In This Chapter

Want to make your current relationship all that it can be? The Enneagram can help you understand the very different perspectives from which the nine types see love and romance. In this chapter, you’ll find out what the magic spice is for each type, the reasons why that is, and what you can do to maximize your chances for romantic success. You’ll also discover which couple combinations work—and which ones take some work!

Ah, romance! We think we understand why we’re attracted to those who share our values and beliefs and whose backgrounds are similar to ours. It feels good to relate to what’s familiar. We are also drawn to the unfamiliar—it’s tantalizing and intriguing. The pull of both the familiar and unfamiliar may reflect unhealed wounds from our childhood, reconstituted by our attraction to this new person.

The Enneagram can explain this mystery! None of us is complete, and so we’re attracted to those who can offer that which is missing. Together, sometimes, we make a complete person. Whether your desire is to make a current relationship better, increase your chances of success in that new relationship that may be just around the corner, or understand your past affaires de coeur, let’s see what the Enneagram has to offer.

In a romantic partner, 1s require honesty, commitment, and shared values (or, at least, values 1s can respect). If you love a 1, remember that improvement, high quality, and integrity are part of the package. Developed 1s can accept differences and imperfection. Undeveloped 1s are rigid and critical. Fall for developed 1—otherwise, prepare for a critical analysis and low grades.

What do you want? Just like everyone else, you want the ideal partner. For you, that means someone with good character—someone who is responsible and can make good choices. You hope to find someone with the courage to stand up for what is right. You like order, neatness, and attention to detail. Of course, you also want romance, gifts, special moments, and sensual delight!

What don’t you want? You’re turned off by mess and unkempt or slovenly behavior. Watching your partner peel a potato the wrong way can cause your tension to build with every scrape of the peeler, until you can’t stand it anymore! You give feedback to improve your partner but accepting criticism in return is sometimes difficult. You are already too critical of yourself and too aware of your flaws.

Romantic satisfaction comes as a result of your partner acting with integrity, making some effort, showing appreciation for all that you do, and encouraging a balance between having fun and pleasure and structure and rightness. Pleasure is the logical and acceptable outcome of a good relationship. You’ve earned it!

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 1s

2s need you to acknowledge their attractiveness. This is an image type that likes to present well, so if you don’t notice, you’ll be in the doghouse or lose points. Compliment the new haircut or dress. 2s want a positive presentation from you, too. Make your wants known, and you’re likely to get what you want. If you want something different, express this only with an optimistic perspective. 2s always try to please, but only if you appreciate them.

2s like drama, so don’t be humdrum. If you like something, say so with zeal. 2s love personal praise. Be enthusiastic and thankful. Romance your 2 with cards, notes, carriage rides, candlelight, and flowers. Be creative and personal with gifts. Small gifts or large gifts—it’s truly the thought that counts. 2s receive and bestow affection equally well! Some 2s may be shy, so don’t go overboard with attention, but other 2s love it, so don’t stop! Find out which one is your 2!

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 2s

3s love by giving you the results of their achievements and supporting you to be successful, too. They love praise. Remember, 3s are image types, so being the attractive image they want, works. Dress well, work out, be efficient, fit the picture. Achieve on your own and don’t compete with their success; support it.

3s might not give you the time and attention you want, because they’re working overtime. Often this is to satisfy your material needs and provide both of you with the best. Don’t interrupt 3s in the middle of a project, or if you must, at least be clear what it is you want. Tell them the goal first and then talk. Action-oriented, they have limited time! Set up ways for them to win, as they hate to fail. Appreciate them for that, but please or seduce them to focus on personal and relationship needs, as well.

Tell them that’s success for you. It might seem manipulative, but 3s love to give in ways that produce a result. The result you want here is happiness for both of you.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 3s

4s love romance with a capital R. They love special attention and special moments, dramatic presents, praise, fun, shared pain, being personal, and even authentic conflict—if it resolves itself. Intensity is okay. What’s not allowed? Withdrawal, boredom, too much attention on others. 4s soak up love and appreciation. They can endlessly process their inner life, so set some limits. If you’re a really good listener, they might set natural limits.

4s long for the ideal lover who will carry them to new heights. They want to be pursued and chosen and be made love to in unique ways. It’s not that others wouldn’t choose this, too, but 4s want a steady diet of attention. They love beauty in all forms, so environment is critical. Ambiance and presentation in a restaurant are as important as the food. 4s work at looking exquisite or unique and want a payoff. Their feelings can run the gamut. They want you to be and look special too, though some 4s want your steadiness and consistency.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 4s

5s can do the romance dance like everyone else but may be more cautious at the onset. They are concerned about their private space and over-merging, wanting to make sure a healthy dose of individuality and privacy remains intact, over time. Ah, nothing like a stimulating, intellectual discussion or reading to each other or watching a sunset together as hallmarks of foreplay.

5s can be hot in bed, with all that repressed, sublimated physical energy, but may have a difficult time sharing their personal desires and feelings. This can underheat the flames of romance, though many enjoy the mystery it creates. Let 5s know that you appreciate personal information, however mundane, along with secret thoughts and fantasies. Feed the 5s some juicy bits of knowledge, be excited by their intellectual pursuits, and they’re yours!

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 5s

6s are practical about romance and the attention is on what might go wrong. Are you the person I can count on? Trustworthy? Honest? Committed? Will you answer my questions? Will you get tired of all my questions? Will you stick around, even if I am doubtful? If the other person can satisfy these requirements, relaxation and romance are likely.

What’s the big turn-on for 6s? Reliability. Romance happens best when everything’s out in the open and your love interest or partner still sticks around and follows through on promises. 6s can even handle some inconsistency, if you are honest about it and explain! Be real. Of course, go on vacations, make special meals, be entertaining, and show your heart, too.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 6s

7s have the energy for fun and interesting activities. This is a great fire-starter for romance. Enjoy yourself and let the enjoyment show on your face. Look at the bright side and put new spins on the familiar. 7s don’t like overly focusing on the negative, so that will put the fire out. Freedom is important, so express yourself, with options in mind.

7s want to have a good time. Pleasure is in and pain is to be avoided, if possible, though developed 7s can face the music. 7s can easily come up with mental or practical solutions. Things can change quickly. If this experience isn’t turning out, let’s try another. 7s can bolt, if they feel trapped over a period of time. Feeling free creates the opportunity for more commitment.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 7s

8s want to be in charge. Typically they are strong pursuers in a relationship and generally up front with their desire and attraction. They will lavish much attention on you. 8s tend to want you to adapt to their lifestyle or desires and won’t overly alter themselves or their lifestyle to accommodate yours. They are outspoken, passionate, and physically present.

8s are direct and will go out of their way to bring you onto the map of their life. If you are looking for subtleties, this is not your type. Sex? Let’s speak frankly! Expectations and expression of wants are easy to talk about. What do you want and can you meet it? Fun, laughter, and good times, with energy to burn. Intensity, both physical and emotional, adds to the relationship. Let’s fight! Making up is just as intense.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 8s

9s prefer a softer approach to romance. It’s not that they’re not attracted to more intense types, like 4s and 8s; they often are. But after a while, they need some peace and quiet or they get overloaded. Many other types are drawn to 9s’ gentler, accepting approach. 9s are initially easy to be with, but perhaps not as attractive later on, if not enough self-will comes forth. Too much peace is a sedative, not a stimulant.

Generally, 9s don’t like overbearing or pushy people. 9s like comfort and can’t sustain too much anxiety or pressure. At the same time, 9s learning to be more assertive often attract assertive types. Also, assertive or anxious types are drawn to the calming, laid-back attitude of the 9s. Unless the opposites can see and value the need for each other, over time, conflict and withdrawal are inevitable. Owning your opposite or hidden side ensures more acceptance of the other. Easily satisfied, 9s love when others support 9s’ individuality. 9s will adore anyone who receives their attempts at assertiveness.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Relating to 9s

If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, some conversation and observation will help you learn just where your romantic interest is on that all-important journey of personal growth. Has this person developed qualities outside his or her core type or worked to change some of its limiting or dysfunctional aspects? Undeveloped people of each type present challenges. They will, without question, do what you would expect of their type:

With development comes all manner of wonderful things:

Some relationship combinations tend to be easier than others. Development plays an important role here, as well. Undeveloped versions of any type are difficult to relate to. They tend to not take personal responsibility, are demanding, and not open to change. This puts great demands on others and makes it difficult to be your natural self. As a consequence of this, you will withdraw, limit yourself, attack, or go elsewhere.

Any combination can work well, particularly if a couple works to understand and enjoy each other’s differences. Generally couples that have an easier time relating may have a more rewarding relationship, but it’s just as true that couples that struggle more may grow more, particularly if they value and respect each other. Many couples love strong differences. There’s no right way to do coupleness.

The easier combinations tend to be the ones with some strong similarities, as well as differences. A Type 2 and 3 couple is a good example of this. The 2 and 3 are both image-oriented, savor success, have a positive focus, and like validation—the 2 from pleasing others and the 3 by pleasing both self and others in ways that produce success. 2s can easily support 3s to be successful. This benefits the 2, who reaps the rewards of 3’s success; it also benefits the 3, who feels the 2’s support in giving, making network connections, looking good, and praising the 3. They are different, yet similar enough, particularly if the 3 has a 2 wing and the 2 a 3 wing: very similar with a touch of difference. Their worlds make sense to each other.

Any adjacent numbers with an exchange of wings can work fairly well. For instance, a 4 and 5 couple can expect challenges, but a 4 with a 5 wing and a 5 with a 4 wing can work more easily.

5s and 8s often do well together. 5s are objective and withdraw, to think before they act, quite different from 8s’ tendency to be impulsive with decisions. 5s admire 8s’ directness. This is refreshing for 5s, who spend too much time thinking before acting. 8s learn from 5s’ thoughtfulness, research, and patience.

Other combos that might work more easily than others include 1-5, 1-6, 2-2, 2-7, 3-7, 5-5, 5-7, 5-9, 6-9, 7-8, 7-9, and 9-9. With so many factors involved, including subtypes, family background, and, of course, development, predicting couples success cannot be an exact science.

Most couples find themselves in the middle range. The same combination may be fine for one couple and not so great with another. It just depends how your chemistry works together. It often has to do with past type associations, your developmental process, past experiences, subtypes, wings, and other differences the Enneagram doesn’t touch. For instance, let’s look at a 1-7 couple. The 1 longs to have permission to play and let things be, like the 7; and the 7 balances by being more serious and focused, like the 1. They might support each other in their differences, or could torture each other with their differences. The 1 could criticize the 7’s lighter side and the 7 not want 1’s more serious and evaluative nature. On average, this combination works well over time. Middle range relationships might include the 1-2, 1-3, 1-7, 1-9, 2-4, 2-8, 2-9, 3-3, 3-5, 3-8, 3-9, 4-3, 4-5, 4-6, 4-8, 5-6, and 6-8.

There is a real advantage in being with your own type. You will probably understand each other and speak somewhat the same language; however, your own issues are mirrored in your partner, so you could experience double vision. Some same-same couples compete with each other:

All combinations can work, when more developed people are involved. Some of the most challenging combinations can be quite enriching, but combos with too much difference can create inherent conflict for most people. Some of the most challenging combinations include …

Other typically challenging relationships are 1-4, 2-6, 4-7, 8-8, and 8-9. Even these combos can work well, if the partners develop all parts of themselves and accept differences and challenges. Admiration and respect work wonders, and if you’ve had good friendships with these combos, that helps, too.

Maturity, type differences, family, and cultural history all play significant roles in how couples, or any twosome, interrelate. Subtype differences also play a major role. How you perceive your bottom-line survival issues are crucial, along with how you negotiate for personal survival and enjoyment. The combination of type and subtype differences can produce infinite possibilities of misinterpretation and threat or satisfaction and learning.

This combination is hot. Mutual Sexual subtype couples prioritize sex and romance over social or survival issues. Often these couples have a great sex life or certainly desire that, but at the same time may feel overly threatened when problems intrude. Sexual subtypes are intense. Expectations to have an ideal lover are high and much can get projected in the romantic atmosphere. This is the romantic couple par excellence, with each feeling the other’s desire for heat, intimacy, and wanting to fulfill the other’s fantasies. Longing, romance, some fighting and jealousy—this is the stuff of soap operas.

The Sexual subtype wants to spark, and the Social subtype wants to be in the spotlight of groups and social concerns. The Sexual subtype wants private time with the partner, and the Social subtype wants social time often away, possibly with the mate included. Take the time to negotiate. Don’t judge the differences; instead, talk about them and see if you can have both. Maybe you can go to the convention and still have some private time, too. The Sexual subtype could come along or visit with a close friend, and the Social subtype could hobnob and network. Don’t see the differences as problems so much as opportunities to learn the concerns of the other. Everyone has need of all three subtype areas, so intensify your interests that are similar to your partner’s.

The Sexual subtype feels rejected if the spark isn’t the same as it used to be. The Self-Preservation subtype understands that time changes the level of intensity that characterizes the beginnings of romance. Self-Preservation subtypes want a stay at home weekend to go over the budget, clean the home, and plan renovations; and the Sexual subtype wants quality moments with the mate and romantic getaway weekends. Conflict and misinterpretation can result, unless each makes time to engage the needs of the other or the couple decides to alternate weekend activities between their subtype differences.

Maybe you’re the jet-set couple, attending social engagements with other couples, hosting dinner parties for your friends, and juggling invitations to join prestigious groups. Having the same interests can help here. If one of you favors political groups, while the other prefers religious groups, there can be some tugging around these differences. Still, there’s a shared respect for the social arena of life. Making those personal or group associations is all-important. At parties, you might want to connect with everyone important to you. Feeling in or out socially is important and the role you play in these individual or group relationships is vital.

One of you prefers to stay at home, and the other is out and about socializing. This can work well, as Self-Preservation subtypes often are introverts and want to spend some time alone. Maybe the Social subtype can encourage the partner to attend some parties and go out in public, and the Self-Preservation subtype can help the Social subtype spend some quality time alone. Do some socializing at home, if that works. Because neither of you is the Sexual subtype, there’s less demand for your partner to please your core needs.

Both of you tend to be homebodies and prioritize money in the bank, security, health, hearth, and home. Your priorities and values are similar, and you aren’t into high risk adventures. You enjoy doing what you always tend to do. You have regular habits, are predictable, and don’t like to shake things up. Change is difficult. Have that special meal together and plan for the future! Bon appétit! Travel together and don’t get too tied to the house. Take some risks and have some adventures, either together or apart.

The Least You Need to Know