THE MAGIC PARADOX
Benefit: Shift another person from resistance to listening—from “nobody understands” to “you understand.”
Do the unexpected. The expected is boring. The expected is tuned out.
—STEVE STRAUSS, AUTHOR, THE SMALL BUSINESS BIBLE
Most magic is sleight of hand, but the Magic Paradox is sleight of mind. When you act as if your goal is the exact opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish, that’s the Magic Paradox—and as the name implies, it’s powerful magic.
This technique lets you break through to people in the most difficult part of the communication cycle: at the very beginning, when you need to shift them from resisting to listening and then to considering. It’s a classic first step in hostage negotiation, and it’s equally powerful in a business crisis.
To see how the Magic Paradox works, picture this scenario. You’re Art’s manager and he’s not producing. You know he’s going through a divorce, and you’re cutting him as much slack as you can, but now he’s imploding and your project is in danger as a result. You don’t want to fire Art because you know he can do the job and there’s no time to train anyone else. But you need to light a fire under him somehow, or everybody’s in trouble.
Here’s what you don’t do if you’re smart. You don’t go to Art and say something like, “Look, I know things are tough but you need to get your act together. You know how to do this job, and I know you can pull it off. Just set some targets, and I’m sure you can get caught up in time. All of us are under pressure, and we’re counting on you.”
If you do this (as most managers would), odds are Art will get defensive and hit back with “Yes … but.” As in, “Yes … but there’s not enough time.” Or, “Yes … but nobody’s giving me any support.” Keep pushing, and he’ll back further into defensiveness and lash out angrily or even quit.
That’s not what you need. And it’s not what Art needs. So instead, do what Art least expects: Empathize with his negative thoughts.
For example, say: “I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to be scared that you can’t pull this project off. And I’ll bet that you’re upset because you think we’re all feeling let down by you. What’s more, I’ll bet you feel that nobody can possibly understand how hard it is to deal with all the stuff that’s happening in your life.”
Now watch the magic. Because you’re empathizing with Art’s emotions, you will eliminate his mirror neuron gap and cause him to feel understood by and connected to you. And there’s the first paradox: By saying explicitly that you know he feels that nobody understands, you’ll make him realize that you do understand.
Here’s the second paradox: When you spell out all of Art’s reasons for being negative, you’ll shift him into a more positive attitude. Initially he’ll probably rise to ambivalence, that in-between place where he says, “Yeah, it’s godawful right now. But I know you need me to do this, and I’ll see if I can pull it off. Just don’t expect miracles.” At that point, you’ll have enough forward momentum to nudge him to make the leap all the way to acceptance: “I know I’ve screwed up. But I can do this. I really can. If you just give me a few days, I can make up for lost time.”
THE CASCADE OF “YES”
How does the Magic Paradox work? By setting into motion a cascade of “yes” coming from the other person (“Yes, you’re right, my life is a mess, and I can’t take it anymore”), you shift the person’s attitude from disagreement to agreement. Once you establish that rapport, the person is emotionally primed to cooperate instead of punch back. Remember back to the hostage scenario in Chapter 1, and you’ll recognize that this is the same approach Detective Kramer used to defuse a potentially deadly situation.
Like Kramer, I’ve used the Magic Paradox to create instant attitude shifts in life-and-death situations. At one point in my career, for instance, I treated a deeply depressed woman who’d tried to commit suicide twice after being the victim of a brutal rape. She sat across from me for six months, saying very little and never making eye contact. Then one day, as she talked about the many terrible things she’d suffered in her life, I experienced my own emotional shift and suddenly felt the full weight of her lifetime of despair descend on me. The overwhelming grayness I felt sucked the colors out of the room, and I could hardly breathe.
Without even thinking, I blurted out, “I never knew it was so bad. And I can’t help you kill yourself, but if you do, I will still think well of you. I’ll miss you, and maybe I’ll understand why you needed to.” I was horrified as soon as I said it—I’d actually given my patient permission to kill herself! But as my words hung in the air between us, the woman turned to me and made full eye contact with me for the first time in our relationship. And then she smiled, and simply said: “If you can really understand why I might need to kill myself, maybe I won’t have to.” And she didn’t. In fact, she married, had children, and became a psychologist. And she led me to discover the power of the Magic Paradox.
Similarly, you can use this technique at work or at home in a very tense situation when you need to keep another person from making a serious mistake. Here’s an example involving Rose and her teenage daughter Lizzie, who’s hanging out with a guy Mom knows is a bad influence.
LIZZIE (IN A LOUD, ANGRY VOICE): That’s it! I’ve had it with you and all your rules! I’m moving in with Ryan, and I’m 18 now so you can’t stop me.
ROSE (TAKING A DEEP BREATH AND RESISTING THE URGE TO YELL IN RESPONSE): Let’s talk for just a minute. You know, I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to feel suffocated by the rules we ask you to follow.
LIZZIE: That’s right! I do feel suffocated!
ROSE: And I’ll bet that you’re angry because you think we can’t understand how hard it is for you right now to be nearly grownup and still have to live with your parents.
LIZZIE (STARTING TO CALM DOWN): Yeah.
ROSE: What’s more, I’ll bet you feel that we don’t have any idea the kind of pressure you’re under, or the really tough decisions you’re trying to make in your life.
LIZZIE (EXHALING): They are tough. And I can’t talk to you about them, because you and Dad have your own problems, especially now that he’s been laid off.
ROSE: It is hard right now, but your problems are every bit as important as ours. In fact, maybe if we sit down and talk about everything that’s going on, we’ll both feel better. Do you have a few minutes to share a cup of tea with your mom?
LIZZIE: Okay, sure.
At the beginning of this conversation, Lizzie sees Rose as the enemy. But by using the Magic Paradox, Mom creates a cascade of “yes” that ratchets Lizzie’s emotional level down to the degree at which she’s willing to declare a truce. In short, Lizzie’s gone from resistance to listening to considering, all in the span of just a few sentences—and as a result, Mom has a much better shot at talking her out of a big life mistake.
A TRUST-GAINING MOVE
The Magic Paradox isn’t just a tool for helping someone exhale or convincing a person to make the right move instead of the wrong one. It’s also a strong hand to play if you need to gain the trust and confidence of a person who’s not in a trusting frame of mind, and it’s a power move if you’re working in a toxic environment and want another person to know that you’re not part of the problem.
Jack was the new managing partner of a law firm in Los Angeles. The firm wanted to build up its staff of female associates, but it had a reputation for working them to death and creating tremendous stress—especially in those female associates who had young kids. These associates always felt guilty about pawning their kids off on hired help and spending too little time with them.
One day Shannon, a third-year associate, was having a meltdown because her three-year-old child had told her for the umpteenth time, “I hate that you have to go to work, and I don’t like you anymore.” The incident pushed Shannon over the edge, and she sat with her head on her desk crying when Jack walked by and saw her through a crack in her door.
The prior managing partner just ignored such scenes, but Jack felt differently because he too loved his kids and felt grateful that his wife was able to stay home with them. He was taking steps to make his firm more family friendly, but he knew it would take time and he knew how frustrated the younger moms were.
Jack knocked on the door and politely said, “Hey Shannon, mind if I come in?”
Shannon picked her head up and said, “No it’s alright, I’ll be okay.”
Jack knew that Shannon would pull herself together, but he was bothered that the firm claimed to be female friendly, but did not carry through on its promise. He stepped in her office and closed the door behind him.
He looked at her and said, “Shannon, I’ll bet you feel that there is almost never a time when you aren’t letting someone down. If it’s not your child, it’s the office; if it’s not the office, it’s your child. Isn’t that true?”
Shannon looked up at him, paused, and then burst into tears and said, “I just hate upsetting my kid and not being able to do what the partners want of me, and I hate that I’ve started smoking again and I’ve gained 20 pounds.”
She stopped, slightly alarmed that she’d voiced these private thoughts to a colleague. Then Jack added: “And I’ll bet you feel it’s getting worse instead of better, isn’t that true also?”
Shannon started crying harder. Jack didn’t try to stop her, because he knew she needed to vent her anger and frustration. The only thing he said was: “It really is hard being an associate and a mom.”
Shannon merely said, “Uh-huh,” but within a few minutes her tears began to lessen. As her storm of tears passed, so did the worst of her feelings of failure and helplessness. After a moment, she stood up from her desk, walked over to Jack, and gave him a hug and said, “Thanks, you’re a good boss and a good guy.” Jack smiled with embarrassment and replied: “You’re a good lawyer and a good mom!”
Up to then, Shannon saw Jack as part of the problem at her firm: just another guy who expected the impossible and didn’t care about collateral damage. By the time he left her office, she saw him in a completely different light: as a supportive colleague who respected her and deserved her respect and best efforts in return.
Jack accomplished this transformation—one that altered his entire relationship with his colleague for years to come—in less time than it takes some managers to order lunch. How did he do it? By understanding the secret of the Magic Paradox: If you want people to do the unexpected, you go first.
Usable Insight
When you start a conversation by saying “No” for another person, it opens the door for that person to say “Yes.”
Action Step
Select someone at work who’s resistant to cooperating with you and either makes excuses for not doing something or responds with a “Yes, but.” (Be sure the person is actually capable of doing the job and has enough time and resources to accomplish it.)
1. Say to the person: “I’ll bet you feel that there is no way you’re going to be able to do what it is that I’m asking you to do, isn’t that true?” If you’re on track the person will nod, and be puzzled and slightly disarmed by your understanding.
2. Follow that with: “And I’ll bet you’re hesitant to tell me straight out that you can’t get it done, isn’t that also true?” The person will probably nod in agreement or even say, “Yes” in response.
3. Finally say, “In fact you may be thinking that the only way to get that done would be to do ______.” (Let the person fill in the blank.)
4. Then work with the person to make that solution a reality.