In This Chapter

Parents, siblings, grandparents, spouses, and other relatives—everyone who fits under the umbrella of family has a significant role to play in your life. Whether you are comfortable with yourself or feel ill at ease may be traced to the way family either accepted you or rejected you. Your personality traits may have been a good fit for the family mix or may not have meshed at all. Regardless of how this has played out in your life, type endures—a testimony to its power. Let’s explore your family’s role in your type development.

Parents and guardians have the power to accept or reject you, frustrate you, support you, confuse you, teach you, and guide you. Constant models of personality uniqueness, their power to affect you, and the love and connection you have with them (or lack thereof), creates a tendency to either model yourself after them, try to please them, or rebel against them and their type. Sometimes it’s a mix of all of the above.

Parents’ type and maturity play a major role in a child’s development. Operating from their type perspective, parents clearly can misunderstand you or try to guide you to their ways of seeing. Their conditioning and your responses have significant impact on your type development and self-esteem. Whether you are comfortable in your type or hide your type from them, or even from yourself, begins early in life.

Mom almost always plays a key role in your upbringing. If Mom is more reactive in her type issues and not very nurturing, she’s unlikely to accept your differences if they conflict with hers. She will try to guide or coerce you to meet her needs or standards or else will demand that you ask for very little. Or you may luck out and you and Mom will have a match of interests. Or you’ll adapt. (Some types are more adaptive by nature—2s and 9s in particular.)

For instance, a Type 4 mom might prefer an intense, emotional, creative child—someone like herself. But she’s just as likely to find the child a threat, a competitor, and too demanding—someone who overshadows her own needs. A 7 mom, who wants everything positive, will find a 4 child’s painful feelings and need for attention frustrating—even though some of those feelings might be the 4 child carrying the 7’s hidden pain. The 7 mom will try to cheer up the child or, failing that, will send her to her room. “Get a grip, kid. Be positive or be alone.”

If parents can’t work out their negative feelings regarding type differences, inner and outer conflicts ensue. When you don’t understand your motivations, life is more frustrating and haphazard. Each type reacts in somewhat predictable ways. The more you understand your type, the more likely you’ll like your type perspective, child or adult. Of course, some parents want a different type child—a 9 to soothe them, a 7 to entertain them and be positive. A Type 5 mom, who tends to be intellectual and detached, rather than emotional, struggles to understand why her Type 6 child is so afraid. It’s hard for her to be reassuring, when she doesn’t understand such fear.

Whatever the scenario, moms are frequently physically and emotionally exhausted by the demands of child-rearing. Moms either give too much, struggling with setting limits, don’t give enough, or don’t give what’s needed. When we interpret their actions, we do this through the filter of our own type world. These interpretations can be totally off the mark.

If your mom relates to your type world, outside her own tendencies, you are fortunate. In this case, it’s easier to be yourself and develop your type’s best traits. For instance, if a 6 mom understands her 3 child doesn’t want to look at dangers and problems, she won’t overload the youngster with all the caveats. Meanwhile, she helps herself, too.

Mothers’ types influence their children, so there is something of mother’s type in all of us. Called a parental overlay, it’s a quality of the type that flavors your personality uniqueness. It’s nature! It’s natural to imitate or imprint the parent—baby ducks follow momma duck. For some, the parental overlay and imprinting is considerable, for others, much less. A 5 mom might encourage a child to be more private and respect knowledge; a 6 will encourage checking the stove, being prepared; and so on.

Of course, there are many perfect or nearly perfect fits, in which Mom is delighted by the similarities or differences of her child. She likes what is familiar and also appreciates learning how to relate to what is different. She may realize those differences are exactly what needs developing in herself. Both mother and child experience and experiment with newness, change, and strengthening their bond.

Children are just as likely to react to Mom’s type. They may first rebel and, later in life, be both attracted to and repelled by her type. We are drawn to the very things we don’t like, in order to resolve conflict or come to terms with it. Love-hate romantic relationships are often a re-creation of some of the dynamics of a parent-child relationship.

Dads and other strong male figures active in the family can have just as much influence in a child’s life as moms. We took a general look at moms; let’s check out some specifics with dads. How Dad communicates to a child, along with his emotional maturity, are crucial. Let’s look in on a few dads and their children:

The parent may affect the child and type, but the child’s type is independent of the parent’s. The child will adapt to any situation, from the child’s type level. Every type does this differently. 1s will adapt by trying to be good and correct; 2s by pleasing and being positive; 3s by winning; 4s by retreating to their feelings; 5s by detaching; 6s by fearing the unknown, seeking security outside; 7s by having fun; 8s by being in charge; and 9s by retreating to comforts and avoiding conflict.

Siblings sometimes affect a child as much as parents. Depending on whether or not a brother or sister is supportive, there can be more of a peer relationship than with parents, although some siblings bully and compete, while parents usually are supportive. Siblings vie for attention and validation from parents and other adults and peers, and type can play a major role in how that works. The Enneagram is an excellent tool to bring people together for some strengths trading.

If you are a 9 with an 8 wing (9/8) with two siblings who are 1s, that 1 influence may affect your type and be a part of you, though less than your 9 or 8 tendencies. A 1 brother, working hard to make good grades, might not understand a 9 or a 7 brother, who doesn’t value hard work as much and just wants to have fun. How will they relate to each other? They could support and teach each other, envy each other, compete with each other, or distance themselves from each other. For example, the 1 could help the other’s focus on a goal, and the 7 or 9 could help the 1 relax and play, thus helping with personal development and peer relationships. If you get thanks for what your type does, you generally value your type, yourself, and others to a greater extent; and your relationships with other types work much better.

If two siblings are the same type and their brother or sister is a different type, there could be problems. If the two are 8s and the other one a 6, the 8s could make fun of the 6’s fear or simply see it as abnormal. Because 8s don’t like fear, they can’t stand to see it in others. If the 8s were knowledgeable about their type and had empathy, they could listen and offer reassurance, which the 6 would love. This would also make the 8s feel strong. A perfect fit. The 6 could even teach the 8s a healthy respect for fear, and the benefits of problem-solving.

It’s sad when kids fight; it’s generally not beneficial. Even though competition has its place, every family system could benefit from more cooperation. Some family education in understanding personality differences, handling conflicts, and different ways of looking at life could head off a great deal of strife and confusion. Since people constantly misinterpret motivations, teaching the Enneagram in schools, social clubs, in counseling, in churches—wherever people gather, would help all brothers and sisters get along better!

The Enneagram helps in healing current or past sibling rivalries and differences. When you understand type differences, you can see how your siblings influenced you and why, value what was good, and learn from what was not so good. When siblings get together and talk about type and type influence it makes for better current relating and some good laughs, too.

It’s not unusual for children to be the same types as their parents; in fact, for each parent, the odds are greater than 1 in 9. It’s less common to have everyone within the same family be a different type. Genetics plays a role, one that’s generally considered greater than conditioning.

Variety is what makes family life interesting, and the way parents relate to their children is fundamentally important. If a parent values one child over another, siblings will notice and act or react to this. Competitive, protective, less than, better than—these peer relationships are greatly influenced by parental interactions with their children.

Grandparents can also have a role in affecting your type, particularly if they’re patriarchs or matriarchs of the family system. Family members can please, avoid, protect, or go against the grandparents. 1 and 8 grandparents, for instance, are probably self-willed, easily conflicting with themselves or others. They’d certainly be opinionated. A 6 grandparent would likely want the family to stay strongly bonded, particularly against perceived external threats, yet fears or a need to control (more likely from a counterphobic 6) could just as easily pull the family apart.

It’s also helpful to understand your type from the perspective of how you responded to the type dynamics between your grandparents. One Type 9 had one set of grandparents with the Type 1 grandmother dominant over her 9 husband. Another set consisted of a 6 grandfather and 8/9 grandmother. The 9 child felt more aligned with the 9 grandfather than the 6, though he liked both. The youngster even worked for the 9 grandfather for a short while, picking pecans that his grandfather would sell. Being a 9 child, he adapted to what was expected and got along with everyone. The 6 grandfather felt relaxed around his grand-son and liked his innocence.

What you’ve been taught by your grandparents can be significant. If you have a 6 grandparent who reinforced, “Be careful, plan for the future, and watch out for people,” that will have a different influence than a 3 grandparent who pushed success, money, and having the best. Everyone in the family may feel a pressure to produce, look good, and have the symbols of success.

Entire families with a 3 background are successful, driven, competitive, and reach the top of their work or profession. The siblings may compete with each other. If your father is a famous 3, you must either succeed even more or drop the 3 success drive. If your grandparent and father were both 3s, then the pressure is often greater. John Sr., John Jr., John the III, etc. President of this, president of that … Your grandparents’ cultural values often pressure them to teach you their way, and their values might run deep within you, whatever your type. American values emphasize Type 1 and 3, but depending on where you live, certain types are valued more.

The extended family includes aunts or uncles, great aunts and uncles, and cousins, all of whom can influence your type development. The more the family agrees on norms, the more you’ll either naturally fit those norms or rebel. If your type is not valued and if you are pushed to be different and even punished for being yourself, you can then protect yourself from being, showing, and producing the best your type has to offer, even to the point of wishing you weren’t your type.

Certainly life is easier if you fit in or are encouraged to be yourself. Some families reward and value different types—sometimes even more than they do the norm. If you’re a 7 in a family that’s mostly serious, relatives might appreciate your less serious side. The more welcoming and accepting the family, the better it works.

Maybe a quirky aunt or uncle is exactly the one you want to relate to. A Type 4 might be emotional; a 5 an individualist, bright and mysterious; and a 7, zany with activities and a mind that runs a mile a second. Parents often want their children to be influenced by a variety of relatives—or at least the ones they approve of. The variety within families can be valuable.

Consider cousins, for instance. If you played with them frequently while you were growing up, understanding type differences would help explain why you felt you belonged or didn’t:

Family systems are complicated affairs, with much vying for attention, power struggles, and influence peddling. Sort of like international politics! People misread each other, because they are reacting to struggles with their own type issues. Also, self-esteem—or the lack of it—plays a big part in type and family relating. People adapt and control and are in pain or happy and sometimes they’re a mix of all these. Your type affects others and others affect you. The more you understand your type, value it, and expand it, the better. The more you understand others, the more tolerance you will develop for their type and the more you can influence in less controlling ways.

Family systems, dominated by 8s with strong opinions and conflicts, have a great deal of energy. Sometimes this is a negative energy. Here’s an example of a worst-case scenario: The husband/father/patriarch died. The widow (an 8) and the seven children were present at the funeral. Of the five sisters, three were 8s, one was a 1, and one a 9. There were two brothers, a 9 and a 7. People spoke out, particularly the 8s, while the others mediated or remained detached. The three 8s dominated and fought, even refusing to have a group picture taken. The 9s and even the 1 finally got the picture taken, after pleading for peace, with the 1 also judging the whole scene. The 7 took a back seat and found the scene amusing, though irritating. The family was obviously dominated by Body types (1, 8, and 9), and anger and territorial disputes marred the gathering. What a mess!

Think about some other family systems you’re familiar with. How do they function in difficult times?

Here’s what to look for in family systems:

It’s rare to find a family system totally dominated by one type, though it’s not unusual to have two types more dominant in a small family unit and several in a larger family network. It all works or it doesn’t! The sad news is often that families repeat the same patterns that don’t work. Type understanding helps immensely to change this for the better.

Here’s a spin on the traditional family tree. It’s fun and also highly informative. Sketch a tree with all its branches or use a template, if you happen to have one. Draw the family tree, with grandparents at the top. You can be elaborate, drawing lines or circles that radiate out or squares or triangles or rectangles. Have a blast!

As you write down your relatives’ names, write down their types, as well. See how far back you can go. Even if you never knew your grandparents or great-parents, think of stories you may have heard about them and give their types your best guess based on those tales. Do the same for your parents, your aunts and uncles, your siblings and yourself, spouse, and children. When you’ve finished, examine your work and reflect on what you see.

Who you are today has been affected by your genetic and family history that can go back for hundreds of years. Be aware of that influence, but listen to your own desires, separate from what you’ve been taught. Then look at what you’ve been taught and what has been modeled and see if there is a connection or reaction to types in your past.

If you can’t guess the type, guess the center (Head, Body, or Image) or narrow the core type to two or three. That provides information, also.

You might find a large percentage of your family system is one of the centers or has a disproportionate number of some types over others. One family tree had 21 out of 26 people as Body types (1, 8, and 9), with many issues around anger, boundaries, and territory. Someone else had a family tree that showed mostly Head types (5, 6, and 7) with much knowledge, but not necessarily personal sharing. Out of 35 people, 26 were either Head types or had a strong wing there!

Your racial and cultural origins affect your type and its value. Explore genealogy, history, and family stories that reference the deep mix of who you are. Many people in the United States, 3s or not, compare themselves to 3 values. Image, money, success, achievement, and hiding your failures become a focus, even if you aren’t a 3. These values are reinforced in your upbringing, and then in advertising, job descriptions, and our reward system. If you aren’t striving, accomplishing, or succeeding, then something is wrong. There’s pressure to be something you aren’t. “What do you do? Whom do you know? What have you accomplished?” If you measure success by learning, developing an interest, or working on some internal spiritual goal—those fields of endeavor that don’t measure accomplishment with money, acknowledgement by others, trophies, and outer symbols of success, you may feel excluded from this love fest.

By no means are the majority of people of any country or region dominated by one type, but one type or a few types are often more valued as part of a country’s history, focus, and tradition. This, of course, can change over time. The country or region you live in often has a type focus that may or may not fit your type, but will influence how people feel about type.

Here’s a list of some countries and their corresponding type values. These are stereotypes, of sorts, and are meant to be taken as generalities, not set in stone. It’s a bit tongue in cheek, to boot:

The Least You Need to Know