Abuse, 207
Acknowledgment, 167
in Power Thank You, 181
transactions instead of, 157
Action step with crisis, 208
with dissonance, 86
with “Do you really believe that?,” 141
with Empathy Jolt, 131
with exhaling, 76
with fill-in-the-blanks, 175
with goals, 214
with Impossibility Question, 115
with interest, 63
with narcissism, 199
with networking, 203
with “Oh F#@&” to “OK,” 35
with Power Thank You, 185
with promotion, 196
with Reverse Play, 137
with Side-by-Side, 169
with stipulation, 154
with taking it to no, 179
with team-building, 193
with toxic people, 108
with transformational questions, 162
with value feeling, 68
with VIPs, 220
with vulnerability, 93
Advanced Medical Optics, 27–28
Affinity, 165
Alzheimer’s, 18
Americans with Disabilities Act, 151
Amygdala hijack, 17, 18, 70, 73
Anderson, Walter, 217
Annual reviews, 195
Apology, 184
Argument, 86
Association of Corporate Growth, 216
Attack, 145
Benson, Herbert, 74
Borderline personality disorder, 98
Breathing, 32
Burke, James, 27
from Impossibility Question, 113
Coca-Cola, 176
Cold calls, 200
Cold War, 48
Compassion, 208
Competitiveness, 190
Confidence, 193
The Confidence Course (Anderson), 217
Control, 179
Conversation deepeners, 165
Conversation-stopper, 167
Crisis
action step in, 208
fill-in-the-blanks in, 206–207
frustration in, 207
“Oh F#@&” to “OK” for, 208
scenario, 204
usable insight with, 208
yes in, 206
as conversation-stopper, 167
Defensiveness, 50, 74–75, 127, 145
“hmmm …” instead of, 148
from lecturing, 164
in Power Apology, 184
from questions, 171
DiClemente, Carlo, 8
Disappointment, 137
Dissonance
action step with, 86
fill-in-the-blanks instead of, 171–172
in marriage, 79
in networking, 202
perceptions causing, 80
usable insight with, 86
“Do you really believe that?,” 138, 192
action step with, 141
usable insight with, 141
Dunn, Walter, 176
Edge, 19
exhaling through, 73
preparation for, 208
Empathogenic communication, 126
Empathy Jolt
action step with, 131
with habits, 212
usable insight with, 131
Examples
of amygdala hijack, 18
of dissonance, 77–78, 79, 83–85
of “Do you really believe that?,” 139–141
of Empathy Jolt, 124–126, 127–129
of feeling felt, 45–47, 48, 49–50, 51–53
of Fill-in-the-Blanks, 170–171, 172–174
of “hmmm…. ,” 142–144, 145–146, 147, 148–149
of Impossibility Question, 112, 113, 114
of Magic Paradox, 116–117, 118–119, 120–121
of “Oh F#@&” to “OK,” 30–31, 34–35
of Power Apology, 183
of Power Thank You, 180, 181–182
of Reverse Play, 132–133, 134–136
of Side-by-Side, 163–164, 166–167, 168
of taking it to no, 176, 177–179
of toxic people, 97–98, 99–100, 101–102, 107–108
of transformational questions, 155, 157–161
of vulnerability, 87–89, 91–93
Exhaling
action step with, 76
through emotions, 73
usable insight with, 76
Eyes-to-the-sky, 161
Fearful aggression, 33
Feedforward, 82
Feeling felt
examples of, 45–47, 48, 49–50, 51–53
in networking, 201
for promotion, 195
usable insight with, 53
Fight-or-flight response, 15, 74
Fill-in-the-blanks, 177
action step with, 175
instead of dissonance, 171–172
for problem-solving, 199
usable insight with, 175
in crisis, 207
Fuhrman, Mark, 99
Gardner, John, 57
Gestures, 172
Goals
action step with, 214
expectations with, 211
Impossibility Question with, 213
scenario, 209
toxic people and, 212
usable insight with, 214
Goldsmith, Marshall, 82
Goleman, Daniel, 17
Good to Great (Collins), 57
Gorbachev, Mikhail, 48
Goulston, Emily, 183
Grain silos, 193
after Power Apology, 185
Habits, 212
Hard sell, 177
Henry, Patrick, 62
Hibbard, Dave, 111
“Hmmm …”
examples of, 142–144, 145–146, 147, 148–149
instead of defensiveness, 148
usable insight with, 148
Hollander, Edward, 103
Hostage negotiators emotions and, 28
shared activities for, 164
Hostility, 148
Humility, 86
in Power Apology, 185
Ignorant blamers, 123–124, 130–131
Impossibility Question
action step with, 115
buy-in from, 113
with goals, 213
in personal life, 115
usable insight with, 115
Interest
action step with, 63
usable insight with, 63
Interview
Kicking but, 111
Kissing up, 195
Lawyers, 150
The Leadership Institute, 55–56
Lecturing, 164
Lieberman, Matthew, 31
Listening, 39
usable insight with, 43
The Lord is my shepherd experience, 207
Magic Paradox
examples of, 116–117, 118–119, 120–121
usable insight with, 121
Managing by walking around (MBWA), 165
Marriage, 79
MBWA. See Managing by walking around
Miller, William R., 8
with gratitude, 202
mirror neuron gaps, 57, 65, 90
with appreciation, 182
of gatekeepers, 218
satisfaction of, 157
Missile silos, 193
Monolog, inner, 161
Motivational Interviewing (Miller and Rollnick), 8
Muskie, Edward, 34
“My Golden Rule” (Collins), 56–57
Narcissism
action step with, 199
scenario, 197
stipulation with, 199
usable insight with, 199
Networking
action step with, 203
dissonance in, 202
fear of, 203
feeling felt in, 201
Power Apology in, 202
Power Thank You in, 202
prioritization in, 203
scenario, 200
toxic people in, 203
transformational questions in, 201–202
usable insight with, 203
value feeling in, 202
“The Neurology of Self-Awareness” (Ramachandran), 19
No, taking it to
action step with, 179
usable insight with, 179
Object constancy, 207
“Oh F#@&” to “OK”
action step with, 35
for crisis, 208
for promotion, 195
speed drill, 32
usable insight with, 35
Pepsi, 176
as dissonance cause, 80
Pharmaceutical representative, 159–161
Positive phrasing, 173
Power Apology
defensiveness in, 184
example of, 183
grudges after, 185
humility in, 185
in networking, 202
Power Thank You, 183
acknowledgment in, 181
action step with, 185
in networking, 202
in team-building, 191
transacting instead of, 181
usable insight with, 185
Prefrontal cortex, 32
Prioritization
in networking, 203
Problem-solving, 147
fill-in-the-blanks for, 199
Productivity, 169
Promotion
action step with, 196
feeling felt for, 195
“Oh F#@&” to “OK” for, 195
scenario, 194
Side-by-Side for, 194
transformational questions for, 195
usable insight with, 196
Proschaska, James, 8
Public speaking
Questions, 165. See also Impossibility Question; Transformational questions
defensiveness from, 171
direct, 171
for VIPs, 216
Ramachandran, V. S., 19
Reagan, Ronald, 48
Realism, 211
Reasonableness, 211
Referrals, 202
Reframing, 174
Regberg & Associates, 138
Rehabilitation, 184
Reinforcement, 173
Relationship deepener, 145
during stipulation, 153
Relaxation response, 74
Remorse, 184
Respect, 167
Restitution, 184
Reverse Play
action step with, 137
with habits, 212
usable insight with, 137
Rollnick, Stephen, 8
Sabotage, 190
Scenario
crisis, 204
goals, 209
narcissism, 197
networking, 200
promotion, 194
separation, 215
Self-assurance, 63
Self-control, 30
Self-defeating behavior, 173
Self-motivation, 191
Separation, 215
Shared activities, 164
Shared values, 190
Shared vision, 190
Side-by-Side, 165
action step with, 169
examples of, 163–164, 166–167, 168
for promotion, 194
usable insight with, 169
Skepticism, 152
Socrates, 165
Socratic Method, 165
Stevenson, Adlai, 193
action step with, 154
with narcissism, 199
relaxation during, 153
usable insight with, 154
Stress, 29–31. See also Distress
Stress hormones, 75
Stuttering, 151
Subordinates, 194
Supportiveness, 108
Syncing, 25
Team-building, 190
action step with, 193
fill-in-the-blanks in, 191–192
Power Thank You in, 191
transformational questions in, 191–192
usable insight with, 193
Telling, 165
Three-part brain, 15–16, 205–207
Toxic people, 94
action step with, 108
examples of, 97–98, 99–100, 101–102, 107–108
goals and, 212
in networking, 203
usable insight with, 108
Transactions, 155–156, 158–161
acknowledgment instead of, 157
Power Thank You instead of, 181
Transformational questions, 156
action step with, 162
for promotion, 195
Transtheoretical Model of Change (Prochaska and DiClemente), 8
Trust
with expectations, 201
with giving credit, 182
Power Apology and, 183–184, 185
violation of, 166
Tylenol, 27
Urgency, 206
Usable insight
with crisis, 208
with dissonance, 86
with “Do you really believe that?,” 141
with Empathy Jolt, 131
with exhaling, 76
with feeling felt, 53
with fill-in-the-blanks, 175
with goals, 214
with “hmmm …,” 148
with Impossibility Question, 115
with interest, 63
with listening, 43
with Magic Paradox, 121
with narcissism, 199
with networking, 203
with “Oh F#@&” to “OK,” 35
with Power Thank You, 185
with promotion, 196
with Reverse Play, 137
with Side-by-Side, 169
with stipulation, 154
with taking it to no, 179
with team-building, 193
with toxic people, 108
with transformational questions, 161–162
with value feeling, 68
with VIPs, 220
with vulnerability, 93
Value, feeling of, 64–65, 191, 192
action step with, 68
in networking, 202
usable insight with, 68
Venting
Very Important People. See VIPs (Very Important People)
The View, 113
VIPs (Very Important People)
action step with, 220
questions for, 216
usable insight with, 220
Vulnerability action step with, 93
usable insight with, 93
What Got You Here Won’t Get You There (Goldsmith), 82–83
Yes
in crisis, 206
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