APPENDIX D

SUPPORT BETWEEN SESSIONS

The following are samples of the type of homework assignments and notes I send by email directly following a session—usually the same day or within twenty-four hours. The purpose is to create an environment of continuous learning and practice. I want the parties thinking about the concepts and practicing the skills day to day, not only during the sessions.

The following notes are partial and for sample purposes only, and are examples of the content arising from my observations during the sessions.

Based on what I see and hear, I assign homework to reinforce the instruction and engage the parties in the learning process. In addition, this follow-up process lets them know they've been heard, correct any misunderstandings, and spot recurring patterns.

Samples from Individual Sessions

Individual Follow-up Email—Session 1

Hi (name),

Thank you for your time, enthusiasm, receptivity, and willingness to jump into this work. I really enjoyed our session today and look forward to next time—May 15, 9 a.m., at (location).

Notes and homework are listed in the email. If I missed an important moment, please let me know.

Thank you, (name) Please confirm receipt. And have a great week!

Homework

• Read through Chapter 6 in Unlikely Teachers.
• Managing Conflict with Power & Presence Workbook: Review through page 10.
• Come to the next session with at least three things you admire or respect about (conflict partner's name).
• Look for opportunities to practice centering and notice what happens. Bring stories about centering to the next session.
• Keep a conflict journal and bring it to the next session.
• Begin meditation practice as outlined during the session.
• Establish a routine of getting out of your office space for ten to fifteen minutes twice a day, in order to de-stress and regain perspective.
• In the CDP Development Guide, read the page on Reflective Thinking and do the first two development activities.
• Watch two videos on The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
  • Random House, “How to Break Habits” from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1eYrhGeffc
  • Epipheo, “The Power of Habit,” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQLHwSphu-M

Notes

• You read the Introduction to Unlikely Teachers and appreciated the aikido metaphor.
  • The idea of “conflict as opportunity” resonated; you'd “like to operate that way.”
  • You also like the idea of choosing a centered response under pressure—the ability to be calm and in control.
• You have high expectations of yourself and others.
• When I asked about your purpose for our work together, you said you would like to communicate more effectively with (name). You also want to resolve the ongoing issues and “put this episode behind you.”
• We did an aikido exercise called Moving from Resistance to Connection.
  • You quickly applied the metaphor, saying it was about combining energies and working toward the same goal.
  • It was a different way to look at conflict.
• We had a conversation about sarcasm. You said this trait runs in your family, and it can be a way to feel like you belong.
  • You noted that everyone doesn't receive sarcasm the same way. For you, it feels like you're connecting, but for others it can feel hurtful or disrespectful.
• We practiced a centering exercise, and it reminded you of how you feel when you're running.
• We practiced the Unbendable Arm exercise.
  • For you the third arm—the energy arm—was about the ability to focus on the purpose of the conversation and not get distracted by tangents.
  • We also talked about emotions, and that centering is not about suppressing emotion but rather a container that allows us to witness emotional energy and decide how to use it in a more constructive way.
  • The first arm = aggressive behavior, words, actions.
  • The second arm = passive or passive-aggressive.
  • The third arm = assertive, purposeful, direct, respectful.

Individual Follow-up Email—Session 2

Hi (name),

Great work today. Thank you for your perseverance in the pursuit of a goal. I'm talking about our common goal of finding your highest, most centered and capable self. Watching you find your centered presence in our role-plays and seeing you jump into Discovery by choosing a curious state of mind was personally rewarding. Not everyone can do that at will. It's one of the primary indicators of awareness and compassion for self and others. Bravo.

I look forward to next week, and will be eager to hear if you have the conversation we practiced and how you found your center in it.

Meanwhile, homework and notes . . .

Homework

• Continue journaling and meditation.
• Finish reading Difficult Conversations.
• Please read the attached HBR article, and let me know if/how it helped with your upcoming conversation.
• Brainstorm questions for our joint sessions.
• Think about your interactions with (name) and how you will apply the 6-Step Checklist in your upcoming conversation.
• Watch for examples of people jumping up the Ladder of Inference (yours and others). Bring examples to the next session.

Notes

• Your conversation with (name) went well. You feel like a weight has been lifted.
• When I asked about your thoughts on progress in general, you said:
  • The books, behavior style profile, centering, gaining skills, and having tools you never had before were helping you learn new things that were good for a lot of areas of life, not only this specific relationship.
• We took a look at your Conflict Dynamics Profile assessment.
  • You recognized Yielding as something you do a lot, which hasn't been helpful with (name).
  • Your primary hot button is Micromanaging. Someone who pushes this button is (name), as well as some members of your family.
• When we started brainstorming behaviors that others might label retaliatory, we came up with:
  • The conversation you had when you said you were resigning.
  • The fact that some people see retaliation in behaviors like shutting down or avoiding.
• We went through the CDP Development Guide and worked on Approachability as a Dynamic Goal.
• You and (name) are more aligned, and more trusting of each other.
• You are rebuilding rapport, and the two of you have work-related conversations more easily.

Samples from Joint Sessions

First Joint Session Follow-up

Follow-up email

Thank you for our lunch session today. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I think you know each other pretty well, although I hope a few new insights were gained. It can be interesting and fun to get to know someone beyond their role at work.

I look forward to next week and our first working session together. Please plan on ninety minutes. Between now and then, review what you know about the following concepts we've covered in our individual sessions, so that we can talk about how they will be useful to you in your communication at work—with each other and with other coworkers and teammates.

As always, feel free to communicate with me by email or phone anytime.

Thank you both for your energy!

Homework

• Continue journaling and meditation.
• Notice when you become uncentered, how you know you're uncentered, and how you re-center yourself.
• Review your behavior style and Conflict Dynamics Profile (CDP) assessments, and consider how your styles have been at play in your work relationships.
• Begin reading The Elephant in the Room, by Diana McLain Smith.
• Bring questions for each other to our next joint session.
• Think through one past difficulty and how you imagine you will handle it differently in the future.

Notes

• The first part of the session we talked about your reactions to the CDP.
  • Some surprises.
  • Some “of course.”
  • Nice if everyone could take the CDP.
  • Some feedback was useful, some not so much.
• We went over your behavior styles, including what seemed true for each of you, and what you thought the other person needed to know about your preferences. There were some similarities:
  • Your mutual tendency to withdraw/disengage in conflict.
  • Your desire to “get it right.”
  • (Name) can be defensive when criticized.
  • (Name) needs to know all the data before making a decision.
  • We did some role-play around offering feedback that might be seen as critical.
• We revisited The Ladder of Inference and the fact that people move up the ladder very quickly in conflict. It's easy to draw conclusions based on our view of the world and then look for more data to confirm those conclusions.
• Both of you reflected that your interactions at work have been going well:
  • Easy work and non-work conversations.
  • Working more like a team.
    • (Name) is able to be more patient when asked for help.
    • (Name) is pitching in with heavy work load.
• A coworker noticed that things have been lighter and “not so frigid.”
• We took a look at some questions about future interactions:
  • What is needed to resolve this process so that the solution is sustainable?
  • What are problem areas that could get in the way down the line?
  • How will you know if there's a problem?
  • How would you like to handle minor conflicts so that they don't escalate?