“Mark, I’m giddy with excitement,” Jim Mazzo, CEO and chairman of Advanced Medical Optics, told me over the phone.

Jim is one of the most ethical and effective leaders I know. But even from such a remarkable man, his comment was astonishing —because on that day in 2007, Jim’s company was in the midst of what most people would call a crisis.

Without waiting to ask his board for permission, Jim had just ordered a voluntary recall of an eye solution as soon as he learned that it could contribute to serious corneal infections. I’d called Jim to tell him how much I admired his action, which reminded me of James Burke’s quick pulling of Tylenol when several bottles were found to be contaminated with cyanide.

Jim replied, “We are a great company, with total transparency, a set of values, and a code of conduct that we all respect and follow. I am thrilled because I know that this is one of those rare opportunities that will make both our company and me even better and I am excited to find out just how it will do both.”

And then he said something that impressed me even more: “When bad things happen, if you resist the temptation to do anything that will make matters worse, you will discover valuable things about your company and yourself that you would never have learned had you not taken the hit.”

That’s sheer courage—and it paid off for AMO, which weathered the storm well and, in the process, enhanced its already sterling reputation as an ethical company deserving of the full trust of investors and consumers.

What’s the difference between Jim and the business leaders who panic, lie, frantically attempt to cover up problems, or simply melt down when problems occur? He has the ability to rise above a crisis and do the right thing. That’s because he’s smart and ethical—and it’s also because when trouble arises, he can quickly bring his initial fear response (a universal human reaction to crisis) under control. No doubt Jim starts out just as scared as anybody else when a crisis strikes, but he doesn’t stay that way. Instead, his deeply held core values prevent his emotions from boiling over and causing him to do something hasty. As a result, while other people are tempted to hide or blame or lose control, he can think fast and communicate effectively.

GET THROUGH TO YOURSELF FIRST

Getting your emotions under control isn’t just a key to being a great leader like Jim. It’s also the most important key to reaching other people, especially in times of stress or uncertainty. It’s why a cool and controlled hostage negotiator can get through to someone who seems unreachable—and, conversely, why a person who’s crying, whining, or yelling will turn off even a calm and empathetic listener.

In the chapters that follow, you’ll learn lots of powerful techniques for changing another person. But one of the most powerful things you’ll learn is how to be in control of your own thoughts and emotions—because most of the time, that’s where successful communicating starts. Mastering the art of controlling yourself will change your life, because it’ll keep you from being your own worst enemy when it comes to reaching other people in stressful situations.

Of course, not all personal encounters are stressful. But many are—and these are the ones that can make or break a career or relationship. What’s more, stressful encounters are the ones that you’re usually least ready to handle. Making a cold call, handling an angry client, going on a tough job interview, facing a furious lover, dealing with an insolent teen: all of these can affect your emotions to the point that you can’t think clearly. And when that happens, you lose.

So the first and most important rule for taking control in a stressful situation is this: get yourself under control first. (That’s why flight attendants instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before placing one on your child.) The good news is that getting yourself under control is simpler than you think.

SPEED IS EVERYTHING

In reality, you probably already know how to handle a tense situation intelligently. You know exactly how to go from attack mode to emotional mode to smart mode. Unfortunately, you probably don’t know how to do it fast.

Instead, here’s what usually happens. A few minutes after a stressful encounter, you calm down a little, your pulse slows, and you start breathing more slowly. A few minutes or hours after that, you probably gain enough self-control to start thinking your options through. And given still more time, you start thinking, “Hey … there’s a smart way to handle this.”

By then, however, it’s often too late. You’ve already lost a sale, alienated a boss or coworker, or convinced a lover that you’re bad news. Or you’ve missed the moment to make a perfect comment or a great first impression.

So what’s the solution? In a stressful encounter, to keep from blowing a chance to reach another person, you need to get your thoughts and emotions under control in minutes—not hours. In short, you need to move almost instantly from your reptile to your mammal to your human brain. That sounds impossible, but it’s not. In fact, with practice, you can do it in about two minutes. And when you do you’ll have the advantage over everyone else in the room, because you’ll be the only person who’s actually thinking straight.

THE “OH F#@& TO OK” PROCESS

To understand how stress interferes with your power to reach people, you need to know the mental steps you go through in a time of stress or crisis. What’s interesting is that even though every crisis seems different to you, your mind treats them all in pretty much the same way. It doesn’t matter what the crisis is—a fender bender, a lost contract at work, an argument with a lover, or your teenager saying, “my girlfriend’s pregnant”—you go through these steps in more or less the same order each time you’re upset.

In a small crisis, you may start at a middle stage of this process. In a big one, you’ll start at the bottom. I call the process “Oh F#@& to OK,” and here’s how it goes.

THE “OH F#@& TO OK” PROCESS

“Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase):

This is a disaster, I’m screwed, what the hell just happened, I can’t fix this, it’s all over.

“Oh God” (The Release Phase):

Oh my God, this is a huge mess and I’m going to get stuck with cleaning it up. Sh#%—this stuff always happens to me.

“Oh Jeez” (The Recenter Phase):

Alright, I can fix this. But it’s not going to be fun.

“Oh Well” (The Refocus Phase):

I’m not going to let this ruin my life/my career/my day/this relationship, and here is what I need to do right now to make it better.

“OK” (The Reengage Phase):

I’m ready to fix this.

Now, here’s the secret: When you become consciously aware of these stages and can mentally identify each one as it happens, you can manipulate your emotional response at each stage. As a result, you can speed shift from start to end in minutes. Some people, like Jim Mazzo, are probably born knowing how to do this—but if you weren’t, you can learn now.

Clearly, I’m not saying you can solve a crisis in two minutes. You can’t. What I’m saying is that you can think your way through to the possible solution that quickly. When you do that, you take yourself out of panic mode and into “solution” mode. As a result, you’ll be able to say all the right things and avoid saying the wrong ones.

THE POWER OF “OH F#@&”

One absolutely crucial element in moving your brain from panic to logic is to put words to what you’re feeling at each stage. You can do this silently if you’re in public or out loud if you’re alone, but either way it’s a critical part of putting yourself in control fast.

Why? Research by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA shows that when people put words to their emotions—“afraid,” “angry”—the amygdala, that little biological threat sensor that can throw the brain into animal mode, cools down almost instantly. At the same time, another part of the brain—part of the prefrontal cortex, which is the “smart” area of the brain—goes to work. This part of the brain appears to inhibit emotional responses so a person can think coolly about what’s happening. And that’s just what you want to do.

So surprisingly, now is not the time to lie to yourself and say, “I’m cool, I’m calm, it’s fine.” It’s actually the time to say to yourself (at least at first): “Oh f#@&” or “I’m scared as hell.”

THE “OH F#@& TO OK” SPEED DRILL

While the simple act of naming the emotions you feel at each stage in a crisis is part of the solution, it’s just the first step. That’s why people who merely stand around yelling “Oh F#@&” in a crisis typically don’t help to solve it. They’ve taken the first step out of their animal brains, but they aren’t going any further for awhile.

So think of “Oh f#@&” as your starting point, but don’t get stuck there. Instead, once you put words to your emotions and give your frontal lobes a toehold, begin working your brain up one level at a time from panic to control. Here’s how to do it.

THE “OH F#@& TO OK” SPEED DRILL

“Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase):

Do NOT deny that you’re upset and afraid. Instead, identify your feelings and acknowledge them, silently using words to describe your feelings. (“I’m really scared. I’m so afraid I could lose my job over this.”) Say this out loud if you’re alone, because the physical act of exhaling as you speak will help to calm you.

If you’re in a position where you can get away for a minute or two, do so. If not, do not talk to anyone else during these first few seconds. You need to focus entirely on acknowledging and working up from your anger or panic. If you’re in a position to keep your eyes closed for a minute or so, do so.

“Oh God” (The Release Phase):

After you admit the powerful emotion you’re feeling, breathe deeply and slowly through your nose with your eyes closed and let it go. Keep doing this as long as it takes to let it go. After you’ve released your emotions, keep breathing and r-e-l-a-x. This will allow you to begin to regain your inner balance.

“Oh Jeez” (The Recenter Phase):

Keep breathing and, with each breath, let yourself go from Defcon 1 back down to Defcon 2, 3, 4, and 5. It may help to say these words as you go through this transition: “Oh f#@&!”“Oh God.”“Oh jeez.”“Oh well….”

“Oh Well” (The Refocus Phase):

Start to think of what you can do to control the damage and make the best of the situation.

“OK” (The Reengage Phase)

If you’ve had your eyes closed up to now, open them. Then do what you need to do.

Initially, you’ll find it tough to move rapidly from one of these steps to the next. That’s because it’s not instinctive for your brain to move instantly and fluidly from primitive to higher brain regions. (It’s far more instinctive to wallow in “Oh f#@&” for minutes or hours.)

However, if you rehearse these steps in your mind and then use them in real life, you’ll get better and faster each time. Give it six months, and you’ll find that in the most stressful of situations, you’re the one who takes charge and makes the right things happen.

This skill is particularly crucial to master if you’re a person who falls prey to what I call “fearful aggression.” This is something you sometimes see at dog shows, when a harmless-looking poodle or dachshund suddenly growls threateningly at a judge. The dog doesn’t growl because it’s a killer; it growls because it’s scared senseless by the noise and commotion and falls headlong into “Oh f#@&” mode. As a psychiatrist, I see people trapped in fearful aggression all the time. If you often spot signs of this stress reaction in yourself—if your voice rises in stressful encounters, you sound strident or angry, and you feel the veins in your neck pulsing—then mastering the “Oh F#@& to OK” Speed Drill can save your job or your marriage.

You’ll also find this skill invaluable if you’re prone to tears when someone attacks you. By actively acknowledging the urge to cry (“Okay, this is the ‘Oh God’ stage, and I feel like crying at this point”) rather than trying to fight it, you’ll be in the powerful position of observing that option and deciding against it.

But even if you handle stress coolly and calmly, take time to master this skill—because you can handle stress even better. And often, getting yourself under control even a few seconds faster can mean the difference between reaching people and losing them.

  Usable Insight

When you go from “Oh F#@& to OK,” you go from being fixated on the way you are convinced the world should or shouldn’t be, but never will be, to being ready to deal with the world the way it is.

  Action Step

Think back to the worst encounter you had in the past year with a colleague or loved one. Mentally walk yourself through the steps from “Oh F#@& to OK” as if you were reliving the incident. Then try the same technique the next time you fall into an argument with the same individual.