In This Chapter

It’s a fun exercise to type people from both your past and your present. It also helps you understand the circumstances surrounding what happened then and what is happening now. Even if you aren’t totally accurate about type, narrowing it down or at least knowing the center can greatly help you understand. This chapter gives you the details on understanding type differences and improving your relationships with others.

Significant authority figures affect how you feel about your type. Teachers, professionals, religious leaders, Scout leaders, and others can all have a major effect on you, both positive and negative. Once you learn the Enneagram, you will see that the ways you once viewed people from your past may be different from how you see them now.

If you have a negative or painful history with someone, there is some likelihood this person is an immature version of their type. Look to heal any bad memories and also look for current, healthier examples of the types. Reflect on the important people in your life and learn what types they are.

If a teacher’s type is the same as yours, or if your type is a natural fit for what the teacher wants, you are likely to be validated. If a teacher liked that you were helpful (like a 2) or peaceful and agreeable (like a 9), your type was validated. If, however, you enjoyed playing pranks (more likely a 7, 8, or counterphobic 6), which the teacher didn’t appreciate, then you might have rebelled even more, reinforcing your type. If the teacher liked humor or pranks and valued a more fun approach, then you might have become more open to your type.

A Type 1 teacher may follow the rules to the letter, but a 1 teacher who is growing knows she needs fewer rules and more humor. A 5 teacher could be boring—focusing too much on dry knowledge—but another 5 teacher may have brought everything to life. One 5 American intellectual-history professor brought in props of the period he was teaching to enliven understanding and generate ideas. The students were captivated.

Development plays as big a role as type. Children can be immature, but they are supposed to be! Many people have painful memories of immature teachers demanding unrealistic behavior or over-punishing minor errors.

Part of the Enneagram’s purpose is to help you value your type and learn the best strengths of the other types. Maturity comes with knowledge, acceptance, and developing new aspects of yourself. Humility, curiosity, objectivity, and a willingness to be vulnerable help you grow and expand beyond your type. Hopefully, your relationships have supported the value of your core type and you have learned to be parts of all the types you’ve been with. People are unique mixes of the nine types and, by the time you are forever young, you will have integrated everything!

Certainly friendships can affect your type—in some cases, even more than lovers or relatives. Ongoing or deep friendships model valued type bonding. If you are esteemed for your strengths, you expand who you are and add dimensions beyond your type. Life is richer and deeper. Conflicted friendships (not unusual to have some conflict on occasion), possibly indicate needed growth for making better choices. Your type, type development, and maturity have a profound impact on your relationships.

Friendships often are safer than love affairs for learning about differences and trying new perspectives, though emotional intensity in friendships can be just as strong as any other relationships.

It’s wise to have friendships with different types in order to develop parts of yourself you otherwise wouldn’t. Going through different kinds of conflicts and misunderstandings can be useful in understanding how different types perceive life and its circumstances. Friendships can help heal same-type issues with relatives and lovers, and you can enjoy new vistas. Your type will be rounded and edged, moved and shaped.

Many people have closer ties with friends than they do with family or romantic partners. Friendships often pass the test of time, enduring long beyond romantic connections and the ins and outs of family politics or loyalties. And while there may be fewer preordained obligations in a friendship, relating to friends can be just as intense as relating to family or a lover. Friends accept us for who we are, faults and all. We choose our friends, the saying goes, but we can’t choose our relatives.

We are usually more realistic about our expectations with a friend. Over time we grow to understand what to expect, how to enjoy each other, and what topics or situations to avoid. Some friends want the contrast of our differences reflected in type, and others want the support of similarities. Friends often do well with their own type, and this is recommended for at least some of your friends. Similar type friends will understand each other in ways other types can’t.

What about friends who are different types? That’s also great! It’s easier to practice growth with friends than it is with family or lovers. For example, 4 and 9 friends can trade off intensity and relaxation in ways beneficial to both. 3s and 5s often work well together, as both like competence. 3s could coach how to make a project happen, with 5s providing the information or technical expertise. 8 and 9 friends benefit from the comfort and acceptance the 9 offers and oomph that the 8 provides in going after a goal. In the 2 and 4 combo, both like some emotional intensity. 2s can listen well to a 4, who supports 2’s individuality.

Everyone makes mistakes. What we did yesterday, we might not do today. The Enneagram can inform why you did what you did and offer alternatives for today. You fought with your friends who were trying to control you. Now you see other options. Listen to others’ views, as valid for them as yours are for you, acknowledge them, but do what you feel is best for you, without fighting or losing yourself in any destructive way. Learn to diminish the need for approval and still be respectful. As you understand more why people do what they do, you’ll have more options to enjoy more and defend less. You’ll understand why you get defensive. Why defend anything?

With choosing friends, mutual interests or mutual friends may have been the connection. In the beginning of a friendship, the shared interest may be the major relational focus. As time goes on, the friendship deepens, as you learn more about each other. With a wider perspective, you can see that everyone’s contribution is necessary and working out the differences, in and of itself, is beneficial. For example, a 9 needs the practice of being assertive with an 8, who even appreciates it. A 7 needs to understand the world of a 6 and, rather than make fun or avoid, see the value of looking problems squarely in the face. You need the input of other perspectives, however difficult it may be.

Differences can pull you apart; a 7 gets exasperated by the 6’s worst-case scenarios or a 4’s abandonment fears and decides not to hang around. 7 will acknowledge pain and problems but doesn’t want to dwell or obsess about them. 1s can see 7s as too loose or not serious about what the 1 thinks about, such as consistency. 8s can’t stand the indecisiveness of 9s or phobic 6s. Other types react to the image-making of the image types. Specific events snowball into fights, misinterpretations, and separation. Emotional scenes linger in our memories. It’s sad if the past made us feel hopeless and gave us few options but to fight or withdraw.

Differences can lead to useful learning. Even if a situation is difficult or painful, it could be the very thing that takes you to a new level of integration. Learning from challenges or even from enemies is sometimes the best learning. Possibly another’s qualities that drive you insane relate to the very parts of yourself that you avoid. When we balance out what our type needs to learn, conflicts with others diminish somewhat. Type conflicts reflect what we need to balance in ourselves. For example …

Opportunities are always there to learn what we need—9s to be more assertive, 1s to relax their structures, 2s to accept others’ versions of love, 3s to see more varied versions of success. See life’s problems as opportunities for growth.

Why did you stay on when the situation was grim? You stayed because you weren’t ready to leave. You took on certain challenges to learn, even beyond your practical concerns of security and survival. The culprit might be ignorance, addiction, or not knowing optional ways of making better choices. People do what they do, in a large way, because of type tendencies. Other people of the type tend to do the same. Knowing the type helps you to let go and have better options for the future. Your choices reflect your learning and self-esteem.

If you feel you’ve wasted time in certain relationships or jobs, as the result of choices you’ve made or in going along with others’ choices—let it go, if you can. There’s so much to learn in life and many roads to take. Start fresh each day.

Forgiving is as much about you as it is forgiving others. You are learning, and you can’t learn without making mistakes. Appreciation for mistakes increases future integration. Guilt tends to limit it. Give yourself a break and forgive yourself, even for the big mistakes and certainly for the little ones. Of course, learn your lesson, so as not to repeat the error. Even then, be easier on yourself. Forgiving others and your past is all to your advantage.

Good relationships are maintained by understanding differences, having compassion for the difficulties of each type, developing other type qualities, and admitting your mistakes. There’s no point in defending yourself, if someone points out what is true. Be affirmative, more than complaining. See how you grow, even with the challenges. Good things can come in difficult packages!

Don’t project onto others. Own what is true in yourself. Remember you need to develop some of the good qualities of every type to be well rounded. Keep healing your past, while living in the moment. Live in your heart, as well as in your head, and you’ll be fine. Ultimately, you are typeless! Meanwhile, enjoy the types and have fun with every one of them. Keep practicing what you need to learn and be easy on yourself. Growth is the goal, not perfection.

Acquaintances are the folks you may see every day or only occasionally. Whether it’s the barista who delivers your morning latte, your favorite checkout worker at the supermarket, the postal worker who delivers your mail, or the mechanic you’ve patronized for 20 years—acquaintances are not quite friends, but they’re definitely closer than strangers. Sometimes, being able to understand their types can help in transacting business, smoothing over a misunderstanding, or simply expanding your knowledge of human nature.

Casual acquaintances can add much value to your life. You expect less from them than you do from friends and you can also see their type more clearly. For example, a nitpicky acquaintance 1 is less difficult to deal with than a friend or lover 1 with the same trait.

When a 6 acquaintance questions you, there’s no need to take it personally. You can recognize this as a type habit. It may be easier to see that this person operates the same way with most everyone. Question back! Find a way to enjoy the type interchange. If you notice someone unique or intriguing, ask yourself what type this person could be. Consider imitating traits of that type for your own enhancement, if that seems valuable. For example, if you are feeling down and meet a 7, spend some extra time with that 7 and see the bright side of life.

If it’s appropriate, initiate a conversation about type with an acquaintance. Learn how that person perceives life. Discover the strengths and quirks of that person’s type. Even though certain traits may be missing from a person, each type seeks its traits. For instance, a 9 isn’t always peaceful inside but likes peaceful feelings. A 6 wants your loyalty but isn’t always loyal. A 3 isn’t always successful but strives to be around success. An added benefit is that just spending some personal time with an acquaintance may be all that it takes to form a new friendship.

People watching is great fun and provides a practical exercise in Enneagram typing! We’re talking about strangers or public figures—those people you don’t know on any personal level. Observe the bank teller, waitress, politician running for public office, TV anchor person, or cab driver and watch them play out their types. The cab driver who drives too fast may reflect an 8 who likes power or a 3 getting you to your goal as quickly as possible. A 2 waitress is ready to serve you and anxious to please. If you feel mellow, you’re probably in the company of a 9. If you feel overloaded with rules, you might be dealing with a 1 or a 6.

You can easily say just the right words to a 6, “Here are some safety tips; here’s what not to do; please ask any questions; these are the probabilities.” If you’re being waited on by an overwhelmed 9, keep your voice calm and reassuring, “Take your time, there’s no hurry.” And about that cab driver? “Slow down, please,” if speed isn’t what you fancy.

The Least You Need to Know