Quiz 23
Do I Fight Fair?
All couples disagree now and then. You and your partner might have some differing goals or differing ideas about how to reach those goals. Or you might have legitimate gripes abut how you’re being treated. Or you might just be in a cranky mood. None of these are reason to throw in the towel. There is no such thing as a conflict-free relationship—at least, not if it is a close and genuine relationship.
It’s not a question of “if” but rather of “how” you fight that determines whether or not your relationship can withstand the occasional argument. The following quiz will help you assess whether or not you fight fair, or hit below the proverbial belt.
Take the Test
Circle all of those that apply to you:
When I argue with my partner, I am likely to …
1. Reply to an accusation with a counteraccusation.
2. Bring up past problems and conflicts.
3. Shout.
4. Call him names.
5. Swear.
6. Cry.
7. Storm out in the middle of a quarrel.
8. Threaten to leave the relationship.
9. Criticize her parents, siblings, or friends when the argument is not primarily about her.
10. Begin sentences with “you.”
11. Clam up in midargument and refuse to say more.
12. Fight in public.
13. Argue in front of the kids.
14. Fight about the same things over and over.
15. Give him the silent treatment afterward.
Scoring and Explanation
Simply count the number of items you circled:
• If you circled none of the above—and you’re being scrupulously honest—then you are a paragon, a virtual Mohandas Gandhi of relationship-fighting. You either instinctively understand, or have learned over time, that voicing a difference of opinion does not require being provocative, disrespectful, or histrionic. Assuming you are expressing your needs appropriately—as opposed to stifling any discontent you feel—your relationship will benefit from your ability to keep a cool head.
• If you circled one or two items, you’re a pretty fair fighter overall. Look at the one or two items you circled and see if you can moderate your behavior in these areas. If you are able to accomplish this, your partner will hear your point of view even more clearly, because she will not have to be in the defensive.
• If you circled between three and five items, you need to work on your temper and your impulsivity during arguments. No fair saying that your partner “stirs you up.” You have to take responsibility for your own tactics. Only by changing the way you respond within the context of a relationship can you change the dynamics of that relationship.
• If you circled more than five items, hold on to your seat belt—it’s going to be a bumpy relationship (and very possibly a disintegrating one) until and unless you get a handle on how you react during conflict.
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