Learning to give and receive energy with each new partner is a challenge and a gift.

7 RESOLVE, REFLECT, REINFORCE

Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

—Albert Einstein

Primary Purpose

The purpose of continued joint sessions is to provide openings for the parties to talk about their learning from the individual sessions, compare experiences, and plan for the future. Both parties will explore topics that include:

• What needs to happen for them both to have continued positive engagement?
• What roadblocks may come up?
• How will they resolve future conflict?

Preparation

• Keep the purpose and objectives for the joint sessions in mind.
• Consider your specific goals for this session.
• Read your notes from the previous session.
• Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.

Agenda

• Ask how things have gone since the last session, and point out positive interactions.
• Review the purpose and goals, and ask the parties for their thoughts.
• Review the 6-Step Checklist.
• Use specific questions to determine what is working and what still needs attention.
• Discuss behavior or style inventories (if included in the process).
• Offer the parties an opportunity to express appreciation to each other and for the process.
• Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
• Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
• Assign homework.

Objectives: Resolve, Reflect, Reinforce

Chances are you have gotten off to a great start with your first joint session. Because you built a strong foundation in the individual sessions by listening and aligning with each conflict story—and because the parties now have skills for engaging in learning conversations and problem-solving—the subsequent sessions will fall into place. The players have enhanced their skill sets through individual instruction and practiced them in the workplace. Consequently, they are less fearful and more confident to take the next step in setting their differences aside. At this point, the problem is close to being resolved. In my experience, seldom do you need more than two or three joint meetings. Sometimes one is sufficient (beyond the initial lunch meeting).

As the coach/facilitator, I see the joint meetings accomplishing three overarching objectives, which will be the primary focus of this chapter. If the conversation becomes difficult for any reason, these objectives help me remember what I'm here to do—and what I can't do. I'm here to help the parties:

1. Resolve existing challenges by forging solutions that will stand the test of time.
2. Reflect on potential challenges and plan ways to deal with them.
3. Reinforce their confidence and capacity to handle difficulty in the future.

An important tool in accomplishing them is the 6-Step Checklist, which we'll review here before exploring these objectives in depth.

The 6-Step Checklist: A Review

1. Center. Prepare for the conversation with centered reflection. Re-center periodically during the conversation.
2. Purpose. Clarify your purpose for the conversation.
3. Inquiry. Enter with an open and curious mindset. Ask questions to uncover your partner's point of view.
4. Acknowledgment. Let your partner know you've heard them.
5. Advocacy. Be clear, direct, and respectful in stating your point of view.
6. Solutions. Listen for and encourage possible solutions that emerge from the conversation. Follow up.

At this stage in the process, the checklist is an aid to you and to the parties when you start meeting jointly—whether you engage in one or multiple sessions. Somewhere in this first working session, I remind the parties of the skills they've learned (such as centered presence and new ways to communicate) and invite both parties to practice these skills in our conversations. I ask the parties to relate situations in which they are already using the skills with each other or coworkers. And I emphasize that the six steps are an easy way to recall all we've done together.

As a coach, the six steps keep me on track as well and help the parties see our sessions as a safe practice arena for raising the problems they may face later. I highlight the six steps by referencing them during our conversations, recording them on a flipchart, and asking the parties to reflect on the ones they:

• Are using most often.
• Forget most frequently.
• Want to remember first and foremost.

I urge you to use the six steps as a facilitator's guidepost. The following is a brief recap of the first five steps, plus an exploration of Step 6: Solutions, a primary focus of the joint sessions.

Step 1: Center

When we're centered in the conversation, we help others be centered as well.

As a facilitator, I keep an eye out for uncenteredness from either party. It usually shows up as tension, silence, avoidance, and emotion. I help the parties notice when they've lost their center, so they can choose to return. I usually say something like, “So, I notice a little tension. Does anyone else? That's great. It means we're getting to the heart of the issue. Let's pause for a moment to re-center.” I reinforce that when you're centered:

• Even if words fail, you're still present and can reflect on what you want to ask or say.
• You can mentally and emotionally step out of the way and let difficult energy go by.
• You can invite conflict partners to express themselves fully, acknowledge their needs and beliefs, and be ready to express your own when the time comes.

Step 2: Purpose

I always come back to clarity of purpose as the most critical element in the decision to hold a conversation. As their coach, for example, you can reinforce purpose by occasionally asking each person what their reason is for bringing up a challenging issue. Are they trying to justify a past action, or are they offering up the issue as something to solve so that it doesn't happen again? As a coach, you're seeking a well-considered purpose—one that moves the conversation:

• From “difficult” to “learning”
• From debate to dialogue
• From message delivery to problem-solving
• From dangerous to safe

A purpose one can't control is not useful. For example, they may wish their coworker to be more cooperative, but only the coworker has control of that. However, they can convey that productivity is higher when people are cooperative. Although they can't force the coworker to change, the coworker is likely to be more cooperative because it serves a mutual purpose—a productive workplace. This moves the conversation from “message delivery” to problem-solving.

Other examples of purposes include:

Step 3: Inquiry

Now that the parties are together, encourage them to remember what they learned about the power of inquiry. Suggest examples of open-ended questions they might use to begin talking, such as:

• “Where would you like to start? What's most important for you?”
• “Can you tell me what's working and what isn't?”
• “What else can you tell me about how you see the problem?”
• “Can you give me one or two ideas that would work for you?”
• “What's the most difficult part of this for you?”
• “What's the ideal solution, do you think?”

The questions should invite reflection and seek pieces of the puzzle. This is an empowering gesture for the person asking as well and the person answering. Help the parties understand the importance of maintaining a stance of inquiry, which often appears as patience and waiting for their conflict partner to finish talking.

The last question should always be, “Is there anything else I should know?” The inquiry is finished when the answer is “No.”

Step 4: Acknowledgment

Reinforce that it's okay to repeat the speaker's words back to them. Although it may feel foolish to simply parrot the phrase, it isn't. It feels great to hear your words reflected back.

Also, wherever possible, demonstrate acknowledgment as their coach. For example:

• “From what you're saying, Jamie, you felt exposed when Henry mentioned in the meeting that your project was off target. Is that accurate?”
• “It sounds like it was really helpful when Pat pitched in to help with the calls.”
• “I'm glad you saw the difference between intent and impact in that situation. That's great!”

Step 5: Advocacy

Remind the parties that advocacy—getting their story heard—often starts with acknowledgment or looking for one thing they have in common with their partner. For example, “John, you've obviously put a lot of thought into this and care a great deal about the outcome. I liked what you said about . . .”

Encourage the parties to think about advocacy as offering information that might be of value to their partner. Advocacy is educating—not selling or manipulating. For example:

John, from what you're saying, you believe you're doing a good job and living up to the requirements of the job description. I have a slightly different take. As I see it, you put a lot of thought into preparing our meetings and organizing staff, and I think you want to do a good job. I have some ideas about how you can go further, if you choose to, by making a few simple changes. Would you be interested in hearing them?

Step 6: Solutions

With the key elements of communication in place—centered presence, clarity of purpose, inquiry, acknowledgment, and advocacy—the parties are now in a position to see each other and the conflict through new eyes. More important, these key elements prepare them for the last step in the 6-Step Checklist, Building Solutions, a step you will help them with as the joint sessions unfold.

For example, you might notice that a specific problem needs to be solved, such as who answers the phone when both parties are immersed in other tasks, or whose job it is to respond to client requests. Or, it could be a broader problem, such as divergent work styles.

In all cases, if the parties have engaged the process with curiosity, centered intent, respect, and honesty, they also have ideas about possible solutions. If one person makes a suggestion, the other has three ways in which to respond:

1. “I agree.”
2. “I agree with what you said with regard to . . ., and I'd like to add . . .”
3. “It seems we have different ideas about how to . . . Can you say more about why you like that approach and how you think it will help us solve the problem in this case?”

In the aikido sense of working with our partner's energy, problem-solving requires listening for energy we can redirect. If Party A proposes a solution that's not perfect, that's still great because something was proposed. Party A gave us energy to work with. Party B should be thinking, “What can I use; what can I add; how can I keep problem-solving as the goal?” Once Party B redirects, they should stay in inquiry and test their solution: “What do you think?” or “Could my idea work?”

As coach, your role is to support the parties by watching how solutions develop. Rather than interrupting the flow of the conversation, take notes you can offer at a later point, if necessary. If things get stuck, suggest a centering pause to let the parties reflect on what they've accomplished so far. Ask them to consider what commonalities they've expressed and how these might come together to solve the problem.

Make sure that plans are made to implement the solutions and ways to follow up are defined. I've seen conversations (some my own) end without actually having an action plan or a solution in place. Both parties listen and talk but walk away from the conversation without articulating next steps and contingencies—a possible recipe for future conflict.

As you look at future scenarios together, encourage the parties to ask and answer questions such as:

• “Where do we go from here?”
• “How will we move ahead together?”
• “What will our working relationship look like after these changes?”
• “How will we hold each other and ourselves accountable?”

At this point, I stand back; I watch the parties as they dialogue and, if need be, I point out things they missed. The less I do now, the more they turn to each other. A partnership begins to form as the parties successfully tackle each potential obstacle and construct a new relationship in the process. In the long run, the solutions that will last are the ones the parties develop themselves; your work is changing from coaching and instruction to observation and support.

If this process uncovers marked differences in values, the checklist becomes even more essential, giving the parties the tools to hold any new challenging conversation respectfully, and with positive purpose and intent. It's possible for people to disagree and still accomplish their purpose of creating a plan to work side by side skillfully, if they employ the six steps.

Powerful Conversation Openings

A common question is, “How do I begin the conversation?” Should the parties need them, the following conversation openers have come from working with organizations, individuals, and my own “off-the-mat” aikido partners. Give the parties a handout and coach them in the use of these openers here and in the workplace:

• “I have something I'd like to discuss that I think will help us work together more effectively.”
• “I'd like to talk about . . . with you, but first I'd like to get your point of view.”
• “I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
• “I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)?” If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up.
• “I think we have different perceptions about . . . I'd like to hear your thinking on this.”
• “I'd like to talk about . . . I think we may have different ideas about how to . . .”
• “I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding about . . . I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.”

Common features in these openers are:

• Letting the other person know up front there will be time for both parties to offer input.
• Being clear this will be a two-way conversation.
• The purpose is a noble one.

Some of these openings use what's known as the mediator's stance. A mediator is able to see a conflict from the point of view of the differences that each party brings to the table. The mediator's stance is a nice, neutral opening that indicates we're not looking for right or wrong, but for how different ideas may be at play and could be helpful in solving the problem.

Logistics

To further support resolution, I think about ways to make the sessions and the room comfortable and conducive to partnering. For example:

• I arrange our seating so the parties are physically aligned and not sitting across from each other.
• As we discuss areas of conflict, I ask the parties to guess and acknowledge what they imagine is the other's point of view.
• Sometimes we set guidelines or ground rules, but not always. It depends on the situation. When I use ground rules, I ask the parties to talk about what would help them feel comfortable holding a problem-solving dialogue, employing the aikido skills we've been practicing, to make the joint sessions a success. The following are the most common requests:
  • Listen and stay curious
  • Seek to understand
  • Know when to take a time out
  • Keep a problem-solving stance
  • Maintain a partnering perspective
  • Be respectful and kind
  • Summarize from time to time
  • Pay attention to time
• Review at the end of the session what went well and what to do differently next time

As with everything else, your purpose as well as what you've learned about the parties through the individual sessions will lead you in the right direction.

Resolve, Reflect, Reinforce

Having reviewed the 6-Step Checklist, we now return to our foundational objectives for the joint sessions, which will help keep things on track toward a successful conclusion. These objectives are to:

• Resolve any remaining conflicts
• Reflect on challenges that may come up post-process
• Reinforce the parties' ability to successfully deal with those challenges

Resolve Remaining Conflicts

In their first working session together, I like to seed conversations with questions that invite reflection and dialogue. The questions promote awareness of what's working and where support is still needed. To do this, I usually hand each a sheet of questions and give them time to write down their answers and compare notes. Some examples of questions include:

• “What was your greatest insight?”
• “What is needed to resolve this process so the solution is sustainable?”
• “What are problem areas that could get in the way down the line?”
• “How will you keep future conflicts from escalating?”
• “How do you like to receive feedback?”
• “What are possible difficult situations that may come up, and how will you handle them?”
• “What's working? Be as specific as you can.”
• “What do you want to keep doing that's working now?”
• “What's not working?”
• “What are you concerned about that might cause future conflict?”
• “What support do you need from each other or someone else?”
• “What agreements have you made in these meetings about how you're going to handle things differently in the future?”

In addition, I invite the parties to share their experiences about the coaching process and what they've come to appreciate about each other through the individual sessions. For example:

• “Where were the turning points in the coaching process for you?”
• “What questions about the process do you have for me or for each other?”
• “What have you come to appreciate about each other?”
• “What commonalities have you discovered?”
• “What differences have you found in your styles that could complement each other?”
• “What skills or concepts do you want to reinforce?”
• “How do you want to tell the story of this process five years from now?”

It's also educational to return to the “scale of 1 to 10” questions asked in Chapter 3 or amend them slightly to fit the current conditions. For example:

On a scale of 1 to 10:

• “How optimistic are you about the conflict staying resolved?”
• “How would you assess your willingness to resolve future issues together?”
• “How committed are you to applying the new skills and mindset?”

If the parties completed a behavior or learning style inventory (Appendix B), use this time to talk about what they learned, and invite the parties to compare similarities and differences. For example, if both parties tend to avoid conflict, how have they reframed conflict so they are more likely to address it? If there are different learning styles (for example, attention to detail versus big-picture orientation), we talk about how these styles may have contributed to the original conflict and how this insight can be used to support each other in the future. We create mini-agreements along the way that both parties can carry forward and refer to at work.

Reflect on Potential Challenges

In my teaching and coaching, I toggle between teaching conflict skills and talking about what makes it hard to practice those skills. On the mat, aikidoists practice technique after technique, honing the movements and the flow, trying to embody aikido principles and fundamentals. However, when we're with a challenging partner, often the techniques fall apart. We forget what foot goes where, when to tenkan, or how to properly pin our partner. Similarly, in the heat of the conflict moment, at work and at home, we can easily forget to center, breathe, and recall our purpose. That's just the way conflict works and why it has so much to teach us.

In the joint sessions, the task is to reinforce technique and reflect on where the technique might fall apart. I listen carefully for areas of potential future conflict so that we can address these challenges together and decide how the parties will handle them when they arise. It's impossible to predict every problem, but you can reinforce the communication skills in our 6-Step Checklist. This easy-recall model provides support regardless of the conflict:

1. Center
2. Purpose
3. Inquiry
4. Acknowledgement
5. Advocacy
6. Solutions

Similarly, the simple self-command to stop, center, and breathe is often all that's needed to regain composure and choice. Those you are coaching need to leave the process knowing the first thing they will do when feeling trapped, regardless of the nature of the trap. Each should have their “reset button.” And it's important they do. Some examples include:

• “I'll notice, step back, and center myself.”
• “I'll remember to be curious and ask a question.”
• “I'll stay present and listen first.”

Reinforce Ability and Commitment

At some point, this process will conclude and the parties will be left to their own resources; you can't be with them all the time. And if you're using an outside consultant, they'll eventually leave as well. Once back in the workplace, you want the parties to feel confident and capable when they encounter the next dilemma. I'm often asked, “Who will play your role when you're not there? Who will have the foresight to say, ‘Wait, let's take a moment to think and decide how to handle this.’ Or, ‘Can we talk about what just happened?’”

Ideally, when the joint sessions are complete, each of the individuals will be able to do this for themselves and for each other. They'll have the necessary confidence and ability to notice conflict developing and take steps to change direction. To that end, you want to take every opportunity during the joint sessions to notice the positive choices they're making and point them out. I try to spot topics where the parties are aligned, draw attention to areas of agreement and commonality, and acknowledge skill. I suggest you do the same—look for what's working and reinforce it, as in:

• “Wow, nice job paraphrasing that comment!”
• “I appreciate how you took a moment before you answered. You appeared to be reflecting on what you heard and deciding how to respond.”
• “That was a well-phrased question. You're really understanding the power of inquiry, aren't you?”

Also, watch for moments when the parties seem unprepared or anxious, identify the problem if there is one, and ask what tool from the repertoire would help resolve it—always looking for what's working and appreciating it.

You want to continually be thinking, modeling, and reinforcing: “You can do this!”

If you hold multiple joint sessions to resolve different areas of conflict, encourage the parties to guess at each other's viewpoint in each case, and acknowledge each other's contributions and positive intent. Use questions from “Resolve Remaining Conflicts” on page 148 to stimulate further conversation about values, wisdom gained from this process, and what a sustainable resolution looks like.

Lastly, if you choose, the parties can complete a written document cataloging their learnings and accomplishments. For this, we turn now to Phase 4: Bowing Out, during which we'll look at ways to follow up as the process comes to a close.

Practice/Homework Examples

• Choose one skill or concept to focus on, and bring stories about how you used it to the next session.
• Write an opening for a learning conversation you'd like to have with someone and bring it to the next session.
• Bring questions for your partner or about the coaching process in general.
• Notice how you contribute to the relationship this week.
• Keep notes of situations that might have been problematic in the past and how you responded.
• Think about what you would like included in the joint agreement (if you choose this option).

Key Points

• The purpose of continued joint sessions is to provide openings for the parties to talk about the individual sessions, compare experiences, and plan for the future.
• Objectives for these sessions include resolving existing challenges, reflecting on potential challenges, and reinforcing confidence and capacity to handle future difficulty.
• The 6-Step Checklist is a foundational framework for the joint sessions.
• Useful conversation openers let the other person know there will be time for everyone to offer input.
• It's important to come to the joint sessions prepared with questions that invite the parties to reflect on their experiences, ask questions of each other, and offer feedback.
• When the joint sessions are complete, each of the individuals will acknowledge areas of alignment, agreement, and commonality.
• They will also identify areas of potential future conflict, and decide how to handle them should they arise.
• Reinforcing skills and positive choices you're observing will support the parties as the process concludes.

Sources

• Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen