In This Chapter

Achiever/Winners want to excel, come in first, and be rewarded for what they accomplish. Always focused on success, the word failure doesn’t exist for 3s. Image and the right impression are fundamental and essential. Ever-focused on goals and action, 3s produce results.

3s are the Achievers, doing whatever it takes to accomplish, win, and cross the finish line first. Whether it’s reporting to work at 7 A.M., having the right connections, or looking the part, the 3 will make sure to accomplish the task. Nothing blocks the goal. Obstacles? You’ll overcome them—and your speed and efficiency accelerate the process. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to work, with you being recognized for the win.

3s stand out as the models of success. Whatever the family or culture deems worthy of success, 3s are there to accomplish. You’ll become a doctor, even if it isn’t exactly who you are, because it feels great being admired and reaping the rewards of what is worthy and desired by others. Your worth is what you do, not who you are, though ideally they mesh. Being who you are is secondary to the symbols of success, the money, and the recognition of being the best.

3s are the family heroes, the rags to riches story models, and the stars we admire. 3s are motivated by the dream. In one culture, it’s material success; in another it’s the equivalent of the Olympic gold medal, the tribal head or shaman, or the president of the student council. Image becomes as important as reality. Your goals are measured by outcomes—the roles, the trophy, the degree. You want people to desire to be like you.

3s will finish the task; people can count on that and also benefit from the 3’s efforts. If someone invents a new electronic device, 3s will multiply it so that everyone has one. You’ll produce it, market it, sell it, and, of course, reap a reward in the process. The free enterprise system is a perfect fit for 3s. May the best man or woman win! Whoever makes the most widgets in the least amount of time earns the bonus!

3s help others feel successful, too. You work hard, are self-starters, and need no extra motivation beyond the goal. If there’s a reward and it looks good, the job’s done. Whether it’s painting the house, providing the best for your families, bringing home the bacon, or being publicly recognized for a great community project, 3s are committed 100 percent.

3s are positive in thought and deed, have a can-do attitude, and overcome obstacles. Secondary concerns don’t sidetrack you. You can target several goals at once and keep everything in order. You see how one goal benefits another. Instead of wasting time thinking, processing, brainstorming, or becoming overwhelmed by too many options, you plunge right in. Efficiency and speed are your trademarks. The success drive keeps your priorities straight. In a nutshell, positive traits of 3s include …

When developed, you help others with their goals, inspiring and encouraging them to win their successes. You don’t focus on failure. From your viewpoint, anything can be won, if you work hard enough and keep the goal in the forefront. Never short of goals, your can-do spirit inspires.

Spirituality for 3s is in the positive focus on life, the awareness to use your inner resources and the world’s outer resources to make things happen. Spirit is experienced more as the energy to do and change the world—amplifying your God-given talents. If a spiritual or religious focus helps in accomplishing a goal, that’s great.

3s can make full use of what is good in the world and refuse to believe anything is hopeless. Many 3s support worthy causes. As 3s develop, you tend to choose to use your resources to develop your inner life—for philanthropy, the arts, or spiritual pursuits. Inspirational and charismatic, 3s are often motivational speakers. Spirit is experienced as the fire that makes things happen.

In the drive for success and the shortcuts taken to get there, 3s might step on a few backs, forget to stop to smell the roses, and might not attune to relationship needs or others’ sensitivities. Fast cars look and feel good, but fast drivers may lose touch with reality and forget some of the necessary rules and regulations of the road. You can deceive others and also yourself in your shortcuts for success.

3s identify with role, image, and appearance. What is seen is not necessarily what is. 3s promise a lot and often deliver, but might miss the bugs in the program. 3s are not always detail-oriented, leaving that for others who can slow down the process for quality control. 3s sometimes go for the quick win and do not check out the whole program. As one 3 professes, you sell the sizzle, not the steak!

The drive to win can replace integrity, thoroughness, and concern about consequences to others. A used-car salesman might have no qualms about selling a car to a poor person for a higher price than to his rich buddy! 3s are seen on late night infomercials, hawking get-rich-quick or get-gorgeous-now schemes, once in a lifetime real estate opportunities, marketing solutions for your small business, diet pills, exercise machines, beauty products, and motivational tapes. Is the real Wizard of Oz smiling behind the curtain? Keep a moral focus and separate the real from the fake.

Impatient, 3s hate interruptions and may prioritize goals over people. Competitive more than cooperative, your single-minded focus can cause some folks to avoid you, knowing they are product rather than an integral part of your life. It’s sometimes hard for others to be close to you, knowing that you measure friends according to how they mesh with your goals. Someone who is not a good fit is really just a drag on your fishing net.

3s avoid feelings that interfere with success. That covers quite a bit of territory. Sadness, fear, anger, guilt, compassion, love, and needs slow down the process. “I’ll deal with those when the job is done,” thinks the 3. Years pass and the job is never done. Too late to relate!

Processing feelings and long discussions of upsets and differences is not where 3s want to go. It wastes time and not much is accomplished, is what 3s think. But there is a price to be paid: healthy needs for interdependence, the need for listening and attending, sharing time, and relaxation are sacrificed for The Goal. This means that others must deal with 3s’ unprocessed feelings. Shame and rejection are failure’s companions for the 3, so 3s must avoid failure at all costs. Focusing on an immediate win, however, could hurt in the long run—with regard to relationship difficulties, problems surfacing later, and ethical concerns that can arise. Short term gain or long term loss?

3s’ esteem is on the line all the time. Sales figures have to improve over last year, production must exceed goals, you have to look good. The pressure is on. You are not okay unless you succeed, even if others would rather have you and your time than money or symbols of success.

Worst traits of 3s include these foibles:

The Stress type of 3 is 9, the Peacemaker/Accommodator. 3s eventually burn out. The pressure is just too much. 3s move to 9 when life is too stressful and start working on secondary goals. Clean the kitchen, cut the lawn, but don’t deal with important priorities. 3s can take on a feeling of failure and experience low esteem when unsuccessful, instead of using the experience as a learning situation.

3s can go hopeless like 9s at times, and not see success and failure as normal ebbs and flows in life. 3s can crash and avoid real living. You kick back, like 9, instead of going to the healthy part of 9 and just taking an appropriate break. The positive side of moving to 9 is learning to relax and having a healthy balance of fun and play and work. There are many ways to be successful, other than material success—hobbies, interests, enjoying life, and good relationships.

If you’re a 3, you’re a great decision maker. You know your priorities and want to cut out extraneous garbage. You decide toward action, yet sometimes move too fast. On occasion it’s best to process a bit or experiment with temporary solutions and get feedback, before making final decisions. Don’t make up your mind too quickly.

You can do quick turnarounds when the goal gets off track or is not working according to plan. Get some feedback from others and slow down enough to plan or get some reinforcements to help the project. Others’ opinions can make a difference and, in the long run, create a better outcome. Sometimes the tortoise gets there faster than the hare!

Many people try to imitate 3s, the type most imitated in the United States. Many businesses demand a 3 focus: bottom-line results or you’re gone. Many people try to be 3s at work but once they get home, they relax and revert to their own type. That’s the difference: the real 3s are always 3s.

3s project a winning image and the look depends on the people you are trying to impress. What will accomplish the job? What kind of attire? Who’s the target person to sell? An Image type, 3s will don the image and action to make that positive impression. First impressions are second nature to 3s! Other clues to spotting the 3:

Results-oriented, you’re irritated by too much theory, irrelevant personal stories, and excuses. You like to set the goal and have clear-cut guidelines. You like to be in charge of the conversation or will adapt quickly to the goals of the group. You soon become the star, if possible, talk about your accomplishments to impress and sell, and you can motivate a team. It’s difficult for you to deal with individuals and teams that have unclear goals. It’s even worse if you have to be a member of such a team. Other verbal cues that show you’re a 3 include …

A developed 3 is a paragon of risk-taking and success and can do what is right, no matter what the obstacles. You are committed to the success of any project and put your blood, sweat, and tears into good causes and outcomes. You remain positive, though you can address problems, feelings, differences, and conflict. You can both lead and be part of a team. While enjoying material success and admiration, you also see relationship success as important. Developed 3s don’t have to win at everything and can be learners, relax, and have fun. That’s what to aim for, if you are a 3.

Most 3s prioritize and fantasize about success in ways that limit growth, with too much concern about looking good. Concern for winning dominates other important needs for enjoyment and finding a balance between work, play, and other interests. 3s can struggle to enjoy others’ wins. 3s grow by supporting others’ successes, being part of the team, and seeing failure as a learning process and not a reflection of self-worth.

Undeveloped 3s compete at all costs. Winning becomes more important than relationships. Deceit, dishonesty, and image-making can lead to conning and short cuts. Insecurity is hidden behind impressions, competition at all costs, and unconcern for underdogs. The undeveloped 3s need to be on top and look good, while others see through the appearance and turn away from this narcissism.

3s are the star children who aim to be the best at whatever they decide to be. Whether to please the parents or get adulation from teachers or peers, 3 kids aim for the top positions of value: the spelling-bee champion, president of the class, the budding tennis star, the champion. They long to be at the top echelon and feel less if they can’t make it.

3 kids are well-placed in school yearbooks. They want admiration and can feel stressed if they can’t get it or lose to an opponent. They either groom for success while generally enjoying the competition or, to please the parent, feel pressured to perform and never reach any real comfort or sustained satisfaction from winning. These kids always have to win one more time and miss out on opportunities for hobbies, lessons, or goals that are more about development and fun.

3 kids pick areas in which they excel and avoid showing the learning process mistakes. They hide their insecurities and have to look good all the time, imagining people might see their flaws. Outside validation is essential, even though others look to them as models. There is confusion between “Am I pleasing me or them?”

Type 3 parents need to be careful not to groom every child for success or express disapproval if the child is not successful in every endeavor. Motivate as much toward honesty, kindness, fun, and many different forms of creativity. Learn from the type strengths of your child. There are many forms of success, and it’s not always grades, awards, or excelling in some major way. Encourage 3s to play, show acceptance, and allow 3 children to spend some time in the middle of the pack, learning from others. Type 3 children need to know they are loved separate from their performances and stardom. At least as an option, encourage hobbies and interests that are not centered on winning. Excelling is great, but back off on pressuring your children to perform and showing disapproval if they don’t make the grade. Encourage a focus on developing relationships, attunement to feelings, and relaxation. Find many ways to validate your 3 child, other than competition and winning.

You think about success in all its forms. You are the model for achievement and you pressure yourself to live up to your fantasies of accomplishment and reward. You think of roaring crowds, admiration, and symbols that acknowledge your worth. Whatever you sell, it could be more—gold to platinum! Among the other things 3s think about are the following:

What 3 adults wish they could say:

3s can see relationships as a means to an end, namely, personal success. As a result, you may miss out on the value of relationships for their own sake. Relationship needs, particularly others’ needs, can slow down productivity, point out your inadequacies, and seem exhausting. You can imitate appropriate feelings but sometimes you aren’t sure what you really feel or what you want to say:

3s want to know, “How do I accomplish feelings, empathy, and relationship success?” You have a hard time understanding being, just listening, allowing an answer to come, letting something unfold and not rushing the process. 3s like to move it along and solve a problem. Allowing discomfort is difficult, feeling incompetent is worse. It’s all about how competent you are or are perceived to be. You become irritated if you aren’t good at something. “Why are you putting me in this position?” the 3 asks.

3s generally are good at providing money and material possessions in a relationship, but are lacking in the areas of spending enough time together (you’re out making money or succeeding), listening, sharing nongoal activities, and just being with others. You want a goal in whatever you do. Even on vacations, it’s a goal—time your mountain climb with a stopwatch, visit five museums in a day, eat at the best restaurant, do the symbols of success. You need to listen to what you really want and, of course, listen to others.

In relationships, 3s need to slow down, really listen and empathize, go below the surface for real needs, allow some pain and difficult feelings to just be, and give time and attention. Experience fewer goals, just fun, connection, allow for differences, and allow for mistakes. Not all problems can be solved instantly. Accept differences and trust that conflict can be valuable learning.

You miss out satisfying your own needs and wants if image conflicts. In endless doing, there’s no time to self-ref lect and see if you are satisfying deeper needs. What do you dare not do because you might not be good at it? What would you like to do just for the fun of it? Can you be a learner and not an instant expert? Can you show us your humanness, your struggles, your fear, your doubt? Can you let others lead? Can you trust that answers may come from relaxation as much as from effort or quick responses?

Your concern about being seen well and having to produce is exaggerated. Most people will love you even more for being a bit flawed, for coming in second, and being more cooperative than competitive. They feel uncomfortable comparing themselves to you, the star producer. Let go of the pressure of image.

You don’t have to be on top all the time. Your very effort and quick-paced drive could be challenging your health, well-being, and relationship success. Enjoy the results of your laboring, instead of always laboring! Take a break to receive the adulation before the next move toward success.

The Growth type of 3 is 6, the Questioner/Guardian, with its positive trait of being part of a team instead of the star. How can you all work together? How can alliances with others benefit you? 6s check out dangers and problems and sometimes don’t move until they’ve got a strategy in place. That’s useful, as you tend to move too quickly and then have to backtrack. 6s focus on loyalty, processing feedback, and brainstorming solutions. 6 qualities of security and stability can be valuable contributions to the 3’s planning. Otherwise, your too-quick, too-competitive personality might gather many challenges to your stardom.

As a 3, you’re creative in your productivity, focusing on endless ways to be successful. You quickly see how a desire can turn into an outcome and you focus until you see the physical result. Visualizing results comes easily to you and action is your creative tool; along with networking, fine-tuning, and a positive attitude. You grow by opening up your creativity and producing for personal satisfaction and not exclusively for money or adulation. Take up a hobby or interest, just for personal enhancement. Pursue it for fun, growth, excitement, or entertainment. Even if you enter your artwork in a juried show, do it to share your art, as much as to win a prize. Share experiences with and learn from others rather than constantly competing with them. See what you have in common. You don’t have to win to be loved and to enjoy life.

Work is the domain of 3s. It’s easy to be married to work and surrender your life to it. There’s money, reward, and esteem tied up in it, particularly in cultures such as the United States and Japan that value work so highly. 3s tend to be workaholics and influence or cajole those in lesser positions to climb on board. Be careful, as 3s, not to place your demands on others. Not everyone is motivated to work so hard for success as you define it.

3s often are managers or leaders, have a natural tendency to be in charge, make things happen, and encourage or push others to support their goals. 3s will work out in the gym, play squash with important people, have strategic lunches, and join the right organizations to influence outcome. Networking, making the right calls, giving the right gifts—3s are lobbyists for results.

3s are career-driven, with as much entrepreneurial spirit as possible (don’t want a limit on income!), and welcome challenge. 3s are often in sales, advertising, entertainment, high fashion, marketing, management, and investment, and thrive in professions with high esteem, such as law and medicine. Any profession with showcase quality is a perfect fit for the 3.

Many 3s are entrepreneurs or venture capitalists, where the sky is the limit. They usually rise up in rank, learn the trade, and take on whatever responsibility is required. Image-conscious and concerned about challenges to that image, 3s hide their weaknesses. They might hire a coach or personal trainer to close the perceived gap in expertise.

3s are natural leaders, and you often want to lead before you’re ready. You’re future-directed, planning your career, outcomes, and bottom lines. You feel deserving of being rewarded and will generally produce the results to earn it. Sometimes, however, you pose as an instant expert and this can backfire. Wait until your experience matches up with your ego.

Your staying power and vision are strong. Always be aware of your tendency toward shortcuts, taking too much credit, and competing in ways that could be damaging, possibly losing support from others. It’s essential to create alliances. Long-range leaders work better than short-term winners, who might lose in the long run.

3s can manifest in many varieties. The 3 with the 2 wing (3/2) can be extroverted and charming (Bill Clinton), while the 3 with the 4 wing (¾) can be more introverted and serious (John Kerry), suffering with internal feelings and longings that are usually repressed, like the 4. There’s also a big difference between a Self-Preservation subtype 3, who is very money and security-oriented, and a Social subtype 3, who mostly is into fame and recognition. Let’s delve deeper.

There are two wings for 3: the 3 with a 2 wing (3/2) and the 3 with a 4 wing (¾):

There are three Instinctual subtypes for the 3:

The Least You Need to Know