Quiz 7
How Assertive Am I?
Are you assertive? You might hasten to say, “Oh no, I’m a nice person.” But the two traits are not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to be hostile, abrasive, or bossy to be assertive. You just need to be able to set boundaries, to ask appropriately for what you need, and to say “no” when that is warranted.
A certain amount of assertiveness is essential if you are going to be effective in managing your commitments, maintaining control of your life, and managing stress. Have you got it? Take the following quiz and find out.
Take the Test
This test has two sections to it. First, for each of the following statements, indicate the number of the statement that corresponds to your level of agreement or disagreement:
1. Strongly disagree
2. Somewhat disagree
3. Feel neutral or are not sure
4. Somewhat agree
5. Strongly agree
When you complete this part, follow the directions for the next section, which will involve responding to some hypothetical scenarios:
1. I don’t mind asking a friend for a favor.
2. I strongly influence how my friends and I spend leisure time.
3. I’d be mortified if someone called me “pushy.”
4. I will ask for a raise if I feel I deserve it.
5. I take the lead in planning family vacations.
6. I will speak up if someone cuts in line ahead of me.
7. I know how to set limits with my kids.
8. I have trouble saying “no” to whatever my boss asks of me.
9. I would point out to my spouse or romantic partner if she hurt my feelings.
10. I’ll do anything to avoid a confrontation.
11. I can resist high-pressure sales pitches.
12. I relish a good political argument.
13. I’ll say “no” to my parents if they make unreasonable requests.
14. If I am getting poor customer service, I will ask for a supervisor.
15. I would send back restaurant food that was not what I ordered.
16. I would decline to do others’ work without credit or compensation.
17. I tend to say “sorry” when I feel I haven’t really done anything wrong.
18. I’m not intimidated by attractive members of the opposite sex.
19. I get embarrassed by compliments.
20. I will offer constructive criticism when warranted.
21. If I buy defective merchandise, I will return it.
22. I generally just go along to get along.
23. I pretend to agree with views I do not hold, just to keep the peace.
24. I get quiet around people who are loud.
25. People say I am funny or witty.
26. I give praise and compliments when they are deserved.
27. I’ve been the first to say “I love you” in a relationship.
28. If my spouse/partner agrees to do something and does not, I remind him.
29. If someone interrupts me when I’m speaking, I’ll just stop.
30. I’ll stick up for myself if unjustly criticized.
31. I could decline a request to lend money to a friend.
32. I am nervous around authority figures.
33. I would question a teacher or other expert who I thought was wrong.
34. I’ll point out if someone’s teasing is making me uncomfortable.
35. If an unfair policy were implemented at work, I would speak up.
36. If I see a more efficient way to do something at work, I will point it out.
37. I’d point out a mistake on a restaurant or hotel bill.
38. I only feel comfortable complaining in writing.
39. If a co-worker blames me for something I did not do, I will defend myself.
40. I’m thought of as opinionated.
Now, for the following five scenarios, indicate whether you would be most likely to respond to the situation with the behavior in option A, B, or C. Choose the action that most closely matches what you would do and say:
1. You’re about to take off on a cross-country flight. Someone asks you to switch seats with him so he can sit across the aisle from his spouse. This would put you in a middle seat for five hours, which you specifically tried to avoid by booking early. You …
a. Agree to switch, even though you deeply resent the inconvenience.
b. Politely decline, without overly explaining yourself or apologizing.
c. Refuse, saying, “You have some nerve. You should have thought about seating assignments ahead of time.”
2. A co-worker whom you know makes less money than you do asks you if she can borrow $20. She borrowed $20 from you almost a month ago and has never paid you back, and never mentioned that loan. You …
a. Sigh and cough up the cash, rationalizing that you can’t refuse if you make more money than she does.
b. Calmly explain that you will be unable to make her another loan.
c. Say, “You’ve got to be kidding! Where’s the money I already lent you? Did you conveniently ‘forget’?”
3. Your dentist’s receptionist calls and asks if you would mind coming in an hour later than planned for your appointment. This puts you at risk for being late to an important meeting later in the day. You …
a. Agree, hoping your whole day doesn’t go awry, because—after all—your dentist is a busy professional.
b. You say you have a conflict, and reschedule for another day.
c. Insist that the dentist see you on time, as planned, or lose you as a patient.
4. You are completing the purchase of a new HDTV. The salesperson is aggressively pushing what you consider to be a very expensive and unnecessary service plan. You are running short on time and just want to conclude the transaction and get your TV home. You …
a. Sign up for the plan.
b. Firmly decline the plan and ask for a manager if the salesperson persists.
c. Say, “I told you I don’t want your #@%* plan,” and storm out without completing the purchase.
5. You are sitting in a restaurant that has a no-smoking policy when someone lights up a cigar. You are very sensitive to smoke. You …
a. Hope someone says something.
b. Ask the server or restaurant manager to say something to the offender.
c. Walk over and stub out his cigar yourself.
Scoring and Explanation
To obtain the first part of your score, tally your points. But before doing so, be sure to reverse the score (5 = 1, 4 = 2, 3 = 3, 2 = 4, 1 = 5) for the following items: 3, 8, 10, 17, 19, 22, 23, 24, 29, 32, 38. Remember, in reversing the score, high numbers are traded for low and vice versa.
Unless you reverse the scores for the items listed—and only for the items listed—your result will be inaccurate. See the Introduction to this book for a full explanation of reverse scoring.
To obtain the second part of your score, give yourself 5 points for each “B” response, but no points for “A” or “C” responses.
Add the two parts of your score together to get your final result:
• A score of 175-225 indicates that you have a high degree of assertiveness. You are anything but a shrinking violet. You know what you need, have a strong sense of what is fair and unfair, and speak out accordingly. In most instances, this can serve you well. But if you are on the high end of the scale (over 200), do consider that it is also wise to pick your battles. You might not need to right every wrong with such gusto.
I encourage very high scorers to take a special look at your responses to the five scenarios in Part 2 of this assessment. If you answered “C” to more than one question (we’ll overlook a one-time press of a special “hot button”), you may well be crossing the line from assertiveness to aggression too often. The latter type of behavior can be self-destructive. It goes beyond the socially appropriate expression of feelings to belligerent words and actions that may provoke equally intense—and possibly escalating—responses. Studies also show that aggressive people are at greater risk for stress-related illnesses such as hypertension and heart disease. A simple strategy such as breathing deeply before you respond to a provocation can be a start to changing what has become a habitual overreaction to frustration.
• A score of 130-174 indicates that you are moderately assertive. You are willing to stand up for yourself in some situations, but hold back in others. Notice where your lowest score responses lie and see whether you can identify a pattern. Perhaps you are less apt to speak up for yourself in work situations than you are in your relationship, or vice versa. If there is a particular circumstance in which you are continually being taken advantage of, see if you can gradually begin to articulate your needs in a way that can be heard and understood.
• A score of 129 or below suggests that you are reluctant to assert yourself. You could likely benefit from being more forceful and from saying “no” more often. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and you are not squeaking. Create some rules for yourself (“I do not make loans to friends” or “I do not work on weekends”) and practice saying those rules aloud.
Be advised that when you start to be more assertive, you will encounter resistance in others who have known you for some time. Certain that they can prevail, they will only step up their efforts to control you. You will need to stick to your new behavior (though it may feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar for some time) until they realize you are serious about change.
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