrists, palms, fingers, and hands. People respond well to hand movements, because if those 10 fingers aren’t visible, the thinking is, you have something to hide. So get your hands out of your pockets!

Additionally, Columbia University researchers have linked the way people sit or stand to higher levels of testosterone and lower levels of cortisol, enhancing feelings of power and tolerance for risk. These power poses nonverbally send the message to your target that you are powerful—and create chemical reactions in your body that actually make you feel more powerful. Such “power poses” include standing and leaning on one’s hands over a desk as well as sitting with one’s legs extended so the feet are on the edge of the desk and hands are behind the head—though you should probably save that one for the privacy of your own office and not, you know, in the office of a senior VP whom you’re meeting for the very first time.

NVS #7: Groomed appearance. Research shows that you should dress 10 percent better than your target if you want to improve the likelihood of hearing yes. I’m not sure how you would evaluate that sort of sartorial precision, but if you want to perform well, you should dress well. Notice, I said dress 10 percent better—not wear a tux on casual Friday.

One of the most important concepts of nonverbal communication combines your sells and your target’s tells; I call it behavioral reflection.

BEHAVIORAL REFLECTION

I still remember a classic cartoon in The New Yorker magazine that depicted a hiring manager and a job candidate sitting across a desk from each other, looking like mirror images. The hiring manager said, “I don’t know what it is about you, but I really like you!”

You look like me, and I like that about you. Behavioral reflection can create more agreement, faster. It’s imperative to mirror your target’s body language, but the key is subtlety. If your target knows he or she is being mimicked, your persuasion prospects are greatly diminished.

It’s dangerous to hire, befriend, or support only those people who resemble us, and that’s not the point. But making others feel comfortable by your actions is strong persuasion. That can be accomplished by “mimicking” (and I mean that in the best possible sense of the term; mimicking is not “mocking”) others’ own comfort zones.

The most obvious behavioral reflections include activities you probably already feature in your repertoire: Don’t remain seated if someone who is standing begins speaking with you. Smile if the other person smiles in greeting. Show proper facial expressions as the conversation develops. Don’t begin eating until everyone at the table has been served and your host begins to eat. Those should be fairly obvious (though in today’s educational environment and lax society, you can never be sure). But what about more subtle forms?

Look at the person speaking (there’s the eye contact, again) but don’t reveal any indication that you might be skeptical or feel exasperated. Don’t shift nervously, and do attempt to match the speaker’s own level of energy and excitement, or his low-key minimalist nature. This is not manipulative body language; rather it comforts, enhances communication, and strengthens your persuasion power.

Reflect on situations you expect to be in and the people you expect to join you. Rather than constantly interrupt someone who needs to “think out loud,” exhibit patience and make that person feel at ease with his own cognitive processes. Similarly, don’t demand that someone who doesn’t get excited join in your excitement. Moderate your tone and never insist on your own comfort. If people prefer to stand and converse, or chat over a meal, or sit in casual furniture, or walk about the property, join them. The more comfortable they are, the more likely they will be to listen to your case.

In new situations, take time to observe and evaluate the other person’s preferences. Mirror what you see. In ongoing situations, prepare accordingly for what you’ve experienced in the past. The key to the artistry of persuasion is flexibility—not some perfect style or behavioral predisposition. All of this is simple to understand but may require time and practice to perfect. Amazing things can happen when you adjust to environmental conditions in order to make your point.

Chapter 6 Persuasion Points

1. Verbal language involves words, both spoken and written. Master both forms.
2. What you say and how you say it—steak and sizzle—both matter.
3. Keep your language appropriate for the task, and audience, involved.
4. Use descriptive language.
5. Employ language “tricks,” such as metaphors, similes, analogies, and chiasmi, to accelerate acceptance and understanding.
6. Storytelling and humor, when used properly, can be two of the most highly effective persuasion tools.
7. Focus on the “nonverbal sells” and “nonverbal tells” in your interactions.
8. Reflect on how you can generate optimal comfort for those you are trying to persuade.