The centered state is a conscious choice.

4 DEVELOP POWER AND PRESENCE

When you change, everything changes.

—Judy Ringer

Primary Purpose

Chapter 4's purpose is to give the parties ways to effectively change their mind-body state to one of optimal performance and emotional awareness. You help both parties experience the difference between a centered and an uncentered state as well as how to choose the centered state anytime, anywhere.

Preparation

• Know the purpose and desired outcome for the session.
• Know which skills you will focus on and why.
• Have scenarios in mind for role-playing and practicing the skills.
• Read your notes from the previous session.
• Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.

Agenda

• Express gratitude for the person's presence.
• Explain your hopes for the session and ask them about theirs.
• Ask for any developments since the last session.
• Teach centered presence and purposeful power.
• Use examples from their conflict to practice the skills.
• Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
• Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
• Assign homework.

Teach Centered Presence

Centering is not an abstract term, but rather a practical tool available to all of us.

—Thomas Crum, Journey to Center

In Chapter 1, the focus was on your quality of being—your ability to manage your behavior, mindset, and purpose as you enter the room using the principles of centered presence, personal power, and clarity of purpose. Here in Chapter 4, you help your employees develop these principles in order to stay calm, centered, open, and respectful when they communicate with their conflict partner. As you teach and coach the parties in these self-management techniques, you are also modeling them and adding new centering practices to your own repertoire.

When teaching conflict and communication skills, I envision two concentric circles. The outside circle is the container for our quality of being skills: centered presence, personal power, and clarity of purpose. The inner circle—surrounded and supported by our quality of being—holds our communication skills: inquiry, active listening, acknowledgement, advocacy, and problem-solving.

Quality of Being Skills

In large part, the intervention you are undertaking is about deepening people's awareness of the influence they have moment to moment and their capacity to respond purposefully and skillfully under pressure. You are refining personal and professional intentions—yours and those of the parties you're coaching.

We are talking about quality of being: the underlying tone of my actions—including the way I carry myself physically, mentally, and emotionally—as well as the awareness with which I approach a conflict. Am I centered and breathing? Do I understand my part in influencing the conversation? How do I manage my emotional energy? Can I step back, witness myself in action, and make conscious choices? Our physical posture, breath, and composure influence our thinking and the environment around us.

Communication Skills

Communication skills refer to what I say and do—that is, the ways in which I express my views, listen actively to others, and collaborate on solutions (or not). A skilled communicator knows how to keep the dialogue psychologically safe, focused on the task at hand, and moving in a positive direction. (These skills are covered in Chapter 5.)

We begin with quality of being because being “speaks” louder than doing. The underlying principles of presence, power, and purpose are most evident here and are necessary for the communication strategies to be effective. Thomas Crum puts it this way: “Quality of being is primary. Everything else is secondary.” Crum is describing a state of mind-body-spirit—the most crucial and most neglected element in difficult communication. The best content and delivery skills always are betrayed by an uncentered state, which is why we begin here and will continually return to this skill set.

Centering and the Learning Mindset

As we learned in Chapter 1, a core component of centered presence is the mindset with which you approach a conflict or difficult conversation, and is a concept I reinforce throughout the process.

As a general practice, I want the parties to re-center periodically in order to stay in a learning frame of mind. In more specific applications, such as a difficult conversation, participants learn that when they're centered, they're also present, flexible, curious, and aware—all valuable qualities under pressure. Aikido says we can handle the energy of the attack only by being open to moving off our current position to one in which we can see where the energy is coming from and where it's going. From this vantage point, we can join the energy and influence it. A fixed position—or an inflexible mindset—offers no room for enlightenment and, in the martial sense, is a dangerous space to occupy. We don't see what's coming and can't get out of the way.

In her book Mindset, The New Psychology of Success, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck presents convincing research on two ways of being in the world—the growth mindset and the fixed mindset—and how it's our mindset that really helps us to achieve success and live happier lives.

According to Dweck, mindset trumps ability, talent, and skill in influencing our willingness and ability to change. Her research suggests we are born with a love of learning, which she calls a growth mindset. With encouragement, this capacity continues through life, and is evident in people who love challenge, think of obstacles as opportunities to course correct, and are willing to do what it takes to achieve their purpose. Failure is merely an opening to acquire new skills or perspectives.

Through a combination of nature and nurture, a different mindset can develop that is more rigidly focused on position and the need to win and own the “truth.” This is the fixed mindset in which people don't experiment or explore unfamiliar ideas because they fear failure and judgment.

The growth mindset says knowledge and ability can be developed, and consequently, a person with this mindset is naturally more curious and open to hearing other points of view. Someone with a fixed mindset believes that people's abilities are preset and unchanging, and therefore sees a mistake as cause for judgment—of self or others. It's difficult for a person with this mindset to be open to hearing new and different ideas, especially when these conflict with pre-determined beliefs.

You can see why it's crucial to reinforce a growth mindset in the people you're managing and coaching. Their mindset frames whether they perceive the external world as judge or teacher, as well as the narratives running inside their heads. In a fixed mindset, the internal monologue is constantly assessing: “I don't want to look bad” and “How can I show I'm right in doing what I did?” A person with a growth mindset, while also monitoring externals, is more likely to ask: “What am I learning here about how this conflict developed?” and “How can I improve my awareness so this doesn't happen again?”

Sharing and encouraging the concept and characteristics of the growth mindset with your employees helps them resolve conflict as well as work together productively in this process and everywhere in their lives.

Characteristics of the Fixed and Growth Mindsets

Conflict can intensify the fixed mindset, because I think I look better if I can prove my point.

There are ways to encourage a growth mindset. As the coach, you can help an employee by inviting him to think of a past conflict he solved and learned from. Working with conflict in this way can significantly aid development of a growth mindset and improve quality of life. For example, the growth mindset allows people to view conflict as follows: I have an obstacle. What can I learn from my part in it? What have I learned from past experiences like this? Where's the gift that sets me free from similar conflicts and teaches me how to be a more skilled, professional, and collaborative colleague, partner, or family member?

Another way I encourage a growth mindset is by asking all parties to assume the other person might know something they don't. I often ask them to imagine that the conflict partner grew up on another planet. Then I ask if they would be curious about that planet. The smile or laughter that generally follows such a suggestion automatically shifts us into a growth mindset.

Dweck suggests encouraging the growth mindset by praising employees who take on difficult tasks and see them through, who struggle and succeed in learning something new, who persevere through a setback, or who are open to criticism.

You can assign homework that helps the employee create more learning experiences. For example, invite each party to notice any defensiveness between sessions. Ask if it's helping or holding them back. Once aware of it, each person can channel any defensive energy in a more useful direction, such as talking about the defensiveness with the other person.

We also change by being exposed to constructive role models as well as through new ways of thinking about failure and challenge. Watching you—the coach—maintain curiosity and positivity in the face of difficulty encourages the same in your employees. By doing this, you're teaching skills that are valuable in all areas of life, and you're preparing the parties for joint problem-solving.

Centering is the most important of all aspects of our process. Often described as a mind-body state that enhances awareness, centering increases your connection with your environment, promotes flexible thinking, and encourages a growth mindset. Athletes speak of it as “the zone” or “peak performance.” Fighter pilots call it “situational awareness,” the ability to make the best choice under extreme pressure. When you're centered, you're stable and flexible, balanced and directed, powerful and open. You are present to your surroundings and able to move in whatever direction you choose. You have options you would not normally have in conflict settings.

Most importantly, you have the ability to observe yourself in the process of reacting to conflict, and to intentionally stop the reaction and come back to a more aware, composed, and responsive mind-body state. You do this by focusing on a centering thought, such as the feeling of breathing in and out, a positive image, or your center of gravity.

In terms of how you share this concept with your people, if you can center yourself, you can teach it. You do this by tuning in to the way in which you center yourself, and sharing your method as clearly and specifically as possible. I'll also give you some hints.

To begin, all that's required is a conversation about the concept. I usually start by asking, “What does it mean to be centered?” or “How would you complete this sentence: ‘When I'm centered, I'm . . .’” Answers usually include:

• Calm
• Balanced
• In control
• Confident
• Present
• Happy
• Flexible
• Grounded
• Ready
• At peace

I ask for situations in which the individual has been centered or uncentered, and what happened in each case. “Do you believe you have the ability to choose the centered state? If yes, how have you done it? How have you come back from uncenteredness?”

I often hear:

• “I take a deep breath.”
• “I count to ten.”
• “I think of someone I love.”
• “I stop my chattering mind.”
• “I feel my feet on the ground.”
• “I smile to myself and remember life is bigger than this conflict.”

When I teach centering, I want to help the individual understand:

1. The difference between being centered and uncentered. How does my partner know they're centered? Is it physical (calm/relaxed), mental (curious/open), visual (beach/mountain), kinesthetic (rooted/stable), auditory (song/quiet), or a combination? Each person has a unique way of anchoring the centered state.
2. That centering requires only intention. The individual doesn't have to leave the room, take a walk, or meditate. Although these are excellent centering practices, we want to be able to stop, breathe, and center at any moment without requiring changing location.
3. That centering is a choice. You will help them understand that centering isn't a wish or a hope, but a mind-body choice they can make at any time.

The key is to make sure the individual experiences the difference between being centered and uncentered, because this provides a reference point they can return to at any time. You want them to anchor this choice in body and mind.

At this point in the session, it's helpful to debrief with the person you're working with by discussing the reason for the practice and the benefits of centering. For example, when you're centered, you are able to:

• Notice your reaction and be grateful for the awareness.
• Stop and gather yourself. You can feel your feet on the floor, conscious breathing from your core, and flowing energy.
• Return to your purpose and act with intention.

Note: It's not enough to merely talk about the concept of centering. Most people know they want to be centered/grounded/balanced/in control, but our reactive patterns are strong. We can't access the state under pressure unless we've practiced it enough to choose it at any time. Use the Aikido Off the Mat: A Centering Practice exercise on this page to help your employee distinguish between the two states and recognize the centered state as a mind-body choice available at all times.

In his book Journey to Center, Thomas Crum describes personal life adventures in which his ability to center himself played a crucial and, on more than one occasion, a life-saving role. In particular, his story entitled “Centered Relationship” examines what it means to deeply connect with another person, whether it be a loved one or a chance meeting; the ways in which centering increases compassion and presence; and how to practice and attain this kind of mindful relationship in a “quick-fix” world. Crum is a great storyteller, and I encourage you to check out the story and the book.

As a way to reinforce centering and give each party a way to practice it in the workplace, I invite the person to talk about a situation in which they have a reaction to their conflict partner and become uncentered. I have them think through the last time this happened and ask:

• “How would becoming centered in that situation have helped?”
• “When is the next time this situation is likely to happen?”
• “How will you remember to center yourself?”
• “How will this help?”

As part of the homework assignment, I ask each person to keep a conflict journal in which they can record what happened, how they reacted, if they centered themselves, and what happened as a result. The stories they bring back are often amazing.

Teach Personal Power

Choice of attention—to pay attention to this and ignore that—is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences.

—W H. Auden

When your people understand the potential of the centered state, they also intuitively grasp the concept of personal power as the ability to accomplish purpose. Although this concept can be mysterious at first—What is personal power? Do I have personal power? How do I increase it?—once again, you can give your people an experience of true power in the aikido sense of the word by showing them how to direct their life energy—their ki—literally and figuratively on purpose.

Aikido Off the Mat: Unbendable Arm exercise on page 93 is a fun and persuasive way to demonstrate the connection between personal power and clarity of purpose; when we have one, we have both.

The Unbendable Arm exercise is also a powerful exploration of either-or thinking. In Power and Love, Adam Kahane, who has authored many books and facilitated conflict resolution worldwide, quotes Martin Luther King Jr. on the subject of power and its often falsely identified opposite, love:

Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. . . . And one of the great problems of history is that the concepts of love and power have usually been contrasted as opposites—polar opposites—so that love is identified with the resignation of power, and power with the denial of love.

And later in the quotation:

Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. . . . It is precisely this collision of immoral power with powerless morality that constitutes the major crisis of our time.

This concept underlies most of our difficulties with one-on-one conflict and our difficulty in identifying personal power. We assume we have to choose between power and love, kindness, or compassion, and the countless manifestations of this choice: getting our way or letting others have theirs, being respectful or being direct, being honest or being loyal, and expressing our point of view or listening to others' views. But these are all false choices.

Personal power and love walk hand in hand. When I'm centered and purposeful, I can:

• Be open to new ways and rooted in principle.
• Be both respectful and direct.
• Choose honesty and loyalty.
• Entertain other viewpoints and express my own.

Similarly, consider the concept “Heart at Peace” in The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute. This is a simple concept: Do I enter the conflict with a heart at peace—a willingness to resolve the problem—or do I enter with a heart at war that wants to win regardless of the cost? As with the false choice of power or love, often we equate peace with being soft or overly yielding, which prevents us from choosing peace in conflict. Although war may not be our first choice, at least it's associated with power, reward, and winning—outcomes humans often strive for. But, I encourage myself and my partners to ask: “Are these my only choices—hard or soft, win or lose?”

When we enter a conflict conversation with a heart at peace, and with the understanding that we can engage with power and compassion, we can be open and direct as we try to resolve the problem, knowing the problem won't be fully resolved until all parties feel heard and supported.

As the coach, you reinforce these concepts so the parties can begin to move away from positional thinking, see more clearly how they can work together in a “both-and” world, and increase their personal power.

Teach Clarity of Purpose

True power is energy flowing freely toward a purpose.

—Thomas Crum

In the individual sessions, you also help the conflicting parties develop clarity of purpose. For example:

• What is the purpose of the process they're being asked to engage in?
• What would be an ideal outcome for them?
• Why should they care?
• What's in it for them?
• How does this outcome fit into their larger career and life purpose?

In the opening sessions, it's important to set the scene. If the participants are feeling vulnerable about being invited into a coaching situation, I've found it helpful to be as transparent as possible about my role, what is expected, and the positive aspects to gain from participating fully. To build enthusiasm and motivation, I help participants see what's possible and how they will work together differently when they complete the process.

To further clarify the power each party can gain over conflict and prepare them for the communication strategies around purpose, I use the following Unbendable Arm exercise. It's a traditional activity in aikido dojos around the world and common in non-aikido circles as well. The beauty of this exercise is its simplicity in demonstrating the effortlessness of personal power when directed toward a purpose they care about.

You may want to try this activity before using it with people you're coaching. When you feel in your own mind and body the difference between the two ways of being, you are better able to put the metaphor to work. You start to notice that (just like in the exercise) when your focus moves from problem to purpose, you are more focused and powerful with less effort. Obstacles—represented by the pressure on your arm—disappear into the flow of energy heading toward purpose. In fact, the obstacles are a clarifying stimulus, an invitation to refine, simplify, or better identify what it is you really want from this work, life, or conversation.

A second way to demonstrate the power of purpose is to ask the parties to name an activity they love—something where time disappears because they are so persistent and absorbed in the activity. When this happens, a person is in the “flow” state—a highly focused mind-body condition first described by the Hungarian psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. When in flow, we're more creative and intrinsically motivated than when we're performing a task out of necessity or obligation. In the flow state, we're present in the here and now, we lose ourselves to the task, and we're “on purpose.”

In whatever manner you choose, it is essential for you to clarify each person's purpose for the intervention. You must also periodically check in with the participants to determine if the purpose has changed or stayed the same throughout the process.

If participants express doubts or questions such as the following, I invite them to provide their own answers:

• “Why are we doing this?”
• “Why should I continue?”
• “What do I really want from this?”
• “What is my hope for the joint sessions?”

Ideally, the parties have a similar overarching purpose of finding ways to work together more harmoniously, with greater self-awareness, emotion management, and support for each other back at work. When the purpose is clear and frequently reinforced, the parties are largely willing to work toward a sustainable solution.

The power of a clearly defined purpose continues to be a key element of our process, and it will surface again as a crucial stage of The 6-Step Checklist (Chapter 5), which puts purpose into action to transform difficult conversations into learning conversations.

Practice

It took me seven years to become a black belt in aikido, three more to rise to second degree, and ten more to achieve third degree. Similarly, it takes time to learn how to manage conflict and communicate effectively. We weren't born with this knowledge, and practicing these skills can change lives.

The following practice opportunities help the parties reinforce the skills they're learning and prepare them for a new way of working together. They can be assigned as homework, used during the session, or both.

1. Centered presence: Ask each person for five stories on centering. In their stories, the participants should note:
   • Times they remembered to center themselves under pressure and what happened as a result.
   • Times they forgot to center themselves when it would have been helpful and what happened as a result.
   • How they will remember to center themselves next time a similar conflict arises.
2. Personal power: Help the parties experience the power they have to explore a different viewpoint. When in conflict with someone, it's easy to see only the part of that person that's the problem for us. For example, if I think you're controlling and selfish, I see only control and selfishness. In fact, I begin to look for those behaviors in order to justify my view. I downplay or unconsciously ignore behaviors that might show you to be generous and flexible. To change this mindset:
   • Ask each party to explore the power of changing their view from seeing only the problematic part of their coworker to looking for other parts: the concerned parent, loving grandparent, or close friend.
   • Ask each of the parties to list one behavior or quality they admire in the other.
   • As homework, ask each of the parties to look for additional behaviors or qualities they like or respect in the other, and keep a log for the following session. Each person must list at least three things, and look only for what they admire or respect.
3. Clarity of purpose: Ask each party for answers to the following questions:
   • What would be my ideal outcome for this coaching process?
   • What do I want for myself?
   • What do I want for my conflict partner?
   • What outcome would be ideal for my organization, team, or business?
   • How would I like to engage differently when the process is complete?

Homework Examples

• Managing Conflict with Power & Presence Workbook: Review through page 11.
• Read “Have Your Feelings (or They Will Have You)” and “What's Your Purpose” in Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.
• Read “Relax!,” “Getting on the Mat,” and “What Is This Thing Called Ki?” in Unlikely Teachers by Judy Ringer.
• Read “Centered Relationship” in Journey to Center by Thomas Crum.
• Come to the next session with at least three things you admire or respect about [the conflict partner].
• Look for opportunities to practice centering and notice what happens. Bring stories about centering to the next session.
• Keep a conflict journal and bring it to the next session. Include:
  • What happened?
  • How did you handle what happened?
  • What did you appreciate about your response?
  • What will you do differently next time?
• Notice any defensiveness that arises between sessions. How is it helping you? How is it holding you back? In what ways might you use this life energy more constructively?

Complete the session by setting a time for the next one and thanking the parties for their hard work. Send a follow-up email with your notes and suggested homework. A day or two before the next session, send a reminder email.

Key Points

• The purpose behind developing power and presence is to give the parties ways to effectively change their mind-body state to one of optimal performance and emotional awareness.
• Quality of being is the way someone carries herself physically, mentally, and emotionally, and the awareness with which she approaches the conflict.
• Communication strategies are the ways in which someone expresses his views, listens actively to others, and collaborates on solutions.
• Our quality of being is the most crucial and most neglected element in difficult communication.
• Someone with a growth mindset is open to possibility and knows that ability can be nurtured and developed.
• Someone with a fixed mindset believes that abilities are preset and unchanging.
• Centering is the key to managing emotional energy and adopting a growth mindset.
• Clarity of purpose helps the parties determine what they want and influences their participation in the joint sessions.
• Clarifying each person's purpose for the intervention is essential and should be ongoing.

Sources

• Power and Love: A Theory and Practice of Social Change by Adam Kahane
• The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by The Arbinger Institute.
• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck
• Journey to Center by Thomas Crum
• The Magic of Conflict by Thomas Crum
• Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi